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Poison Ivy watched Harley Quinn pace anxiously back and forth, her sequin slippers scuffing the carpet every few steps.
"He ruins everything!" Harley cried.
Without warning, she hurled a dagger across the room, missing Ivy's head by a foot. Ivy didn't flinch. She knew her girlfriend had better aim than that.
She twisted to see the dagger embedded in a crudely drawn Batman photo on the wall, beside three other knives. "I know, Harls," she commiserated, "but there's nothing we can do about it."
"We could kill him," Harley raged.
Ivy sighed. As nice as it would be to get Batman out of the way for good, he was a hard man to fight, much less kill. Their tangle with him earlier tonight had lost them about a million dollars in jewelry.
"Come on, Harley, let it go for one night. We got away, and we'll try again tomorrow. Let's watch that panda documentary," she suggested, but Harley was already scrawling something out on the chalkboard.
"I have a plan," she said, in the tone she used when she had just thought of a plan that minute.
Ivy sighed to herself. "Okay, let's hear it."
"There's one of those fancy-pantsy parties at the museum tonight."
She rubbed her eyes. "Tonight?"
"Yeah! All the old rich people will be there. Usually, we then would thieve something from the museum. But this time, we grab something else."
Ivy chewed her lip with interest. "What else is there?"
Harley's grin spread from ear to ear. "Who does everyone in Gotham City love?"
"Uh, Batman?" Ivy honestly had no idea where Harley was going with this.
"No, silly! Bruce Wayne. He fixed the schools, he paid for that bridge we blew up to get fixed. He's giving out free burritos next Wednesday!"
Bruce Wayne was not giving out free burritos, but that wasn't the point right now. "So you want to kidnap Bruce Wayne?"
Harley nodded vigorously, her pigtails bouncing up and down.
"And when Batman comes to save him, we kill him."
"Exactly!"
She thought about it. A plan so spontaneous had a very low probability of success, but it seemed to be getting Harley out of her slump. "Okay, let's try it."
"Yay!"
Bruce Wayne hated fancy galas. Charity and working with other donors was important, but he didn't understand why it required galas and parties and Zoom calls and— well, social interaction. He would rather drop a million dollars into a fund than buy a three thousand dollar suit and a one thousand dollar gala ticket.
To make things worse, it had already been a long day. Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy had gone on a jewelry store spree. He'd managed to return everything stolen, but had come out with more bruises than he could count and was sore in muscles he didn't know existed. Yet again, he wondered what they did with all that jewelry or what they planned to do with the money from selling it.
He was about to give up and leave early when he heard gunshots coming from downstairs. The other guests gasped and started huddling toward the middle of the room. Bruce rolled his eyes. How were they not used to stuff like this by now? These galas always got attacked.
Guessing it was Catwoman or someone else here to steal the museum artifacts, he tried to slip out and suit up. He never made it to the door.
The doors flew off their hinges, and confetti exploded into the room making it difficult to see. A hysterical cackled echoed in the chamber. Bruce tried to make for the door anyway, but he was hit in the stomach with a baseball bat. As he collapsed to the ground, Harley Quinn hit him again on the back shoulder.
"Bruce Wayne? More like 'bruise' Wayne," she taunted.
He had a hard time disagreeing.
Tendrils of vines wrapped around his wrists, trapping him on the floor. A sense of panic started to kick in. Most of Gotham's other heroes were out this week; covering for them was why he was so tired and beat up. That also meant there was no one to save him.
Poison Ivy stepped into his line of view.
"Biodegradable confetti," she informed him. "Made from recycled paper and completely compostable."
She flicked her wrist and the tendrils wrapped around his mouth. A beautiful yet definitely toxic flower bloomed beneath his nose. He could already feel his mind going fuzzy.
"This is an environmentally friendly crime," Harley confirmed. "And a fun one! Thanks in advance for the burritos, by the way."
Bruce passed out before he could figure out what she meant by burritos.
When Bruce woke up, he was duct taped to a plastic chair by his hands and feet. As his senses returned, he noticed that they had dragged him up to the highest floor of one of the tallest buildings in the city. The room was lined with windows, so he could see the city lights glinting far below and a few other skyscrapers reaching to the sky on his right.
The other thing he noticed was that he wasn't blindfolded or gagged. Ivy and Harley probably hadn't figured out his secret identity, or they would have tied him up better. But what would they want with Bruce Wayne?
"Comfortable?"
A strong hand with sharp fingernails grabbed his chin and turned his head. The chair scooted as his neck strained to drag the rest of his body along.
