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i.
It is not a secret that Kevin Day is a little messed up.
Or, a lot messed up. It’s hard to lie to yourself when everywhere you go there are little things to remind you of the fact.
Just last week, he’d almost had a panic attack during his lecture on ancient Roman history because the click of the pen from the person beside him had sounded slightly similar to the one Riko used to click when he was bored.
But, besides that, Kevin thinks he’s doing alright. He’s doing better than he was in the Nest, and this is a fact no one can argue against.
Yet, no matter how much convincing Kevin tries to do to himself, he knows just how many things he’s bottled up inside. And one day, it’s all going to come pouring out and Kevin Day is going to break.
Kevin knows that his childhood wasn’t normal. He didn’t have any toys to play with that he would shove carelessly into a toy box at the end of the day. No books to stack haphazardly on a bookshelf, threatening to tip over any moment, and definitely no stuffed animals to take up the empty space on his bed, to hug when he got scared of the dark.
He knows it’s not normal to spend your entire childhood obsessing over a sport, especially one as violent as exy. He knows that his body was definitely not mature enough to handle what he was forced to do. He knows that it was less than ideal circumstances that led him to where he is today.
But Kevin is alive, and that’s more than some people from the Nest can say.
So, all things considered, Kevin thinks he’s okay.
Of course, until he’s forced to confront the fact that no, he really isn’t okay.
A week before Christmas, Kevin finds himself in the girls’ dorm, squished between Neil and Renee, for the Foxes' annual secret Santa. He can’t remember whose idea it originally was and how it stuck enough to become a tradition, but secret Santa is the one team event no one is allowed to skip.
Even Andrew is here, despite looking like he would rather be anywhere else. He even participated, a fact Kevin knows because he had caught Andrew trying to hide Allison’s gift right before Andrew threatened to gut him in the living room.
Just as they had done to pick who they would be getting a gift for, they took names out of a hat to decide whose turn it would be. Aaron’s secret Santa was Renee, who had gotten him a stethoscope with his initials engraved on it. Kevin is pretty sure Aaron teared up, but he didn’t mention it. Neil had gotten Matt a new pair of boxing gloves and a small starter kit to grow his own carrots.
When it comes time for Kevin’s secret Santa to reveal themselves, both Nicky and Matt stand up. Kevin isn’t really sure how exactly the two of them ended up doing a joint gift, but he doesn’t care enough to ask them.
Looking far too pleased with themselves, they hand him a poorly wrapped present, the wrapping paper an ugly green color with T-Rexes decorating it. Cautiously, Kevin tears away the paper and freezes at the sight that greets him underneath. Laying in his lap is a fox plush, its fur a muted orange and its large black eyes staring back at him.
“That’s lame as hell,” Allison immediately declares, which sparks an argument between her and the two gift-givers. He can hear Renee beside him trying to get them to quiet down since it’s past midnight, but Kevin’s eyes are glued to the gift and he can’t seem to pull them away.
The fox's fur is soft under his calloused hands, arguably the softest thing he’s ever felt. Ridiculously, Kevin can feel the back of his eyes start to burn and he immediately tries to push the feeling away. Luckily, at that moment, Neil places a hand on his knee, forcing Kevin to look his way.
“You okay?” Neil asks. He keeps his voice quiet enough that the only person who can hear him over the arguing is Kevin.
Kevin clears his throat. “Yeah, I’m okay.” He hopes Neil doesn’t mention the slight crack in his voice. “Just can’t believe those two idiots were working together and this is the best they could come up with.”
Neil doesn’t look convinced but thankfully doesn’t say anything else.
A few moments later, Renee finally manages to calm everyone down and they pick up where they left off, Allison getting ready to hand off her gift. Kevin zones out for the rest of the night, the fox plush sitting beside him feeling like a bomb.
When the night finally ends, Kevin can’t leave for his dorm fast enough, the fox plush clutched firmly in his hand. On his way out, he doesn’t say anything, but he makes sure Nicky and Matt see him leave with the gift.
