Archive of Our Own ^beta

Castiel looked out his classroom window the snow had started to fall, he felt his body sigh as the green’s from the trees and grass started to be taken away, leaving nothing but white. He continued to watch until the last of the green’s got swallowed up and disappeared. Castiel let out a tight breath, there really was nothing he could do. He would be ok, He had to be.

The cold from the outside was starting to make it’s way inside and Castiel shivered, he decided to retreat into the teacher’s lounge to grab some coffee. School was finished for the day yet a few students still lingered walking down the halls, laughing and talking; some even greeting Castiel as he made his way down the hall. The school year was nearly finished and he would be saying goodbye to his students, he would miss them it was bitter sweet. Saying goodbye only to be saying hello to a new group. Seeing the school empty would be weird and lonely, he would miss the noise that kept his mind calm and his heart quiet.

As Castiel enters the staffroom a few teachers are chatting away, planning holidays and swapping horror stories. Castiel waves to a few before turning on the kettle and staring out the small window above the kitchenette. His mind drifts to small spaces, with soft touches and promising words. The kettle button pops up indicating the water had finished boiling, Castiel is brought out of his reverie feeling a pain in his chest weighting heavy on his heart, as if the snow had crept into his body covering his heart and taking all the colour.

Castiel remembers when he first started here. He had been so nervous, he wondered if he was going to be a good teacher, whether his students would like him, if the other teachers would like him. He tended to come across as quite shy and reserved and he always had a hard time making friends. He really had nothing to be worried about, everyone had welcomed him with open arms. And now Castiel couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.

Castiel pours the coffee, ignoring the milk and sugar feeling that he needed the caffeine more to shake the tiredness that’s made it’s way inside him.
As he turns to leave Castiel hears a laugh ring through the staffroom. Curiosity getting the better of him Castiel looks around to find the source. Dean sits on the couches with his friends Charlie and Jo, those three had been inseparable since he got here. They always seem to be laughing and Castiel smiles.

Dean’s eyes flick up to Castiel’s, and Castiel holds his gaze before shaking himself and quickening his pace getting back to his classroom as fast as he can. He feels Dean’s eyes follow him out the door and Castiel curses himself, he thought he was stronger he always has been why couldn’t his heart just let go, even for a minute. Castiel would love to take one breath without feeling the splinters inside his chest.

He places his mug down, placing two hands on his desk holding him up, his face downcast resting his chin on his chest, his body feels heavier and he’s struggling to keep himself up. Castiel closes his eyes, trying to clam his body searching for strength from somewhere, anywhere.

Castiel remembers when he was first introduced to Dean. The man had looked him up and down before holding out a hand, introducing himself as the history teacher. Castiel had to shallow the lump in his throat before he could say anything, though not a lot of use that did as he still managed to stumble over his words making a complete fool of himself. He was meant to be the new english teacher and he couldn’t even make it through simple small talk.

Dean had chuckled at Castiel attempts, telling to him relax patting Castiel’s shoulder. Castiel felt the heat from the touch spread across his chest making it’s way into his heart.

The door to the classroom closes and Castiel breath hitches. Foot steps start to come closer, slowly. Two arms wrap themselves around Castiel. Castiel could recognize these arms anywhere. He feels the breath he was holding in releasing as his body hums. The cold starting to slide down his body, Castiel leans into the body as the arms tighten taking his weight and holding him up.
Castiel breaths in the scent of the man standing behind him.

He has done this before getting lost in the touches, tastes and smells, they had always been addicting for Castiel. Butterfly kisses start to make there way up Castiel’s neck, a smile spreads across his face as he tilts his head allowing more access. The kisses trail up to finish just behind Castiel’s right ear and Castiel shivers as he hears his name whispered against his skin, calling him, worshiping him. The body shifts as the arms start to graze up his chest, gently teasing.

The hands start to move lower, reaching for the buckle on Castiel’s belt. Castiel huffs a laugh grabbing the hand stopping it from continuing.

“No Dean not here-”

Castiel stops himself as his fingers graze over the cold, hard band around Dean’s left finger. Castiel’s whole body freezes, he tries to untangle himself. The hand Castiel that stopped comes up to grab Castiel’s wrist, forcing him to spin around facing Dean. Dean continues to hold onto Castiel’s wrist trying to catch his eyes, Castiel’s eyes dart around the room trying in vain to find somewhere else to look.

Dean moves his other hand to cup Castiel face directing his face to look up at him. He feels Castiel relax and lean into the touch as his eyes flick up to Dean’s.

Dean’s eyes flick between Castiel’s trying to find something behind them. His brow is creased in confusion and worry as he withdraws his hand from Castiel’s face still holding onto his wrist, Castiel can feel his hand trembling.

Castiel feels the cold instantly as Dean shifts his hand to hang by his side, he watches as Dean’s eyes start to darken, the green flicks that are sprinkled through them dimming and fading. Castiel always loved those little bits of colour, they were Castiel favorite thing about Dean’s eyes, he could look into those eyes forever.

Castiel’s remembers watching those eyes come alive whenever Dean talked about something he loved. Castiel always hoped one day he could create that kind of reaction.

Dean open’s his mouth to say something before closing it again, letting go of Castiel’s wrist bringing both hands up wiping over his face. Castiel’s eyes follow the gold ring as it glints in the light, the ring seemed to be watching him too burning into Castiel’s eyes.

“We can’t do this Dean.”

