Archive of Our Own ^beta

Haruka had a lot of regrets in her life. The more notable ones are forgetting to bring her camera on the day her class went on a field trip to the oceanarium with the biggest penguin exhibit in the country, taking strong black coffee instead of herbal tea on the night before performing on one of the most prestigious music awards shows in the nation, not joining the Miyamasuzaka High School official basketball team because she prioritized her duties as a member of MORE MORE JUMP!, missing An’s 15th and 16th birthday because of her idol obligations in ASRUN, and retiring once as an idol because she had given up on her dream.

But somehow, even with the congregation of all the major regrets in her life, it’s not enough – it will never be enough to equal that small and stupid and selfless mistake.

“She’s performing here in Tokyo on the weekend. Four days from now. I thought I would let you know.”

Haruka looked up slowly, diverting her attention from the opened notebooks and books scattered on the table in front of her to the person who was fixing their attire, whose back was facing her and their front facing the mirror located near the table. Haruka’s glasses perched on the bridge of her nose, a curious glance present on her face.

“Another national tour?” asked Haruka, sounding disinterested.

“International tour,” the person corrected her, facing her with an eyebrow raised. They approached the table where Haruka was currently situated and pulled a chair from below the table. They gingerly sat on it as they looked pointedly at the Haruka who was sitting across from her. “She’s performing in North and South America soon after the Asian leg of her tour. Kohane told me all about it a few days ago.”

“Ah, yes, of course,” Haruka merely murmured back at her as she picked up a piece of paper that was clipped on one of her books, refocusing on the study materials in front of her. “Good for her.”

“Really, Haruka?” she heard the person across from her heave a sigh of exasperation. “That’s all you have to say? We’re really doing this? Again?”

Haruka put down the paper to where it was situated moments ago and stared at the person across her, mild indignation present on her face as told by her slightly creased forehead, caused by her eyebrows furrowing.

“An,” she spoke with much certitude. “We’re not doing anything. As a matter of fact, I have tests for tomorrow and the day after that so that is what I’m currently focusing on. I would appreciate it if my best friend would stop bringing up insipid topics and bothering me about it.”

Haruka watched An’s face contorted from irritation to what she could tell was pity.

“Haruka, if you could just–”

“No, that’s enough, An.”

Haruka knew where that conversation was going. She and An had it in the past multiple times and in most of them, it did not end up well. Those conversations mostly included shouting and throwing things and definitely a lot of insulting, one time even included them physically assaulting each other, resulting in both of them sporting bruised faces the following day, so for her and An’s sakes, she needed to end this as quickly as possible.

“Just have a good time in your performance today and leave it be, okay? Say hi to Kohane for me.”

Haruka brought her attention back to the papers in front of her, picking up a pen to continue answering the problem set she was doing earlier before An disrupted her focus with the announcement.

Not a few moments later, she heard the chair from across her being dragged, signaling that An stood up from her position. She momentarily looked up to see a dejected look on her childhood friend’s face.

Haruka felt bad. It was not in her intention to upset An. An was always there for her, even when she opted to live alone in the apartment for university, An was willing to accompany her so as to not let her be alone.

She sighed inwardly and took off her glasses, folding them neatly as she placed them on the stack of papers on the table.

“Hey, An,” she called out to her friend who was fixing her jacket, preparing to leave the apartment. An glanced at her with a downcast look, making Haruka feel even terrible. “Thanks for always worrying about me,” Haruka offered her a halfhearted smile, quietly hoping that the latter would reciprocate the gesture despite Haruka’s behavior earlier.

Haruka saw the corners of An’s lips tug themselves upward as she returned a soft smile to her childhood friend. “I’m always worrying about you, Haruka,” said An, her tone gentle and caring. “You’re my best friend. I just want you to be happy, you know? Seeing you all down in the dumps makes me sad, dummy.”

She felt guilty once more. Haruka knew all of that. An never once put her own emotions and feelings above Haruka’s ever since they started living together, even long before that. 

“I know,” agreed Haruka, her voice almost sounding despondent. “I appreciate you so much for that,” she sighed as she closed the notebook in front of her before looking back at An. “I’m sorry for being short with you earlier. Studying for test week has been chewing up my leg. You know how it is.”

An laughed lightly, causing Haruka to smile to herself as she realized that the tension between them started to evaporate. 

“Yeah, I know,” chuckled An, scoffing lightly. “University has been beating your ass since last year. You look like absolute shit, Kiritani.”

Haruka put one hand on her chest as she gasped dramatically, feigning offense.

“Not all of us are in a happy relationship with a famous performer, you know,” she playfully sneered back at her, the statement brought about a certain and specific mellow in her chest, one that she tried to push down multiple times in the past.

“You’re making it sound like Kohane is the reason why I don’t look like shit! And, excuse you, I am also a famous performer.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Haruka made flaying hand motions, waving An off. “Good luck on your performance later, oh-so-famous performer.”

An gave her a rather rude hand gesture causing her to laugh at the display, An laughed with her afterward.

“I’ll get you some food when I get back tonight,” declared An after she and Haruka finished with their laughing fits. “Is there anything you want?”

“Anything, just please bring something else other than noodles or ramen this time,” teased Haruka. “It’s all we’ve eaten this week.”

“It’s only Tuesday.”

“And you always bring a week’s worth of noodles every night! Too much salt in food is bad for you, you know.”

An offered her a salute, a serious expression on her face. “Of course, Kiritani-sama!”

Haruka shook her head at An’s childishness, quietly laughing to herself. 

“Alright, alright,” An gathered herself. “I really need to go now. I’m going to be late. Kohane is watching tonight so I need to do my best.”

After exchanging their goodbyes and farewells, An opened the door and exited their apartment, leaving Haruka by herself.

She sighed to herself before she picked up her glasses and put them on. Before she started studying again, she looked for the missing earbud under the stack of papers and once she found it, she put it on the left side of her ear. Hitting the play button on her phone, a mellow and soft tune filled her ears seconds later, making her hum to its familiar melody. She opened her notebook and grabbed her pen as the music helped her focus, her gaze fixated on the study materials in front of her once more.

If people told Haruka that seven years later, she would be studying at a university in Tokyo, taking a degree in marine biology, and living with her childhood best friend in the same apartment, she would have definitely called everything nonsense since she was currently dead set on becoming an idol once more with her newfound group, MORE MORE JUMP!. 

But fate was funny like that.

Fate.

Haruka did not believe in it. Intangible things such as fate have no position in the world of idols because, despite their sparkly and sunny dispositions, the idol industry is calculating, therefore fate was not welcomed, rather, it was trashed and discarded.

While she was studying, the back of her mind kept nagging at her, something that has been happening for a very long time. She refused to acknowledge it, even though she knows exactly what is causing it. Her subconscious was always relentlessly berating her and throughout the years, she had learned how to suppress it.

That does not mean she knows how to permanently get rid of it. It was always there, screaming silently, nagging quietly. 

When An told her that announcement earlier, that voice screamed at her. Loudly. It only happens whenever she sees her or hears about her .

Sometimes, she wondered what could have been and maybe, that quiet voice that was always yelling in the back of her head would finally quiet down.

And maybe, just maybe, she was still with her .

After a full hour of studying, Haruka felt drowsiness hit her. Stretching both of her arms, she released a yawn. 

She figured she could probably use a power nap after all that studying. Quickly setting her alarm, she released another yawn, much to her annoyance.

She removed the glasses nestled perfectly on the bridge of her nose, as she situated her arms on the table, crossing them before she laid her head on them, the right side of her head reclined to one side, facing the door. Not a few moments later, she felt slumber take over her.

“You have been scouted!?”

“What!? No! I was just asked to perform in this one show. I don’t know how it happened but they said they want me to perform there.”

“That’s a very famous venue known for the critics and the popular singers that always go there. They really asked you to perform, huh… That’s amazing, Minori!”

“Ah, Minori-chan, I’m so excited to see you perform–”

“...without the rest of us?” asked Haruka, stalling the excitement.

Silence engulfed them as Minori pursed her lips in a straight line.

“That’s what they said in this envelope…”

Haruka looked at Minori who was clutching the letter in her hands, confusion, and indecision evident on her face. She glanced at Shizuku and Airi, who were both at Minori’s sides, mixed emotions present on their faces from what Haruka could tell.

“What should I do..?” Minori murmured to all of them, her eyes cast down on the floor. “I want to perform but I don’t want to do this without all of you…”

Minori received a letter from a director of a music auditorium whose name precedes its reputation. It was delivered to her after one of their shows where they debuted a new song that was somewhat Minori-centric. The letter said that they were particularly impressed with Minori’s performance in their recent lives and offered the newbie idol to perform in the auditorium as a sign of them recognizing her talent.

“You shouldn’t turn down this proposition, Minori,” said Airi, a stern expression directed towards her. “You must accept this proposal. You don’t get any chances like this. You can even use this as an opportunity to get MORE MORE JUMP!’s name out there.”

“I agree with Airi-chan,” Shizuku agreed, the conflicted Minori looking up at her seniors. “We will support you all the way.”

“But, I want to do this with all of you,” Minori insisted, some tears visible on the corners of her eyes. “Remember what happened with Shizuku-chan and Cheerful*Days?” asked Minori, her voice bordering on a quiet whisper.

Both Shizuku and Airi went still, more worry evident on their faces as they recall what transpired between Cheerful*Days and Shizuku not a long time ago.

“I don’t want us to end up like them,” said Minori, with finality. “That’s why I’m rejecting their offer. It’s MORE MORE JUMP! or nothing.”

“But Minori-chan…”

“Minori…”

Haruka assessed the situation properly to try and come up with the most desirable outcome for all of them. Among all of MORE MORE JUMP!, Minori was the one that struggled to get her name out there the most, the one who was always looked down on by their fans, and the one who was often called immature and un-idol-like. 

An opportunity like this, getting to perform at a very known venue, is the perfect way to prove everyone who doubted her wrong.

“Minori, no,” Haruka told her, causing Minori to look at her with puzzlement. “You should not turn them down.”

“But Haruka-chan–”

“You’re worried because you think accepting that offer would end up with us being like the rest of Cheerful*Days, right? Jealous and full of hatred?”

Minori bit her lower lip as she cast her gaze on the ground once more, her worries being declared out loud by her idol making her antsy. 

“Minori, we’re not Cheerful*Days,” Haruka walked over to Minori, putting her hands on top of both Minori’s shoulders, causing the brunette to immediately look up at her, her face slightly flushed from their closeness. Haruka gave Minori a small smile. “We, out of all the people in the world, know that you are the perfect representation of MORE MORE JUMP! and best of all, a representation of hope,” she saw that Minori’s worries were still clouding her. “We will never be like Cheerful*Days because we see you for who you truly are.”

The corner of Minori’s lips started to tug themselves upwards and Haruka grinned internally. “Minori, this is the perfect opportunity for you to show the world who you are, to prove those who rejected you wrong. An idol will always encounter solo work from time to time too.”

“You think so?” Minori looked at her, her eyes almost pleading.

“I know so,” Haruka stressed, giving the brunette a serious expression as she put down the hands that were clutching the brunette’s shoulder. “Why do you think you were invited to perform in such a prestigious event? Because other people are finally seeing the potential the rest of us have seen. And if you perform here, more people will see it as well.”

Haruka wanted nothing more in the world but for it to finally recognize Minori’s hard work and talent. She does not know many people who have the same level of determination as Minori, more determined than her. Out of all of them, she knew, in her heart, that Minori is the one that will give hope to many people, surpassing even her.

Minori glanced at Shizuku and Airi, offering her reassuring smiles before she cast her gaze back at Haruka, who was staring at her with so much belief and adoration.

“Okay,” Minori whispered.

“Okay?” Haruka reiterated, watching as the girl in front of her nodded slowly then furiously. “Okay? You’re sure?”

“Okay, I’ll do it,” Minori told them with now a determined smile on her face, her brows furrowed and her hands clutched in a fist. “If this performance will help us as MORE MORE JUMP! and I get to inspire hope in people, then I will do it. After all, I am an idol.”

