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Calliope Mori loved her little sister, one Baelz Hakos, embodiment of chaos and adorable little rat. She would go through hell and back for her, though in her case that would be nothing more than a short trip home to the underworld, so the phrase didn’t work for her. Maybe heaven? No, it’s not like reapers were forbidden from entering heaven. After all, both places reeked of death. Calli stopped herself before her tangent went on any longer. In any case, there wasn’t much she wouldn’t do for her cute little sister.
But this was starting to push it.
The Grim Reaper’s apprentice brought out one of her stronger whiskeys. While this was hardly a job she could do while hammered, she was even more sure that this wasn’t a job she could do while sober.
“What!? You think it was funny, after what you made me go through!?”
“Hey it’s not my fault your dice rolls were bad!”
Yup, definitely not a job for sober Calli right now.
Taking a big mouthful of alcohol, Calli all but slammed the bottle onto the table, sitting down as the bicker couple on the other side turned to face her.
“Cyalli!” Bae cried out. “You’re back already!”
“She just went to get something to drink, Bae. No need to get worked up.” IRyS argued. Bae stuck her tongue out in response.
Headaches were already coming. “Alright, before we start whatever the hell this is, might I ask why you chose me? There are other people that are probably better for this, since they’re in a functioning relationship. Kronii and Mumei are happy together, and Gura, Ame, and Ina are doing great with what they have going on.”
“And that’s the problem!” Bae declared. “They’re in a functioning relationship. Their relationship is so perfect that they would never understand our struggles.” Calli would disagree with both parts, but she let her continue. “Only your relationship comes even close to what ours is like.”
“Guh.” Calli would rather not dwell on her own relationship right now. “Can’t say I particularly like what that implies about my relationship with Kiara.”
“Oh, sorry.” Bae turned her head down, dejected. “It’s just, I don’t know, everyone else’s seems to be smooth sailing.”
“It’s alright Bae. I’m not exactly the best when it comes to advice, but I’ll help out where I can.” Despite the topic, Calli was still a little bit glad that Bae was willing to come to her for help. Worst comes to worst, she can rope Kiara in. That phoenix always seemed to know what to say. “So, what’s the problem?”
“I’m filing for a divorce.” IRyS said without hesitation.
Strange, it was usually Bae being the one that brought up divorce. Seeing it from IRyS was a surprise, but an unwelcome one. This was approximately the fifth time they’ve considered for divorce this month. “What happened this time?”
“She ruined me during our Monopoly session!”
Calli felt the downpour of regret as she recalled the context the two used the word in. Now she could never see the word in the same light again. A classic board game, all ruined because some gals tried to spice up some fanfiction on a whim. “Bae, I love you.”
“Aww, love you too sis.” Bae chimed in.
“But nothing you do can make me ever consider getting involved in your sex life.”
Both IRyS and Bae looked at her as if she stated that mint chocolate ice cream tasted like toothpaste. Well, maybe only IRyS. They both had to do a double take, making sure that they heard the reaper correctly. After a few seconds, they both broke out into feverous blushes.
“Wait! We didn’t mean that kind of Monopoly!” Bae cried out.
“Yeah! We meant normal Monopoly!” IRyS followed up. “You know, the kind where you buy up stuff and steal everyone else’s money!”
“And you get to collect $200 when you pass GO!”
“And hope you don’t lose all your money when you land on someone else’s property!”
“And get sent to Jail because Chance said so!”
“Alright, I get it.” Calli cut them off, hoping that they wouldn’t overheat from their in-sync exasperation at her misunderstanding of Monopoly. So they were getting a divorce over a normal game of Monopoly. She couldn’t tell if that was better or worse than the alternative. “So, what exactly happened?”
“So, Bae was begging-”
“Hey! I was not begging. I was bargaining!”
“You could have not sounded as desperate!”
“And then what happened?” Calli really needed to move the conversation along.
IRyS cleared her throat. “So, being the kind and generous wife that I am, I sold her Boardwalk.”
“...You sold Boardwalk.” Calli struggled to believe her ears. What possessed the nephilim to sell one of the most important pieces in Monopoly? “Okay…” She needed another drink.
“And then I lost all the money I got from Bae when I landed on it. It’s a scam I tell you.”
“Hey, you landed on Park Place, not Boardwalk.”
“Same thing!”
“Is not!”
