Chapter Text
**THING-1** is online
IM_IN.hack is online
**THING-1**: have i ever told you just how ridiculous your username is?
**THING-1**: because it totally is
**THING-1**: :P
IM_IN.hack: you may have mentioned it...
IM_IN.hack: as if yours is any better
IM_IN.hack: XD
**THING-1**: whatever
**THING-1**: you know you love it
**THING-1**: embrace the thing Danny!!
IM_IN.hack: why does that sound like a euphemism for your dick?
**THING-1**: BECAUSE IT IS :P
IM_IN.hack: why are we friends again?
**THING-1**: because i'm the only one willing to write you shitty fic for your shitty OTP
IM_IN.hack: TAKE THAT BACK
**THING-1**: XD
IM_IN.hack: wait. am i talking to Aiden on accident again?
**THING-1**: fuck ING low. blow. Danny...
**THING-1**: and no. i'm Ethan. you're talking to Ethan. the better looking brother.
IM_IN.hack: aren't you twins?
IM_IN.hack: lol
**THING-1**: technically...
**THING-1**: XD
IM_IN.hack: lol damn. you're kind of asshole aren't you?
**THING-1**: you sound surprised?
**THING-1**: you should know this by now :)
IM_IN.hack: so it's been awhile since we last spoke
IM_IN.hack: how have you been?
**THING-1**: good. mostly.
**THING-1**: how have you been since...
**THING-1**: you know...
IM_IN.hack: since i broke up with Michael because he's a cheating dirtbag?
**THING-1**: lol
**THING-1**: yeah. that.
IM_IN.hack: i'm... getting better
**THING-1**: good.
**THING-1**: that's good.
IM_IN.hack: it's a slow process
**THING-1**: i get it...
IM_IN.hack: hey, i gotta run.
IM_IN.hack: meeting up with Jacksion in a bit.
IM_IN.hack: but thanks. you know. for asking.
**THING-1**: you're welcome. and have fun.
IM_IN.hack: i'll try ;)
**THING-1**: lol
IM_IN.hack: ttyl
**THING-1**: ttyl
IM_IN.hack is offline
**THING-1**: we should meet up
**THING-1**: FUCK
**THING-1** is offline
“You need to get back in that saddle, Danny,” Jackson says, passing the bottle of whiskey to his best friend.
“I just ended a five year relationship, Jacks.” Danny takes a large swig of the whiskey, making a face as it goes down. “I’m gonna need a little more time.”
“Time? No, what you need is a good fuck!”
“Are you volunteering?” Danny jokes.
“Do you want me to be?”
A beat.
They exchange equally amused looks.
“No,” Danny says. “Us fooling around once is enough for me.” He passes the bottle back to Jackson.
“Twice! We fooled around twice.”
“I didn’t know you were keeping score.”
“I’m not. Not really. Also, would a third or fourth time with me really be that bad, Daniel? I’m an excellent lay.” He takes a swig from the bottle, reveling in the burn of the alcohol.
“No. I didn't say you were bad in bed, Jacks. You're just bad. A selfish lover. At least with me.”
Jackson opens his mouth as if to defend himself but stops himself. He realises that Danny isn't wrong.
He. Does. Not. Pout.
Danny laughs at his expense.
Jackson’s laugh follows shortly after. “Shut up, asshole.”
“Jackson’s on the line, Danny,” Janet, his assistant says, cracking the door to Danny’s office open a smidge. “I know you're busy but he says it’s urgent.”
He waves it off with a hand. “It’s fine. Thank you.”
Janet retreats out the door as Danny saves an hours worth of work and reaches for the receiver.
“Hello?”
“Danny get your ass down to the coffee shop down the corner!”
Danny takes a moment to roll his eyes. It doesn't quite have the effect he’s normally accustomed to with his best friend not being able to see it, but it makes him feel a little better.
“What? Jacks, I’m a bit busy.”
“No, you’re not. Janet said you’re just working on your shitty fanfiction crap or whatever. So get your ass down here.”
“Go to hell, Jackson.” Danny laughs into the phone despite himself. Jackson had a way of doing that. “Now I’m definitely not coming.”
“I’ve got Lydia with me.”
“She’s in town?”
“For a whole month. Something wanting to spend time with her friend in his time of need or something lame like that.”
“Then why didn’t she just call me herself? Or even come to see me?”
“Fuck if I know. When has Lyds ever been practical about anything?”
Danny thinks for a second. “True.”
“So are you coming or not?”
“Fine. But no talking about Michael. I don't have the stomach for that today.”
“Promise.”
**THING-1** is online
IM_IN.hack is online
IM_IN.hack: help. i think my overbearing friends want to help me move on from Michael.
**THING-1**: isn't that a good thing?
IM_IN.hack: maybe. probably. i don't think i'm ready for that just yet.
**THING-1**: :/ then just tell them that.
IM_IN.hack: you don’t know my friends.
**THING-1**: then you need better friends.
IM_IN.hack: i've been saying that for years. :)
**THING-1**: XD
**THING-1**: they're your friends, Danny. i think they're just trying to help.
IM_IN.hack: i know that. and i appreciate it. i do. that they care.