Haruka watched as both Airi and Shizuku made sounds of celebration, hugging the brunette who was displaying a rather bashful look at both of them. 

The display warmed her heart.

The world was now opening their eyes and soon, they will witness the Minori she had always believed in. She approached the three of them, joining in on their group hug. She saw Minori smiling widely at her.

As her heart pounded relentlessly in her chest, Haruka could only hope that she would be able to see that smile for a long time, to accompany her in the many hardships that are about to come their way.

As long as she sees that smile…

“Oi, Haruka, wake up!”

She felt someone nudging her rather aggressively from her position.

“Get up already, you human-sized penguin! I’m about to set up the table for dinner!”

“Give me a few more minutes,” she managed to grumble out. “Leave me alone.”

“Oh, you little!”

She soon felt her face meeting the cold surface of the floor. Haruka groaned loudly as she forced herself up, glaring at the smirking girl who was holding the chair she was peacefully sitting on before her face made out with the floor. 

She felt the upper half of her body roar in the soreness as she inwardly flinched at the pain. She thought that maybe taking a nap in that type of position was a bad idea. She also blamed her phone’s alarm for not setting off loudly, causing her to sleep the entire afternoon away. She quickly fixed her hair, straightening out some loose ends as she tried to regain some of its fluffiness.

An gave her her glasses before Haruka quickly snatched them from her childhood friend’s grasp before putting them on, giving An a snarky look.

“You’re such a little shit, you know,” she cursed at her friend who was laughing and carefully gathering the study materials on the table. “That’s not a good way to wake up your sleeping friend, you piece of shit!” Despite her complaints, Haruka helped An by gathering the rest of her things. 

“That is what you get for sleeping on the dining table,” her friend simply said, a mischievous smile directed at her. “You gotta get more sleep at night, Haruka. You’ve been oversleeping lately.”

“I need to study,” she merely shrugged before she heard An sigh.

An gave her her materials before she went to the living room, which was literally also the dining area, separated only by a counter. It took her a few moments for her to organize papers and books.

When she walked back to the dining table, An had already set up both of their plates and utensils, their dinner already prepared.

“Oh, curry?” Haruka asked excitedly as she dragged a chair back to sit down, An doing the same from across from her. “It’s been a long time since you brought home curry.”

“Well,” An shrugged. “My favorite restaurant was still open at this hour, surprisingly, so I thought I’d get them since I know you’d like them.”

“Thanks for being such a good roommate, An,” she grinned widely. 

“Yeah, yeah,” she waved her off. “Let’s eat already! I’m starving!”

“Itadakimasu!”

Their dinner was rather uneventful. Having slept almost the entire afternoon away, Haruka was hungry and was not in any mood to converse. She was also very tired from studying diligently so she could use a good meal to refuel herself.

“Kohane told me some stuff earlier,” An suddenly broke the silence, dropping down her chopsticks as she picked up a piece of tissue paper that was on the table. “She also brought a couple of interesting guests with her too. It really shocked me. Those guests even told me that they missed me.”

“Hm?” responded Haruka as she put a piece of curry in her mouth, not really paying attention to what An was about to say.

“Shizuku-san and Airi-san said they wanted to see you.”

That definitely caught her attention.

Haruka felt her eyes widen at the declaration, immediately swallowing the piece of meat, causing her to throw a fit of coughs, her glasses almost falling off from where they were nestled. She hastily reached for the glass of water in front of her. After her throat felt relieved, she fixed her glasses on her face and she glared at An, who was guiltily looking at her.

“Sorry, was that surprising?” 

“What do you think?” Haruka deadpanned.

Haruka gulped down what was left in her glass before she set it down on the table with slight force.

Tension filled the room as An struggled with what to say to her friend and Haruka was unsure if she was ready to hear whatever her friend was about to tell her. Haruka sighed to herself after she figured that it is better to get this resolved than have another fight with An.

“You met with them?”

“Technically, they met with me.”

“Why did they want to meet up with me?” asked Haruka carefully, her gaze cast on her plate, which was almost empty, refusing to look at An. “Was it something bad?” She chewed at her bottom lip. “Did they look like they were mad at me?”

“No,” her friend immediately disagreed. “I mean, at least I think no. They looked somewhat happy earlier when they said your name so I don’t think it’s bad.”

“Did they say when?”

“If you’re free Friday, they’d appreciate it.”

Haruka heaved a sigh. She did not exactly have a falling out with them. It has been over almost two years since she had last seen and conversed with Shizuku and Airi. The last thing she heard from them was that they were planning to retire from being idols permanently. It was long overdue, Haruka thought. She did not bother to ask the reasons why but she thinks it is because those two wanted to settle down together. After that, they did not meet up nor called each other. They just quietly drifted apart. Haruka knew that Shizuku and Airi were tight and would not be surprised if they are still together until now. For them to suddenly reach out to her, after such a long time with no communication at all, was very surprising.

“I have Airi’s number here with me,” said An, breaking Haruka’s train of thought. “I’ll send it to you later, so if you want to contact them, there you go.”

Haruka only nodded and gave her a quiet thanks before she resumed eating her food, An doing the same as they continued to eat silently.

Haruka could only give herself a pat on the back for choosing an apartment with two bedrooms, one of them having a balcony. Having won in a game of rock, paper, scissors against An, she got the room with the balcony much to her delight.

On rather cold nights such as this one, she liked staying there, observing her surroundings. Leaving her glasses discarded on her bed behind the glass sliding doors, she took in the somewhat blurry sight in front of her. 

She leaned on the railing, both her elbows situated on the cold metal. She admired how tall the buildings from across are. She looked down at the streets below, watching people walk across the pedestrian lanes, seeing the different cars drive past each other, creating a plethora of lights after them.

She put the end of the cigarette up to her lips, taking a slow draw from it, inhaling the puff of smoke, feeling the warmth of it wrapping her lungs like a warm blanket before she exhaled it. She huffed out a cough and cleared her throat afterward as she continued watching the city lights flicker from time to time.

She remembered the first time she touched a cigarette. It was her first year in university, two years ago. A friend from her one class dared her to try and take a drag from her stick of cigarette when they were finished with their project. In the past, Haruka would have immediately declined, listing down different reasons as to why an idol should not smoke but it was all in the past now. Her first try at it ended up with a lot of coughing, inhaling the smoke but refusing to let it down her throat. With a few more attempts, she managed to get the hang of it, the feeling of nicotine engulfing her lungs somehow comforting to her as time went on.

She was not necessarily addicted to it but she did like doing it whenever she needed to think. And right now, she has a lot to think about.

After taking another long drag, she placed the remains of it on the ashtray on the table she put on the balcony. As she took out another stick from the pack of cigarettes in her pocket, she pulled out a blue lighter from the other. Putting the end of the stick to her lips, she held the lighter to the cigarette’s tip, covering it with her other hand as the wind blew quite strong from where she was. She inhaled in quick successions after she used her thumb to push the lighter’s button, lighting her cigarette not a few moments later. She pocketed her lighter and faced the tall buildings once more, the stick dangling from between her middle and index fingers.

She heard the sliding doors behind her open a few minutes later.

“Hey.”

She did not need to look back to know who that was.

“Hey,” she said after she drew another long drag. “You’re still up,” she said as she looked at the person who was now next to her, leaning her back against the balcony, her elbows perched on the railing. “Don’t you have another performance tomorrow?”

Without looking at her, Haruka knew An merely shrugged at her. 

“I only have rehearsals. You can come if you want since you are always holed up in here.”

After coughing quietly when she took another drag of the cigarette, she let out a chuckle. “I have another test tomorrow so I can’t.”

“Then, shouldn’t you be studying right now?” she glanced at An, who was raising an eyebrow at her. An turned around from her current position and mimicked Haruka’s. 

“I suppose you’re right,” Haruka snickered before she put the end of the cigarette back to her lips, drawing another drag.  “It’s still 10 PM so I have a few more hours to kill,” said Haruka after she exhaled the smoke from her lungs. She heard a poorly concealed sigh from next to her. She quickly cast a glance towards An and saw the girl looking at her ashtray on the table.

“That’s your third one,” said An, mostly to herself if she was being honest. “Must be a lot of things running around in your head, huh?”

Haruka woefully smiled at her before looking back at the tall buildings in front of them. 

“Is this about meeting with Shizuku-san and Airi-san?”

“More or less,” Haruka shrugged.

“You can always decline them,” An pointed out. 

An had a point. She can always turn down their offer but she felt like what Shizuku and Airi were about to say to her was important. It was not like she held a grudge against either of them nor does she remember any offense she committed towards them, except for that one fight she had with Airi when their group was about to break up but that was all water under the bridge. The only obstacle was the sense of awkwardness and maybe a sense of resentment that they might have harbored for her after such a long time.

“I haven’t made a decision yet but I’ll let you know,” Haruka took a rather long drag from the cigarette before throwing a short fit of cough after puffing out the smoke. “Honestly, I couldn’t even think of a good enough reason to refuse them, other than we haven’t seen each other in a long time.”

“Seems like a perfect reason to me,” An chastised her.

Haruka let out a laugh as she glanced at An, looking at her pointedly.

“They missed you, you know. They told me.”

Haruka cast her eyes down, unsure where her feelings for them stood.

“I know you miss them too,” An carefully nudged her friend after she said that, a small but teasing smile on her lips.

“Oh, shut up.”

An let out a short laugh as she watched Haruka cast her gaze on the buildings in front of them once more.

Quiet and cozy nights like this were one of the perks of living with your best friend in your own apartment. Usually, when test seasons are not in session yet, she stays out late most of the time because she is at her university to work on her own research and thesis. When she comes back to the apartment, she usually finds takeout for her on their dining table and An was peacefully slumbering in her bedroom. Naturally, she took some cooking classes so she and An could enjoy a homemade cooked meal from time to time whenever she is not staying out late.

“I like watching the lights of the buildings turn off,” Haruka suddenly said. “It means that there are people behind those windowsills. It reminds me of the people who worked backstage to close the lights and curtains after a performance.”

“I get that,” agreed An. “It’s really fascinating what you get to see from this height.”

Haruka nodded at her, holding the end of the cigarette up to her lips once more before inhaling a drag.

“Whenever I look down on the cars passing by,” began Haruka after she exhaled the smoke out of her, craning her head slightly as she gazed down, An following her line of sight. “Sometimes, they look like penlights waving at you and when there is no traffic and every car seems to be zooming, they look like spotlights, rushing to find the person they should cast their light on.”

She paused, exhaling a sigh. “But I’m here, hard to reach.”

An glanced at Haruka, who seemed to be transfixed by the sight below her, a solemn expression written on her face. An knows that it was practiced. She saw through that façade. After drawing another drag, Haruka brought her gaze back to the buildings in front of them.

There was a comfortable silence that settled between them, the only sound being heard was Haruka inhaling and exhaling the puffs of smoke and the busy road from below them

“I wonder,” whispered Haruka, loud enough for An to hear. “I wonder if she’s in a building right now, on a balcony, looking down from it and witnessing the scenery I’m seeing.”

An sucked in a breath when she realized Haruka was talking about that again.

“I wonder just how many people she had cheered up with her performances,” she said after taking a rather awfully long drag from her cigarette. After she exhaled the smoke, she held the stick near her face, nearly all of it almost gone now as she observed it. “Unlike this, her fire never wavers, never lessens.”

Haruka chuckled. “Instead, it shines and touches hearts while mine was put out years ago.”

“But she never failed to cheer me up,” Haruka laughed once again and An found herself listening intently as this is the first time in a while she and Haruka talked about this topic without getting tense with each other. “Her determination to work towards her dream was truly something else.”

“Her determination,” Haruka repeated, the words sounding foreign on her tongue. “I knew it would take her places,” she chuckled lightly. “Literally and figuratively. And I was right. She’s going on an international tour! Can you believe that? Even ASRUN can’t do that.”

“Haruka…”

“She’s so amazing, An,” she told An but it only looked like she was convincing herself of something. “She is taking over the world with her talent like I knew she would.”

