Chapter Text
Izumi was the sixth hottest girl in Toritsuka’s class, but had the third biggest boobs. Even better, she occasionally glanced at Toritsuka with a gaze absent of disgust. Toritsuka figured, as he had so many times in the past, that he had a chance. Thing is, this time he was right. Izumi was intrigued by his odd looks and professed ability to channel spirits, though not for good reason, as she was the kind of person who legitimately believed in the healing power of crystals. Which was a stupid thing to believe, even in a world with Kusuo Saiki in it.
So, with singular focus, he cornered her in the courtyard beneath a tree. Not even Teruhashi hiding from the Kokomins in a nearby bush — very stealthily, he wouldn’t have known she was there if a ghost hadn’t told him — could sway him from his goal.
“Hey,” he said, leaning against a wall with what he hoped was a suave demeanor. “How you doin’, good looking?”
Izumi giggled, because she had horrible taste. “Oh, h-hey! I’m doing well, um…what’s your name again?”
Toritsuka swept back his hair, hiding his internal anguish at the fact that she still didn’t remember who he was even though they were in the same class. “The name’s Toritsuka Reita, but you can call me…anytime.”
“Wow, you’re a smooth operator.” Izumi blushed, and Toritsuka snuck a glance at her chest that she, thankfully for him, didn’t notice. “So, um…do you want to walk home together?” She liked forward men, and also losers.
“Of course,” Toritsuka said, internally cheering. Whatever cruel law of the universe had kept him from securing pussy up until that point had seemingly lost its potency!
At which point the universe intervened.
“How could you?” some guy cried out.
Toritsuka and Izumi turned in surprise to see…well, it was Kaidou, but Toritsuka didn’t know that. He vaguely recognized that messy hair — it was one of the losers who hung around Saiki sometimes and didn’t know about his powers. He didn’t know the name, but was vaguely aware that there was a K involved. There were a lot of Ks going around.
“Hey, get your own girl!” Toritsuka snapped.
“You bastard!” Kaidou punched him in the shoulder, which held approximately as much force as a mosquito bite. “You’re such a scumbag! I shouldn’t even let you date my friend! He’s a real catch, you know — why are you flirting with girls?”
Izumi blinked. “Um?”
Kaidou pointed at her accusingly. “He has a boyfriend, you homewrecker!”
“No, I don’t!” Toritsuka sputtered in denial.
“Yeah, you do!” Kaidou spat. “Let me jog your memory. Kusuo Saiki? Pink hair, green glasses? Constant air of boredom? Not touchy at all but lets you hang all over him, because he cares about you, and you’re out here like some harlot asking girls out! What gives?”
Izumi backed away with a look of disdain. No matter her low standards, she didn’t want to be a side chick. “You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend!”
“I don’t!”
But it was no use. Izumi was already leaving in a huff.
Okay, this one wasn’t actually my fault. But I wasn’t about to stop it, either.
You see, the thing about Kaidou is that he’s incredibly stupid about romance. The fact that he hasn’t noticed Yumehara’s pining yet is nothing short of farcical. And it is true that Toritsuka’s always hanging off of me, which I don’t bother trying to dissuade him from because he’s too stubborn.
So when Kaidou saw Toritsuka hanging off me like a barnacle and practicing his script for getting Izumi to make out with him out on me — neither of which I assented to, by the way — Kaidou naturally leaped to the most comedically frustrating conclusion designed to vex me specifically, because that’s how this show (?) works.
Yet this time, it worked in my favor. I have tried this method many times before — the “acquire a partner to dissuade suitors” tactic — but it never worked because those I recruited unfortunately fell for me. This time, fate had dropped in my lap someone who would not fall for me. The most painfully heterosexual person I knew.
I didn’t plan for Kaidou to see Toritsuka and I together in the hall or jump to the conclusion he did, but if a particular spot to hide occurred to Teruhashi or an ominous wind led Kaidou to the courtyard, well…God works in mysterious ways.
By the time Toritsuka processed what had happened, lunch was over. I was able to avoid him for the rest of the day. I could tell on my entire walk home that Kaidou wanted to say something to me, constantly trying to hype himself up to tell me about my cheating two-timing son of a bitch of a boyfriend, but he didn’t get up the courage because he couldn’t bear to see me sad. Teruhashi believed Kaidou’s words, which was honestly a bit insulting even though it was my intention — how low did she think my standards were? She told Yumehara. Yumehara told Aiura.
