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Dazai Osamu's stomach dropped, and for the first time in ages, his playful smile and snotty laugh disappeared from his face, instead widening his mouth with genuine surprise, followed almost immediately by a frown.
Dazai had been away, yes, but... But...
"How dare you do that?" he asked, his voice almost trembling with rage. His partner and co-worker, Kunikida Doppo, lifted his gaze from the report he was working on, with an eyebrow raised.
"Do what?" he asked, and Dazai only tightened his fists. How dare he have the audacity to ask that?
"Yosano-sensei told me about it," Dazai spoke. "The way you jumped off a helicopter and exploded yourself, hm?"
Kunikida's eyes widened, but his serious gaze returned a few moments later. "Nothing happened, did it?" he asked, fixing his glasses. "Now if you excuse me, I have work to do—"
Dazai shook his head, and leaned down on Kunikida's desk, their faces only a few inches away from each other. "You didn't know that." He hissed.
"Dazai, I swear to God if you don't—"
"Shut up!" Dazai barked at him, grabbing him by his shirt, and pulling him even closer. "Aren't you Kunikida Doppo? The man who says he’ll live for his ideals?" Dazai snapped. "What will happen if you dare to die for them?! Have you thought about what will happen to this Agency, huh?!"
Kunikida stared at Dazai with a shocked face for a few seconds, but he frowned quickly. He stood up, his head now a few centimeters higher than Dazai's. "So you get to critique my actions? What a joke, Dazai! I took you for an eccentric man, but never for a hypocritical one." Kunikida snarled, shaking his head, but Dazai only grit his teeth. "The Agency would've been just fine! And why do you care?! Your only worry is to bother those who are working! Like me, right now!"
"What do you mean, "The Agency would've been fine"?!" he yelled, knowing that there was no one around to hear him this late in the afternoon, allowing him to drop his smiling and playful facade. "It's impossible for the Agency to survive without you, you are the backbone of this whole organization. Do you see anyone else doing what you do?" Dazai spat directly into his face.
"It was the plan with the highest success rate at the moment," Kunikida defended himself immediately, stern eyes looking directly into Dazai's face, not amused at all by this worried act that he was putting on. "I had to save the others, and—"
Dazai huffed lightly, interrupting him, and tightened his grip on Kunikida's vest, for once his mind couldn’t find the words to perfectly express whatever he was feeling. There wasn't any sly act or fake smiles, but only crude emotions present in is eyes. He pulled lightly off his vest, throwing his head back, and started laughing bitterly.
"You're an idiot, Kunikida-kun... Killing yourself would've solved nothing." Dazai said, not bothering to lower his head to look at his face. "I don't care what you think, this agency would've fallen immediately if you weren't here... We all would have..." Dazai spoke. Kunikida's stern eyes widened for a second, surprised by such tone, one too soft to ever come out of Dazai's lips. "And I can't believe you fail to see that..." Dazai continued, turning his head while staring at him with furrowed eyebrows.
"Dazai—"
"You're a greedy man, Kunikida," Dazai spoke, dropping the honorific. He let go of his clothes and took a step back, with his eyes turned away from Kunikida "One greedy, self-centered, and egoistic enough to believe that his death by his ideals would be enough to save everyone else."
"I have never once believed that my death would—"
"Then why?" Dazai asked, finally turning his head and allowing Kunikida to see the expression on his face. "Why even bother killing yourself, then? Don't you love living here? Saving kids and living by your ideal?" he asked, not bothering on softening ihis voice, stern words dropping out like droplets in the rain.
Kunikida and him had been together as partners for almost three years now, and they've fought together and they know each other better than anyone else at the Agency. There was no room for pity or delicacy in such relationship, they were crude, direct, and never once have they tried to hide anything from the other.
Dazai Osamu wanted a reason to live, and Kunikida was aware of this fact. Not because he had told him, but because he had managed to understand even the tiniest amount of whatever was going on inside Dazai's head, catching all the glimpses of real feelings that sometimes slipped through the gaps of his fake smiles.
Kunikida Doppo had a reason to live, yet it was fragile, breaking constantly and living with the guilt of failing. Kunikida had never discussed his ideals with Dazai, yet he knew. How could he not, after witnessing them first handedly for years and years?
Such a relationship didn't need any proof, and Dazai thought showing sympathy would be insulting to Kunikida, and even if it was hypocritical, he didn't care.
"You are the one that is constantly trying to commit suicide." Kunikida hissed, shaking his head and slowly fixing his vest.
"That's different." Dazai was quick to add, looking at him with narrowed eyes.
"How, Dazai? How is it in any way different?" Kunikida asked with a scoff.
"I never plan on sacrificing myself for others," Dazai explained, turning his head away for a second to look out the window, returning his gaze to Kunikida just a few moments later. "I never dream of a noble sacrifice where I become a martyr for a beautiful cause, where everyone will clap when they tell my story and remember my name for centuries..."