An saw one of Haruka’s hands grip the railing supporting them tight, her face contorting into a scowl yet a smile was still in place.

“She’s so amazing,” she lowered her head and closed her eyes tightly, causing her face to scrunch up in what An could tell was forlorn. “Amazing…”

“So why did I push her away?”

“Haruka, it wasn’t your–”

“Oh, no,” Haruka chuckled bitterly, tapping the end of the cigarette butt on the railing, putting out the light from the end of the stick. “You said it yourself before. It was my fault.”

“You know to yourself I didn’t mean it when I said it,” An bargained with Haruka, her voice pleading. “Haruka, it wasn’t your fault she got a lot of offers after that performance in the auditorium. You couldn’t control that.”

“Yeah, you’re right, it wasn’t,” agreed Haruka, a doleful tone present in her voice. “But I encouraged her. I pushed her to do those and in turn, I pushed her away from me. And now she’s out of my reach.”

“You only did it because you thought that was best for her,” An desperately told her. “Because you believed in her so much.”

Haruka scoffed and shook her head as she put the cigarette butt on the ashtray, another bitter smile settled on her lips.

“I should have been more selfish then,” she told herself, feeling the corner of her eyes slightly heat up from the tears that were forming there.

Selfish. She does not know why she said that.

“Maybe if I just stopped myself from saying that I want her to perform on that stage before then maybe she and I…” She folded her arms around her body, hugging herself in an attempt to remain composed before she felt the first strings of her tears streaming down her face. 

“If I could have just been more selfish, then we could have…”

Haruka could not bring herself to say it as she released a quiet sob. An moved over to where Haruka was and put an arm around her shoulder, bringing her closer to her. Haruka let go of herself to clutch on the arm that was in front of her, holding it tight, hoping An’s warmth was enough to provide her comfort.

“An, I should have been more selfish,” Haruka’s voice strained. “We could have achieved our dreams together. Her, Shizuku, Airi, and me, we could have done everything together!” she yelled out. 

“If I could have just been more selfish,” whispered Haruka, her tears meeting her tongue, its saltiness overlapping with the taste of the cigarette that lingers on her tongue.

An cooed at her, rubbing at her friend’s shoulder, and offering her sweet nothings.

“An, I miss her,” Haruka sobbed once more before An held her tighter. “I miss her so much.”

Haruka never once said it. After three years of living together, she never once mentioned anything about missing her . An knew Haruka trained herself how to conceal her true emotions due to her profession as an idol but despite the circumstances, she saw through it all. She sees how Haruka’s eyes flicker curiously yet subtly whenever she is on the television. She sees how Haruka takes a short intake of breath whenever a song of hers comes up on the radio in the car. She sees how Haruka’s gaze lingers on her display whenever they visit music stores. When Haruka thought she was being subtle, An saw it.

“I know, Haruka,” she left a kiss on the top of her best friend’s head, hoping to provide some comfort. 

“I know.”

Haruka was out of words. 

She could not breathe.

She could not find not them.

Not after that performance.

Sitting in front of the auditorium, directly in front of the stage where Minori stood, she watched as the brunette took a bow at the audience in front of her, a lone spotlight the only thing illuminating her from the stage.

She stared silently, her lips slightly parted as opposed to the loud cheers Airi and Shizuku were making next to her. She watched as Minori walked backstage, the small but frilly ribbon at the back of her idol costume flowing right behind her. She watched as Minori disappeared from the stage.

It had been a solid fifteen minutes and Haruka still could not find the words that would perfectly articulate what she felt about Minori’s performance. The members of the audience from their row started getting up to leave, leaving them alone. 

She heard Airi and Shizuku moving and she glanced at where they were rushing towards, watching as their heels clicked and their dresses streamed behind them. She watched as they both approached Minori, who was running towards them, giving them their celebratory hugs. As they walked back to where she was, she heard their cheers of jubilations.

Minori wore a formal simple, white, long dress, with different silver ornaments overlapping with the garment, something they managed to rent with their current budget. Haruka thought that she looked perfect in the dress. Her hair was curled slightly in the ends, cascading on her shoulder.

“You were amazing, Minori-chan!”

“Minori, I have never seen such power on stage! That was the coolest I have ever seen from you!”

Haruka wanted to compliment her as well but the force of Minori’s astounding performance left her in shock, taking her breath away.

Haruka felt a force suddenly on her, making her stumble a few steps back as she grabbed hold of one arm of the brunette who was squeezing her tight. When Haruka registered what was happening, she squeezed her eyes shut, and a content smile splayed itself on her lips, reciprocating Minori’s gesture, hugging her back.

“Thank you for your encouragement, Haruka-chan,” Haruka almost shivered at the soft and genuine voice that whispered. “Thank you for your support.”

Haruka pulled back and saw Minori’s eyes glistening with tears of joy and a smile she could barely hold back. Haruka hoped she could finally find her voice but to no avail.

“Haruka has been staring at you so impressed,” Airi chided in before letting out a laugh, causing Shizuku to giggle as well and Minori to get instantly bashful as she slowly withdrew her hands from Haruka’s shoulders, looking away from the idol. 

Haruka could not find the strength to bicker with Airi because she was right, she was impressed rotten and now she cannot find her voice.

“You,” she finally breathed out, her voice as breathless as she had expected it to be, making Minori look back at her. “Are amazing.”

“Haruka-chan,” the brunette managed to rasp out back.

Shizuku and Airi found the whole ordeal amusing, teasing smiles on their faces as they watched Minori grow flustered at Haruka’s breathless compliment but what they could not have seen coming was Minori suddenly connecting her lips to Haruka’s cheek. They only stared in shock and Airi was particularly impressed with Minori’s boldness.

When Minori pulled back, Haruka felt her eyes flutter shut, the warmth Minori left on her cheeks was spreading throughout her face. She opened them once more only to see Minori staring back at her bashfully, biting back a smile and probably holding back a faint from the way the flush covered her face.

Haruka could only let out a chuckle as she reached out to Minori’s hand that was resting on her side. She interlaced their fingers together, looking over to Minori who was gaping at the entire display.

“Let’s go?” she asked Minori before turning to Shizuku and Airi who seemed to be doing the same gesture as her to each other.

Shizuku and Airi merely nodded at them with wide smiles on their faces.

“Excuse me!” A voice yelled out to them before they walked out to leave. “Excuse me!”

They looked behind them and saw a woman approaching them, well, more like running over to them. From the direction she was approaching, Haruka figured she was coming from backstage. She was wearing a rather formal attire, a gray pantsuit, and a pair of glasses was perched on her nose. By the clear grays evident on her head, Haruka figured the woman might be in her near fifties. She stopped right in front of them, resting both of her hands on her knees, her back hunched over as she gasped for air. After a second or two, she straightened herself up before fixing her glasses on her face.

“You’re all the members of MORE MORE JUMP!, yes?” she asked them.

“Yes, that’s us,” Haruka supplied.

“Wait,” Shizuku said as she narrowed her eyes at their new visitor. “You look familiar. Have we met before?”

She chuckled lightly. “Ah, yes, Hinomori-san. We briefly worked together. I wrote some of the music Cheerful*Days sang and am currently producing music for many idols. I scout idol talent as well.”

The members of MORE MORE JUMP! looked at each other, unable to resist feeling some sort of delight when they realized a music producer had approached them. Despite their excitement, they maintained their composure, waiting for the woman to say what she was going to say.

“Sorry for rudely stopping you earlier,” the woman apologized. “But I needed to get this out before you all left.”

“Which is?” Airi raised an eyebrow.

“First of all, Minori Hanasato, you shone dazzlingly in your performance earlier! I would like to congratulate you!” she suddenly said to the brunette as she directed her gaze at her, causing Minori to blush lightly and laugh softly at the comment, putting a hand on the nape of her neck.

“Hehe, thank you for supporting me,” she let out, smiling widely at the producer. “I always try to do more and more of my best every day.”

“I love that attitude of yours, Hanasato-san!” the producer grinned at Minori before turning to face all of them. “That’s why I would like to invite you and the rest of your group to perform in this one event I’m hosting. Many known idols, soloists, and bands are performing and I want you all to be there.”

The four of them looked at each other, grinning instantly at the proposal.

“Of course!” affirmed Minori when she got the memo from the excited looks on the rest of her group mates’ faces. “We would be happy to perform!”

“Ah but,” the woman said, cutting off their excitement as they stared at her. 

“But?” Haruka prompted her to continue.

The producer merely smiled widely at all of them but Haruka felt a wave of unease wash over her, and judging from the expressions written on Airi and Shizuku’s faces, she senses they feel the same.

“I would like Hanasato-san to have a solo performance afterward.”

“Thank you for agreeing to meet with us, Haruka-chan. I was afraid you would decline.”

Haruka gave them a forced smile, her feet fidgeting uncontrollably under the table as she interlaced her fingers on top of the wooden surface. Her glasses started to fog slightly because of her deep intake of breath.

“Yes, well, test week is over and it’s almost the weekend,” she shrugged at them, her voice almost coming out shaky. Haruka thought that maybe that response made it seem like she just forced herself to come just for the sake of it. “And I figured there’s no harm in catching up with old friends,” she added, mustering up a smile as genuine as she can.

After that very eventful conversation with An three days ago, she does not remember going back to bed. She just studied for a few more hours straight on her study table until she was finally hit with drowsiness, causing her to sleep on the table. An, being the best roommate and best friend she could ever have, woke her up before her alarm could. Although she was running on barely eight hours of sleep, she still remembered the things she had studied the night before so she can safely say that she found the test just fine. The same could be said for the following day. Even though she looked ragged as she walked through her university, she really cannot do anything much about that.

Haruka and An never talked about their conversation after they had it but Haruka found a new profound appreciation for her best friend as she promised herself to pay her back soon in whatever way she can.

Eventually, after having another lengthy talk with An on the night of the last day of her tests, Haruka reluctantly agreed to meet with Shizuku and Airi. She messaged Airi with the number An gave her, typing only “It’s Haruka. Where do you want to meet?” instead of beginning with a formality, which caused her to receive another berating from her best friend.

She was surprised when Airi replied not a few minutes later, responding with a name of a diner she was unfamiliar with but nevertheless, was located within the city. She never replied after that.

So, here she was now instead of spending her usual Friday night catching up on her favorite television show.

In front of Airi and Shizuku, in the diner they agreed to meet up. They were seated in a booth not too far from the counter. 

She almost felt intimidated, vulnerable even. Having both Shizuku and Airi seated together while she was alone across them did not feel right. She was used to seeing Shizuku and Airi sitting next to each other. She subtly put a hand on the space on the seat next to her, not used to having the space unoccupied while Shizuku and Airi were in front of her. 

The way her hand lingered on the empty seat on her side almost felt like she was chasing something.

Looking for something she lost.

The diner was quaint, not a lot of people are inside the establishment but Haruka thought it only added to the homey ambiance it provided her. The beige walls were littered with different paintings so the walls do not seem so lonely. The busy and illuminating city of Tokyo that can only be seen during the night can be seen from the windowsill of the diner, giving them a perfect view of people passing by.

Haruka discerned a lot of noteworthy changes her old friends had. She saw Shizuku’s hair was cut significantly shorter, almost matching the length of her younger sister’s hair when she was back in high school. She took note that Shizuku’s height barely changed, perhaps just a few centimeters in, Airi, however, was a different story. She grew taller, Haruka painfully noted. She was still taller than the former idol but she was no longer the girl whose height nearly just reached Shizuku’s shoulder blades. Airi’s hair was tied back in a ponytail, something she rarely does when they were still in high school.

Haruka wondered if they also saw how she changed.

“You’re wearing glasses now,” Airi observed her, smiling slightly. “And your hair is all fluffy and shorter.”

Haruka let out a short chuckle. “The barber suggested it. He thought it was perfect for me.”

“It looks good on you,” Airi gave her a soft smile.

“Thanks.”