Which brings me to Aiura getting my mom to let her in the house and then slamming open my door.
“What the fuck, babe!” she yelled. “You couldn’t have picked a hotter guy to cheat on me with so we could have a threesome?”
“I’m bleaching my ears,” I told her. “And don’t call me ‘babe.’ We’re not dating. I’m gay.”
I’m not gay, but it was all part of the ruse. I could have let her in on the grift, but that would mean continuing to deal with her shoving her boobs at me. There was a slim chance that she wouldn’t look further into my lie because of the possibility that she’d be forced to see Toritsuka in a moment of intimacy in her crystal ball. I would take whatever blissful moments of peace I could get.
“For HIM?”
“Don’t be homophobic.”
“Oh my God, Saiki, you can literally do leagues better. I can totally set you up with one of my hot bi exes — didn’t work out between us cuz he chews with his mouth open, but maybe you’re into that.”
“Hm. You’re taking this well.”
“I’ll process the my-soulmate-isn’t-into-me thing once we deal with the fact that you, a literal GOD, are dating FUCKING TORITSUKA!”
What the hell is going on? Is he telling the truth? How long have they been dating? Has he been leading me on? Aiura’s mind was a flurry of fury and bewilderment.
Leading her on? I was quite insulted, because I was clearly uninterested.
“He has his good qualities,” I deadpanned, turning back to my book. “Did you need something?”
“Yeah, I need you to get your head out of your ass and see your own worth!” This is like if Beyonce dated Rudy Giuliani! Ugh, I can’t believe he won’t even let me tweet about this.
“If you’re just going to trash-talk my boyfriend, leave.”
“Okay! I will! Cuz I sure as hell don’t wanna do anything else!” He’s hopeless. No wonder he never looked twice at my boobs — not only is he gay, but I’m a hella hot catch, and he has the worst taste imaginable!
Aiura stormed out. I smirked and took a sip of my tea. One suitor down.
Only one problem: I had a boyfriend now. What a pain. I’d avoided him that day, but I’d have to hang around him to keep up the ruse.
I tapped my finger idly against my mug. The Aiura problem was quickly solved — her disgust with Toritsuka was enough to immediately turn her off me. Unfortunately, as she was the only one of my problems who knew both Toritsuka and I, my peace would last only as long as we were able to keep the ruse up — she could never know that it was fake, though as long as I maintained my fictitious homosexuality, I could perhaps stage a fake breakup. That left Teruhashi, and by extension Rifuta. New problems would no doubt result from this development — none of my fr-ahem, associates had ever had a significant other, so I couldn’t predict the changes it would bring to our dynamic. Hm, maybe Nendou and Toritsuka would get along well. Toritsuka was pals with Nendou’s dad, after all.
There was, of course, a fail state to this plan.
I could not, under any circumstances, allow my parents to find out. They would insist on meeting my partner. That could not happen. And I especially couldn’t bring Toritsuka in contact with Kusuke.
Not again.
“Saiki, we have a problem!”
“We’ll talk on the roof,” I told Toritsuka, grabbing him by the wrist and hauling him into the hall.
Are they going to break up? Kaidou thought as he anxiously watched our interaction at the classroom door. I mean, I sort of hope so, because that guy feels like a real scumbag — but Saiki’s going to be so sad! I can’t tolerate anyone who makes my best friend sad!
Geez, who told him we were best friends? It certainly wasn’t me.
“Saiki, we have a problem!” Toritsuka reiterated once we reached the roof — unnecessarily, as there was no title card break. It was just repetitive. “That weird chuuni friend of yours thinks we’re dating, and now Teruhashi thinks we’re dating, and now the whole school probably thinks we’re dating!”
I pushed my glasses up by the bridge. “Correct.”
“Oh, right, of course you already know. And you definitely already have a plan to solve it, right? Hey, this is the perfect situation to use your mind control powers!”
“Do you really think I would have let things get this far if I weren’t in control of the situation?”
“I don’t like that smirk.”
“This is my normal face.”
“No, it’s not. Your normal face shows up in the dictionary next to the word ‘ennui.’” Toritsuka squinted suspiciously. “This whole thing stinks, Saiki. Are you doing protagonist bullshit again?”