"I never meant to—"
"I don't want to live, Kunikida." Dazai spat, making Kunikida's eyes widen lightly, and bite his lower lip. "It is a simple as that," he continued; Kunikida had to bite his tongue to stop stupid words from coming out of his mouth. "But you want to live by your ideals. To save everyone, but how can you do it when you're dead?"
"My actions allowed the Agency members to escape from the hunting dogs—"
"And then what?" Dazai continued. "You don't understand, right? Your sacrifice would've been useless. You might as well just have thrown the bomb to our friends yourself." Dazai spat. "It would've done nothing immediately, yet it would've exploded later, taking their lives."
Kunikida opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, and then frowned; Dazai continued.
"Even with that girl, Aya... you were completely determined to die for your ideals." he couldn’t help but to recall every incident. Every time that Kunikida had tried to sacrifice himself for something that, in Dazai’s eyes, is nothing but bullshit. “When the kid with the grenade on their neck died, official reports say you launched yourself at the explosion… See what I mean, Kunikida?”
"And why is that wrong?" Kunikida yelled, shaking his head furiously while gripping his fists. "My ideals are the rules that I live for. If I fail them, that means I have failed in living! You can't just come here and—"
"Because your ideals are impossible!" Dazai yelled back, throwing himself at Kunikida, and hitting him on the chest, making the two of them stumble and fall down, Kunikida sitting down and Dazai kneeling in front of him, hitting his chest softly. "You are not supposed to die for nothing... how are you going to be a martyr for a lost cause? That's why you call it ideal, it's not realistic... it will never be... specially in a work like ours, is it?"
"Then what am I supposed to do, Dazai?" Kunikida said, tilting his head as if not understanding a single word coming out of Dazai's mouth, like all this time he was simply spatting out nonsense. "Abandon it all?"
"There's a difference between preference and perfection..." Dazai said, his voice suddenly sounding more tired than what Kunikida realized earlier. There were bags under his eyes, and he was paler than usual; Kunikida could also see he was thinner and his clothes were now at least one size bigger.
How long had they been apart?
A few weeks?
Why did it feel like months, or even years? How did they cause such a change on Dazai's appearance? Was it even humanly possible?
And how was such a situation the last straw for their relationship?
Even if it was unavoidable, why were they having this exact conversation right now? They had always worked in harmony, knowingly, of course, but in silence. Kunikida ignored Dazai's hints of something else behind his facade, and Dazai ignored all of Kunikida's panic when something didn't go according to ideal.
Then why?
Why now, of all times?
"I knew someone..." Dazai spoke, and Kunikida opened his mouth wide. Dazai never talked about himself, or his past. What caused this change? What about this situation manage to— "They died because of preference... or at least what they thought was preference."
Dazai lowered his gaze, and Kunikida's hand twitched, almost as if it was trying to cowardly call for him, but he didn't dare to raise it and touch him.
"His preference was not killing. Avoiding it at all costs, but if mandatory he would not panic. Except that in the end, that preference turned out to be his ideals, and he ended up dying for it," Dazai spoke, and Kunikida couldn't help but to wonder why Dazai looked so sad at the moment, and if he was capable of such expression, why did he never show it?
Dazai stopped for a second, taking a deep breath. He continued: "You're going to die. Specially since you're already so determined to."
"Then what was I supposed to do, Dazai?"
"Live, Kunikida, live by a preference, not by ideals." Dazai spoke, almost as if it was factual. "Your preference would be like your ideal, without the hassle of hating yourself."
"I don't hate myself—"
Dazai interrupted him with a loud huff and shook his head, with a tired smile on his face. "What do you mean you don't hate yourself...?" He asked, so quiet that Kunikida knew that if they weren't this close, he wouldn't have heard a word. "You despise yourself for not being able to live up to your own standards." Dazai’s eyes focused on Kunikida's facade falling slowly, his eyes widening and his mouth opening slightly like he was surprised to hear those words. Even though it was impossible for him not to have heard them before. "Even if that standard is impossible..."
Was it denial? Ignorance? Or simply stupidity that kept Kunikida living by his ideals?
Dazai sighed and slowly raised an arm, his fingers gently touching his cheek and caressing his skin in an almost lazy movement. Kunikida swallowed saliva. "Why isn't it possible to save everyone...?" he asked, in almost a murmur.
Dazai's strokes hesitated lightly, but they continued just a few seconds later, when he tiredly closed his eyes and leaned forward, joining his forehead with Kunikida's.
"Because..." Dazai spoke, his voice sounding more distant by the second. "There are bad people in the world..."
Kunikida's breath stopped for a moment, and he opened his mouth, like he was going to say something, but he bit his lip, letting out suppressed sob instead.
Dazai didn't open his eyes, but instead chose to leaned ever closer, to the point where his entire body weight was almost completely on top of Kunikida's, and he could feel his disrupted breath on his lips.
"Then... why do good people pay for it? Why are innocent bystanders always the victims?" Kunikida asked. Dazai pulled back lightly and stared at Kunikida's face with pursed lips.