Before Shizuku can say anything, a waiter arrived to take their order. Haruka watched the people in front of her, taking note of the gentle smiles and soft looks they were giving each other when they were talking. After the waiter has taken their orders, they diverted their attention back to each other.

“Haruka-chan is studying at a university in Tokyo, yes?” Shizuku asked her.

“Marine biology,” confirmed Haruka before she drank the glass of water in front of her. “I’m in my third year now.”

“That’s very cool, Haruka-chan,” the taller girl beamed at her. “That sounds very you. I hope you continue to do well in your classes.”

“Thanks, Shizuku, I hope so too,” replied Haruka with a short laugh, feeling the tension from earlier slowly dissipate. 

“You live within the city, right?” Airi chimed in.

“Yes,” nodded Haruka. “Actually, my apartment is a few blocks from here so it’s not too far a drive.”

“Do you live alone?” curiously asked Shizuku. Haruka sensed the concern seeping into the other girl’s question.

“Ah, no,” she shook her head before giving them a small smile. “I live with my childhood friend, An.”

“Oh, you mean, Shiraishi?” Airi’s eyes widened at the revelation. “I remember Ena telling me that her brother’s friend would be staying in an apartment in Tokyo. An never mentioned it when we met up with her the other day.”

“Yeah,” chuckled Haruka. “I was really surprised when she insisted on living with me knowing she’s a busy performer and all and you know, she’s basically a celebrity but I do appreciate having her around.”

“How about you guys?” She tried to divert the topic. “How are you? What have you been up to?” Haruka bit her lower lip. “It’s been a while since we last talked.”

“Ah, well, we’ve been doing pretty good ourselves,” answered Airi. “I’ve been writing for a couple of variety TV shows. You know, helping them make their programs interesting with games and stuff.”

“Really?” Haruka could not hide the surprise laced in her voice. “I never thought you’d still do something related to some of your past work.”

“So did I,” Airi sounded surprised herself. “But, you know, it took me a while and I struggled a bit to find whatever job suits me but someone from my past needed help in producing this game show he hosted in and I just couldn’t say no. After that, well, you know, it’s history. The show was a success and people asked me to come up with plans for variety shows and help produce them.”

Haruka genuinely felt happy about her friend’s success. She still remembered what Airi told her in the past, about how she thought that the variety shows she was continuously appearing in were stripping her of her idol identity. Even though she soon realized that she was still an idol despite the circumstances given to her, Haruka still wondered about the pain she felt being used merely as a commodity to boost their name.

“I’m happy for you, Airi,” she offered a soft smile to the pink-haired girl across her, Airi reciprocating the gesture. She turned to Shizuku. “What about you, Shizuku?”

“Oh, me?” Shizuku mused. “Before, I used to work at a fashion brand, helping the people there embroider different designs on the clothes they sell. It only serves as a part-time job now since I like my current job better.”

“Oh, what is it?”

“I am a caretaker in one of the bird sanctuaries in Kawaguchi,” Shizuku grinned at her. Haruka saw how Airi’s smile widened when Shizuku spoke of her current occupation. “It pays well enough but it sort of serves as a dream come true for me. I have always dreamt of taking care of birds with Shii-chan when we were younger.”

Haruka smiled. She knew of Shizuku’s fascination with birds when she conversed with Shizuku’s younger sister in the past so to see the ex-idol do what she likes now, with no compromise, makes her happy.

“Speaking of which,” said Haruka. “How is Shiho?”

“Ah, Shii-chan?” Shizuku gave her a small smile. “I’m aware she is somewhere in Tokyo, substituting for other famous bands since Leo/need took a hiatus for a while.”

“Leo/need took a hiatus?” Haruka raised an eyebrow, the surprise in her voice very evident.

The older Hinomori nodded. “Shii-chan reassured me that she wasn’t fighting with the other members of her band but I think it may have something to do with creative differences. Either way, they needed to take a break since they’ve been going at it for months.”

Ah, yes, Haruka almost forgot that Leo/need was now a well-known band in the city. Right before MORE MORE JUMP! broke up six years ago and before she lost contact with Ichika and Saki, she vaguely remembers the vocalist of the band that they finally found an agency that would take them in. She said they were entering the world of professionals.

“Tell Shiho I wish her luck,” said Haruka, causing Shizuku to nod back at her with a small smile.

Haruka was made aware of the fact that she still does not know why both Airi and Shizuku asked to meet up with her. Judging from the way both of them were acting around her since earlier, she concluded that they have no resentment or ill wishes towards her.

“Hey, guys,” she called out to them, trying to mask the wary look that she can feel forming on her face. “Why did you ask to meet up with me, anyway?”

“Ah, how could we forget!” Airi suddenly exclaimed, Shizuku breathing out a chuckle afterward. “Sorry for prolonging it!”

“I know that it has been two years since we last talked,” Airi began, biting down on her lip. “And it’s probably our fault for not reaching out–”

“No, it’s not just you,” Haruka cut her off, looking at them guiltily. “I may have played a part in it as well.”

“Haruka…”

“I think it was just,” Haruka stammered out. “Hard for me to be with you because seeing you reminds me of…”

Haruka closed her eyes tightly as she bowed her head, unable to say what she was about to say next, the name leaving a sour taste on her tongue. She clenched her hands on the table, trying to prevent herself from breaking down again. She felt a warmth over her closed fists, looking up to see Shizuku’s hands on her own. She looked into Shizuku’s eyes, understanding present in those light blue orbs.

“We know, Haruka-chan,” said Shizuku, smiling sadly at her, Airi sharing the same expression.

She let out a shaky breath as she offered them a smile, appreciating their concern. Shizuku withdrew her hands back before Haruka composed herself, straightening her glasses.

“Sorry for interrupting you guys,” she chuckled apologetically. 

“It’s cool, Haruka,” Airi shook her head. “We all know that topic is hard for you to talk about.”

Haruka wanted the move past that conversation. “So, what is it that you’re about to tell me?” she asked them, hoping that it was not obvious she wanted to stray away from that topic.

“Ah, yes, right,” Airi clasped her hands tightly together on the table, interlacing them as she took a deep breath. “About our announcement.”

Haruka mentally prepared herself for what was about to come, hoping that the announcement was not anything serious like one of them was suffering from a terminal illness but she digressed from that thought. 

She saw Airi letting go of her one hand and reaching out to Shizuku’s left hand that was sitting peacefully on the latter’s lap. Airi brought their interlaced hands to the top of the table. She could not stop the throaty gasp that came out of her, her face almost comical with the way her mouth went agape when she saw Shizuku’s left hand, more specifically, her ring finger, donning a dazzling silver engagement ring.

“Oh my God,” she breathed out, looking up at the both of them, her lips contorting into a wide smile. “Oh my God!”

She heard Airi and Shizuku letting out quiet giggles at her reaction.

“You guys!” she exclaimed happily. “Congratulations!” she resisted the urge to stand up from her seat and rush to both of them just so she can give them tight hugs but she figured that there is still an air she needed to clear up soon so she refrained from doing so. “When?” she asked instead.

“A couple of weeks back,” Airi chuckled at her.

“How did it happen?”

“Airi planned it for months,” answered Shizuku, sporting a bashful look on her face as she looked back on Airi’s proposal. “She went to my workplace without me knowing and was secretly training one of our birds with the help of one of the staff there.”

“I swear that guy does not like me even though I pay him to teach me,” Airi grumbled out loud, causing Haruka and Shizuku to laugh.

“So, a few weeks ago, I was really surprised when I was the only person at the sanctuary and then I found her at the place where the birds go out to play,” Shizuku continued, smiling fondly at the memory. “She was wearing one of the whistles we use to call out the birds and I was shocked when she blew it and one of our rescued eagles flew over to her. Then, I noticed that the eagle gave her something.”

Haruka figured it was the sparkly ring Shizuku was wearing. She looked over at both of them, Airi gazing at Shizuku with such a gentle look as if the taller girl was the only person she could spend lifetimes looking at. 

“Then, she…” Shizuku blushed madly as she let out a giggle, causing Airi to look away in embarrassment. “Well, you know what she did next.”

Haruka let out a laugh at both of them, feeling her chest contract, not in pain, but the genuine happiness she feels for the both of them. Back in high school, Haruka knew there was no one replacing Airi for Shizuku and the same goes for Shizuku for Airi. Everyone in their class can always feel the romantic tension between the both of them. Haruka felt it every time they practice on the rooftop. It made sense, Airi and Shizuku, one of the few things that made sense in the world for her.

“When’s the wedding?” she excitedly asked.

“Hopefully, a year from now,” Airi supplied before she looked at Haruka with hopeful eyes. “The reason we called you is that we were hoping you could become one of the bridesmaids. Is that alright?”

Haruka felt her heart sour as she found herself nodding furiously.

“Of course!” she exclaimed. “I would be so honored.”

“She’s not going to make it to practice again?” worriedly asked Shizuku.

“That’s what she sent me in this message,” Airi told her with disdain as she scrolled through her phone. “Guess it’s just us three again today, girls.

MORE MORE JUMP!’s performance in the event the producer offered them to perform in was a resounding success. Haruka would call that an understatement. 

Minori’s solo performance, however, gathered more crowds than she initially thought. Many people instantly became fans the moment Minori performed on that stage. Haruka was mesmerized by it.

Apparently, so were talent scouts and even more producers.

It had been over three months since Minori performed by herself on that stage, and since then, she had been getting offers from different famous scouts and producers, asking for the brunette to perform in some events. Minori was always reluctant to accept their offers but the three of them, Haruka, Shizuku, and Airi, were supportive of her. There were times she rejected some of the offers but Haruka was one who was able to convince her to take them.

Because of that, Minori was absent from their practices and streams. The fans often inquired about Minori’s whereabouts and every time, they enthusiastically answered what she was currently doing. 

Haruka cannot help but feel lonely without the brunette around. She has this feeling brewing within her chest, something she could not fully understand. It was somewhat a mix of dread and regret, and perhaps a twinge of joy, she could not really tell.

“Hey, girls,” she called out to Shizuku and Airi who paused their stretches. “I have something to ask.”

“Hm?” Shizuku hummed, bringing down her outstretched arms.

“Do you think Minori would do better without us?”

The question hit them hard, causing silence to wash over them. Haruka could tell the tension between them was thickening and she figured that maybe she should have just kept that question to herself. Shizuku and Airi glanced at each other before the pink-haired idol let out a quiet laugh, almost sounding empty.

“Don’t be absurd, Haruka,” said Airi, looking pointedly at the girl sitting on the steps near the exit of the rooftop. “Minori is not the type of girl to just suddenly leave us.”

“That wasn’t really my question.”

Haruka felt like Airi was just dancing around the topic, carefully treading the waters to see how she would react.

“Haruka-chan,” Shizuku walked over to where she was seated before the taller idol seated next to her. “Are you worried Minori would leave us?”

“I don’t know,” Haruka told her honestly. “Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy Minori is getting these offers because it means people are finally seeing her talent after she struggled for so long but…”

Haruka felt Airi occupying the empty space next to her.

“But I don’t know,” Haruka managed to say before letting out a sigh. “I have this weird feeling she would do better alone.”

“Hey,” Airi nudged at her side, causing her to look at her senior. “Do you feel like we’re the ones holding Minori back?”

“What!?” Haruka’s eyes widened. “No! No, of course not! Never.”

“Do you feel like Minori would like it if we suddenly disappeared on her because we think she would be better off without us?” Airi raised an eyebrow at Haruka.

“No,” Haruka chuckled woefully. “I don’t think she would appreciate that.”

“Then, stop worrying,” Airi nudged her again, a small smile on her face as she did so. “We all know the prowess Minori possesses, that’s why we’re pushing her to do these performances because we want many people to see her talent.”

Haruka contemplated what Airi said. It was true. Minori accepting these offers to perform was the perfect way to share with the world her talent. Not to mention, it was also a way for their group to get recognized. Either way, to Haruka, it seemed like a win-win situation for all of them.

“Yeah,” Haruka finally nodded, sighing in relief, smiling at her seniors beside her. “You’re right. Minori is staying in MORE MORE JUMP! with us for a long time.”

