Chapter Text
Believe it or not, Kim was grateful for his family.
Grateful for Khun, who always held him while he cried after their mom’s death, who even terrified of going out, still went with him to the concert he wanted to because nobody else would and had to leave minutes later to have a panic attack in the bathroom but still came back for him after. His brother who watches series to escape his own life and head, having to be constantly stimulated so his brain wouldn’t think too loudly for him to hear. His bigger brother.
Grateful for Kinn, who taught him how to play the guitar and the piano, because music was the only thing their mother left for them, who every time he comes back from a mission is the first one to reach for him and hold him. His other brother who had to step up as the heir of the family, still too young, after Khun’s kidnaping, but did an amazing job so it wouldn’t fall on Kim’s shoulders to do it. Having to bury all the emotions he was so full of it, so his father wouldn’t call him weak and choose Kim. His big brother.
Grateful for his mother, who even for a short while, loved all of them so much and who didn’t deserve die the way she did. Who left for him the thing he loves the most besides his brothers, his music.
And grateful for his dad, who at least gave him his brothers and many traumas to write as songs.
So yeah, he was grateful. But everything was too much for him. Dad was making his do more and more missions, Kinn was too busy to talk to and Tankhun was in a crisis where he didn’t want to see anyone for some days now.
It been many months feeling like this, but it started small. At first, he started having little to no energy to do the things he liked. Now, he spends all the time he wasn’t called on the bed or the bathroom, only eating and drinking what the bodyguards give him. Some days, when he could make it to the bathroom past the toilet, he takes a shower, but those were getting rare. Before he knew, his room was a mess. He doesn’t allow anyone to come and clean, too ashamed of his state.
When they could, his brother would come and lay down with him, talking about their day. These were his favorites days, where he could manage to take a shower and brush his teeth without feeling like it’s too much. They never said anything about the room, or his appearance, but sometimes they would talk while cleaning a little, and it helped.
He clings to these little moments of happiness, because after all the numbness he fells all the time, they are especial.
But it has being some weeks now that he doesn’t see them, and all he can feel is his body numb to everything. He can’t pick up the guitar, who’s laying around somewhere in the room, and play music. He can’t make his own body move to do it, his mind always saying that later, but it never comes.
Now, the feeling of his dirt bloody clothes on his body is the only thing keeping him inside his body, grounding him. For sure if he was naked, he would drown in this numbness and never come back; getting out of it seems too painful for him.
There also the cold feeling of the gun on his hands, no longer feeling his finger. As a kid growing up in the mafia, he always thought he would die because of a gun, in the middle of a crossfire. He never though he would be the one pulling the trigger.
Dad asked again for another kill. Kim doesn’t think his father sees him as a son anymore, a weapon maybe, but not a son. And he wanted to stop with all this, but killing is the only things that doesn’t feel numb, where he can feel something more than that. His father knows this, but pretend not to. Kinn and Khun also notice but can’t help. If Kim doesn’t go, Khun will have to. That’s what his father had said when he tried to leave the house for the first time, and the many times Kim refused to do anything. Even if Kinn is taking his place, Korn still the one pulling all the strings. Neither one of them are safe.
He sighs seeing the view from where he is, all the darks streets and stars. It’s really late at night, no one on the streets, the cold blowing on his clothes making goosebumps spread for his whole body.
It’s the first time he goes out on his own in a very long time, no need for a bodyguard this time. He chose this specific place because of this view he had of the music theater. Beautiful building, the last one he went with his mother and the one she loved the most.
The lights were out, just the huge outdoor of the name on the front. “Magic of music”. His dream once was to play there, with his mother in the audience together with his brothers. Playing the piano or guitar, alone or with a special someone, he just wanted to play something.
Maybe he could try in another life.
Now the gun felt heavy on his hands, finger on the trigger ready to shoot. Moving slowly, a cold feeling on his chin. Thinking.
The heart would be a better place. He was always following his brains, perhaps now it’s the time to finally use his heart.
Letting his hands going down, the cold feeling disappearing, now just a weight close to his heart. Eyes closing, enjoying his head being finally silent for once, feeling all the nerves on his body shiver with cold.
Body being sensitive to cold, a warn sensations got a surprise gasp. The warm just moved a little, first on his hand, then arms, and stayed on his legs.
Opening his eyes, looking for the sensation, a ball of fluffy orange fur. A low purr could be heard from the little ball, the head being supported by his leg.
Putting the gun down to the side, one hand carefully tried petting the cat, being well received, and appreciated by the animal rubbing itself on him.
His cheeks burned when he let out a smile, the cuts around his face throbbing. But it feels good. Finger going for the head, then the tummy, moving around the cute body of the cat, who seems to enjoy a little too much.
“You never heard of stranger danger?” he asked, laughing when the cat purr got louder. Liking the response, Kim started to sing a song, not much, just humming an old song his mom used to sing for him to sleep.
The cat moved a little and settled on his leg, the tale along his body.
They stayed like that for a while, maybe hours, and soon the sun started to show up. Trying not to wake up the cat, he looked for his phone. Seeing a lot of messages from his brothers, he tries to first call Tankhun, who he knows is watching series at this time.
It rings the first time.
And the second.
On the third.
“KIM.” The loud voice rang through the phone. “Where are you? You always answer my messages…”
He could feel the pout on his brother tone, even with the concern. “Sorry, I was just distracted”
“Sleeping?”
“Petting a cat actually.” Kim smiled. “You know the rule, if it sits on you, you can’t leave”
“That’s truth, but it’s difficult seeing you petting a cat, even if you look like one most of the time”. Tankhun snorted. “I want you back home, there’s this movie I want to see with you, and we can have a sleep over”
“You sure? You normally don’t like anyone near with you when you…” he trailed off, not wanting to put a label on his brother feelings.
“Yes, it’s fineee.” The voice now was softer. “I’m better… And I miss you. Come back for me, yeah? And leave the gun”
And then hung up.
Of course, Tankhun would know. Kim always felt like his brother knew everything, he had crazy observations skill. And Khun knew to wait until he called.
The cat started to stir and got up, making a big stretch before coming back to rub on him more. All orange fur with white stripes, eyes orange with a rosy nose.
This cat deserved more than seeing someone dying. So, leaving the gun in a save place, he got up, patted the cat’s head some more and walked home.
Maybe he could try coming back some day again, and see if the cat still there.