“I’m no protagonist. You’re imagining things.”
“You have pink hair, dude! Whatever. I’ll just start telling people we’re not dating.”
“Hold it.” I grabbed him by his shoulder, looking menacing. “You’re going to go along with it.”
“Whaaaat? No way, man! I’m not into guys! Hey, wait, why the hell do you even want that? You’re like, painfully allergic to this shit!”
I had put quite a lot of thought into how to convince him, and had settled on appropriate terms.
“I require your assistance,” I told him. “We will fake date long enough to convince girls that I am not interested, at which point we can fake break up.”
“No way. No fucking way am I taking myself off the market waiting for some chicks to get over your gloomy ass.”
“But then there will be more girls for you.”
“That’s not gonna convince me!” A grin crept over Toritsuka’s face — a devious one. Well, maybe if he transformed into his hot girl form and let me hit—
“Absolutely not. Also, I’m fairly sure that counts as being into men.” Hm, maybe his heterosexuality wasn’t as ironclad as I thought. That might be a problem.
“Oh, come on! Okay, we don’t have to go all the way, just one squeeze —“
“Break is almost over. We’ll speak later.” I glared over my shoulder as I opened the door. “Rest assured, your cooperation will be rewarded.”
“Why do you sound like some kind of Yakuza thug? That’s not your gimmick!”
I knew Toritsuka would cooperate. Though he had a toddler’s ability to prioritize long-term rewards over immediate ones, the lure of me owing him a gigantic favor was too sweet to resist. I returned to my seat — which happened to be right next to Teruhashi. She was not being subtle about her staring.
I can’t believe this, she thought incredulously. I can’t believe I’m losing to that scumbag who’d flirt with other girls when he’s dating Saiki! If Saiki’s gay, he should have at least gone for my brother, because that’s the closest thing there is to a guy version of me, and I am the perfect beautiful girl!
Though the prospect of dating Toritsuka was repugnant to any reasonable human being, if it was between him and Tohru Mogami, I’d throw myself into the medium’s arms any day. I’d gotten used to Teruhashi having her head in the clouds and completely misinterpreting everything about me, so it wasn’t a surprising thought to hear.
Teruhashi wouldn’t tell her brother about my love life. I’d have to show him myself. I put that on my mental checklist.
I planned to meet with Toritsuka during lunch to discuss strategy. I found an empty classroom for us to talk in, but he arrived with someone in tow.
“Aiura, please leave us alone,” I told her.
Toritsuka grinned sheepishly. I tried to not let her follow me… he thought.
Aiura pointed at me accusingly. “Oh, you bastard! You almost had me!”
I exhaled sharply through my nose in disappointment. Well, it was a good try. To be honest, I hadn’t really thought I’d fool her for long. Of course she’d be curious and take a peek through that crystal ball to find out details about our “relationship.”
“Was I not a good enough fake girlfriend for you?” she demanded. “How the hell is he better than me, huh? Why would you ever choose him?”
Toritsuka snickered. “I guess now we know who the best member of the PK Psychickers is! I’m Saiki’s boyfriend now, suck my dick. Oh, wait, that’s Saiki’s job now.”
They were like a pair of bickering siblings, if you ignored Toritsuka’s thoughts about Aiura’s boobs that took up about 10% of his brain at all times.
“Both of you, stop it,” I ordered. “The only factor here is gender. Fake dating a girl didn’t work, so I’m trying a guy.”
“Then why not Akechi, hah?” Aiura’s voice was quickly reaching a desperate pitch. “He’d be a way better option!”
“I didn’t choose this,” I told her. “There were a series of coincidences that worked out this way.” And fake dating Akechi would result in…other complications. The feelings between the two of us were far more tangled than the feelings between me and Toritsuka. Not romantic, just tangled.
“Saikiiiiii,” Aiura whined, “come on! You could have just told me you weren’t interested without fake dating this slimeball!”
“Oh, really? I could have?” I loaded my voice with acid. “That’s news to me. Now leave. We need to discuss strategy.”
“I’m helping,” Aiura said. She got up on one of the desks, sitting with her legs crossed. “Because unlike someone, I’m a good friend.” And if this plan gets Teruhashi and all the other girls to give up on Saiki, I’m totally down for it! Wait, all the other girls? Uh oh. “No way am I letting the Psychickers get into a scheme without me!”
