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“Umm”
“Ummm…”
“What with all the ‘umm’s doctor?” Yaz asked, cutting into her thoughts.
“This place is familiar, but I can’t put my finger on why…” the Doctor continued to look around.
“Have you been here with another companion maybe?” Yaz offered.
A memory flashed in her head, a hand holding hers, the light pressure, and the singing of her hearts.
“Maybe- It is fun to bring you all to markets.” She tried wanting to give Yaz something.
But then she heard it and she froze.
It had been so long since she heard spoken Gallifreian, but she would know it anywhere. And this wasn’t just any voice. She knew this voice.
She knew his voice…It lived in the back of her mind.
Oh, how she wants to run over to him.
So instead, she hid behind Dan.
Using him as a kind of makeshift cover at first as she thought of what to do.
She knew in the right mind she should just turn and walk away like she was never here but- she can’t- she can’t do that to him again…
She stole a glance to see if he had noticed-
To see if it was really him- really was Koschei…
She watched him now by himself, at one of the booths trying to bargain with the alien running it.
She started trying to figure out what he was trying to get, that was until she saw he held a ring in between his fingers.
She accidentally let out a little gasp remembering this day now. Remembering the wonderful night that was yet to happen.
“Doctor?”
She looked up to see Yaz crouching down beside her trying to make eye contact, trying to figure out what was happening from just her face.
“Are you okay?” Dan looked over his shoulder at her.
“Shhhh-“She pulled Yaz closer so she didn’t give away her hiding spot. As if two people hiding behind another weren't standing out anyways. “Dan don’t move until I tell you”
“What are you looking for- are you looking at someone?” Yaz whispers trying to get in on the conversation.
The doctor peaked her head around Dan again to check to see if Koschei was done at the booth and left. But instead of seeing him walk away- She turned and locked eyes with him.
She sucked in a breath realizing her mistake, she whipped her head back around and hoped he made nothing of it. She acted as if this was normal.
She turned back around, trying to focus on Yaz, definitely not thinking, wondering if it was her imagination or not if she saw recognition and not confusion in his eyes.
She tried calculating how it would look if she ran away now.
She resisted the need to look back again- one heart wanting to see him while the other screaming about all the things she couldn’t tell him.
”Hi-“ a voice said in what was trying to be human English.
A chill ran through her spine and as she turned to look up at him, she found they were only centimeters apart, him having crouched down to her level as well.
So, now she was eye to eye with Koschei.
”Hi-“ she copied slowly just as if she had reverted back to a school child.
He beamed about to say something, when he stopped looking as if he swallowed that idea, but in just a moment he started again. “Doctor- now I take it?”
Her heart ached but she grinned back.
“Did I just tell you that?” She asked a little playfully now.
“Whispered it to me last night” He almost sang to her in a low voice. Maybe trying to tease.
The memory of that night was fuzzy, but it started to come back to her. they were still at the academy, so close to the end. She remembered being so scared and wanted above all to go run and hide. But she had made a promise to try and not go to the barn.
She remembered tossing and turning, and accidentally waking Koschei. He had whispered comforting words, before just getting up and coming over to lay next to her against her protests- but that night was the first night Kos came over and just held her.
They talked in murmurs for what felt like hours until they both drifted off.
She had felt so much trust in those moments she whispered the title she wanted, the title that she wanted to use so it would bring people hope and comfort.
Her smile fell partly. That night was so full of whispered promises, many were to be broken, many were to be broken by her.
He caught the falter and grabbed her hand pulling her up, arms moving to wrap around and support her.
She stammered, forgetting how well he could read her- forgetting how kind he once was- forgetting his hugs
She looked up to him, he was just slightly taller. He tilted his head forward a tiny bit, eyes on her as if asking.
She just leaned forward slowly and closed her eyes- there was so much she couldn’t show him, but still...
They did it anyway, and he lowered his head even more so they could touch their foreheads together.
She put up so many walls just to try and hide how many years stood between them. She limited it to just the feeling of the connection.
The mental image of the two of them settled to an image of them standing in red tinted grass, that stretched to the edge of the sky.
She just smiled at him, hands diving into her pockets, not knowing what to do with them.
It has been so long since she has done this too, so long since she has even seen his face. It felt so nice yet so painful
“My suns and days.” He whispered to her as he sent a comforting feeling through to her.
“My nights and stars.” She replied it was coming out rough somehow, scratching as it came out of her.
She walked forward and gave him a little kiss, a pack on the cheek.
She laughed a little “you are so young-”
It wasn’t his first kiss…but the first was only shared the night before.
The idea was still so fresh in his mind, she could feel it and she didn’t want to scare him. It wasn’t something Gallifreians normally did but she had wanted to show him.
It had been a rush decision, a way of telling him how much she cares, in a tradition from her favorite planet.
“And you've seen so much... I see someone told you not to die young.” He teases her.
She laughs at that “I have actually-“ She said a bit without thinking, feeling so calm around him.
He raises an eyebrow, head pulling back so he could give her a look.