“You almost made me go bankrupt! Is this how you repay generosity!?”
“It’s not my fault you landed on it!”
“You’re chaos! You control this stuff!”
“It wouldn’t be chance if it was controlled, ya know! You’re Hope. Can’t you just, I don’t know, change the odds with your powers?”
“That’d be abusing my powers! And then you would complain it wasn’t fair.”
“Bruh, that’s why you make sure no one notices.”
“Bae, have you been secretly using your powers?”
“...Maybe.”
“IRyS.” Calli cut in. “You do know Monopoly only ends when every other player is bankrupt, right? Only one of you can win, so that means you would have to bankrupt each other eventually. You can’t exactly blame Bae for playing the game how you’re supposed to.”
“But she didn’t have to scam me so hard!” IRyS protested.
“Hey, it’s called having good negotiation skills.” Bae said.
“You just pestered me until I gave in.”
“Like I said, good negotiation skills.”
“Guh.” Calli pinched her forehead as she let out a silent groan. “Is this really worth getting a divorce over? It’s just a game, isn’t it?” Hope and Chaos looked at her like she had suggested they order pineapple on pizza. When they both asked if the reaper was serious, Calli didn’t know whether to feel concerned or just tired. “How did you two even get married in the first place?”
“Well, IRyS told me to sign a paper, so I signed it.” Bae explained casually.
“And you didn’t even bother to look at what you were signing?” Calli almost regretted asking.
“You mean to tell me that you read the fine print of every document you sign?”
“Bae…” Calli let out an exasperated sigh. “That wasn't even the fine print. It was the main print.”
“If it’s so important, then they should have made it bigger. It’s not my fault that it blends in with the rest of the useless nonsense that’s included.” Bae huffed and puffed out her tiny chest, confident in her reasoning.
“And IRyS, why did you tell Bae to sign a marriage request form?” Honestly, Calli didn’t want to know the answer, but it was an obligation at this point.
IRyS sighed. “It was supposed to be a joke. Bae was supposed to realize that she was signing a marriage form, get shocked enough to spit out her coffee, and I would get to enjoy the expression she made.”
“Clearly that didn’t go as planned.” Calli commented.
“Yeah. She signed and gave it back to me, drinking her coffee normally while she was … I think she was playing Mario Kart?” IRyS continued on.
“Why did you submit it then?” Maybe she should have taken up Kiara on that shopping date. Dealing with that bird was starting to seem much more appealing than this.
“Well, I thought Bae was trying to play a reverse prank on me.” IRyS explained. “Surely the way she calmly signed the paper without missing a beat meant that she didn’t properly sign it, and I don’t know, put a fake name on it or something. I decided to play along with her prank, see where it goes. Never say I was scared of being pranked.”
“So you guys got married accidentally because of a prank.” Calli concluded. “I’m surprised you guys didn’t file for a divorce right then and there.”
“We did.” Both IRyS and Bae said at the same time.
“But-”
“We got married again afterwards.” Bae stated. “The moon was really pretty that night, praise Moona-senpai, and when IRyS proposed out of nowhere, I kinda just went with the flow and said yes.”
Calli gave up at being exasperated and simply decided to go with the flow and stop thinking so hard. “Okay. Remind me again when was the last time you two got married?”
“Hmm… Don’t remember.” Bae quipped. “Hey IRyS, remind me, are we even married?”
“Let me think.” IRyS stared up at the ceiling as she tried to recall the status of a relationship universally defined as complicated. “Pretty sure we got married two months ago. Hold on, but then there was that game of Yacht where you filed for child support, but I think that was before that. Wait, we also got divorced a month ago, and I don’t think that has changed since.” IRyS’s face went to sheer horror almost immediately. “Oh no.”
“What-”
“Oh my god, this is really bad!” Bae cried out. “How do we get divorced if we’re not married!?”
“It’s okay Bae, we can fix this.” IRyS tried to calm her wife/ex-wife down, placing a hand on her shoulder. “So what if we’re not married? We just need to get married right now, then we can file for a divorce.”
Bae looked back at her wife/ex-wife, and wrapped her in the biggest rat hug she could manage. “Oh my god IRyS, you’re a genius! Why didn’t I think of that!?”
“Are you sure-”
IRyS and Bae both began sprinting towards the door. “Sorry sis, I got a wedding to plan. Thanks for the help though!” Bae cried back.
