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It must be getting late... I'm still not acclimated to local time, but the hospital has it's own rhythms. I've seen it from both sides of the bed now, and it's not easy to adjust to it either way. But it's a moonless night and the ruined city beyond Shepard's bed is dark enough to catch a glimpse of stars.
Inside, there are fewer people filing into the room to adjust all of the tubes and wires and machines that are keeping him alive. They'd be here in seconds if one of the monitors alarmed, but right now it's quiet... as quiet as it can be with the whoosh of a breathing machine and all the pumps.
He is so still. I hope wherever he is, it's dreamless. I held him in the aftermath of too many nightmares in the short time we had to share our nights.
I just finished writing a letter to my mom, telling her the Normandy is back, I'm safe... and most importantly to me, Shepard is alive. And that we're together. It felt good to write it. But it made me want to write something else, tonight when every raw emotion is just below the surface, when I can't sleep because of the feelings.
Before I pick up the tablet again, I reach for his hand... the mostly undamaged one... and lean over to kiss his fingertips, whispering love into his palm.
Releasing his hand, I exhale a long breath. So here goes.
To my younger self at Horizon,
Hmm... should I be blunt and just tell him/me to grow the fuck up? He/I'd probably just blow it off. The self-righteousness was strong with that one then. Okay, try another approach.
Kaidan, you might not want to hear any advice from your older self, but please... just hear me out.
I understand how you feel about what went down today with Shepard. I was there once, you know. I remember all too vividly the mass of conflicting feelings that hit you when you saw him again for the first time in over two years... alive, strong and beautiful... and with Cerberus. I know how everything you ever felt for him – everything you thought you'd finally gotten past in trying to reclaim your life after his death – how it all came rushing back. It was overwhelming. Your first impulse – to embrace him – was the best, even though it was the only thing you couldn't do. You responded from the love you felt for him, a love he never even knew the extent of. Because you'd never found the nerve, or the right moment, to tell him.
Those buried feelings haunted you for two years along with the guilt of surviving him. Now he's there, a slap in the face to your mourning. You couldn't say that... but you could use Cerberus as a shield, battering him with it without giving him any chance to explain anything. Maybe he could have, maybe not, not to your satisfaction anyway. But you/I didn't try.
Yes, he should have tried to contact you. But cut him a little slack – he'd been dead. Maybe he's a little overwhelmed by it all too, suddenly having a second chance. And your allegiance to the Alliance is important and understandable. But it became more than just integrity, becoming part of the shield, part of your defense system.
Stop to think, just for a moment, that one thing you admired and loved about Shepard was his integrity, his dedication to saving us all from a threat too many were willing to ignore. Cerberus offered him a tool and he would use it, even if he didn't like who he had to thank for it. That's classic Shepard. He knew he'd have to pay a price for it... a court martial, incarceration... who knew what punishment awaited. But he did the job and turned himself in afterward, willing to face it because he believed the job was that important.
The breach between you lasted far too long. If I could tell you anything from where I sit right now, please try. Reach out to him. He's hurting as much as you are, but how he feels about you isn't going to change. He doesn't call it love, not yet. But it's the deep roots of something that grows into love. And if you do nothing, it's going to take a close call with your own death to wake you both up to what needs to be mended between you.
And you'll both want to forgive and bury all of it, to restore the bond between you as friends... as more than friends. In short, you'll have grown up some. Don't wait to see the regrets of your life flash before your eyes as you lie there near death... as he gathers your limp body into his arms and carries you to safety. As he keeps vigil over your hospital bed, as I'm doing by his now. As he realizes what you mean to him.
Just... just go to him. Make it right. Agree to disagree if you must, but for god's sake talk to the man.
That's all. If you're still reading, maybe there's a chance. Take it, please. He's worth it. If it gives you even a few extra days with him, it's worth every moment of it.
Kaidan, older and maybe wiser
I lock the file and put the tablet aside. Maybe it helped, pulling all those thoughts into words. And I realize something. I asked Shepard's forgiveness for what I did when I was the patient in that other hospital. I accepted it and in return, I forgave his part in the breach.
What I never really did was forgive myself. Maybe it's time, past time. With a full heart, I take his hand again and whisper into the darkness.
"I love you."
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