Ivy smiled and let go of his chin. Beside her, Harley cackled. She was wearing a sports bra, a flannel mini skirt, and sequin slides. Ivy was wearing real shoes, but was in sweatpants and a tank top that read, "save the planet, kill the people." So they had come in their pajamas. This was probably not a very well planned exploit.
"Don't worry," Poison Ivy assured him. "We don't want to hurt you. Actually, we're not after you at all."
Bruce scowled. "You made a mistake kidnapping me. Every hero in Gotham City will be after you."
"We're counting on it. Because you know who always gets here first?"
"Batsie!" Harley screamed before Bruce could answer.
She pulled over a shopping cart full of computer equipment. Once she had plugged her phone in, she held it up to show her face. Bruce could see the results on one of the computers; she was live-steaming this to everyone in Gotham.
"Welcome, Gotham peeps, to the Harley and Ivy show!"
Bruce rolled his eyes.
"It's me, Harley Quinn," she went on. "I'm here with you live on the top floor of Gotham Electric with the amazing, beautiful Poison Ivy."
Ivy bowed gracefully when Harley pointed the camera at her, then whirled the phone back to her own face.
"But it's not us just up here, because that would be no fun for you! We have a very special guest today." She paused and grinned for the camera. "Let me tell ya a bit about him first. He's a great dude that everyone just loves, because he does a lot of cool stuff for the city. Like the free burritos he's giving out next Wednesday! Anywho, please comment a thumbs up for.... Bruce Wayne!"
She flipped the camera and shoved her phone in his face. He kept his expression as solid as he could.
Ivy took the phone and flipped the camera back. "Listen up, Batman. If you want me and Harley, now's your chance, so come and get us."
She walked toward one of the windows, picked up Harley's bat, and smashed it in one mighty blow. Bruce suddenly flipped around as Harley dragged him over by the back of the chair. Ivy filmed as Harley held him on the edge, where he could feel wind coming up the building.
"To give you some incentive, we've captured the only half decent person in the city. If you don't show, we'll push him out the window."
"Kersplat!" Harley added way too cheerfully.
"Top floor the Gotham Electric building. Both Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn," Ivy emphasized.
She shut off the live stream and handed Harley back her phone. They returned Bruce to the center of the room and started getting out their weapons.
"What's the plan?" he asked.
"Well, it's obviously a trap," Ivy said, growing a pot of vines in the corner. "Batman shows up, we catch him, and we kill him."
Bruce nodded. "Catch him with what?"
"This!" Harley showed him a little disk with hooks on one side. "And electrocutey-thingy. Stick it on him, zap him, kill him!"
"But, why do you want to kill him? Don't you just want to steal and break stuff?"
Harley picked up the computer monitor and smashed it on the ground right in front of him. He flinched.
"Batman is relentless," Ivy explained. "We never win, not once. Unless we take him out, he'll always be in our way."
Bruce suddenly saw the opportunity to figure out their motives. "In your way to do what?"
Harley snorted. "Take over the city, obviously."
Ivy nodded. "You're not the only one who wants to make Gotham a better place."
"And a more fun place!"
Bruce frowned, confused. "You think robbing banks makes the city better?"
"No," Ivy admitted. "Stealing gives us funds, funds get resources, resources help us take out the other supervillains and take over the city. Once we're in charge, we can plant trees, open community gardens, reform agriculture—"
"Ivy has lots of neat ideas," Harley whispered right in Bruce's ear.
"—replace the roadways with hedgerows, get electric public transport, ban burning fossil fuels—"
"How long are you going to keep me here?" he interrupted.
"Until Bats shows up," Harley said.
"Shouldn't you give him a time limit? For urgency?"
Ivy shook her head. "We'll wait all night if we have to. It's more important that he shows up than when he shows up."
Bruce sighed. This was going to be a long, long night.
"Anyway," Ivy said, "back to my plan for the city. Part of the issue is how close together the buildings are. Now, small units use less energy, and people are bound to die in our rise to power, so—"
"Why do you have to take over to do all this?" Bruce interrupted. "You can plant gardens without taking over the city."
"Total reform is the only way forward," Ivy insisted. "Community gardens aren't good enough."
He looked to Harley. "What's your stake in this?"
"Fun! And I'm always there to support my Ivy."
She threw her arms around Ivy and kissed her on the cheek.
"Wait," Bruce said, blinking in surprise. "Are you together?"
Ivy crossed her arms. "What of it?"
"Nothing," he said quickly. "I just thought... Joker..."
