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Clint received his mark when he was in Kindergarten. There was no age requirement for when someone’s name would appear on their soulmates, but around 80% of the population developed their marks before the age of twenty five, and they always appeared before the soulmates met each other. However, 1-2% of the population never developed marks — they were the soulless, the unbonded, and Clint would have done everything to be one.
His mark lasted two weeks before his older brother, Barney, caught a glimpse of it as Clint got dressed into his pyjamas. Their Father, who lived off of drink, drugs and hurting others, wasn’t their Mother’s soulmate, and reminded her daily, until he died (and even then, his voice never left his Mother’s ears). Cold and cruel, and extremely homophobic, it wasn’t safe for Clint to have a boy’s name on his skin. Barney knew this, and despite the fact that he was the type of older brother, who would have loved to disown Clint there and then, his inconvenience was one of the few moments that Barney showed Clint he cared about him.
”If anyone finds out that you’re a fag, they’ll kill you.” Barney told him in a hushed tone. Breaking out of his original shock, he let go of his grip on Clint’s shirt, and sat up on his brother’s bed.
“I don’t want this, I swear, p-please don’t tell Dad.” Clint sniffled, moving away from Barney’s reach and preparing for pain. “I-I l-like girls, not boys, it has to be a mistake. I-it must be platonic, right? O-or they got it wrong this time?” Clint questioned aloud, more to reassure himself than to quieten Barney. He grew up hating the word ‘soulmate’, loathing the idea that you could be trapped for eternity with someone, and instead of leaving Clint in peace, the universe decided to punish him by tattooing not only a name on his skin, but one that belonged to another boy? It was infuriating!
“If you don’t want it and it’s not safe for you to have it, then we should get rid of it now.” Barney replied. “By the time you’re over twenty, you won’t have to worry about Dad anymore, and you can pretend to be unbonded. It’s better to be unloveable than to be loved by another guy.”
Clint eyed his brother, cautiously. He knew Barney’s ‘I’ve-got-a-plan-but-it’s-a-bad-idea’ face, and although Clint had learnt not to trust it, he couldn’t think of another option. Clint had no choice, but to oblige to whatever Barney was planning. “What do I have to do?”
…
Whilst using cigarette matches to burn his brother’s skin off, Barney managed to set his covers alight and the flames consumed their house whole. Clint spent a week in hospital, but his leg was saved, and despite their burns, all four Barton’s survived. However, after their Mother’s and Barney’s statements, their Father was charged for abuse and child neglect. Stealing a Cop’s car, drunk and adrenalised, he crashed into a tree and killed himself before anyone had the chance to put him behind bars. Instead, it was their Mother, who was arrested years later, proven guilty for multiple thefts, and the Barton’s were put into care. If Barney remembered Clint’s name in the circus, he never told anyone, and after the accident, he couldn’t remember, either.
Clint was finally happy. He would never be unbonded, but no one could prove otherwise and that was enough for him. His soulmate status was his little secret, and no one had to know.
…
Phil couldn’t believe his luck when his assignment was to recruit his soulmate. However, their first meeting made Phil die inside when his soulmate was unfazed by the sound of his name, and ignored their bond completely. Despite the sour taste in his mouth, Phil remained professional. After all, he would have all the time in the world to convince Clint to give love a try if he was in SHIELD, and when he completed his mission, Phil made sure that he would be Clint’s handler. It was only when Phil reopened his file to find Clint’s soulmate status had been changed from ‘Unknown’ to ‘Unmarked/Unbonded’ that Phil began to lose hope.
It wasn’t uncommon to be unmarked at Clint’s age, but soulmates were always marked when they met, so if Clint didn’t have Phil’s name, he would never have it. It wasn’t unheard of to be soulless, but Phil had never heard of a one-sided bond. Who was cruel enough to make a person fall in love with someone, who would never love them back? The universe was playing a sick joke on him, punishing him for goddess knows what, and Phil hated it. He’d grown up a hopeless romantic, waiting for the day he could meet his soulmate, so that they could fall in love, settle down and one day start a family together just for his dreams to never come true? What was the point of soulmates if you weren’t your soulmate’s soulmate? It didn’t make sense!
Regardless of Clint’s status, Phil found himself falling in love with him, anyway. Clint was loyal yet gentle, defiant yet loyal, selfless, caring, kind, funny, brave, true ; perfect in every way. Phil was entranced by his every word or movement, addicted to his attention and driven by bitter jealously when without it.
Not wanting to ruin their friendship, Phil swore himself to silence. The last thing he wanted to do was force Clint to love him. Phil valued honesty and consent, so the last thing he wanted to do was make Clint think he had to give up his freedom for his sake ; especially when the other man loved being unbonded and was always critiquing the idea of soulmates. Therefore, Phil told himself that he could be happy with a platonic bond as long as Clint was happy, and continued to love him from afar.
…
Clint was Phil’s poison and he was killing him.
…
Every time Phil tried to pull away, he gravitated towards Clint again. His only emotion became unrequited love and when he wasn’t lovesick, he was lifeless and numb. Cursed to never have a happy ending, Phil felt himself going into a mindless state of auto pilot, shutting off from the world and diving into his work. He’d always been a workaholic, but by the time it became an obsession, Phil couldn’t get out. Feeling lost with no purpose or future, Phil misplaced his will to live, and found it hard to wake up every morning.
Phil had never been a heavy drinker, but now he never passed another agent without them smelling the alcohol on his clothes and on his lips. Nick and Maria, the only people, who knew about his soulmate issues, begged him to get help and kept giving him ‘medical leave’, but Phil didn’t feel worthy of it. Sometimes, he wondered why they kept him around and if they would care if he died. After all, he was a boring, forgettable, unloveable man, who even his own soulmate didn’t want.