He’s not sure how to tell them it’s the first stuffed animal he’s ever owned.
Entering the dorm, Andrew and Neil trail in behind him but don’t say anything as Kevin beelines for his bedroom. He shuts the door behind him, probably harder than necessary, and all but throws himself down onto his bed. The fox plush lands beside his head and Kevin stares at it for a beat before picking up his phone.
Jean answers after the first ring. “Kevin?” He says when he picks up. His voice sounds tired and Kevin feels bad for waking him up, knows how rare a good night's sleep can be for them, but he can’t talk to anyone else.
“Is everything okay?” Jean asks when Kevin doesn’t answer.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. Everything is okay. Just wanted to talk, that's all.”
“Kevin.” There’s no tolerance for his bullshit in Jean’s tone and really, Kevin should’ve known better than to think he could’ve fooled him.
“Sorry,” Kevin apologizes, and before Jean can tell him off, continues, “We did our secret Santa tonight.”
Now Jean sounds confused. “Oh. Did you have fun?”
“It was okay. Aaron almost cried, which was a first.” Kevin pauses. “I got a stuffed fox.”
The line goes quiet for a minute. Kevin can hear the sound of Jean’s sheets rustling as he adjusts his position and the slight static as he switches his phone to his other ear. Finally, Jean says, “Do you like your gift?”
When Kevin doesn’t reply, he continues, “You know you’re allowed to like it, right? No one is going to do anything if you do.”
Staring into the fox’s seemingly endless eyes, Kevin replies, “I’ve never had one before. Riko always said-”
“Riko is dead,” Jean interrupts and Kevin sucks in a breath at the reminder. “He is dead and he can’t do anything to you anymore. To us.”
Turning onto his side so his back is to the fox, Kevin takes a deep breath to try and calm his rapidly beating heart. “I know,” he whispers, “but sometimes it feels like he isn’t.”
“I know,” Jean whispers back. “But I promise, he’s gone.”
It doesn’t feel like he’s gone. Not when I see him over my shoulder every time I look in the mirror. Not when his breath brushes against my ear as he whispers all the ways he’s going to punish me for what I did, is what Kevin doesn’t say. He’s bothered Jean with his problems enough for one night.
“Sorry for waking you,” Kevin says. He knows he’s deflecting, knows that Jean knows too, but neither of them mentions it. “I’ll let you go back to sleep. Talk to you tomorrow?”
Jean hesitates for a moment before he lets out a sigh. “Yeah, okay. I’ll text you after practice.” Then, softer, “Goodnight, Kevin.”
Despite everything, Kevin feels a small smile pull at his lips. “Goodnight, Jean.”
After he hangs up, he forces himself to strip down to his boxers and climbs under his cover. He sleeps with his lamp on for the night, but the fox doesn’t move from its position beside him.
ii.
Back in college, Kevin thinks, Neil and Andrew never would've let this many people into their space willingly.
Then again, most people probably wouldn't have shown up even if they had.
Currently, it's Saturday, and Neil and Andrew's apartment is filled to the brim with teammates and friends, new and old. In the middle of the chaos, enjoying all the attention is Noah, the 5-year-old boy the couple had adopted 9 months ago. Today is his birthday and no one had been willing to miss it.
Taking a sip from his iced tea, Kevin leans his weight against the wall as he talks to Jeremy. He sees a lot more of him than he ever thought he would after college. Coincidentally, Jeremy ended up on the same pro team as Neil, so Kevin often sees him at exy functions or events.
"Smith is good, don't get me wrong, but I think it'll be easier for Rodrigo to mesh with the team," Jeremy is saying when Noah comes bounding over, his short legs moving almost too fast for his body to keep up.
To the surprise of all the foxes except Neil and Andrew, Kevin is Noah's favorite by far. Andrew says it's because Kevin is tall enough to climb like a jungle gym, therefore appealing to children, but Matt always argues that he's just as tall.