Even though an optimistic aura surrounded her last statement, she could not help but feel uncertainty loom over her.

Haruka was beyond thankful to the owner of the diner for having a designated smoking area near the said establishment.

She did not mean to rush out of the restaurant but she could not help it when Shizuku and Airi reluctantly told her that they were planning to invite her to their wedding.

It was not like she did not consider the possibility. In fact, she expected it. She just did not know how to react once they said it.

When Haruka last saw and talked to her six years ago, she thought that was not the case for Shizuku and Airi. The three of them might have established some sort of bond before she eventually lost time to contact them, rendering their friendship in a complicated place. 

Whatever it was, it was not as complicated as Haruka’s something – she was not sure what to call it – with her.

After exhaling the puffs of smoke out of her lungs, she looked over to the diner, contemplating whether she should come back and apologize to the couple for her sudden outburst. She shook her head as she took another drag of the stick, looking away from the diner, diverting her attention to the people near the busy sidewalk. She removed her glasses and folded them neatly on the top of the placket of her shirt so as to refrain the smoke from clouding her glasses.

“Wow,” a voice appeared next to her. “I never once imagined or even considered that you, of all people, would smoke.”

“New habit, I suppose,” was Haruka’s only reply before shrugging in nonchalance, refusing to look at the person who suddenly popped out of nowhere next to her. “Airi, what are you doing out here?”

“I came to look for you,” said Airi’s concerned voice. “You rushed out of the place quickly. I was worried.”

She looked at her former group mate, her hands tucked inside the pockets of the jacket she was wearing. She gave her a thin smile before looking back to the sidewalk.

“You don’t have to worry about me,” she said before holding the cigarette up to her lips as she sucked in another puff of smoke, exhaling it in quick succession after. “I’ve already memorized this city like the back of my hand.”

“Haruka, I’m sorry we didn’t tell you.”

“It’s fine,” she quickly replied. “It was improper of me to react the way I did so I apologize for that as well.”

“We hope whatever we said won’t hinder you from coming to Shizuku and I’s wedding,” Airi bit her bottom lip. “We really want you to be there.”

Haruka’s reaction might have given them the impression she would no longer attend their celebration. She felt guilty for causing them to feel that way.

“Don’t worry, Airi,” she faced the other girl after she exhaled the smoke she inhaled from her recent drag of her cigarette. “I’m still going. I was just,” she hesitated. “Really surprised when you told me you were planning to invite her.”

“Shizuku and I debated about it for a while but we eventually came to the conclusion that she’s an important figure in our lives,” Airi breathed out. “We want her to be there.”

Haruka only nodded at her before facing away.

“Have you ever talked to her?”

She scoffed loudly at the question. “No, never.”

“Why?”

Why?

Haruka was not sure why. She pondered on that question for a long time and never did she manage to come up with an answer. She still has her number saved in her phone but found it futile when she realized that she must have changed it. 

It has been six years since she last talked to her because she cannot stomach the fact that facing her would mean Haruka dealing with the pent-up emotions she took years to repress. And she was not ready to have another roller coaster of feelings to deal with.

Haruka shrugged instead, taking another drag of the cigarette before letting it go on the ground, stepping on it, and putting the flame out. She picked up the cigarette butt and pocketed it.

“She’s performing here in Tokyo tomorrow night.”

Haruka was constantly reminded of it. The billboards, the songs on the radio, and the news on the television kept nagging at her about that performance. 

“I know. I’ve been told.”

“Shizuku and I have an extra ticket with us,” said Airi before chuckling to herself. “Those things are hard to get but we managed to get some VIP seats.”

Haruka frowned at what Airi was implying. An never dared to do that even though she could tell her best friend wanted to. She looked at the girl next to her who was wearing a wearisome expression.

“We figured we’d give it to you.”

Airi reached into one of the pockets of her pants and pulled out a small envelope. She extended her hand to Haruka.

“What makes you think I would go to her concert now? I haven’t seen her perform in six years.”

“I don’t,” shrugged Airi, the hand holding the envelope still outstretched for Haruka to take. “It’s entirely your choice.”

“Then why are you giving the ticket to me?”

“I don’t know for myself, to be honest,” Airi let out an empty laugh. “But I feel in my guts that this might help you.”

“Well, your gut feeling is wrong,” Haruka weakly countered, her voice trembling. “I don’t want to see her.”

Lies.

“Look, Haruka,” said Airi gently as a solemn expression took over her face. “I know fairly well what happened to the both of you in the past, Shizuku and I were literally there! But, do you really think you could resolve it by running away from it?”

“I did just fine in the past years. I see no problem in extending that record.”

Airi let out a chuckle at that incredulous response.

“You don’t have to come if you really think you can’t take it but I’ll just leave this for you, okay? Just in case you change your mind.”

Haruka was hesitant to accept the envelope. She could feel her senses losing themselves as the sight of the envelope containing the ticket to her concert made itself tempting, like a person walking in the desert, finally arriving at the oasis they sought for.

Slowly, Haruka reached out. 

The envelope was finally within her grasp, its weight not more than a milligram but felt heavy in between her fingers. She immediately put it in her pocket.

“Have you talked to her?” Haruka found herself asking Airi in a whisper.

“Shizuku texts and calls with her sometimes when she isn’t busy,” Airi answered honestly. “It took me a while to find the courage to speak with her but I usually just text her how she’s doing from time to time.”

“Have you met with her?”

Airi chuckled sadly. “You’d be really surprised how hard it is to meet up with an internationally famous idol, Haruka, even if they were your friend.”

Haruka felt her heartstrings being tugged painfully out of her chest when she realized that maybe she would not be able to see her after all. As she took a deep breath, the stale scent of the cigarette lingering in the back of her throat, she asked Airi one more question.

“Did she ever mention me?”

Airi looked reluctant when Haruka asked the question and that gave her the answer she was looking for.

“I see,” she murmured, facing away from Airi.

“She mentioned you once,” Airi spoke up suddenly and Haruka had to whip her head back to look at her, her usually despondent cerulean orbs were glimmering with a small hint of something.

“She asked how you were,” continued Airi. “But we weren’t able to answer that because we lost contact with you and I can’t lie to her.”

Haruka then wondered what would have happened if she did not stop speaking with Shizuku and Airi. She felt her insides clench tightly when she felt like she added another bullet to the list of her major regrets in her life.

“Thank you, Airi,” she said instead of wallowing.

Airi gave her a small nudge with her shoulder, giving her a small smile, and Haruka responded with a quiet chuckle.

“Thanks for coming to catch up, Haruka,” Airi suddenly said as she offered a smile to her former group mate. “It is really nice seeing you again, even though you now look like the stereotypical high school boy with glasses and short hair you see in animes.”

Haruka laughed at Airi’s analogy, missing the way Airi’s snarky remarks could cheer her up. “Thanks for inviting me.”

“Don’t be a stranger, alright?” the shorter girl raised an eyebrow at her. “Call me when you want to, okay?” 

Haruka nodded at her. “And you with me as well.”

Airi gave her a grin.

“I should get back,” she regretfully informed Haruka. “Shizuku might get worried, and don’t worry, I’ll explain everything to her.”

Haruka gave her a nod. “Of course, of course. Tell Shizuku it was great seeing her again.”

Airi reached out to Haruka’s shoulder and patted her, smiling at the taller girl.

“See you soon,” she said before she made her way back to the diner. 

“Hopefully, sooner than I think,” was the last thing she heard from Airi and she greatly feared that maybe, just maybe, she would.

“We can’t keep going like this, Haruka! It’s been a year! I’ve been keeping this pent-up for the longest time and this is the last time we’re having this!”

“Don’t you want our name out there!? It’s been a year yet not a lot of people still know of our group but they know Minori!”

“Do you seriously hear how you sound right now? You sound insane!”

“Haruka-chan, Airi-chan, please calm down…”

“No, Shizuku!” Airi looked at the taller idol pointedly, a scowl present, creasing her forehead. “Haruka has gone off the rails this time!”

Haruka grew silent, her scowl deepening as she looked towards Airi, the latter giving her the same sharp expression.

“Haruka, do you realize what you just did!?” Airi deadpanned. “You just told Minori she’s allowed to go on a five-month tour with this talent scout!” Airi flailed her arms, making unintelligible and frustrated gestures. “Our streams will decline or even worse! Do you still even want Minori in this group with us!?”

“Of course, I do! I’m just giving her the push she needs to accept this opportunity! It’s a talent scout, Airi! She deserves this!”

“Haruka, you insane bitch,” Airi breathed out, laughing incredulously as she shook her head, walking over to where Shizuku was, rubbing her forehead with her index and middle fingers as she turned away from the idol, unable to look Haruka in the eyes. “I can’t even look at you right now.”

“Haruka-chan,” Shizuku called out to her, worry etched on her face.

“Shizuku,” Haruka pleaded. “Please understand where I’m–”

“It’s like you’re the one pushing Minori-chan away…”

Haruka gritted her teeth and her jaw clenched as she tightened her fists on her sides. She closed her eyes tightly because red was the only thing that clouded her vision.

“So, what if I am!?” 

Haruka heard audible gasps from the two girls in front of her, the sweat dripping from her face felt like heavy bullets. She was breathing heavily and she felt like she was about to pass out.

“We all know Minori is better than any of us!” told them, unable to stop the yell being ripped out from her throat. 

“She doesn’t deserve to be with people like us! She deserves to be on the biggest stage of the biggest stadium, not here on this stupid rooftop with us!”

Haruka never knew that at that moment, she had made her life’s greatest mistake.

“Haruka…chan?”

Minori continued on with the tour, as per Haruka’s request.

Haruka never found the courage to chase after her.

Shizuku and Airi managed to patch things up with Haruka a few weeks later when the tour was in its third week, which was essentially surprising to her.

Haruka has not been able to contact Minori since then but she knew Airi and Shizuku did since they tried to update her from time to time about the other girl but she did not think it mattered. 

“Are we sure this is the right thing to do?”

“MORE MORE JUMP! is not the same without Minori-chan.”

Haruka clenched her fists at the mention of the brunette’s name.

“If not, what do you guys think we should do?”

“I mean if ever,” Airi hesitated. “We could go on as a trio?”

“Airi, I think you have forgotten that we’ve been a trio for a while now,” Haruka chuckled bitterly. “I guess we know who to blame for that.”

Shizuku put a hand on Haruka’s shoulder, giving the idol a pitied look, causing the idol to look up with a sad smile before she removed Shizuku’s hand gently.

“Let’s face it,” Haruka suddenly spoke up, such scorn and melancholy were easily evident in her voice as she looked at both Shizuku and Airi, feeling the hope in her eyes evaporate into thin air. 

“I don’t think we can continue as MORE MORE JUMP! anymore.”

Despite their efforts to try and salvage what was left of their group, the other two idols knew Haruka was right.

They announced their disbandment two months later after that conversation. Their fans caused an uproar in the comments section in that specific stream. 

Shizuku and Airi announced that they were going to become soloists, something Haruka fully anticipated.

Haruka, on the other hand, announced that she was permanently retiring from being an idol. Both Airi and Shizuku immediately knew of that before she announced it.

Just as when that stream ended, someone violently opened the rooftop door, the frame of it loudly hitting the concrete, startling the now former idols from where they were standing.

As they cast their gazes at the person who disturbed them, Haruka’s breath hitched at the sight of a Minori sporting the angriest look she had ever seen on the brunette.

“How could you all do this without me!?” she ran over to where they were.

Haruka has never heard Minori’s voice laced with so much anger and disappointment.

“You didn’t even think of telling me you were about to do this!?”

“Minori, we had no choice,” Airi quietly told her, biting her lower lip. “Shizuku and I are graduating this year, so we needed to decide on something quickly.”

“You could have at least informed me about it!”

Haruka struggled to find her voice as Minori faced her, the brunette’s expression mixed with both anger and dejection.

“And you too, Haruka-chan? Not being idols again even after everything we’ve been through together? Even after discovering our feelings and our fun times in our SEKAI?” cried Minori, tears streaming freely down her face yet her scowl was unrelenting. “You agreed with this?”