Castiel’s voice comes out distant and hallow, it’s the voice he uses when talking about his estranged father, who ran out on his family leaving himself his brothers and sisters to fend for themselves. Dean seems to notice this, his eyes shooting up to Castiel’s. His lip becomes a hard line the frown on his brow becoming deeper.

Castiel feels himself stand up taller, pushing his chest out trying to make it seem that the broken look on Dean’s face isn’t breaking his own heart.

“Don’ t do this Cas.”

Castiel’s eyes close for a second his heart flickering at the use of the nickname Dean had given him.

“Don’t shut me out...not me.”

Dean’s voice breaks at the end, he brings a hand up to his face running his fingers over his lips. His eyes staring off not able to look at Castiel anymore, glazing over.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

Castiel says, Dean’s fingers stop and his eyes come back to Castiel’s the intensity drawing Castiel in, he can’t seem to look away. It feels like Dean is going through his mind looking for something or someone.

“You can’t do this anymore?”

Dean repeats Castiel’s words still staring at him, his hand has moved down his chin scratching at the day old stubble. Castiel nods holding himself up, he has to let go.

“You’re married Dean, we shouldn’t be doing this.”

Castiel holds his hands out and Dean steps back.

“Yeah I remember I’m married Cas”

Dean spits, he flashes his hand up displaying the ring before shoving his hand into his pocket. Castiel must not be the only one who feels like the ring is watching.

Dean shakes his head.

“I don’t get it. You didn’t seem to care before, why now?”

Why does he care now? That’s a good question. Castiel had never imagined being one of those people to get involved with a married man. He’s always thought he had more stronger morals than that. But Dean, Dean was different. He could turn a sinner into a saint, make an angel fall and Castiel would he would give anything to Dean.

Castiel had wanted more from Dean, he wanted to hold hands and go out to dinner. He wanted to come home to him, and watch TV with him. But he couldn’t ask Dean for that. He couldn’t ask Dean to leave his wife, not for him. So Castiel decided he would lie.

“I don’t love you anymore.”

The words leave Castiel’s mouth, this is the only way. He needs to let Dean go. Breaking his own heart the only way he knows how, by breaking Dean’s.

“You don’t love me anymore?”

Dean’s laugh is bitter, nothing like the one in the staffroom. Castiel doesn’t like it.

“No, I don’t want to keep doing this.”

Castiel crosses his arms over his chest, his eyes scanning the room making it seem like he’s bored. Dean clicks his tongue walking over to Castiel, his face inches away, it makes it very difficult for Castiel to look anywhere else. His eyes settle on Dean’s chest, his breathing has become deep and shallow.

“Say it again Castiel-”

Castiel flinches at the use of his whole name.

“Tell me you don’t love me, but at least have the decency to look me in the eyes.”

Castiel shakes his head, holding back a sob that starts to make it’s way up his throat trying to escape. His arms unfold, as he places his hands on Dean’s chest stopping him from getting closer.

“No”

Castiel voice comes out a whisper, a silent plea.

“No what? No, you won’t look me in the eyes, or no you don’t love me?”

Castiel feels the tears sting at the back of his eyes, he has to do this. He shakes his head again pulling up all the courage he has left, shutting his eyes willing the tears away. He feels a breath come, lifting his body up and straightening his back. The hands that were resting on Dean’s chest fall down to fists at his side. Castiel’s mouth becomes a thin line as he lifts his head looking straight into Dean’s eyes.

He’s looked into these eyes so much, held their graze and watched them transform. They would shine appearing to light up from within.

In the mornings the sun would find the green flickers playing with them making them appear mossy green. These eyes that would watch Castiel with devotion. Now when Castiel looks at these eyes he doesn’t see any of these things he loves. He doesn’t recognize these eyes and yet that doesn’t make any of this any easier.

He takes a shaky breath.

“No Dean, I do not love you. And I don’t wish to see you again.”

Dean huffs as he turns his head, staring out the window watching the snow fall outside, his jaw becoming tense. Castiel side steps, moving away from Dean and walking over to the door. His jacket and bag hang on the coatrack. Castiel’s hand grips the door handle when he hears Dean say something. He stops, his heart beating faster, he needs to leave before he loses his strength again.

“Stay, please.”

Dean repeats himself louder.

“I need you.”

Castiel feels the cold shiver run down his spine. There had been countless times Castiel had told Dean that he loved him, throwing the words around, he was always so stupid when he was in a relationship even a secret one. Dean had never told Castiel such things, Castiel had always felt it would be inappropriate for him to do so. It was a strange thing to think but he wasn’t Dean’s wife he didn’t deserve such words, he was a fling, a crush.

But now Dean saying that he needs him, no one has ever told Castiel they needed him. It’s a weird feeling knowing someone needs you. He could stay and Dean would forgive him, take him back, but for how long? Castiel would always be a secret, how long would that last before Dean couldn’t hide him any longer and he would have to end it. Castiel doesn’t know if he would be able to handle rejection from Dean. No, he was being the bad guy the selfish one and ending it, hurting Dean.

Castiel places his hand on the door knob twisting it and pulling it open. Walking out into the hallway, tightening his jaw tasting blood, commanding his tears to stay away, till he can crawl into bed and let himself grieve his broken heart.

Castiel doesn’t look back, slamming the door to his car and pulling out of the school. He can feel the tears falling down his checks.

“Couldn’t even make it home.”

He says to himself. A small gasp leaving him, he feels claustrophobic in his car. But he doesn’t stop. Castiel looks ahead, the snow having claimed everything around him. He no longer see’s the greens he loves and that breaks Castiel heart more.