The boy has a bright grin on his face when he stops in front of Kevin, his hands hiding suspiciously behind his back. "Hey, bud," Kevin greets, ruffling Noah's hair, much to the boy's delight. "Run away from your dads again?"
Noah's grin immediately drops into a pout. "Aunty Ali was trying to get me to try on the clothes she got me and Papa was encouraging her. He betrayed me!"
Jeremy snorts, quickly bringing a hand to his mouth to stifle it when Kevin sends him a sharp look. He motions to the other side of the living room, where Jean looks like he's having an awkward conversation with one of Neil's teammates.
"I'm going to go rescue your boyfriend," Jeremy says. "Happy birthday, kid." Patting Noah on the head and waving at Kevin, Jeremy takes his leave.
Turning his attention back to Noah, Kevin bends down so they're roughly the same height. "So, you came to hide behind me? I'll do my best to keep you hidden, but you know if your dad finds you, it's game over. I can't say no to him."
Noah giggles and nods, shuffling up against Kevin's side. "That's okay," he replies. "Dad knows I'm over here. He distracted Papa so I could run away." He fidgets, adjusting his hands behind his back, suddenly looking nervous.
"What do you have there, bud?" Kevin asks gently, gesturing behind the boy's back. Noah looks uncertain and glances off to the side. Kevin follows his gaze to Andrew, who is seated on the end of the couch. Andrew gives Noah a nod, who hesitantly mirrors the gesture before turning back to Kevin. Without warning, Noah shoves whatever was in his hands at Kevin's chest.
"This is for you!"
Kevin jumps in surprise but quickly recovers, replacing Noah's hands with his own. The item, he discovers, is a stuffed green dinosaur, slightly larger than the palm of his hand. Kevin blinks at it for a moment, confused, before looking back to Noah, who has started fidgeting nervously again.
"I didn't know today was my birthday," Kevin says. Noah giggles at that and shakes his head, jostling the party hat strapped to it.
"No, silly. It isn't your birthday. It's mine!"
"Then, why are you the one giving me a gift?"
Noah scoots closer and leans in as if he's telling a secret. Kevin cups his hand around his ear to play along. "I was at the store with Papa for party stuff when I saw the dinosaur, and it reminded me of you because it's green and so are you."
Kevin is confused for a moment before he realizes that Noah is probably talking about his exy jersey, which is a mix of dark green and white. A smile spreads across his face and he brings the little boy in for a hug, placing a kiss on the top of his head.
"You're right, it looks just like me," Kevin agrees. "Thank you, I love it. I'll make sure to put it somewhere safe when I get home."
The answering grin he receives in return for his promise is worth every penny in Kevin's bank account.
Later that night, on the drive home, Jean glances over at him. "Where did you get that?" He asks, turning his attention back to the road in front of them.
"It's my long-lost twin," Kevin replies. "What?" Kevin asks when Jean gives him an unamused look. He holds the dinosaur up beside his face. "You don't think it looks like me?"
What Jean says instead is, "You're good with him."
Kevin falters and looks at Jean in surprise. "Well, kids aren't too hard to get along with. They mostly entertain themselves," he says.
"Don't do that," Jean responds. "I've seen you with him. You're always so careful to make sure you don't make him feel less important just because he's a child."
"I know what it's like. I don't want him to feel like that. He's a good kid."
Jean doesn't reply but he takes one hand off the wheel and places it in the middle. Kevin grabs it, lacing their fingers together.
When they get home, the dinosaur is given a new home next to the fox occupying Kevin's side of the bed.
iii.
Kevin's been having a shitty week; at least, shittier than usual.
He's been doing pretty alright lately, all things considered. He's started seeing his therapist more often than once in a blue moon when Jean or Andrew or Neil bully him into making an appointment when they've had enough of his shit. He even makes the appointments on his own now.