So I still had to deal with Aiura’s feelings once this was all over. What a pain. Well, I could use her help. If nothing else, I needed someone to infiltrate Teruhashi’s circle of friends for intel. I didn’t respond. She took my silence as assent.
“Okay, cool, you’re in — I never said I was!” Toritsuka said. “I didn’t sign up for this!”
“It’s not forever,” I said. “Two months should be enough.”
“Two months of no girls!”
“You don’t get girls anyway,” Aiura reminded him. “You ungrateful little bastard! You better take this chance, because it’s the closest you’re ever gonna get to a relationship! Can you not see how out of your league he is?”
“He just looks like a normal-ass guy! Even though he could transform his face to look like Kento Yamazaki!” He pointed at my face. “Who the hell would choose to look that plain?”
Harsh.
“Oh, that’s too far! Don’t you dare talk that way about my Kusuo!”
I crossed my arms and leaned back against the wall. Aiura looked ready to tear Toritsuka’s throat out. What a waste of energy. I didn’t need anyone to intervene on my behalf. Toritsuka’s assessment of my face as “plain” was a greater compliment than Aiura had ever given me.
“Focus,” I said.
They quieted down. At least I had their respect at the end of the day.
“If I’m gonna go along with this,” Toritsuka said, “there’s gotta be something in it for me.”
I tapped my finger against my chin. Given that Toritsuka was primarily motivated by girls, what could I offer that would incentivize him to give them up for two months?
“I’ve got a few ideas,” Toritsuka continued. “Here are my conditions. One: after this is over, you gotta help me get with any girl I want.”
He meant “any and every girl I want for the foreseeable future,” but that sentence could also be interpreted as “any singular girl, one time only,” so I offered no protest. Especially since “help” was so vague, and he didn’t specify that I had to succeed. He was offering conditions, but he was still pissed about the whole thing.
“Second: if I’m dating a psychic, I gotta reap the rewards! You need to take me on one date a week to do something cool as hell. Like, teleporting to Hawaii or something.”
I could manage that. Two months would come out to eight dates, give or take. That wasn’t bad. Mom was always saying I need to get out more.
“C: you gotta let me touch em.”
“No.” I was not going to transform into a girl four hours round trip (unless I took out the limiters, which cut the time down to ten minutes but sometimes made me vomit and the fast transformation hurt like hell) just so this idiot could cop a feel. “Come up with another condition.”
“Oh, so you’re accepting the first two?”
“I didn’t say that. We’re still negotiating.”
“Hey, I’m adding one!” Aiura pointed at both of us with one hand, using her pointer finger and thumb at a right angle. “You two aren’t allowed to fall for each other, ‘kay? No feelings! I’ve read enough fanfiction to know we need to head this off at the pass!”
“Stay out of this!” Toritsuka yelled. “That’s a given, anyway!” He chuckled, his demeanor abruptly changing. “Well, on my side. I can’t be held accountable if Saiki succumbs to my charm and good looks.”
I gave him my second stoniest glare — that is, the stoniest I could glare without literally turning him to stone.
“Ugh, here’s your third condition,” Aiura said. “Think about it, Toritsuka. Every girl thinks you’re a loser. But if you’ve dated someone, that raises your desirability score. It proves that you’re at least somewhat dateable, even if it’s fake. This is the only way for you to get your foot in the door!”
“Hey, I don’t need bullshit desirability scores or whatever! I’m a catch, Aiura!”
Aiura and I exchanged a Look and suppressed our derisive snorts. I sighed. Time to pull out the ace up my sleeve.
“Next time you are forced to fast,” I offered, “I will bring you food.”
“And porno mags!”
“And soda. Not the porn. I’ll even throw in some candy. And no fertility gods.”
“Fine,” Toritsuka groaned. “You were just gonna force me to do this anyway, so I’ll take what I can get.”
“I’m glad you understand the situation.”
“So, what? Do I have to kiss you or something?”
I flippantly waved a hand. “You hanging all over me like a limpet seems to be enough to convince people. Just act…vaguely romantic.”
No backstory or grand farce would be necessary, given that everyone I knew was comedically quick to jump to conclusions.
“Oh, easy. I am the master of romance.”
I began to get a bad feeling. I ignored it.