Work Text:
It really wasn’t your day today.
So far you spent your entire shift very conscious of how little you were managing to breathe, maybe too conscious, since you barely heard the customer speaking to you over the counter. You could barely process their order, only putting together that they wanted coffee ( obviously , you work in a coffee shop for goodness sake) with either a bagel or a croissant. Or a cake pop.
You feel light-headed.
The script you struggle to get out of your mouth seems good enough to at least get the customer to step off to a table to wait, and you fumble to grab at the necklace Bo gifted you weeks ago to help you stim. It was really nice of him to do that for you, and you vaguely think in the back of your mind that you should thank him again, since it’s definitely going to keep you grounded that day.
Well it would’ve. If you had actually remembered to bring it.
The empty space around your neck feels wrong, and you start to feel grateful for your mask covering your face as you begin to nearly pant from the panic starting to set in. No, you knew this wasn’t just panic, you knew what was coming, but you needed to hold out. Your shift had only just started and your other coworker hadn’t shown up just yet, in two hours you could take your break and freak out then. You can’t do it now.
The universe seems to hate you at that moment specifically. Just as you got some semblance of a grip on yourself, the entrance jingled and Bo came through the door.
Any other time, you would’ve been ecstatic to see him, so much so that you usually stim right in public whenever he stops by, but right now? You could feel your knees buckling under you.
Bo approaches the counter, his eyes squinting up in a smile as he looks at you. He gives a small wave that you barely manage to return.
“Hey, sorry for the sudden visit.” he greets. Your ears ring with each word, and the hum of the machines behind you sounds like screaming. He says something else, but you can’t focus on his words at all over how loud the customers behind him were. You hear a man projecting his voice to be heard in his phone call, two women laughing amongst themselves about some sort of inside joke, and far too many people typing on the seemingly loudest keyboards known to man. Maybe you should’ve gotten a job at a library- which, of course, you can't, at least not that easily, you'd have to get a degree in library science, something that you didn't even know existed until you were looking for a new job to replace the last one you got fired from, but you could maybe volunteer and work something out-
“Sweetheart?”
Your gaze snaps back to him and his very concerned expression, and something in you is pulled way too taut; it ends up just snapping. Your knees buckle completely forward, and you can barely catch yourself on the counter before you fall to the floor completely. Your mouth is sucking in your mask as you audibly gasp for breath, your eyes blurring over completely with tears. It took all of you to not just wail, a part of you remembering where exactly you are and what you cannot do if you want to keep your job.
“Baby, hey, look at me.” Bo is talking softly, leaning in close to you. “Can you hear me?”
You try to nod but you can’t. It’s taking all of you to just hold onto that damn counter.
"C'mon, I'll take you home. We can call your manager later."
The rush in his voice and movements to get to you behind the counter makes you spike up, and before you can even think or get a handle on yourself, you're shoving him away, body in fight or flight mode. Bo barely even moves, more of just takes a step back in shock, and you have half a mind to keep shoving at him.
The entrance bell rings, and it's a loud, stabbing sound in your head, causing your hands to go flying to cover your ears, your knees finally giving in and making you fall straight to the linoleum floor. Bo catches you just in time, arms wrapping around your body, and you almost scream.
"You're hurting me, let go of me," you start to say, voice trembling to stay quiet. "Let go of me, stop it-"
Bo huffs from the effort to get your struggling body up, and you can feel people starting to stare. "I'm not hurting you, baby. You're having a meltdown." he says, his voice firm. He's trying his best to tuck your face away from the lights as he's walking you out, but you're having none of it.
"Stop touching- stop touching me-!"
"I will. I will as soon as we're in the car."
Every part of you that's in contact with him burns, it burns and it's not in the good way you usually experienced. It's not comforting or grounding anymore, it just makes you want to get as far away from every human and noise as possible. You're not in control of your arms at all, you can't stop them from hitting his chest, your head, anything they can to try and regulate and get the things hurting you out.
"Get off of me! Fucking- get the fuck off!"
Bo doesn't say a word to what's tumbling out of you, and you're barely aware of the fact that you left the building until you hear a car practically screeching past. You can't stop yourself from sobbing, you can't stop your arms from swinging to hit every part of yourself and Bo, you can't stop the world from being so goddamn loud and bright, you can't stop anything. You don't have any control over any of this and you just want to run off somewhere to hide away.
You feel your arms being pinned down to your sides and your body being maneuvered around, your sobs turning to shrill cries and protests until you feel yourself being firmly but carefully pushed into the back of Bo's car. You all but collapse against the seats, arms flying back up to your head, but they're quickly stopped before they can cause any more damage.