"Is a loser who blew his chance," Harley finished. "Old news. He's in Arkham for good, and for good!"
Bruce nodded. "I mean, Ivy is definitely a better choice."
"We don't need your approval," Ivy insisted.
"Aw, c'mon Ives, he's just being supportive," Harley said.
Bruce forced a smile to show he meant it. Harley's life had sucked for a long time, and he was happy to see it getting better. The least he could do for his colleagues was wish them well. Even if they were also his sworn enemies.
Ivy relaxed. "Let's just focus on waiting for Batman."
Harley scrolled through the comments on the live stream on her phone.
"Wow, harsh," she said out loud. "People kinda actually hate you, Bruise Wayne."
She giggled again at her pun. It was so funny!
"Wonder why," he grunted.
Ivy looked over Harley's shoulder. "'I hope they drop him soon,'" she read. "'The real villain of Gotham City.' 'Batman shouldn't waste his time.' This is harsh. Why do people hate you if you do so much good stuff for the city?"
"I'm rich."
Harley shrugged. "Okay, yeah, I see it. But what about the good stuff? Like the burritos?"
"I do most of my donating in secret," he said.
Harley didn't get it. "Why? Then people wouldn't hate you."
"Because I don't help the city to make people like me. It's to make it a better place. If I do that, it doesn't matter what people think of me."
She nodded, now understanding perfectly. "Sounds like a self esteem issue. People who say they don't care what others think care the most. Probably related to the trauma of losing your parents so young."
Ivy leaned on her shoulder. "Dr. Quinzel's coming out."
Harley looked back at her phone. "Ugh, it's been hours! Why is Batsie making us wait so long? Doesn't he know Bruce Wayne's life is on the line?"
"Harley, I have to ask," Bruce said. "Why do you keep bringing up burritos?"
"Because of the free burritos you're giving out next Wednesday!" she said cheerfully.
He looked confused. "I'm not giving out burritos."
Harley's heart shattered. It hit the floor and smashed into a hundred million pieces. "No.... no burritos?"
He sighed. "No."
She jumped forward. "Let's push him out now!"
"Whoah, whoah." Ivy got in front of her. "We need to wait for Batman, remember?"
"Then make him come faster!" she screeched.
Ivy nodded. "You know, that gives me an idea. Gun."
Harley handed her a gun.
"Livestream this."
Seeing where she was going, Harley hooked her phone back up. She couldn't see the other side since she'd smashed the monitor, but it was worth the ten seconds of destructive joy she'd gotten.
"Time is running short, Batman," Ivy said to the camera. She pressed the gun into Bruce Wayne's forehead. "Better hurry."
Harley set the phone up and got into the frame. "Brucie is starting to worry you won't come."
"And he should be worried," Ivy said. "But, since we're nice and he's such a generous guy, we'll give him a way out."
She lowered the gun. Bruce visibly relaxed, though Harley got the sense he was still worried about something else.
Ivy continued. "Mr. Wayne, if you donate on million dollars to..." she hesitated, probably to pick from her favorite environmental organizations, "the World Wildlife Fund, right now, we will let you go."
"If not?" he asked hesitantly.
"Kabang!" Harley suggested, though she would have preferred him just to give them the money and go; Batman still might show up.
"Then Batman will only have one more hour to come and rescue you," Ivy finished.
Harley bounced on her heels as she waited for him to decide. This was getting exciting!
Bruce hung his head. "Batman's not coming." He looked back to the camera. "Alfred, please transfer one million dollars from my personal account to the WWF. And make sure I get the confirmation email."
"Yes!" Harley cheered.
Ivy looked satisfied.
Bruce's phone pinged. Harley hurried to grab it and made him unlock it. She opened up the email and showed it to the camera.
"One massive donation for the pandas," she confirmed.
Ivy smiled. "I guess that concludes this kidnapping. Batman, I hope you're watching. Because today, we won."
Harley jogged around to end the video. "Wooo!" she cheered, once the camera was down. She jumped on Ivy and kissed her.
"Can I go now?" Bruce Wayne sounded irritated.
"Sure." Harley leaned down and started ripping off the duct tape.
Ivy helped. Once he was free, she gave him one of her cold smiles and said, "thank you for your donation, Mr. Wayne. You've really made a difference today."
They watched him slowly back toward the elevator. When he was gone, Harley sank to the floor.
"I'm tired, and we didn't even fight Bats!"
Ivy nodded, clearly thinking something over. "I wonder why he never came. Maybe he also hates Bruce Wayne."