When she looked in Minori’s gray pools peering back at her ceruleans, she could not find any trace of the person who told her that she was the one who gave her so much hope.

That shattered Haruka’s heart.

“I’m the one who proposed it.”

Just as when Haruka uttered those words, she watched first-hand how Minori’s heart suffered the same fate as her own.

Third year went by in a blur and before she knew it, it was their graduation. As much as she liked indulging in school festivities, an important one like this, she could not find it in her heart to celebrate.

She found out that Minori dropped out of Miyamasuzaka before their third year from Kohane – who she assumed harbored some sort of resentment towards her, to which the other girl clarified that she was not as she was only upset that one of her best friends left – and as suspected, Minori’s idol career bloomed.

With the help of a nationally known agency that took her in, Minori started appearing in more magazines, her upbeat songs – and the occasional mellow ones – started bombarding the radios and music platforms, and she was slowly becoming the talk of the town as the idol who was set to change the world. 

After that conversation with Minori a year ago, she was not able to retain contact with the idol. She still has her number, of course, but she refrained from messaging and calling her because she felt like that brunette would not like to hear from her anymore. Minori was also not making any effort to contact her which only fueled her conclusion that the brunette wants nothing to do with her.

Shizuku and Airi took a break from their current projects to congratulate their newly graduated friend, which Haruka greatly appreciated, but somehow, even when she was surrounded by the most important people in her life, celebrating the new milestone she had just reached, something was missing and it left a gaping hole in her chest.

And she knew exactly what it was.

As cheery and jovial graduations usually go, this one was not very memorable for her.

Haruka went back to the apartment later than usual. She found the strength to return to the diner and bid the couple a proper goodbye, apologizing for the way she suddenly stormed out on them, even after they shared their wonderful news.

When she opened her apartment door, she was greeted with the sight of An watching on their television, an arm extended towards the television as she pressed the buttons to change the channels, her legs plopped gingerly on the coffee table in front of the sofa. Once An caught sight of Haruka’s troubled state, worry overtook her as she instantly stood up, rushed over to her, and guided her to the sofa. It took a few more moments for Haruka to gather her thoughts and explain as eloquently as she can everything that transpired in the diner earlier. She watched An’s rather gleeful reactions when she explained that Shizuku and Airi were getting married. When she got to the part where Airi handed her the ticket, her breath was caught in her throat.

“Airi-san gave you a ticket to you-know-who’s concert, huh…”

“Yeah,” nodded Haruka, uncertainty present in her voice.

“And you don’t know if you want to go or not?”

“I don’t think I can do it, An,” her voice strained, wavering lightly. “I haven’t seen her in so long,” she grew breathless. “What if she sees me?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Haruka,” An waved her off. “There’s no way she would see you in that crowd. The place is packed, you know. No one even recognizes you anymore so it adds to that.”

“I know but,” she paused as she bit her lower lip. “What do I say if I ever run into her?”

“You really need to stop thinking of things that have little possibility of happening,” her best friend shook her head. “It’s going to mess with your brain big time.”

Haruka looked unsure. An heaved a sigh as she put a hand on Haruka’s fidgeting ones that were settled on her lap. 

“Hey,” An cooed as she smiled at her in a hopeful attempt to calm down her friend’s nerves. “If you ever decide to go, you’re just going to attend a concert,” she saw Haruka’s mouth open and she raised an index finger at her, signaling Haruka to let her finish first. “I know that for you, it isn’t just any concert. It’s the concert of someone who was dear to you and probably, she still is.”

Haruka cast her gaze down, feeling the tip of her ears heat up from what An just said.

“But, maybe,” continued An. “Just maybe, this can be the resolution you’ve been looking for.”

Haruka looked at her, confusion and indecision were written all over her face. Airi said the same thing.

“You’ve always carried some sort of baggage with you and I don’t know, I feel like this could somehow help lessen it. You know, finally seeing her and maybe confronting your pent-up feelings.”

“Besides, you got nothing else to lose, right?” An gave her a nonchalant smile.

Haruka took a deep breath and contemplated. She knew she can count on An when it comes to reasoning things. She was still very much indecisive but her best friend was able to clear out some of her lingering uncertainties. She released a loud sigh as she leaned her head against An’s shoulder, the latter draping an arm around Haruka in response.

“Thanks, An,” she rasped out. “You’re the best.”

“What now, huh? You’re going to push me away like you did her!?”

“Fuck you, An! You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!”

“Oh, I don’t!? I have been your friend since we were young! I can see right through you, you asshole!”

Haruka did not expect their argument to escalate to what it was right now. It only began with An poking a jab at Haruka, who was busy typing away on her laptop about a project that needed to be submitted on the same week as a prerequisite for her second year in college, to which the latter responded in a rather irritated manner, offending An.

It led to An accidentally bringing up the topic Haruka had a hard time opening up about, causing the former idol to violently react by standing up from where she was seated and pushing An with force, she stumbled backward.

“You don’t get to talk to me about her!” Haruka yelled out. “You don’t know anything about how I feel!!”

“You’re such a fucking coward, Haruka!” her friend sneered spitefully at her. “And I’m saying this to you now because I just know this is what Minori felt when you started pushing her away–”

An was met with force on her cheek as she stumbled backward, her back meeting with the wall behind her, causing her to snarl at the other girl whose first was tightly clenched right in front of her, Haruka’s scowl deepening the more she looked at An. An gritted her teeth tightly as she lunged at Haruka, grabbing a fistful of her hair as she pulled it tight, the latter groaning at the pain, the former idol’s glasses falling out of place from where they perched on her nose.

Haruka dug her nails as hard as she could into An’s arm that was pulling on her hair, her friend promptly letting go, clutching on her arm as she winced. Haruka used this as an opportunity to land another punch on An’s face. 

The raven-haired girl quickly recovered from the blow as she snarled loudly at her friend before landing a perfectly aimed punch to Haruka’s jaw, the former idol stumbling backward, eventually landing on the wooden floor, her fall creating a loud thud.

An’s rage immediately transformed into worry.

“Shit!” An quickly scrambled to where Haruka laid down, the latter’s eyes fluttering endlessly and lips half parted. An kneeled down and slowly grabbed hold of both Haruka’s arms as she lifted her up slowly to a sitting position. She quickly inspected the back of Haruka’s head and she could not stop the sigh of relief when she realized there was no blood coming out, only a nasty bump she could feel forming. “Shit, shit, shit!”

“Haruka!?” she brought her fingers in front of her half-conscious friend, snapping them. “Haruka! Haruka, speak to me! Damn it!”

She could hear Haruka’s breaths getting less ragged before she heard a quick inhale from her friend. An brought her hands on Haruka’s shoulder to steady her as she watched her friend slowly face her with a lazy smile on her face, an expression resembling a frown was somewhat present still on her face.

“Screw you, Shiraishi.”

An merely laughed at Haruka incredulously before throwing her arms around her, the tears she felt forming in her eyes freely streamed down her face. She felt the latter’s arms on her back, holding her tightly as she realized Haruka returned the gesture.

“I swear to God if we do that again,” laughed An, her voice muffled by Haruka’s shoulder.

“Yeah, let’s not do that again, please,” Haruka chuckled back softly. 

“I’m sorry, An.”

The concert does not start for another three hours yet here Haruka was, finding herself standing in front of the venue.

She does not remember how she got there, all she knew was that when she woke up, she went to her university to fix some of her unfinished projects, and instead of driving back home to rest, her subconscious brought her there, in front of the arena she was set to perform.

She does not even know if she still wants to go inside.

The envelope with the ticket was safely tucked in one of the pockets of her pants which she does not remember putting there.

She wondered if Airi and Shizuku were already let inside to watch the rehearsal. She wanted to message them, ask them where they were, but she figured that maybe she could do that after the concert finished.

As she looked everywhere, she saw her . Her posters were hung on the lampposts, the billboard near the entrance of the venue donned her winking face, and tarpaulins with pictures of her photoshoots were posted on different walls. She was everywhere, and Haruka can slowly feel her sense getting overwhelmed.

There were already a bunch of overly excited fans camping outside in a line. She saw most of them wearing happi coats with her name on the clothing, holding their self-made fans for them to wave when she sings, and one that captured her attention the most was the orange penlights held by the fans.

Haruka suddenly felt like an outsider. Everyone was wearing something and holding different types of props and all she brought with her was her satchel bag containing her science books.

She still had a chance to leave. Get inside the car, go back home, and binge-watch lazily written television shows with An for them to laugh together at. She could still turn her back on the venue, leave the loyal and screaming fans to do all the support, and she could get started on the new project her professor assigned her class to do. She could still run away and perhaps not have the chance to see her again but for Haruka, it was alright because she knew it would save them the emotional repercussions they would both suffer.

Haruka could still leave and never see her again and she could start by leaving now.

“Orange penlights! Get your orange penlights here for a low price only!”

A vendor walked past her. He was wearing her colors while carrying a basket full of trinkets fans could hold on to cheer for her performance later on. She felt like the universe was taunting her, tempting her but she made up her mind. 

“Ah, you there,” the vendor called out to her enthusiastically. “Are you going to watch Minori Hanasato’s concert?”

Haruka’s breath hitched in her throat as her hand flew to her face, straightening out her glasses, a habit she had developed as a sign of nervousness.

“I’m not sure,” she managed to answer. “I’m still thinking about it. But I probably won’t.”

“Ah, you must be one of those casual concertgoers then,” the vendor mused to himself. “Well, bad news, buddy, the tickets are already sold out. That girl’s fans are the most passionate people you will ever meet, I swear.”

“Like her,” Haruka whispered.

“What was that?”

“Nothing important,” Haruka shook her head as she gave the man a small smile. 

The vendor only shrugged his shoulders before he walked away from Haruka as he continued to sell his merchandise.

As she gathered all of her strength, she turned her back to the venue before she started walking in the direction of the parking lot.

Haruka made up her mind. 

She was ready to go home.

That was until some fans stormed up and blocked her way while they were conversing with each other.

“I’m so excited to see my favorite idol live! This is my first time seeing her! I’m ready for her to receive my feelings!”

Haruka blinked and sucked in a breath.

“Me too! Her smile brightens my day like no one else does. I’m so glad I’m her fan.”

Haruka tried to excuse herself, asking the fans to let her through but to no avail since their conversation was so lively. She does not want to hear any of this. Not because she wanted to go home but because she knew exactly how those fans felt.

And that made it incredibly harder for her to leave. 

But she needed to leave. She did not need this because she had already decided. She was ready to cut through the group of fans and as she was about to do that–

“Minori helped me so much. I could never thank her enough. It was only because of her that I was able to find hope to live happily and continue chasing my dream again.”

Something shifted within Haruka when she heard that fan say that. The fan looked not any older than twenty years old and the bags under her eyes were prominent but when that fan said her name, Haruka saw the widest and most genuine smile ever, the fan’s eyes glimmering with wonder and love.

Love.

To Haruka, that was the final nail in the coffin.

And somehow, someway, she found herself quickly running back to the venue, her breathing turning breathless, the weight brought by her satchel not slowing her down. She found the vendor she talked to earlier and rushed toward him.

“Oh, it’s you again,” the vendor exclaimed. “Managed to scrape up a ticket somewhere?”

Heaving a breath, she looked at him, a newfound determination.

“Do you have any more penlights?”

Haruka’s thumb hovered over the same number as it did countless times in the past, contemplating whether she should press the call button, knowing fully well that there is a high possibility no one will answer her.

Putting her burnt-out cigarette butt on the ashtray, she sat on the chair she put on the balcony.

It was snowing and the coldness added to the despondency that she thinks is permanently residing in her chest that not even the stings and burns of the cigarette she just finished would be enough to gather a hint of warmth that could thaw the frozen emptiness she feels inside.

To any regular person, it was probably really pathetic to be up at three in the morning while it was snowing, smoking four sticks of cigarette in a row just to pass the time but for Haruka, it was the only thing that made sense at that moment.