He knows that if any of them were here, they would tell him to make one of those appointments right now, to call his therapist for an over-the-phone session. But none of them are here. Neil and Andrew are in their own apartment being proper adults, building a family. Jean is away for a team conference and has been for almost a week.
And Kevin is sitting on the floor of his kitchen, hands shaking so harshly that he isn't sure he'd be able to make that call to his therapist even if he wanted to.
Ichirou had called him four hours ago for a "check-in" and once the line dropped, Kevin's mind blanked. He knows he threw his phone, but he doesn't know where it landed. He doesn't really want to know.
Since then, he hasn't done anything except stare blankly at the kitchen tile and alternate between wishing there was a bottle of vodka in the freezer and hating himself for even considering breaking his three years of sobriety.
But he wants so badly to forget.
He wants to forget that he isn't normal. He doesn't want to remember the Nest, Ichirou, and Riko, and all of the times they put their hands on him. He doesn't want to remember the scars those hands left behind. He doesn't want to remember the things that he did to others, the things he did to Jean.
He doesn't understand how Jean could just forgive him for everything he did.
Through the haze clouding his mind, Kevin can faintly hear his phone ringing. He can't tell whose ringtone it is; he doesn't want to know.
He needs to get out.
It isn't until he's standing on the sidewalk outside his apartment complex that Kevin realizes it's the middle of December and he didn't grab a coat. The chill of the winter air settling deep in his bones helps him focus, though, so he doesn't bother turning back for one.
He stumbles down the street, narrowly avoiding colliding with the other people around him. He thinks someone asks him if he's alright.
He's fine.
Ten or fifteen or twenty minutes go by and Kevin stops. He's made it, somehow, to a department store. He's been here a few times and knows it's not too far from his apartment, so he couldn't have been walking for too long. At least he's not lost.
Well, he thinks, I guess I could find something for Noah.
When he walks in the worker greets him but Kevin doesn't reply, doesn't think he can. He heads toward the children's toys and at the end of the aisle is a large wall filled to the brim with stuffed animals of various shapes, sizes, and colors. Noah likes stuffed animals.
He's trying to pull out what Noah's favorite animal is from the fog in his head when his gaze lands on something that makes him pause. On the fourth shelf from the bottom sits a row of penguins, black and white, and easily the plushest animals on the wall.
Kevin can't remember the last time he thought of his mother.
The older he gets, the few memories he has of her seem to get further and further away. Before, they would creep up from the back of his mind when he was nearing the bottom of a liquor bottle, but they never stayed pleasant memories, always morphing into something sinister.
Kevin doesn't like to think about his mother, but his brain doesn't seem to think the same. He's hit with a sudden memory of himself, much smaller, tugging on his mother's hand as they both made their way through a crowded zoo. He remembers feeling the most excited he had probably ever been in his short life. He had seen the ads for the zoo in a pamphlet at his daycare and spent the next week begging his mother to go.
He remembers riding an elephant, the dolphin show, watching the tigers laze around in the sun, and the penguins. He hadn't been too interested in seeing the penguins at first, but once his mother mentioned they were her favorite, he hadn't been able to drag them there fast enough.
His body must hate him more than usual today because before he can stop himself, Kevin is grabbing one of the penguins off the shelf.
He hates it.
He ignores the strange look from the lady a few feet away from him. He can't even blame her; he probably looks insane. No coat in the middle of December and two seconds away from another panic attack, surrounded by stuffed animals.
Kevin doesn't look at the cashier when he hands over the toy and his credit card and doesn't say thank you or, "you too," when she tells him to have a good day. He moves on autopilot all the way back to his apartment, where he finds Jean sitting on the couch, nursing a cup of tea with Kevin's abandoned phone on the coffee table.
Kevin drops the shopping bag on the floor as the front door closes behind him and he feels his world tilt. "Jean," he breathes out. "You're back."
"I know I'm early. I tried calling you to tell you I was on my way home, but you never picked up," Jean says, placing his cup on the table. "Where have you been? Are you alright?"