She gives him a small, maybe a tiny bit sad smile. “Spoilers- I can’t tell you”
He scrunched up his nose at her “Was it the first time you regenerated? I promise I won’t interfere if you tell me '' He said, trying his best to make it sound like a tease. But she knew that it wasn't. She could hear it in his voice- he wanted to help- he wanted to know. And she knows him the best- he doesn’t joke when it comes to regeneration.
She scrunched up her face back at him. And she tries to grin a reassuring smile, now while pushing back, a little voice in the back of her head reminded her that neither of them ended up being there for their first regenerations… even though they had planned it so many times…
“I at this point have known you longer than you have known yourself” she commented.
He laughed at that, giving her a squeeze.
Just then there was a tap on her shoulder, it broke them out of their touching embrace, and she turned out of it to see Yaz and Dan with confused looks.
Oh yes, right she wasn’t alone
She looked at Koschei, trying to play it off as if she couldn’t tell him about the future and not, she couldn’t tell the people she was with about him.
She can’t tell them who he was or who he would become. What he has done and is going to do. He doesn’t even know that. and she especially couldn’t tell Yaz who he was. She wouldn’t know how she would react.
So instead, she gives him a teasing smiled at him and then turned back to her companions “He’s my first husband”
The arms around her tighten just a bit.
“Husband? Really! Wait first? Why first- wait! You- said yes! Will- say yes!” His mind scattered around a bit flustered.
She looked back to him, he was acting like an excited child, which he kind of is at this point. “Did you really think I would have told you no? And you think this is the only time we would” she said obviously leaving parts out.
There was a fake little cough behind her and she whipped around.
“Sorry, sorry. Not every day you stumble upon your first love” She stopped herself before she added ‘back when he was still in love with you’
“I didn’t even-“ She looked at Yaz trying to get her to stop, hoping she would get the silent understanding.
“Spoilers Yaz- He is still very young here. I say closer to you in age than me.”
That made Yaz stop for a moment, there was just something behind her eyes. Like her brain was trying to work it out, linking it to others things she had told her.
“Koschei-”
A voice called out in Gallifreian so only a few could hear.
“And that would be me-” she said sadly breaking away from his hold.
But before breaking away fully, she reached up to grab his face, just holding his cheeks in place. Slightly squishing them a bit. The fact alone that he was letting her do this made her smile wide at him.
And before he could say anything or ask any more questions, she quickly pulled his face closer to hers again, and with her closing throat she whispered in Gallifreian ”I am sorry” before she kissed his forehead. Fogging up this memory at least for a little bit.
He had even tried to pull back from her at the last second, guessing as to what she was planning. Maybe thinking she was still horrible at telepathy and worried for his mind, Not knowing in his soon future they will almost perfect it between the two of them.
And they would make a promise among those lessons after a little mistake, to not erase anything from each other’s minds…
-But she had too… She knows him and how his brain works. If she had left this memory as it was- he would replay it over and over even if he didn’t mean too- and she didn’t totally erase it, she just kind of locked it until he was older.
His arms loosened from around her as if he forgot she was there, and before they parted from each other for the last time.
In another mumble. “Now go find me a ring- and get embarrassed when I find you-”
She took the final step away letting him go one last time.
But this time she didn’t run, or turn her back, no she stayed in her spot with a knowing look hidden on her face.
She remembers the next part clearly now.
And she watches as Koschei, stumbling away bumping into people even, as he made his way back to the booth that was selling earthly objects.
She looked at herself from a long, long time ago. Walk up and touch his shoulder with a relief expression on his face.
Koschei jumped, dropping what he was holding back onto the table, and turned with a smile.
After that she looked back to her companions with a guilty face.
“First love-“ Dan asked, brow lowering, seeming like he knew the feeling. His hand twitching for his pocket.
She resisted adding ‘Only love-‘ to that.
So, she commented, “He could never just pass me by.”
"He seemed sweet,” Dan voiced slowly.
She gives a little sad smile looking down to the ground. The feeling of warmth that he had sent through to her, was still hugging her hearts tightly. “It makes me miss him- but that’s the problem of time travelers...“
They were silent. She wanted to say more like she promised but this was a touchy subject. And again, she didn’t know how Yaz would react- would she understand he was a different person when he was younger. Or would she run after him- how much does she remember from their few talks.
She looked up to see Yaz try to give her a smile “Well it sure did look like he loves you. I don’t think you have to question that.”
She nodded. Trying to push out the idea to try and find that old ring. The feeling in her gut grew stronger trying to remember the last time she wore it. Wondering if it would let her keep his warmth for a little bit longer. wondering if it would even fit?
“Alright who’s up for a different planet, you don’t want to accidentally meet a younger me, it's a bit embarrassing- actually a lot embarrassing.”
“For us or for you-” Dan teased.
“All of us, I couldn’t handle the idea of regeneration well, and I don’t know how to explain this all nicely to me.” She gestured to all of herself “And we wouldn’t want me trying to play 8 man bound again until I get to this face-“She was rambling now knowing she probably already lost them.
“Come along- there is always something else to show you.” She grabbed Yaz’s hand giving it a squeeze to ground herself and started off for the Tardis.
She looked over her shoulder as if to check to make sure Dan was following, and definitely not trying to steal one last look of Koschei and her younger self… of them looking happy together one more time.