Chapter Text
157 days.
It had been 157 days since Joseph had discovered the grave of his best friend. It felt like a much shorter time than that. The brunet was never good at mourning, and especially not good at mourning him . After finally killing Kars, Joseph didn’t let himself think about Caesar. Didn't let himself mourn. He threw himself into focusing entirely on Suzi. Joseph loved her, and she helped him distract himself. They got married, and started a life together in New York City.
Suzi Q and Joseph Joestar made sense. They were a picture perfect couple to everyone, and the two seemed to be very happy. Joseph was happy, or, at least, he certainly tried to be. He thought that if he pretended enough — no, if he could fool enough people — maybe he would end up fooling himself, too.
On days like these, though, Joseph struggled to smile, and struggled to keep that blond asshole off his mind.
Joseph always thought about the “what-ifs.”
What if they had never gotten in that stupid argument?
What if he had run after Caesar, in all his stupidity and rage, and stopped him from going in alone? And even then, if he couldn’t stop him, Joseph could’ve at least helped him take down Wamuu, that bastard.
Maybe then Caesar would still be alive. Joseph wouldn’t be so lonely.
“Jojo.” Joseph could almost hear his voice. What next? Caesar would flash that gorgeously charming look, the corner of his lip quirked up into a snarky smirk. He’d say something flashy. Something just to get on Joseph’s nerves. Then, he'd snap back with something, too, and Caesar's face would contort with annoyance.
Joestar let out a sigh, particularly one of discontent and displeasure. It did not help his already sour mood. He would never let someone — not even his own wife — catch him dead in the act of grieving Caesar. That wouldn’t be a problem, not today. Suzi was out, having gone shopping with a few of her friends. Her husband opted to stay home.
Joseph allowed his eyes to fall on the lattice window in front of him. It was raining outside, on that lonely day. Each drop of water hit the glass in a gentle rhythm. It was a rather gloomy sight. As the storm kept on, Joseph reminisced, thinking back to his nights on the island. All of his memories there felt so distant.
“Jojo.” The blond had called to him, then, so long ago, in a rare moment of authenticity. “It’s raining. I love the rain.” Joseph’s heart ached at the memory, as he recalled the sound of Caesar’s voice to the forefront of his mind. People always say that someone’s voice is the first thing you forget about someone once they’re gone.
But not Joseph. He still remembers Caesar’s voice.
Back then, on the island, Caesar and him would often sit on their balconies together and gaze at the stars and the moon. Joseph recalled fondly how much Caesar knew about the stars, and the constellations. Whenever Joseph couldn’t sleep, he’d sit on his balcony and Caesar would join him, and the two would sit in silence for a while. These nights were never spoken of, and never discussed, and somehow, they were some of Joseph’s favorites.
And yet, amidst his melancholy and depression and reminiscence, out arose a certain kind of guilt. It consumed every part of him.
Joseph knew he should’ve been grateful to be alive. He should’ve been happy — he should’ve already been blissfully and unconditionally in love with Suzi — and eager to start a family with his wife. His guilt tore every last bit of grief he felt into shreds. If Joseph couldn’t be grateful for the second chance that was given to him, perhaps he didn’t deserve it. It was Caesar who deserved to be here.
That damn casanova deserved to be alive, married to some other, equally as stunning lady who was equally as perfect as Caesar was. They’d have a perfect house, and a perfect family, and perfect neighbors. Caesar would have the perfect life that he deserved.
Joseph felt heavy. It was more often than not, especially recently, that he struggled to mourn his friend. He was being ravaged by his guilt, and, much like the storm that raged on, it showed no signs of stopping, not any time soon.
1146 days.
Three years, one month, and twenty-one days.
Joseph Joestar hadn’t stopped counting. Since the day of Caesar’s passing, Joseph had kept track of how long it had been since he had last seen that idiot’s face. He decided it had been too long on the third day. But that was three years, one month, and nineteen days before this one. It was nearly impossible to believe that the brunet was still mourning his friend after so long, but whenever he shut his eyes, he’d still see him. His short, perfect blond hair and his green eyes. Caesar’s purplish-pink birthmarks that sat symmetrically on either side of his face. Joseph knew, though, that the man he once knew was long gone, and he’d never see him again.
Joseph missed him in a way that twisted his heart and destroyed any glimpse of happiness that remained. Maybe that’s why Joseph did his best to force away the memories of the past. They were in the past. They needed to stay there, he decided, except, they wouldn’t.
Suzi and Joseph ended up having a baby together, nonetheless, and they were happy. They named their little girl Holly. It was nice to have something to look forward to every morning. Joseph quickly took a liking to little Holly, and eagerly listened to her nonsensical babbling whenever it was there to hear. He proved to take to fatherhood much easier than most. It was the least he could do, for the sake of all of them. For the sake of his family.
But even then, in his happiest moments with his loving wife and nearly two month old baby, he still felt guilty. That same guilt had been silently, relentlessly gnawing away at him for years.
He was an undeserving father. An undeserving husband. An undeserving liar .
There was only one man who deserved such a good and fulfilling life. Joseph knew well who that was. He found himself alone, locked in his bedroom.
And the first time in a very long time, Joseph Joestar cried.