The door closes and jolts you for a second, the sudden quiet giving a sense of relief, but not enough to make your brain stop going haywire. The fabric of your uniform-approved shirt was still scratching you, the tag on the back you always forget to cut off nearly painful against your skin. Even with everything still attacking your senses, the calming smell of Bo's car was just enough to find your leverage. You slowly begin to process what's around you again, a smaller, familiar space making it so much easier for your brain to focus- less sensory input, you think to yourself, your head throbbing from your cries being so much louder inside the car. Bo's body heat beside you is prickling and you can't help but lean far away from it, stopped only by the grip one of his hands has on both of your wrists. He squeezes it for a moment, just to give reassurance and to let you know he's not letting go any time soon, and it gives you more comfort than it should.
"You're safe now." He says, gently and carefully taking off your mask.
You don't calm down for a while. A part of you thinks of how ridiculous you're being, sobbing like a child, and another part of you berates that part for saying that. You can't help it, everything you've internalized from those around you who didn't care to understand- it bites at you like an angry dog.
Without realizing, you've at least caught up with your breathing enough that you aren't gasping for breath, but your face still tingles and you feel uncomfortably cold.
"Sweetheart," Bo's voice makes you jump. "Deep breaths."
You automatically shake your head, not really knowing why. Bo lets out a short exhale through his nose, and he pulls you in just a bit by your wrists.
"I wasn't asking, was I?"
Hesitating, you shake your head one more time.
Bo pulls you even closer, just enough so he can lower his voice into a near whisper so as to not make you overwhelmed again. "Then do as I said, baby."
You gulp down one last frantic breath before trying your hardest to take a steady one, your lips buzzing and eyes falling shut to block out the rest of everything. Bo gives a small praise for that, his weight shifting and making his leg knock against yours. It feels akin to an electric shock, but your brain manages not to spike up again that time around as he apologizes.
You tug at your arms in his hold, and he pauses for a moment before releasing you, your arms dropping down limply. Your body follows suit; you land squarely on Bo's chest, making him grunt out in surprise. Without much of a word, he brings you into a tight hug and keeps his breathing slow so you can easily follow, his heartbeat thudding against your ear and calming your own. You feel sick from the whirlwind of everything.
The both of you sit there in a silence only punctuated by the occasional squeeze of his arms, your head not feeling so woozy anymore now that you have a hold on your breathing. Bo's heartbeat is lulling you into a sleepy haze, something your body desperately needs after expelling all of its energy in your meltdown, but you try to keep yourself awake, knowing you have to go back and finish your shift. The thought of going back frightened you, even if you knew rationally that it was quite silly to feel that.
Bo was very warm and comfortable though, and you were so very tired. You can't stop yourself from drooping down deeper, and before you realize it you've fallen asleep right on him.
You wake up with a bit of a jump a couple hours later, bleary eyes snapping open to see your bedroom ceiling above you. Panic immediately sets in as you realize you missed the rest of your shift.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," you say to no one, sitting up and pulling yourself out of bed before you can even find your proper balance. You realize you're in pajamas as well, and you start to tear up- you fucked up badly.
As you rush around the room to try and find your phone (why isn't it in the place it's always in?), Bo comes into the room with a box of something you can't really care about right now. You need to get your phone to see whether you still have a job or not.
Bo's arms come around you, and you make a noise of distress against it. You can't talk to him right now, you need to text your manager as many apologies as are professionally allowed-
"Hey, hey, honey." Bo speaks softly, and you tense up, not wanting him to see that you're crying again. "Deep breaths, remember? You're safe."
You try to catch your breath to speak, but it proves to be more difficult than he's making it seem. "I need- I n- I need my phone, where is my phone, I'm not at work anymore, I need my phone."
Holding you firmly to his chest, Bo presses a comforting peck to the side of your head as you stare ahead at the wall in front of you both, trying very hard to stay calm. "I took you back because you fell asleep, and you need the rest. I have your phone in my office because I was using it to call your manager."
You momentarily simmer down, but there's still a thick layer of anxiety clouding your brain. "Why?"
"I told her that you had to leave your shift early because of an emergency, and she said it was perfectly fine and that she could come in earlier, I was going to put your phone in its usual spot before you woke up." Bo starts to rock you side to side, emulating your own stimming to help you focus on his words. "I knew you weren't going to like this, but you need to be home for a while, you've been pushing yourself way too much."
Sniffling, you wiggled around in his arms to turn towards him, hiding your face away in his chest and blocking out the afternoon light. He's right, of course, you did not like this one bit, but you were too exhausted to fight it. You could barely muster up anything to say even as your mind flew at a million miles a second.
Bo kisses the top of your head. "I got you some of your safe food. Come eat with me in my office."
You shake your head at that, but you know he wasn't asking, and not having to make any decisions helps you immensely. He parts just enough to hold your hand and lead you away, grabbing the box from before off the bed as he goes.
You watch his back as he takes you and notice he was wearing one of his older shirts, the one that you two swap off to wear to bed a lot. He was the one who cut the tag off of it, while you were willing to just ignore it so you didn't ruin his clothes.
"It's not being ruined if it's helping you." He had said, newly bought seam ripper in hand and a very focused look on his face. Embarrassingly, you cried a lot that day, and to this day still get choked up whenever he does anything so thoughtful for you. It was nice to be treated like you weren't a burden, but you don't think you could ever shake off the inherent feeling that you are one.