If he received more injuries on assignments and cut himself, it was his business and his business alone.
…
His head pouring with sweat and blood, Phil was sobbing and delusional when he called Clint. Empty bottles littered the tiled bathroom floor, and although Phil had debated the idea of overdosing on his sleeping pills, he was too under the influence of alcohol to reach them from the high cupboard.
“Hey Phil, is everything okay? Please don’t tell me we’re going on another last minute mission.” Clint begged, his voice, despite distorted by the phone line, a sense of comfort.
“No assignments.” Phil confirmed, keeping himself together, until he cried “I wish I was unbonded like you!” Phil knew that he would’ve fallen in love with Clint, regardless of his mark, so if he’d been unbonded too, he could’ve had a chance with ‘Mister Soulmate Hater’.
“Oh Phil, what happened?” Clint gasped. “Is your soulmate the reason why you’ve changed? Are they hurting you?” He panicked with sadness and worry consuming his voice.
“No, y-h-he would never! M-my-my soulmate wouldn’t h-hurt m-me on p-pur-purpose.” Phil stumbled. “It-it’s m-my fault! I’m the-the-the broken one! It’s n-not h-his fault I’m unloveable.” Phil argued, the tears continuing to outpour from his red and blotchy eyes.
“Don’t say that!” Clint exclaimed. “That’s not true Phil, and whoever told you or made you think this is an asshole!” He protested with so much venom that Phil knew it would kill him if he knew the truth. Clint was good, kind and true - he’d blame himself for what was happening. Yes, he didn’t own Phil’s mark, but that wasn’t his fault, and Phil couldn’t blame him for not loving him back. “What happened, Phil? Everyone’s worried about you because it hurts us to see you like this, i-it hurts me. You don’t stop drinking, heck - I know you’re drunk right now, and it scares me. I grew up seeing the consequences of drink on my Father, s-saw how he hurt the people around him, and I don’t want you to have any regrets. You’re pulling away from everyone and your life is fading away, I-I see it draining from your face - you never laugh or smile, your familiar smell of coffee is replaced with beer and wine - a-and the fact that your soulmate did this to you… it makes me hate the idea of them more.” Clint ranted with raw desperation in his voice. “I know you Phil, I know how you feel about soulmates, h-how you were waiting for yours, in love with them before you’d even met, and I wanted nothing more for you to be happy with your fated. I’m so sorry it didn’t turn out. You deserve so much more than that asshole can give. Anyone would be happy to be your soulmate. Privileged, even.”
“E-even you?” Phil asked. Clint remained silent, proving right his thoughts - Clint would never love him. “S-sorry, I-I sh-shouldn’t h-have said that. I-I know you love being soulless.”
“I lied.” Clint blurted, snapping Phil out of his misery and into a state of confusion. “A name appeared in my inner thigh when I was a kid, but I didn’t want it. I… I burnt it off. I thought that if I wasn’t born unbonded, I could make myself unbonded. My damaged skin is a reminder of my past, but I never… I never think about what could’ve been, and I’ve never gone looking for him. I don’t even remember his name. Why would I? I never wanted him.”
Hearing Clint explain himself out loud was worse than thinking he was unbonded. After all this time, Clint was his soulmate, the person he was destined to adore, but the man didn’t love him back regardless of his mark! Permanently covering your soulmark was considered disrespectful and a sin in most countries, and America was known for arresting tattooists, who offered to cover names ; Clint was no different to them. For the first time in his life, Phil was furious with his soulmate.
“You’re wicked.” Phil growled, venom dripping off his lips as his jaw clenched and his hands turned to fists. “You’re a monster. I hate you.” He spat.
“Phil—“ Clint cried, voice breaking in pitch as he called out his name.
Phil hung up, and threw his phone at the wall. Phil watched it crash to the ground, probably cracked, but still in one piece, and cried, pulling his knees to his chest, and falling asleep in a ball.
…
The moment that he turned sober, Phil resigned as Clint’s handler due to ‘personal reasons’ and decided that, no matter what the future held, his so called soulmate couldn’t be in it. Clint was right, the life inside of him was fading, and it was all his fault. It was time to let go and move on.
Phil didn’t give up the drinking, but he agreed to go back to weekly sessions with the base’s therapist, and started taking a daily dose of antidepressants. After hearing about what Clint had done, Fury agreed to never assign the soulmates on the same mission, and Phil avoided him at all costs, blocking him on his phone and never coming to base in the same hours.
Phil knew that it was better that way, that he was healthier, but his heart still longed for his fated lover. Although his love would always be unrequited, Phil found himself experiencing withdrawal symptoms and wondered if he’d only isolated himself further from the world and everyone around him.
…
If the universe had allowed Clint to pick his soulmate, he would’ve chosen Phil any day, so why did the man’s last words to him have to be ‘I hate you’?
…
Phil was a year sober when Clint spared Natasha. He watched from afar as their friendship blossomed, but no jealously rotted in his chest. Phil was healing and living became more bearable.
…
Phil’s files were made public after he died.
Clint cried.
…
By the time Clint realised he was wrong about soulmates, it was already too late. Phil was dead and nothing mattered.
Phil was right - he was a monster. He deserved the pain, the grief, the heartbreak. Phil would’ve given him the world, but Clint had refused it, refused him - Clint had done it to himself and he deserved every second of what came next.
…
Clint visited Phil’s grave weekly, babbling and ranting about everything, until he lost his voice or ran out of things to share. It was the closest thing he had to having Phil back, giving him comfort in his isolated world, until Fury caught him in the middle of night, emerging from his cloak of darkness and giving him another chance.
Lesson learnt and regrets made, Clint didn’t mess up that time.