“Oh, and you’re invited by the way. Sorry about not inviting you to the last one.” IRyS added on.
“Yeah, sure.” Calli watched as the door to her house nearly flew off the hinges. “Just doing what an agent of death does, giving life advice at whatnot.” Still, getting married just so the two of them could get a divorce? She was pretty sure that was the exact definition of pulling the cart before the horse. Well, at least that nightmare was over.
“So, what was that I heard about a wedding?” Kiara peeked in from the open door to their house, her smirk sending shivers down Calli’s spine. “Guess we need to dress shopping, don’t we?”
Scratch that, her nightmare was just beginning.
…
And of course Bae chose Calli as her best man. She couldn’t blame the rat. If Calli herself was getting married, she’d likely also have Bae as her best man, or best girl. It would probably depend on Bae’s mood that day. That is if she was getting married. It was a really big “if” that she had no intentions of turning into “when”. But being best man meant she had to give a speech. Songs she could dish out any day of the week, but speeches were a monster she wouldn’t dare reap.
As she walked up to the podium in her red dress after Kronii’s speech, the time warden having been chosen by IRyS as best girl. Bae adjusted her suit as she faced IRyS in a wedding dress. Everyone from HoloEN was present, as well as HoloID since Ollie was insistent that she wouldn’t miss out on her daughter’s birthday. HoloJP couldn’t make it since they were busy and the fact that this wedding was literally done on a whim.
Steeling herself, she bit her nerves and started her speech. “Flowery language ain’t exactly my thing, so I’d think I’d die of cringe if I used the speech Kiara prepared for me.” Calli started as she pulled out Kiara’s speech. “It’s great, but just not my thing. I’m not one to mince words, so I’ll get to the point.” Calli took a deep breath and prepared for her impromptu speech.
“Bae, I know that age has very little meaning to us, especially since your age changes with every roll of the dice, literally. However, you are still my little sis, and I still worry about you. I don’t think I will ever stop worrying about you. But I trust you to make decisions for yourself, even if you’re currently 12 years old. I can’t say I will always approve of your decision, but I will support them. I’ll always be there if you need help, since well, death isn’t going anywhere. Despite my reservations, I’m happy for you, Bae.
And IRyS. Look after my sister, will you? I know she can be a handful, seeing as she is Chaos, but take care of her. I know you two get into arguments a lot, but be there for each other even when you do. Even if she’s a rat, she’s still my adorable little rat sister. I want the best for her.”
The wedding went on without a hitch. Bae and IRyS kissed. The wedding cake was brought out, which Mumei was oddly excited for, and now they were in the afterparty, sipping wine, or fruit punch in Bae’s case, and chatting like they usually would, as if nothing has changed. Calli could actually relish in the peace.
At least until Bae jumped onto the table, using her tie as a scarf and her outer coat as headband, with her pants not exactly all the way on, and started singing Play Dice at the top of her lungs. Ollie and Mumei began cheering her on while everyone else just watched in amusement.
IRyS noticed that some of Bae’s words were slurring and her cheeks were red but clearly not out of embarrassment. She went over to the punch bowl and gave it a taste. “Who spiked the bowl?”
“Oh I did.” Mumei answered innocently.
IRyS looked at Mumei for a second, then shrugged, as did everyone else. Not much could be done if it was the Guardian of Civilization that did it. Instead, the half-devil took out her phone and began recording her wife as the rat sang her heart out.
“Did they forget that they held this wedding so that they could get a divorce over a game of Monopoly?” Calli asked no one in particular.
“Come on Calli, it’s fine.” Kiara interjected. “Look at them, they’re having fun. You’re the only one worrying about that stupid stuff right now.”
“I know, it’s just, with all the marriages and divorces they’ve gone through, I can’t help but worry it might go wrong somewhere, you know.”
“I think you’re worrying too much.” The phoenix reassured the reaper. “Despite all the marriages and divorces they’ve gone through, they’re still together. IRyS is still IRyS to Bae and Bae is still Bae to IRyS. They still laugh at the same things and they still enjoy their time together. They’ll still be living in the same house and still bicker like an old married couple. No matter how their relationship is labeled, it’s not like their actual relationship changed. And they’re happy. What more can you ask for? Besides, did you really think the embodiment of chaos would have a normal relationship?”
Calli thought about it, and shrugged. “Fair enough.” At least there was plenty of expensive alcohol to go around.