**THING-1**: in any case, you've always got me.
IM_IN.hack: yeah. i do. you're a good friend too, Ethan.
**THING-1**: I KNOW XD
IM_IN.hack: DORK. lol
IM_IN.hack: ok. i g2g. ttyl
**THING-1**: later...
IM_IN.hack is offline
**THING-1** is offline
It’s official.
Danny has the worst friends ever.
"You did what?" Danny exclaims loudly in the crowded coffee shop. The other patrons are most likely all staring now, but he doesn't care, all his attention being aimed at his good-for-nothing friends.
"Signed you up on this dating site." Lydia states proudly. "Don't worry, we kept your profile modest, clean and truthful."
Danny can't do much but to stare in shock, jaw open, because what the fuck?
"Look, you guys, I don't --" he starts but is immediately cut off by Jackson.
"Yes, you do. You have terrible, terrible, taste in men and we," he motions between himself and Lydia, "are going to weed out all the bad ones for you."
Lydia nods her head in agreement but pauses and says, "Well, not too terrible. Physically speaking the guys you go out with are in top form. Psychologically? Not so much."
"Grade A asshole syndrome." Jackson interjects. Lydia nods in agreement, lips pursed to fully articulate her sass. Danny isn't as amused as Jackson is.
"That's not an actual syndrome, Jackson." Danny says.
Jackson brushes it off with a wave of his hand. "Semantics," he says with an exaggerated eye roll.
Classic Jackson.
"It's more like a state of mind, really..." Lydia says. The rest of the conversation dies there when her phone chimes. Danny feels relief wash over him.
It doesn't last long.
She grabs her phone off the table and scans it. "Oh my god!"
Jackson leans over to look. "What?"
"There are twenty guys, and counting, interested in Danny. His profile is being flooded with messages."
"What a slut!" Jackson exclaims, a toothy grin forming on his mouth, obviously amused. There isn't any real venom behind Jackson's words though, so Danny will forgive him the use of that term.
"Wait, you have my profile on your phone?"
"There's an app." Jackson and Lydia say at the same time as if that explains everything.
It really doesn't.
"If we're going to do this," Danny says, trying to get a hold of the situation. He grips his cup of coffee a little bit tighter, anxiety taking over because he has a feeling he won't be able to. "Shouldn't I have access to it too? You know, my profile?"
The disgusted looks he gets sent his way make him feel all but five-years old again and he shrinks into his seat. Guess not.
"The whole point of this, Daniel" Lydia says, bringing her phone's screen into Danny's line of vision, waving it in front of his face, he can barely make out the outlines of the app open on it as he cringes at the use of his full name. "is so that you don't go picking the wrong kinds of guys again. If we let you have control, you'd be a heartbroken mess in a week because the guy moved on to the next piece of ass down his list."
Well, she's not entirely wrong. He thinks to himself.
"So we'll be compiling a list of the best guys for you and you'll be going on series of dates."
"A series of dates?" Danny mimics, concern filling his voice. "Oh god, I have the worst friends ever." He cover his face in his hands, attempting to hide from his friends' scrutiny and evil plotting.
Jackson and Lydia send satisfied, smug grins in his direction before turning their attention back to Lydia's phone.
"Amazing. There's only the one pic and the messages are flooding in." Lydia states.
"Yeah, and it's not even one where he doesn't have his shirt off."
"I'm right here, you know." Danny says trying to be included in the conversation, at least.
They ignore him.
"It's gotta be the dimples."
"Oh, definitely."
"I hate you both."
"Hey, Jacks, you got one with his abs showing?"
"No, please --"
"Yeah, of course."
"Ugh!"
"Send it my way."
"Already ahead of you."
"I'm getting new friends."
"Got it, thanks."
"I've got more if you need it."
"Why the hell do you even have so many of me without my shirt?"
Jackson finally looks up and acknowledges his best friend, sass on the tip of his tongue, "I've been collecting for years for this very moment. Knew you'd need help and besides, sex sells, Danny-boy. Well, sex appeal at least. I'd know. I'm in advertising."
"I hate you," he replies.
Jackson smiles bright and smug. "I know." That receives a small chuckle from Lydia.
"There are like, fifty new messages since the abs pic. Time to weed out the pervs and jerks."
"Oooh, let me help. I'm fluent in asshole."
Danny downs the last of his coffee then gets up from his seat. "I think I'm gonna get something stronger. Like an espresso with a couple shots of vodka."
"Do they even serve that here?"
"Fuck if I know." Dannys spits out, turning back towards the counter to order.
"Oooh, bitchy," Jackson coos.
Danny's face contorts into a full scowl aimed at his best friend, to which Jackson responds with an overly cocky wink. Danny's eyes roll to the back of his head just before he gets in line.
Jackson guffaws, nearly choking on his espresso.
Next to him Lydia says, "This one looks promising."
Jackson recovers, wiping his mouth with a napkin and leans over to peer at the screen in her hands. "Meh, too broody. Read the description."
Lydia's eyes squint a bit as she leers at the screen, "Yeah. You're right. Next."