Putting her glasses on, she continued to stare at the call button, different unknown forces battling within her causing conflict about whether she should press it or not.

It seemed that the forces who did not want Haruka to call won as she released a sigh and exited the app. Even the thick coat she wore that shielded her from the cold could not stop the bleak coldness from washing over her.

Instead, she opened a search engine. 

She had never done this before because she thought it was stupid and unlike her – looking up the person she wanted to call earlier and to see what she was up to. If only An could see her now, she would have teased her relentlessly. Or feel sorry for her. Probably both.

The first thing that appeared was a video of her. Haruka’s breath caught in her throat when she saw the title.

“The Beginning of Minori Hanasato’s Idol Journey: Who was her inspiration?”

It was an interview with a famous talk show host. The interview was recently uploaded, only four months ago. She grew wary of what she would hear if she watched it. 

In the past, Minori never hesitated whenever she was asked that question. Haruka figured that was not the case anymore.

Another wave of melancholy washed over her.

Haruka was the person who gave Minori hope and as she looked back, she was also the only one who took it away.

She does not think Minori ever forgave her for that and she thinks Minori never will.

Haruka groaned to herself before she willed herself to press the video. The screen loaded for a moment and she mentally prepared herself.

The first thing she heard was the upbeat tune that served as the theme song of the show. The title screen transitioned and she felt her breath hitch when she saw Minori.

She was seated across from the host. Her hair was longer, the ends of it curled. Her cheekbones grew more prominent. The only thing that has not changed was her dazzling and hopeful smile.

“I know I have said this multiple times earlier but I cannot thank you enough for taking a break on your tour, Minori,” the host began jovially. “I know how busy of an idol you are.”

“No worries,” the brunette laughed gracefully, it was like music to Haruka’s ears. “I’m not one to decline such a request from you and from my fans.” Minori’s now slightly deeper and feathery but still comforting voice filled Haruka’s ears as a shiver ran down her spine. 

The audience cheered in the back.

Haruka was more than impressed. Minori was practically an expert now in MCing, the confidence oozing from her. She remembered years ago when Airi would continuously berate her and her unappealing answers, training the brunette how to perfectly answer every statement in the most idol-like way possible. She released a quiet laugh at the memory.

“This is actually the last part of this interview,” the host sighed dramatically as the audience booed in the background. “I know! I know! I’m going to miss her too.

“There’s always a next time,” she winked at the camera, not only creating an uproar behind the scene but also making Haruka blush against the cold wind hitting her face.

“You know, Minori,” the host began again. “I’ve always been curious why you’ve become an idol so I wanted to ask you – who was your inspiration or what drove you to become an idol?”

If it were a stranger, they never would have noticed the way Minori’s face slightly twitched at the question.

Haruka was not exactly a stranger.

“Well,” Minori put a finger on her chin as she thought of an answer. She let out a chuckle in which Haruka deduced was out of nervousness. “I haven’t looked back on this in a while.”

Haruka pursed her lips together as she waited for Minori’s answer.

“I used to be this really unlucky girl when I was younger. It always rained when I was the one representing our class in our relay race and some other things happened as well. I was barely in middle school when I,” Minori paused, it was barely heard but Haruka caught it. “I watched this idol on TV.”

“I fell in love with her instantly,” she said, a nostalgic hint present in her voice. 

Haruka forgot how to breathe.

“She gave me so much hope I don’t know what to do with,” she smiled. “I was rejected from different agencies more than I can count but that didn’t get me down. It was because of her that inspired me to become an idol that will continue to strive for a better tomorrow and to spread hope as much as she can.”

Haruka cannot believe it. With what happened in the past, she would not have thought Minori still thought of her that way.

“I want to get better every day,” she continued smiling. “Getting better, more and more, and it was because of her.”

More and more.

It has been a long time since she had heard that. The phrase still possessed the same warmth it did seven years ago.

“Because if someone as unlucky as me can give hope to many people just like her, then I would have gotten everything that I would have ever wanted.”

Haruka could not bear to finish the rest of the interview. She immediately exited the app and put down her phone on the table next to her. She hunched over and plopped her elbows on her knees as she put her hands over her face, groaning in frustration.

As the snow continued to fall and the wind blew harder, Haruka wondered if the breeze would feel less cold if she just pressed call.

Haruka had two prevailing thoughts when she entered the arena. The first one was An was right, the venue was so packed. She was so sure every seat was taken. 

And the second and more alarming one was that the seat number written on the ticket Airi gave her was located on the third row from the stage and with Haruka’s experience as an idol, she can guarantee that she can see the faces very clearly from that row. 

Haruka had half a mind to leave immediately but…

“Minori helped me so much. I could never thank her enough. It was only because of her that I was able to find hope to live happily and continue chasing my dream again.”

She shook her head as she heaved an inhale, walking with the excited fans surrounding her until she found her seat. Haruka cannot see Airi and Shizuku from where she was seated because of the people that were flooding the arena but she was sure they were just around the VIP area.

The concert will officially begin in less than five minutes and Haruka wondered whether seeing her so close, closer than she had been in seven years, could somehow bring her a sense of resolution.

She was grasping at the small amount of hope that she had that it would. 

Nerves suddenly filled her when the lights around them and on the stage fazed off, the ear-splitting screams of the fans overtaking her senses when they came to realize that the show would start any moment now.

That she would come out.

And Haruka will watch her perform for the first time in six years.

Haruka should have prepared for this. Clutching the orange penlight in one hand, she reassured herself. The brunette would not see her amongst the crowd and even if she did, it was not like she would recognize her.

As the lights above closed fully, the luminous penlights the fans held started opening, one after the other, and in the sea of glittering orange, Haruka could only hope she would never see her.

“ Good evening, Tokyo!”

The screams grew louder and Haruka found herself mesmerized as the spotlights on the lilt of the stage raced to shine their light on her .

She instantly remembered their first performance as MORE MORE JUMP! – how much fun they had on that day, how she held on tight to Haruka afterward when the performance was a resounding success. Up until now, even though she has changed for what she does not know if it is better or worse, what Haruka felt towards the idol has remained what it was seven years ago, even if it was painstakingly hard to admit.

Care.

Admiration.

Perhaps even attraction. A lot of it, in fact, but she never really had the courage to tell her completely.

And happiness.

As cheers of the fans reverberated throughout the entire arena, everything outside her line of sight was blurry but not because of the fog that was forming on her glasses but because of the way she was fixated on the idol on the stage, whose smile shone brighter than any star in the sky, rendering everything else around her silent.

“Thank you for coming tonight, everybody!”

Haruka cannot even pay any irritation to the excited fans jumping beside her. She was too transfixed on the person on the stage. She was wearing a short, frilly, white dress whose length stretched down just a few inches below her knees. It was embroidered with different black and brown ornaments, a lily flower was attached at her waist, matching the ones tied to her hair, and the arm sleeves were tasseled with silver embellishments tied princely at her wrists. 

“I can’t believe this is my second time performing in this arena,” she chuckled to herself, the fans’ cheers growing louder. “It is only because of all of you that I’m here.”

“Everybody, welcome to Minori Hanasato’s HopeFull Tour!”

Then the music began. The backup dancers suddenly appeared beside her as they all moved to the upbeat song in a polished choreography.

HopeFull.

Haruka internally chuckled. 

It was a very Minori thing to do after all.

Her train of thought was cut when she heard Minori sing. 

Haruka stared at Minori with wide eyes and half-parted lips as she listened to the idol sing. Her voice was euphonic. It was more than pleasing and sweet, a tint of maturity within it, signifying her singing voice’s growth throughout the years, and if she was not careful, Haruka could spend thousands of lifetimes listening to it.

On the monitor screens next to the stage, she saw the idol throwing a wink to the audience, sending the fans through a flurry of cheers and applause, and Haruka could not help but get flustered at the gesture as well.

To not look out of place, Haruka started waving her penlight in unison with the fans from her own row. It was not as lively as the rest of the people in her line but she figured it was enough to blend in.

It was only the second song when a soft, melodious tune overtook the sound systems causing the fans’ cheers to die down as they slowly waved their penlights to the tune, Haruka following suit.

Haruka concluded that Minori was about to sing a ballad.

A ballad was not usually the go-to genre idols sing but Haruka knew how Minori can go lengths into making any song into one that fits her.

And she was right.

The peaceful clarity present in the brunette’s voice brought about a sense of calmness within Haruka, feeling the corners of her lips twitch upwards while taking in the lukewarm lyrics Minori was singing.

This warmth Haruka felt was so foreign, so unfamiliar when in reality, it was just the same flurry of emotions that surrounded her when she was with Minori years ago. And perhaps, Airi and An were right.

Going to the concert must have been the correct decision.

Minori looked over to the fans sitting on the further end of the arena and waved at them, causing an uproar on that side of the venue. She continued to do that, while singing the mellow song, with all of the fans sitting in the different parts of the venue as if she was giving her fans her feelings, something Airi had trained her to do years ago in their boot camp on the beach.

Minori always wanted to give her feelings to everyone, even the people from the furthest end of the arena. She wanted them to reach them and touch their hearts, something Haruka knew all too well.

Minori’s line of sight reached the people in front of the stage.

Where Haruka was sitting.

But Haruka.

Haruka could not find herself caring at all. 

All that mattered at that moment was she was too mesmerized by the sublime and charming idol who had grown so much since the last time she had seen her. The colorful lights of the stage cascaded towards the audience and the cheers from the fans never seemed to cease, the same way her gaze was fixated on the idol. Despite the sweat and uncertainty brought by the excitement, lavender and lilies hung in the air, scents that always seemed to accompany Minori wherever she went and Haruka was transfixed.

She cannot stop looking at her.

That was until Minori stopped momentarily, catching herself instantly before she continued singing. It was barely noticeable but she caught the sudden change in the idol's pitch. It was quieter but there was also something else there, something Haruka cannot properly pinpoint.

It was only then Haruka realized Minori was looking at her.

Not looking at the fans next to her, not to the ones behind her, not the ones close to her.

But her.

Only her.

It felt like time suddenly slowed down and Haruka’s breath caught in her chest, unable to move from her position, the idol’s gaze locking her in place. Haruka can feel Minori’s eyes pierce through her, an unreadable expression present on her face as she continues to sing.

And Haruka suddenly felt like she was the only audience in the arena.

Haruka had a plan for this. When Minori sees her, she walks away and goes back home to the apartment because she could not bear the thought of what the idol would say and think once she sees Haruka. But with the way Minori was staring into her eyes – despite their distance, despite the stage, the fans, and the lights separating them apart – she can feel the idol seeing right through her.

And Minori was telling her not to go.

To not push Haruka away from her.

So Haruka stayed.

She brought up her penlight using one hand and waved at Minori, hoping the idol would catch her smile in the crowd, hoping that she was sending the right message, the right feelings to the dazzling idol on the stage.

Hoping she told her that she will stay.

And Minori received it.

She smiled right back at her, Haruka’s chest contracting tightly at the sight, before she finished her song, never letting Haruka’s gaze go.

The song ended, the spotlights shone on the idol once again, and the cheers and applause were deafening but Minori was still looking at her and Haruka cannot seem to look away either, their gazes interlocked together, a trance neither wanted to stop. 

Not a few seconds later, Haruka saw Minori shake her head as she turned away, looking back at the fans, her voice returning back to her normal pitch. The former idol cannot help but notice the relief that was present in Minori’s voice.

Haruka only had one thought prevailing while the idol was currently MCing.

She was going to murder An for telling her Minori would not recognize her.

Haruka had a convocation of things that she does not know what possessed her to do them and seemingly, one of them was currently sitting on a bench outside the concert venue even after the event ended.

The concert finished more than an hour ago but she was still sitting there. It was almost 1 AM and she still does not plan to go back to her apartment any time soon. An was constantly bothering her by messaging endlessly, asking Haruka different questions like what time she would come home, if she would bring any food home, did she enjoy herself in the concert, and the more repetitive one was if she was okay. Haruka appreciated the concern but reassured An that she was fine. However, she left out the part where Minori recognized her from the stage.