Harley shrugged. "Well, we tried. Next time we'll get him for sure."
Ivy helped Harley load the broadcasting equipment (her phone charger, a small generator, and a lot of extra unnecessary equipment) into the shopping cart. They put the chair she had upcycled from the dump on top, and sorted the duct tape and other garbage into the correct bins.
Harley cackled as she slapped one of her homemade bombs under a table and wired it to a sensor on the shattered window. "Just in case Batsie decides to come after all."
They rolled the cart into the elevator. Just as Ivy was about to step inside, she felt someone stepping on one of the roots she'd laid across the floor.
"Going somewhere?"
Then she heard Harley's bomb start to beep.
"Batman!" Harley screeched.
Ivy whirled around. "Oh, so now you show up. Well, it's too late."
He looked around, confused. "Didn't you want to fight?"
Ivy pulled Harley into the elevator. "We already let Bruce Wayne go. Go home, Batman. We're too tired to start something else tonight."
She started clicking the button frantically. The beeping was getting faster.
Batman came further into the room. "That was nice of you, but—"
"I know!" Harley interrupted. "We're super nice!"
"—we can still fight. I'm tired too, so it'll be fair," he insisted.
"No," Ivy said as the doors closed. The elevator started to move. It suddenly rocked violently, then continued down on its regular, slow descent.
When they got to the bottom, they hooked the shopping cart up to Ivy's bike. Harley hopped in and Ivy got on the bike.
"You think we got him?" Harley asked.
Ivy looked up at the fiery top floor of the Gotham Electric building. An ominous shadow clung to the side, just a floor down. "No."
Harley shrugged. "Next time."
"Next time," Ivy agreed.
They biked back to their hideout, snuggled up on the couch, and put on the panda documentary. Ivy thought about Bruce Wayne's donation and smiled. Maybe there was hope for Gotham City after all.
When Bruce Wayne arrived at City Hall the next morning, he was greeted with a crowd of reporters and photographers. Normally he would have walked right past them. Today, he gave them a second glance for some reason.
"Mr. Wayne!" one cried, shoving a microphone in his face. "Is it true that you're not going to withdraw your WWF donation?"
He sighed, then nodded. "That's true."
Another spoke up. "So you're going to let a team of supervillains harass you into giving away so much money?"
Bruce looked around at the reporters. He was so used to having them track his every move, he didn't care about them. He hadn't for a long time. Maybe Harley Quinn was right, and he had convinced himself not to. Or maybe he was just afraid of giving Gotham City hope that someone cared.
He wasn't afraid anymore. Bruce Wayne could take them on just as well as Batman. Apparently.
He turned back to the reporter. "If it takes a supervillain bullying us into donating to the environment, maybe we should rethink our investments. I'm not withdrawing my fund. In fact, I challenge every person in Gotham City to donate five dollars."
A few people started clapping. Most stood in shocked silence.
Bruce was continuing on his way in when he remembered something else Harley had said. He sighed and turned around.
"One more thing. There will be free burritos for everyone in Gotham City next Wednesday. Don't miss it."
"Mh. Oh, mh!"
Harley dug into her burrito. It was delicious. Beside her, Ivy picked at her own, which was only beans, rice, and salsa.
"What do you think changed his mind?"
Harley shrugged, then leaned on Ivy's shoulder, careful not to drop any meat or cheese on her vegan girlfriend. "He's a real hero, that's why."
Ivy smiled in agreement. "Yeah, did you see what he did?"
She nodded to the small tv in the corner of the Mexican restaurant. Bruce Wayne had paid several restaurants like this and given them everything they needed to make enough burritos for the entire population.
The tv was replaying the scene from City Hall a few days ago, this time with commentary.
"WWF received a million more," Ivy said. "And other organizations too. People took his challenge, and they did even more than he asked."
"A hero," Harley repeated.
The door opened and closed. People around them pulled out their phones and hid as Batman walked into the restaurant.
Harley sighed loudly. "Not now, Bats. I'm still eating my free burrito!"
Batman walked up to their booth. "But you were so anxious to fight last week."
"Didn't have a burrito then."
"Just... let her have a minute," Ivy pleaded. "Sit down, have a burrito."
"They're free today," Harley added.
Batman hesitated. Then he ordered a burrito and sat across from them. When it came, he took three of the angriest bites Harley had ever seen. It was impressive.
Harley finished her burrito as slowly as she could. The pained, impatient look on Batman's face was worth every tiny bite.
"Okay," she said when she was done. "Let's take this outside."