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When Jiang Cheng went on that night hunt alone, he didn’t expect this to happen. If he had known, he would have brought someone, A-ling, maybe, or more likely, Lan Huan. Someone, at least, because he did not feel like facing his father for at least another century. Real or an illusion created by the fumes of the resentful spirits he just defeated.
“A-die,” he began, resenting the man’s gaze on him, making him feel small and young and unworthy even after everything that happened.
“Jiang Cheng,” Jiang Fengmian’s tone was calm, and exactly like in his memories, brimming with barely concealed disappointment.
And all of a sudden, Jiang Cheng wasn’t in the forest anymore, he was standing atop the piers of Yunmeng, desperate for his father to give him any indication of approval at all. To spare him a glance, a smile, even a nod would be enough. For a hug, he would have done just about anything.
“I rebuilt Lotus Pier,” he blurted out, hating that any progress he thought he made to heal from the festering wounds his parents had left vanished when he was actually facing the man. Not even the real person, just a mirage, a ghost, but still leaving him grasping at everything he’d ever accomplished, presenting it to the previous Jiang sect leader and hoping it was enough.
Jiang Fengmian nodded; expression neutral. He gave no indication of what he thought, and barely any indication that he even heard his son.
“Some parts aren’t the same as it used to be,” Jiang Cheng continued, “but it’s as strong as it once was, trade is flourishing, and there’s more disciples every year and the people are happy and well off,” the ‘are you proud of me yet’ went unspoken.
“Hm,” was all he got in reply.
“That’s it?” Jiang Cheng couldn’t help from blurting out. Hurt he thought he was long past feeling bubbling up.
“What did you expect?” Jiang Fengmian asked harshly, “that I would congratulate you for the things you could only achieve with Wei Ying’s golden core?”
A stiff silence followed, broken by Jiang Cheng’s hysterical laughter, sobs quickly overtaking it.
“I’m being so stupid, you’re not even real,” he hissed shakily as he wrenched himself back to the present, running his fingers along Lan Huan’s forehead ribbon to remind himself of how different everything was. How far he’s come.
He wasn’t the same person he was when the Wen came, he was tempered by the razing of Lotus Pier, by the ensuing war, by all the pain and loss and death that came during it all, and after. He was sharpened and polished by his role as Sect Leader, and all the joy and sorrow and responsibility and struggles that came with it. He was still healing from the cuts that his mother’s sharp tongue and his father’s cool indifference left, but Wei Wuxian’s love and Lan Huan’s support are already closing the wounds. And the first time he held A-Ling after he was aware since his world ended changed everything. Even before he was realized, he knew instinctively that he would never raise his nephew the way his parents raised him.
“There’s lots of things I want to say to you, actually, a-die,” he said, “I know you’re not really here, but this is good enough.”
Jiang Fengmian only sighed, and Jiang Cheng decided to take it as permission to continue.
“I won’t make the same mistakes that you did. A-Ling is confident and secure, and he knows he can always come to me for help, he knows I love him, I made sure he would never doubt that. I wish you could have done the same for me.”
“Jiang Cheng,” Jiang Fengmian sighed, “What is it that I’ve done that’s so horrible?”
“Whenever I needed you, you weren’t there, and nothing I do is ever good enough for you, you constantly claim I don’t understand the sect motto, when were you planning to explain what it is that I didn’t understand? You only seem to have anything to say to me when I lose my way or make a mistake,” Jiang Cheng growled in return.
“Did you know, a-die,” he said, before Jiang Fengmian could reply, “Whenever I cry, I can always hear you sighing in disappointment. I’ve had to pretend I’m okay for my entire life, I’ve had to pretend that your disappointment doesn’t break my heart, and you’ve done the impossible because my heart was never whole to begin with.”
Jiang Cheng wiped roughly at the tears that began welling up in his eyes and rubbed Lan Huan’s ribbon a little harder, focusing on the sensation of the thin white strip of fabric between his fingertips.
“Jiang Cheng,” Jiang Fengmian said in a chastising voice, “your mother was a difficult woman -”
“No,” Jiang Cheng interrupted, “a-niang wasn’t perfect, but that is no excuse for you. Me, Wei Wuxian, A-Jie, we were all so young, you should have known better than to involve us, any of us. But you never thought of that, did you. You never thought of how you were hurting all of us. It didn’t matter how humiliating it was for a-niang that there were so many rumors you cheated on her, it didn’t matter that Wei Wuxian felt like he owed you, it didn’t matter that A-Jie basically singlehandedly held our family together, or that people said you preferred Wei Wuxian over me, and I couldn’t tell them they were wrong because it was true. No, all you could see was what you wanted, what you lost. Your pain.
“You’ve wondered why I can’t seem to understand how to attempt the impossible, right?” Jiang Cheng whispered, “Well why would I, when all that matters is I succeed, and whenever I fail, I was being reckless or foolish or selfish? Why would I try if I get punished for failing every time?”
“You were only ever interested in proving yourself better than everyone else!” Jiang Fengmian snapped, “You turned everything into a competition, you push everyone away! You’re constantly jealous and -”
“Was I really? Or did you tell yourself that to feel better about yourself,” Jiang Cheng said softly, rage and hurt mixing to form something sharp and ugly behind his sternum “I’ll admit, I was competitive, do you know why? I wanted to be the best because maybe then you’d finally love me,” his voice cracked, and he blinked away the tears that were threatening to make another appearance.
“For the longest time, I was ashamed of my life because it was empty. Because of what you taught me I was, I didn’t know how to let people in, I didn’t know how to convince myself that I deserved them, their love and affection and time, but I'm learning, and A-Ling and Wei Wuxian and A-Huan are good teachers. I tried to forget what you taught me about myself, a-die, and I’m still working on it, but I'm getting there. And my family helps. Some days I’m still afraid that they would decide I’m not worth it, and they would leave, but they’re few and far between now.”
There was a pregnant pause after Jiang Cheng finished, with only the occasional sound of his soft breaths interrupting the silence. Jiang Cheng shifted, and the crunch of the twigs on the forest floor reminded him that Lan Huan was waiting for him back at Lotus Pier. He turned away from the mirage of Jiang Fengmian, which had already started to fade, and made quick work of checking the surroundings for resentful energy. The encounter had left him feeling hollow and tired, but lighter as well, the newfound closure soothing the ache of wounds he’d long gotten used to. He didn’t spend much time dwelling on it, opting instead to mount Sandu and go home. Right before he rose above the trees, he heard a faint voice. It sounded like his father, but it couldn’t have been, for it was proud and full of love.
“Goodbye A-Cheng”