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She didn't know what came over her. Maybe it was the atmosphere. Maybe the storm or the blackout made her feel that whatever action she'd make wouldn't have any consequences. Well, she still feels like she hasn't received the consequences she deserves.
I don't deserve my wife. That's for sure.
Arizona stood staring out the window while Callie is in their daughter's room. She's thinking about everything and nothing at once. What is one even supposed to do or think after doing something like that?
For some reason though, she can't stop replaying their wedding day in her mind. That day they proclaimed their love for each other. A love, and partnership that's supposed to last more than lifetime. The day they said their vows, their "til death do us part's." The day they said their "I do's."
Arizona always thought that her brother would be there for her wedding day. That he’d be there, as she takes a woman who was the love of her life to be her wife. But he wasn’t and the wedding was still joyous and perfect because it wasn’t about her brother. It was about them.
Callie and Arizona.
Arizona will never forget how perfect that day was. How happy they were. Callie looked so beautiful, she couldn't take her eyes off her. God, we have only been married for less than three years. (For a year, Callie has been so patient with her. Caring for her and their child while she shuts the world out.)
Wasn’t that day supposed to be the happy ending? That after that beautiful, perfect day with her wife, they’re just supposed to go into the sunset forever, with Sofia. No, Arizona wasn’t naïve. But nobody said there would be days heavier than little fights here and there.
Nobody sent her the memo for marriages facing problems like planes falling out of the fucking sky, leg amputations by your own fucking wife, literal fucking storms fucking up your marriage by making you fuck a woman who is not your wife.
Their life was not supposed to look like this.
Every conversation wasn’t supposed to end with explosive words. Callie wasn’t supposed to walk on egg shells around her every fucking time. There weren’t supposed to be infidelity of any kind.
And now Arizona can’t do anything but cling to their perfect beginnings. If she could just remind Callie, remind herself, how perfect they are for each other. Everything will be alright.
Right?
In sickness, and in health.
‘Til death do us part.
They wouldn’t be in this position if she just gave up in those woods. But Sofia..
That little girl was her rock. She came back alive because the hope of seeing Callie and Sofia again gave her strength.
She doesn’t even know how to face Callie now. Will Callie ever look at her the same? Probably not.
She should apologize. She should be on her knees begging Callie for forgiveness right then, instead of staring into the distance. But was she really sorry?
Arizona didn’t want to admit it, but a little part of her felt satisfied. And she hated that.
She’s supposed to feel regret and remorse.
But does she?
Once she faces Callie again, what would she say? What would she feel looking at Callie’s pained expressions?
Deciding she’s had enough time processing her thoughts, Arizona walked towards Sofia’s room.
If this was before the plane crash, she and Callie would’ve been tucking Sofia to bed together.
Callie wasn’t in Sofia’s room anymore when she got there. Sofia was already sleeping so she just went to her bed and sat beside the little girl.
Arizona never thought she’d be a parent. But here she was now, looking at the face of the most beautiful little girl in the world. Sofia stole Arizona’s heart ever since she heard that heartbeat.
“My baby,” she whispered while lifting her hand to delicately touch a soft cheek.
“I love you so much, you’re my baby girl, and I love you.”
What was going to happen to their family after this?
She didn’t want to ruin her family. She didn’t want to lose her family. She didn’t want Sofia to grow up in a broken home.
She kissed her daughter gently, and with a clearer mind, Arizona decided she needed to talk to Callie. It was her turn to fight for them.
Entering the room she shared with her wife, she found Callie just sitting on the side of the bed. She was looking down and playing with her wedding ring.
Arizona stood there for a minute just looking at Callie. Looking at her wife brings her so much emotion. All kinds of emotion, even the bad ones.
Callie makes Arizona feel so much.
“Callie.”
She hesitated, “can we talk?”
It was as if Callie hadn’t heard her. And maybe she didn’t, so Arizona repeated herself.
“Callie.”
She walked towards the bed, and slowly sat at the corner of the side where Callie was sitting.
“Calliop-“
“Don’t. Don’t start Arizona.”
So, Arizona just sat there.
“And don’t even think of coming near me.”
She deserved that. No doubt. They sat there in silence for a few minutes. With just the few honking cars outside reminding Arizona that she’s not deaf. That and Callie’s breathing.
It was not a comfortable silence. It was not like the one they had when Callie sat with her watching TV, months after the crash.
Every second she spent not saying a word felt like seconds wasted, and more time spent letting Callie slip away.
“I-“ she started. But she really didn’t know what to say.
I love you?
I’m sorry?
I’m so sorry. I love you so much. Please forgive me. Please don’t run. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t give up on me.
“If you’re going to blame me again for your bullshit then just save it. I don’t want to hear any more of what you have to say, Arizona.”
Callie spoke her name with so much venom, it almost made her flinch.
“No, I-,”
“I won’t blame you. I didn’t mean what I said”
“Bullshit.”
“I love you. It meant nothing, Calliope. Nothing. It was just-, just-,”
“Just what, Arizona? A senseless fuck? You think that makes it better?”
She was going to respond, but decided against it.
“And don’t fucking call me Calliope.”
She looked at Callie. Analyzing her side profile. She looked as beautiful as she did at their wedding, but it was obvious that stress had taken a toll on her. Callie looked so down, so tired. And it was her fault.
Arizona couldn’t help but look at Callie’s hand. She’s taken off her wedding ring and was now holding it. That little action made Arizona feel cold.
“You promised.” Arizona blurted out.
“What?”
“You promised you wouldn’t run.”
Still, Callie wouldn’t look at her, “are you fucking kidding me?” She scoffed.
“Callie, I-“
“I’m leaving.”
Arizona’s heart was beating out of her chest. Surely, Callie wasn’t thinking of that? This was just… a bump in the road.
“What? Callie- No-,”
“I can’t live like this. You hate me, I know you do. I can’t even look at you right now, Arizona. And I really don’t want to be around you right now. This-, it’s not working. Our marriage is dead.”
Callie was making sense. But this can’t be it. Surely, it can’t be. Her relationship with Callie was untouchable. Nothing could break them. Not this. Not after everything.
“That’s not true. I love yo-,”
“It is, Arizona. Can’t you see? We’ve tried, I tried over and over, to fix this. I thought we were getting better, that you were getting better. But you fucking lied.”
“I’ll get better, Callie. I swear-“
“I’m done, Arizona. I just can’t deal with this anymore. I’m so tired. And I’m starting to regret everything…” Callie trailed off.
“Calliope… everything?” she asked. Desperation and betrayal laced her voice. Surely, Callie didn’t regret everything? They loved each other.
“Everything.”
Tears streaked down Arizona’s cheek. She wouldn’t even be able to tell when they started, and she didn’t even bother to wipe them off at this point.
“Callie, I can fix this.”
“I want to separate, Arizona. I’m leaving.”
“Calliope, come on. We can fix this. This can’t be the end for us. I love you.”
Callie let out a little laugh that sounded more like a scoff, and Arizona would give all that she had to know what she was thinking at that moment.
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do, Callie. I love you, you’re my wife.”
Callie put her ring on top of her bedside table, beside the necklace Arizona was just noticing that Callie also took off.
“So, now you remember you have wife?”
She stayed silent. Callie was right.
“I don’t want to be with you anymore, Arizona.”
Everything Callie was saying at that time was stab to her heart. She always did make her feel so much, and now was not an exception.
“You don’t mean that.”
Callie looked at her for the first time since she entered the room. Callie’s eyes gave so much intensity, she almost wanted to look away because of it.
“But I do, Arizona. I do.”