Kevin swallows and horrifyingly, he can feel himself tearing up. God, he's so pathetic. Who the hell cries over a stuffed animal? Kevin toes off his shoes and slowly makes his way over to the couch, collapsing beside him. Silently, he leans to the side until his head is resting on Jean's chest, who immediately wraps his arms around him.
"Kevin," Jean says, his tone laced with concern. "Did something happen? Why aren't you wearing a coat, you're freezing.
Shaking his head, Kevin feels a tear hit his cheek. "I thought about my mom for the first time since I've been sober," he mutters. "I hate her."
"Did something trigger it?" Jean asks. Wordlessly, Kevin points to the abandoned penguin on the floor.
"They were her favorite." Against his will, another tear falls, and another, and another, until Kevin can't control them anymore and his breath is catching in his throat. "It's all her fault," he sobs. "Why did she have to go and die? If she hadn't I wouldn't have ended up with Tetsuji and they wouldn't have hurt me."
"Oh, baby," Jean whispers softly, bringing a hand to his cheek.
"Why didn't she give me to dad?" Kevin asks. "Why couldn't she have just let me be happy?"
Jean wipes at his wet face and moves one of his hands to the back of Kevin's head. "I can't pretend I know what your mother was like," Jean starts, "but if she was anything like her son, I don't think she would've let Tetsuji have you if she knew what he was really like."
"I miss her," Kevin whispers. "I hate her, but I miss her so much."
Jean doesn't have a response to that. The two fall into silence, interrupted by Kevin's hiccuping as he tries to calm down and Jean's occasional reminder that he loves him. Kevin isn't sure how long they sit on the couch, but eventually, Kevin's phone starts ringing from its place on the table. He sits up and softly pushes Jean's arms off him, scooting to the edge of the couch so he can see the screen.
"Are you okay?" Jean asks, leaning over his shoulder.
Kevin nods. "I will be." He looks over his shoulder so they're face to face. "Thank you."
Jean gives him a quick peck on the lips and runs a hand through his hair as he stands up. "Of course. I'll go take a shower and then we can watch a movie or something."
His phone had stopped ringing, but just as the bathroom door closes behind Jean, it starts up again. Kevin answers.
They don't say anything at first until Andrew asks, simply, "Okay?"
Kevin risks a quick glance at the stuffed animal laying in front of the door and hums. "Okay."
Andrew grunts and Kevin can hear him adjusting the phone against his and a new, muffled voice. Andrew pauses to listen to the newcomer before he agrees to whatever they said and sends them away.
"That's good," Andrew finally says, "because Noah insists you join us for dinner tomorrow. He cleaned his entire room today without being told to, so Neil is letting him make dinner. He says he'll make your favorite, macaroni."
Macaroni isn't actually Kevin's favorite food, but the second time he'd met Noah, the boy had been so excited to share a favorite food with him that Kevin didn't have the heart to tell him otherwise.
Smiling for the first time since his day started, Kevin lets out a small laugh.
"Well, I couldn't possibly miss macaroni night. Tell him I'll be there. Can Jean come?"
Letting out a dramatic sigh, Andrew relays his question. Kevin assumes Noah must be in another room because he doesn't hear a response, but Andrew says, "He said he's only allowed to come if he brings the cookies from last time."
"Guess he better get baking then," Kevin replies. "Is five okay?"
Andrew lets out another grunt which Kevin takes as confirmation. They talk for a few more minutes, interrupted twice by Noah again and once by Neil, who tells Andrew that dinner is ready. They end the call with the promise that both Kevin and Jean will be there with cookies tomorrow and a stern reminder from Andrew to "call your fucking therapist."
When the dial tone beeps in his ear, Kevin places his phone down and goes to pick up the penguin before heading to the bedroom. He looks at the fox and dinosaur occupying the bed as he places the penguin in between the two. One large tower protected by two smaller ones.
Then, he calls his fucking therapist.