You're directed to sit in the bean bag he bought for you ages ago, and you all but flop down into it. Bo watches you, chuckling as he bends down to hand you your food.
"I'm glad you're okay enough to pout, baby." He says. You furrow your brows as he flicks your lip down with a finger, not realizing that's the face you were making. "You don't mind sitting here while I work?"
You shrug, opening your box of food. He makes a little 'ah', and you look up at him in question. He has an expectant look on his face, and after a moment you remember.
"Kiss tax." He puckers his lips out as he says it, and you lean up to give him his payment, unable to hide your smile from how he was being. He thanks you and goes to sit at his desk, opening his own food he left behind and digging in as he resumes whatever he was last working on. You huff out a breath, making yourself take your first bite along with him since you know he would get rather whiney if you didn't eat, and take it upon yourself to watch his hands type to help keep you distracted. It doesn't entirely work.
In the back of your mind you know how embarrassing it's going to be to have to go back to work and explain everything, both to your manager and your coworker. It's not as if they're unkind. In fact, they're more understanding than a lot of other employers were, it's just…humiliating. Having to be taken home from work like a child being sent home early from school because you couldn't stop yourself from freaking out. You know, you know, a meltdown is not at all the same as a "freak out" or anything of the sort, but you can't help yourself from demeaning your own feelings. It's not a good habit, and you're working on it. It's just that some days are so much harder.
Bo taps his fingernail on the desk, the sound catching your attention away from your thoughts, and he's giving you a gentle look.
"I know that look. Come back down for me, sweetheart."
You press your lips together. It's almost annoying how well he knows you. Bo just goes back to his work when he sees you're out of your head, and you let out another huff, this one more complaining than before. You see Bo's eyes flick towards you as he's finishing whatever he's writing up, but he makes no comment, and you have half a mind to get your phone to make a complaint about him being too nice to you in your AAC app. A strange complaint, yes, but you didn't have anything else to complain about with him. He was perfect towards you, even when he made mistakes.
Bo suddenly snaps into attention and stands up, giving you a bit of a spook in your seat. He hurries out of the room without a word, and you're left watching the doorway in confusion, until he comes back with a chain dangling out of his hand.
Kneeling next to you, he gives a small grimace. "I totally forgot about this, the whole reason I came over was because you left it." He shows you the stim necklace, then rolls it between his palms to warm up the metal. "I know it's a little late to the party but…just so you can have it."
Undoing the chain, he carefully places it around your neck, fumbling to clip it all together again with such a tiny clasp. You shiver from his hands tickling the back of your neck as he gets it done, and you bonk your head on his shoulder in thanks when he finally gets it. He smiles at that, and you bonk your head on him again just because.
Moving to sit criss-cross, Bo's eyes don't leave you, even when yours leave him. It's usually you who's staring so openly, so you wait for him to gather his thoughts for whatever he's about to say.
"Do you think you should stop working?"
Oh. Well, that catches you off guard.
Snapping your gaze back to his, your brain immediately walls up. Why would he say that? This isn't the first time you've had a meltdown at work, this was just the first time he was there to see it. You put your food on the floor next to you, a frown on your face as you scan around the room for your phone. Bo catches on to what you need, pulling his own phone out and handing it to you, having the same AAC apps you do in case of emergencies. Pulling up what you need, you type in your response.
'I can work just fine. I just had a bad day.'
Bo purses his lips. "You've been having those a lot lately. I'm worried about you."
You huff, again, and type out another response. 'Sometimes they happen more often.' A short silence while you tap out something else. 'I'll be fine.'
"I think you should consider it." He presses. "You're burning yourself out. I make more than enough to support us both, there's no issue with money."
'It's not about that, I'm not going to quit.'
"At least think it over? I don't want you to be hurting yourself, baby."
You're starting to get frustrated. He's not getting it, and you can't seem to type fast enough . 'I need to have a job. I need to do this. I need to be independent. I need to do my own things. I can't rely on you for everything.'
Bo is hesitant, and his expression pinches. "You're disabled. It's okay that you're disabled."
You stare at him. You don't know why, but him saying that makes your stomach drop.
'I know.'
The two of you didn't say anything after that. He can see this is a point of contention for you, even if he doesn't fully understand why. You can lie and say you don't fully understand either, but you know exactly where all these sentiments come from. You wish it was easier to get rid of them all, especially because they didn't just hurt you, but the roots run deeper than you can reach right now.
Bo sighs and places a hand on your knee, rubbing his thumb over the fluffy fabric of your pajama pants. "It's your choice, I'm not going to make you. Just…promise me you won't force yourself even when you need to stop."
You look away for maybe too long. He's right in what he's been saying, you were never really fit for work in the first place, so it causes you more harm than good. You just aren't ready to accept that yet.
Placing your hand over his, you press one of the shortcut keys on the app.
'I promise.'