"I don't know..." he replied, and Kunikida sighed.
"I suppose you wouldn't..." Kunikida replied, looking down.
Dazai blinked a couple of times, and sighed. "Do you believe my words...?" he asked; Kunikida tensed for a few seconds, before almost immediately relaxing while avoiding Dazai's gaze.
"... yeah..." he replied, his voice almost completely inaudible.
"Then, can you promise something to me?" Dazai asked, his eyes focused on Kunikida's face.
The blond sighed, and raised his head, connecting gazes. For a second, the two of them froze, neither expecting to be so close, yet they weren't trying to move away, either. Dazai blinked a couple of times, his hand frozen on Kunikida's face, and he shook his head lightly, drawing back his hand.
Kunikida coughed lightly to the side, and threw a glance at Dazai, feeling his cheeks burning. "I-It depends..." Kunikida said, replying to the earlier question. Dazai stared for a second longer than he should’ve, before the corner of his mouth curved lightly into a lazy smile.
"Just... don't throw yourself at bombs anymore, hm?" He asked, tilting his head. Kunikida's eyes widened for a second, and he couldn't help but to laugh softly, his whole body relaxing.
"I have done that a few times already, haven't I...?" Kunikida asked, and Dazai hummed. Kunikida couldn't help but to stare lightly at Dazai's attributes, from his attractive face structure to his knowing eyes that just seemed to know every single thing about everyone around him; Kunikida's gaze lingered for a second on Dazai's chapped lips that were in desperate need of chapstick. They didn't look good, but for a second, Kunikida surprised himself with wanting to do nothing else but to crash them with his own.
Dazai laughed softly, and Kunikida raised an eyebrow.
"Well, do it." Dazai laughed, his smile widening while Kunikida's confusion only grew.
"Huh?"
Kunikida's response only seemed to amuse Dazai even more, who giggled softly, his face bathed in the sunset golden light that glazed from the window. "It seems you were thinking out loud, Kunikida-kun..."
Kunikida blinked a couple of times, before feeling his entire face flustered with embarrassment, a warm feeling settling uncomfortably on his stomach. "I-I... I-I didn't mean to..."
Dazai rolled his eyes at Kunikida's attempt at talking, and before he could even form a coherent sentence, Dazai had already leaned forward and crashed their lips together on a tired, slow kiss.
Kunikida's eyes widened for a second, and one could only assume it was amusing to Dazai, who deemed appropriate to smile in between the kiss while closing his eyes, deepening it.
Dazai is not ideal, he isn't an appropriate partner who follows all 58 conditions that I've written in my notebook…
For once, didn’t stick Kunikida in some sort of cage, and before he could even realize, he was kissing Dazai back, moving his lips in unison while pushing all of the guilty thoughts away.
Not an ideal.
A preference.
The kiss didn't last long, yet for Kunikida it felt like hours. The moment Kunikida started kissing Dazai, he had unconsciously thrown all of his ideals out the window, disregarding the shackles that only weighted him down.
Dazai pulled back, and stared at him with a wide smile, from ear to ear, that only made Kunikida's blush worsen.
Dazai laughed. "You're so cute, Kunikida-kun~~~" He sang, making Kunikida embarrassed enough to hide his face in between his fingers.
"You're evil..."
Dazai nodded. "And I'm not ideal."
"...and you're not ideal." Kunikida repeated, almost with relief. He stared for a few seconds at Dazai, before nodding lightly. "But... Well, maybe you are my preference... only maybe, though."
"...does that mean you like me...?"
Kunikida coughed into his hand. "...maybe..."
Dazai's eyes seemed to lighten at Kunikida's words, and before he could even realize what was going on, Dazai had thrown himself at him while laughing, saying nonsense at the air, and hiding his face on Kunikida's chest.
"I'm still an idealist, though!" Kunikida screamed at him.
"Yes, yes, of course you are...!" Dazai exclaimed, almost like he was going to burst with excitement. "I love you, Kunikida-kun, don't die!"
Kunikida wanted to immediately yell at him for telling him not to die while at the same time professing his love for him, but the moment he caught a glimpse of Dazai's genuine smile, with a hint of real relief, he could only smile back.
"I'm an idealist living in the real world..." Kunikida reminded him, and Dazai only shrugged, a wide smile on his face.
"And I'm not ideal, not in the slightest..." Dazai spoke, tilting his head from side to side, as if dancing to a silent song.
Kunikida leaned down, and placed a small kiss on the edge of Dazai's lips, quietly praying that his intentions were clear, and Dazai smiled, like receiving the other end of a silent promise.
A silent promise between the two of them, knowing very well that, even with nothing else but invisible words, their intentions were clear, their desires known to the other.
And nothing else but a glance, a nod, and their two lips connecting with a soft kiss, their promise was sealed.
And just like everything in their relationship, there wasn't any need for explaining…
Or at least, out loud.