Playing with the orange penlight in her hand, turning it on and off, her mind wandered back to the concert earlier – how Minori’s glances lingered longer on hers than the thousands of fans that came to see her, the same fans who probably know more about Minori than her. She remembered the speculative yet gentle gazes Minori threw at her, the smile that never seemed to relent whenever Haruka smiled back at her, and the most memorable one was when Minori sent her a wink and flying kiss in the middle of one of her songs, that Haruka did not believe actually happened.

Haruka felt her cheeks heat up at the memory, her heartstrings being tugged gently whenever Minori looked at her. 

From thereon, Haruka did not know what to do next which was essentially why she was still sitting in front of the venue. It was almost empty, there was barely anyone surrounding the place, a couple of security guards here and there, and the exciting fans had long gone home whereas there were still some cars driving on the road from across the venue. From afar, she could see her car parked, accompanied by a few more cars. Haruka could only be proud of herself for availing of a car with hard-to-break windows.

Haruka sighed as she straightened her glasses before reclining on the wooden bench. Her hand flew to her face as she palmed her forehead.

An and Airi talked about resolution regarding her feelings the other day. Did she actually feel it? Did she actually achieve the sense of relief her friends were telling her she would get once she confronted Minori?

Haruka did not know.

Perhaps it was not enough to watch Minori perform. Perhaps she needed to go walk more lengths and climb more heights to get even an ounce of the resolution she was looking for.

Haruka’s gravest mistake in her life was pushing away the person who restored her hope. Even though she thought she was being selfless, she forced Minori away.

Watching her perform was not going to remove the disdain she has for herself for driving Minori away from her because it was her fault.

Haruka wished she brought a pack of cigarettes and her lighter because she could not bear to think any of this without the nicotine clouding her mind.

Bringing the penlight up to her face, she lit it open, everything within her peripheral vision dissipating as the light of the orange penlight was the only thing she was focusing on.

The scenery she loved in the past, the blue penlights that waved in unison whenever she performed on stage resembled the ocean’s waves crashing to the shore. Whenever she performed, she was giving it her all, and in return, she sees the blue penlights lighting up as a sign of the love and support her fans were giving her. And because of that, she wanted to pay them back and do more.

The memory was etched in the back of her mind and she rarely reminisces about it but it provided a nostalgic feeling.

Haruka wondered what she could have felt if she saw Minori in the crowd in her past concerts, holding her own blue penlight, cheering for her, the way she did with Minori earlier.

Maybe it would have saved them both the pain and regret if she just looked harder in the crowd before and spotted Minori.

Minori’s orange penlights were different from Haruka’s blue ones. It was bright and warm, as opposed to her own cool and lustrous hue but provided the same amount of hope, probably even more than her own.

Sitting straight up once more, she looked at the orange penlight in her hand, its light was the only thing illuminating the area as the lamps started turning off, one by one. It was like a star was in her hands, Minori’s star.

She smiled at it.

“It’s dangerous to be alone at this time of night, you know.”

That voice.

Her world suddenly stopped spinning. Her lungs were suddenly caught in her throat and she was sure she was going to pass out any minute now because she forgot to breathe. Her eyes were wide and everything went silent to the point that she can only hear her heartbeat. The scent of lilies hung in the air, the familiar fragrance hugging her nose once again after six long, long years.

Haruka scrambled to sit straight up, causing the penlight in her hand to fall to the ground as she looked at the person in front of her who was wearing a long coat, which Haruka deduced was made out of expensive fabric.

“Hi, Haruka-chan.”

“Minori,” Haruka breathed out instead, feeling as if the oxygen in her lungs was not enough to sustain her any longer. “What are you doing out here?”

The brunette merely giggled at her. “I could ask you the same question.”

Minori bent down and picked up the penlight Haruka dropped, handing the item over to the former idol. Haruka stared at her, mouth hung open, unable to find the right words as she accepted the penlight, her fingers brushing over Minori’s when she received it.

“Mind if I sit next to you?”

Haruka could only shake her head silently, watching quietly as Minori occupied the empty space next to her.

Haruka and Minori were sitting on both ends of the bench, establishing a safe distance to avoid discomfort. Somehow, Haruka yearned to be closer to the idol, as told by her stolen glances Minori did not catch.

The both of them just quietly stared at the distance – the only sight in front of them. Despite how tense Haruka was, the silence was not uncomfortable or awkward, instead, it was surprisingly calming. Haruka was not sure what to say next. She did not expect Minori to find her in the middle of the night, sitting on a bench alone in front of the venue where she did her concert yet here she is.

Haruka only wondered what Minori had to say to get out of the arena without her security or bodyguard trailing behind her.

“I liked what you did with your hair,” Minori was the first one to break the silence, causing Haruka to instantly face the idol next to her, who was looking at her with a small smile. “I don’t know, it looks more like you. And your glasses are really nice too.”

“Airi and Shizuku thought the same,” she managed to reply, a hand flying to her head as she touched her hair. “Airi said I looked like a high school boy,” Haruka chuckled silently.

“Yeah, she’s right,” Minori laughed with her before releasing a sigh. “You look cute.”

Haruka thanked whoever was up there that it was dark or else Minori would see the flush overtaking her face.

“Shizuku-chan and Airi-chan are really getting married, huh,” Minori mused to herself. “Time flies so fast. It feels like it was only yesterday we caught them holding hands while walking on the beach and they thought they were alone.”

Haruka released a light laugh at the memory as she cast her gaze down, clutching the penlight in her hand.

“Time is so funny like that,” whispered Haruka. “Next thing you know I’m in my third year of college and you’re an international icon. I mean, mine cannot obviously compare to yours but still, you can’t help but hope time would slow down a bit.”

She heard Minori giggle lightly and she released another laugh on her own.

Silence surrounded them again, their breathing was the only thing that can be heard, accompanied by the sounds of the zooming cars near the street, but this time, Haruka felt tension brewing and she did not know how to acknowledge that.  It was only a matter of time.

“Haruka-chan, what were you doing there earlier?”

Haruka heard a pin drop at the question.

She looked back up to Minori, the latter staring at her with an unreadable expression in her eyes. Haruka does not know if she should answer the question but she owes Minori the truth. It was the only thing she can do after everything that has happened.

So with a deep breath, she willed herself to be honest not only with Minori but also with herself.

“I wanted to see you,” Haruka finally answered after a few seconds as she bit her lower lip before releasing it, catching the way the brunette sucked in a breath at her reply. “And because…” Haruka paused before letting out a somewhat begrudging chuckle.

“I missed you.”

Haruka thought she was pathetic for saying it out loud knowing fully well it was all her own doing. She saw how Minori’s lips parted at her answer, surprise perfectly etched on her face. Haruka expected the latter to stand up and walk away from her, to never see or interact with her ever again because the only thing running through Haruka’s mind was Minori thinking why it took Haruka so long to admit it and see her. 

Except that was not what happened.

“I missed you too, Haruka-chan,” whispered Minori, looking away from Haruka. “I have wanted to see you for so long but I got busier and busier as time passed and I just couldn’t.”

“Hey,” Haruka called out to her, the latter looking back at her instantly. “It wasn’t your fault. You have priorities and…” she paused as she sucked in a breath. “I was not exactly making an effort to connect with you as well, the same thing I did with Shizuku and Airi.”

The last sentence bordered on as a whisper.

Haruka could not take the constricting in her chest anymore. The amalgamation of all the regret she felt each passing day since that fateful day six years ago started overflowing within her and she could feel every ounce revealing itself to the person in front of her, the girl who she had hurt so much. Minori was looking at her with doleful eyes, expecting something else to come out of Haruka’s mouth, and to Haruka, she can finally say it.

Finally say the things she should have said years ago.

Maybe this was finally the resolution she was looking for.

“Minori, I’m so sorry,” Haruka’s voice cracked, the tears she did not know were forming on the corners of her eyes started streaming down her cheeks and she could only hope that the glow of the moonlight did not shine on them.

“Haruka-chan–”

“I’m so sorry for not chasing after you when you left us on the roof,” cried Haruka as she clutched the orange penlight tightly, avoiding Minori’s gaze. “I’m so sorry for letting you down when I told you I was the one who thought MORE MORE JUMP! is better off gone. I’m sorry for not calling you or even attempting to contact you because I knew in my heart you still hate me.”

“I’m so sorry for the things I said that day. I thought I was looking out for you and your career as an idol by telling you to join those performances when in reality, I was just pushing you away from us, and in turn, I hurt you so much.”

“I am so sorry, Minori,” Haruka’s voice trembled, still unable to look Minori in the eyes as she stared in her lap. “I don’t know if you would ever forgive me but I promise that if–”

Haruka was cut off when she stumbled back, her back hitting the armrest of the bench because of the force that suddenly met with her.

She craned her neck down and her tear-stained eyes widened when she realized that the brunette leaned over, her face was buried on Haruka’s shoulder – the brunette’s arms were clutching to her back, hugging her tightly. Haruka felt the sleeve of her shirt get wet from what she could deduce were the tears of Minori.

Ah, I made her cry again…

“Haruka-chan,” said Minori, her voice muffled but Haruka perfectly heard the quiver in it. Haruka felt Minori clutching her tighter. 

“I already forgave you a long time ago.”

Haruka’s eyes closed themselves tight shut as her arms flung themselves onto Minori’s back, hugging her back and bringing her closer to her as much as she could.

They stayed in that position for a while and Haruka could only hope she could hold Minori like this for lifetimes, to make up for the lost time. The warmth the idol emits was still there and must be even stronger now, comforting her endlessly like it did in the past. She heard Minori sniffle before letting out a ragged laugh and she could only smile to herself.

Minori pulled back after God knows how long and stared at Haruka’s equally tear-stained face. Haruka removed her glasses and she wiped her tears with the back of her hands before putting them back on her face again, smiling at the brunette looking back at her.

Haruka felt like she still has a chance, her hope continuing to grow the more she looked at Minori.

Minori’s tears glimmered under the moonlight and Haruka could not help but reach out and wipe them with her thumb, the brunette shyly facing away while Haruka did so.

After a few moments, they returned to their original positions from earlier, the only difference was there is little to no distance between them. As they sat silently, Minori’s breathing, accompanied by the few cars zooming in the background and the quiet flickers of the lampposts, was the only sound comforting Haruka in the rather silent night.

“I won’t see you for a while, huh,” Haruka was the one who broke the silence this time. “You’re going to leave the country soon, right?”

“Yeah,” Minori chuckled sadly. “Tokyo is my last stop for the national tour. We’re set to leave tomorrow.”

“When will you be back?” Haruka asked, a hint of hope in her voice.

“Following the timetable my tour manager came up, hopefully, in three to four months.”

Haruka felt her heart contract within her chest when she realized it would be a while before she sees Minori again, or if Minori would still want to see her at all. 

She was slowly losing hope.

“I see,” Haruka said sadly. “Good luck on the rest of your tour.”

Haruka feared the night would end in melancholy. Their reunion was bittersweet but Haruka knew it had to end. She figured that it was meant to end like that anyway.

She just did not want it to.

“Haruka-chan,” Minori suddenly spoke up, her voice somewhat hopeful, the same amount of hope Haruka had in her voice earlier.

“Minori?”

“Can you promise me something?”

Anything.

“Of course,” Haruka said instead, determined not to let the brunette down.

Minori then faced her with a hopeful smile on her face, that same hopeful smile when Minori brought her back to the stage years before, just for her to witness the scenery she was in love with.

“Can you promise to meet me here when I come back?”

Haruka does not believe in fate at all but perhaps the night fated them to meet each other, on this specific day and at this specific hour, where the moon was at its brightest just so they could see each other again soon.

Either way, Haruka could not bother to think about the specifics of it all.

Haruka had a lot of major regrets in her life but she was going to make sure that this was not one of them.

“I promise.”

And just as Haruka thought and has always thought, Minori’s smile was better than any scenery she saw or will ever see.

And her heart soared when she realized she would see it again with no more regrets.