“I'm starting to worry about you,” Janet, his assistant says over lunch the next day. “Have you been sleeping?”
He shrinks into his seat, tries to hide his behind his sandwich, “Of course I have.”
“Liar,” she crosses her arms. “There are bags under your eyes and you've been staying later than usual. Past midnight, Danny.”
“Shouldn't I be more worried as to what you’re doing here so late?” he suggests.
Janet sends a steely look his way. “You're deflecting.”
“And you're sleeping with Andy. In the office, no less.”
“At least I’m getting laid. What have you done besides work for the past few months? Have you even been anywhere besides this office and your home?”
Dannys stays quiet, staring at the half eaten sandwich in his hands. The answer is ‘no’.
Janet breathes a sigh and nods, understanding.
“I’ll get there eventually, Janet.” He says quietly.
“I know you will.”
**THING-1** is online
**THING2** is online
**THING2**: have you told him yet?
**THING-1**: no.
**THING-1**: shut up, Aiden. go away before he comes on.
**THING2**: like hell. i wanna see this trainwreck happen live.
**THING2**: XD
**THING-1**: i hate you.
**THING2**: when he does come on. don't message him too quickly.
**THING2: don't want to seem too eager now ;)
**THING-1**: SHUT. UP.
**THING2**: lol
IM_IN.hack is online
**THING-1**: sup Danny!
**THING2**: OH MAN! you're already fucking this up!
IM_IN.hack: wut?
**THING-1**: nothing.
**THING-1**: ignore him.
**THING2**: lol
IM_IN.hack: ok... you guys are weird.
**THING2**: so Danny. a little birdie told me you started dating again. online.
IM_IN.hack: yeah...
**THING2**: how does that work, exactly? when you say 'dating', do you actually go on a /date/? or are you just hooking up?
**THING-1**: AIDEN!!! you can't just ask that!
**THING-1**: i'm so sorry Danny. my brother's an idiot. :/
**THING2**: what? i'm just making sure...
**THING-1**: OMG
IM_IN.hack: it's fine, Ethan.
IM_IN.hack: and no, Aiden. i’m not out to just hook up with guys.
**THING2**: so, what you're saying is that you’re looking for more?
**THING2**: a relationship.
**THING-1**: JFC Aiden. invasive much?
**THING2**: and? Danny and i are friends. i can ask. right Daniel?
IM_IN.hack: of course we're friends, Aiden ;). you guys, we can talk about anything.
IM_IN.hack: also yes. i am looking for a relationship.
**THING2**: anything?
IM_IN.hack: anything. :)
**THING2**: hear that, Ethan? anything!
**THING-1**: SHUT UP Aid!!!! I’m going to come over to your room and throttle you!!!!!
IM_IN.hack: ...
IM_IN.hack: what am i missing?
**THING-1**: nothing!!!
**THING2**: EV-ER-Y-THING!!!
IM_IN.hack: haha. you guys are weird.
**THING2**: hey, Danny. Ethkasj;dflksj sdkljfk s
IM_IN.hack: what?
....
IM_IN.hack: guys? where did you go?
IM_IN.hack: hello?
**THING2** is offline
**THING-1**: Uh, Aiden had to go.
IM_IN.hack: what’s going on?
**THING-1**: nothing. i swear. Aiden was just being his usual weird self. XD
IM_IN.hack: uhhh... OK
IM_IN.hack: Ethan, did you just kill your brother? 0.0
**THING-1**: maybe...
**THING-1**: wanna help me hide the body?
IM_IN.hack: i’m down. lol
**THING-1**: lol. nah. but i did kick his ass. and i also may have stolen his laptop XD
**THING-1**: and locked him out of the house.
**THING-1**: :)
IM_IN.hack: :)
**THING-1**: so, got any plans for tonight? anything exciting?
IM_IN.hack: besides mentally preparing myself for the date i have tomorrow my dumb friends set up for me via this dumb dating site?
IM_IN.hack: no, not really. you?
**THING-1**: nope.
**THING2** is online
**THING2**: got this bitch on my phone motherfuckers!!!!
IM_IN.hack: y’all are a riot! XD
**THING-1**: UGH.
**THING2**: haha
IM_IN.hack: lol it’s been fun guys. but i got work in the morning. i’ll talk to you guys later.
**THING2**: wait, don’t go. Ethan’s got something to tell you.
IM_IN.hack: what is it?
**THING-1**: it’s nothing, Danny. it can wait.
IM_IN.hack: are you sure?
**THING-1**: yes.
IM_IN.hack: ok. well, good night.
**THING-1**: good night.
**THING2**: night, Danny!!!!
IM_IN.hack is offline
**THING2**: that was a disaster! XD
**THING-1**: yeah, thanks to you. you ruined everything
**THING-1**: !!!!!
**THING-1**: >:(
**THING2**: ok, yeah. sorry, i got excited.
**THING-1**: obviously.
**THING2**: so... when you gonna let me back in so i can get to bed, too?
**THING2**: Ethan?
**THING-1** is offline
**THING2**: did you just?
**THING2**: YOU DID OMFG!!! I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU!!!!
**THING2** is offline