Chapter Text
It’s a Waitresses song that outs her.
Bruce is trying to synthesize some kind of lotion while the rest of the team sits around the lab complaining about the sticky gold paste coating their skin. Natasha and Steve had their backs against the wall, but the others weren’t even trying to give Darcy and Jane their space-- Clint had sprawled out on the floor like a starfish, and Tony wouldn’t stop pacing a line of tacky yellow footprints across the white floor.
They’d be in her way under the best circumstances, but whatever it was that they’d been affected by had done nothing to Thor, and he was distracting Jane from her sciencing as only Thor could. Darcy wished she could get her attention when it was time to eat that easily, but forcing a granola bar down Jane’s throat wasn’t an ‘Avengers Assemble’ level of emergency.
Because Jane isn’t doing anything more useful than scribbling unintelligibly on a piece of paper while she makes heart eyes, Darcy pulls out a stack of notes and begins to transcribe them with a feeling of deep resentment. Dealing with Jane’s hieroglyphics is something that Darcy avoids whenever possible, but at this point it’s Jane’s notes or the dishes in the lab sink-- and as those belonged to Dr. Banner, there was at least a 50/50 chance that they would do something weird to her if she touched them.
Darcy put her iPod on shuffle and started typing. As soon as she began to mouth the lyrics to ‘I Know What Boys Like’, Tony waggled his eyebrows.
“Oh, do you, Lewis?” He said, his tone so arch and suggestive that Clirt smirked.
Darcy looked up from the letter she was trying to decipher (it was either a ‘g’ or an ‘e’). “What?”
“Do you know what boys like, or is this just musical false advertising?” He gestured grandly. “Regale me with tales of your many spurned lovers.”
“I have nothing to regale you with.” She told him, turning the paper in front of her face in the hope that a different angle would make this scribble look like a word.
“Lewis, I’m bored, and I’m sticky, and I’m not allowed to touch anything.” Tony complained, pointing to the rest of the team with one thumb. “And I’ve already heard every anecdote these people have. Twice. I need something new. Tell me a story about your romantic exploits.”
“Should I tuck you in afterwards too?” Darcy asked, rolling her eyes. “No.”
“Cruelty.” Tony accused, “Here I am, feeding you, employing you, allowing you to do science under my roof, and yet you deny me such a simple pleasure… You’re a dark spirit, Lewis.”
“Tis not cruelty, Man of Iron. You request a favor the maiden cannot grant.” Thor interrupted, “As she has not yet bestowed her favor upon any man.”
Darcy stared at him. “I never told you that.” She said, wondering if it was that obvious. It wasn’t something she was exactly ashamed of, but she was 25. Definately approaching an age when it was weird and embarrassing to be a virgin.
“Mastery of thunder is but one of the ways in which my power manifests.” Thor informed her, smiling. “Fertility is also my domain.”
“So, what, I just look not-fertile?” Darcy asked, frowning. “I have a virgin smell? What?”
Thor merely shrugged, as if the explanation would be too complex to be useful.
She didn’t miss Steve’s suddenly blank and uncomfortable face. Great, now we're talking about my lack of sex life in front of Captain America, Darcy thought, but she didn't mean it. Steve was a good guy, and nowhere near as uptight as people thought he was. She would have rather not had him hear about it, but that wasn't because she thought he was judging her.
Tony glanced between Darcy and Thor with an expression that suggested he thought he was being punked. “I refuse to believe that.” Tony decided, “I mean, Darcy’s so…” He made a gesture Darcy’d had directed her way more than a few times, drawing a curvy woman in the air with his hands.
Jane was equally puzzled. “No, that can’t be right. I thought you said-- I mean, you definitely have--With that chemist?”
“Jane, once a guy starts telling everyone you’ve slept with him, there’s no point in denying it.” Darcy said dismissively. She'd learned that lesson the hard way in middle school. By the time high school had come around she’d developed an undeserved reputation-- but she’d also taught more than a few boys that the rumor mill was a double-edged sword.
“Aye, Heimdall spoke to me in the time that I was absent of the man and his false claims that in exchange for sharing your bed he bestowed upon you a superior evaluation.” Thor agreed, frowning, “Although we found your solution cause for much mirth.”
He leaned towards Tony conspiratorially, as if to share a private joke, but his voice carried to the entire room. “Although Darcy had received superior marks through her own merit alone, she agreed with his spurious assertions. Then made additions of her own that were such that, for the rest of his tenure, the foul liar found nary a female willing to be his companion. A most fitting retribution.”
He raised his voice, to address Darcy. “I had not spoken of it before, in deference to a maiden’s privacy, but I could not hold my peace while the Man of Iron maligned your character, innocent and jesting though his mistake was.”
“Well, thanks for defending my honor or whatever, I guess. I would have kind of rather you, you know, hadn’t, but,” She patted his arm to show there were no hard feelings, “You meant well.”
Thor’s brow furrowed. “You would prefer that others misconstrue your true nature?”
“Yeah, most of the time.” Darcy admitted. “My ‘nature’ is not generally popular.”
“Darcy, are you saying you really did get the highest score in your chemistry class?” Jane asked, and Darcy could see the genuine hurt under her confusion. “Why did you change your major? You said you switched because it was too hard.”
“It was too hard. Just not academically.” Darcy said, not wanting to go into the details with Jane. She was an attractive woman trying to make it in a science field. Maybe Jane had managed to miss some of what went on by being so absorbed in her work that she didn’t notice the rampant sexism, but she’d still had an uphill battle, and she hadn’t quit. When the going got tough for Darcy, she’d found a different course of study instead. Sometimes it felt like her whole life was an uphill battle-- sometimes she just wanted something to be easy.
Thor was nodding with understanding, though. “Yes, I heard also of your advisor, and his dishonorable behavior. It was fortunate that you were once again in possession of your portable lightning.”
“Profession Ludwig?” Jane asked, making a disgusted face. “He’s at least fifty. Is that why he had to have his pacemaker replaced?”
Darcy grinned, and Jane's eyes narrowed. She had the feeling a few people at their alma mater were about to get some strongly worded phone calls.
“Hey, fifty’s not old.” Tony protested, but without much weight behind it. “So, wait-- Lewis, are you like, an actual science minion? I always assumed you were more of a babysitter. You know, keeping Foster fed and watered.”
“While she is most attentive to my love’s well being, you would be remiss to believe that Darcy does not also contribute to the important work conducted in this laboratory.” Thor rested one hand on Darcy’s shoulder to squeeze it. “As ever, she is too modest to speak of her contributions, but rest assured that they are numerous.”
“Hmm,” Tony said, eyeing Darcy in a way that did not bode well for her workload in the future, “Okay, tabling that for now. So, the virgin thing-- is that what you’re going for?”
Darcy shrugged uncomfortably. “I don’t know. I’ve tried dating, but it’s like they’ve all already come up with this idea of who they think I am before I even get there.”
Tony frowned-- not as if he didn’t understand, as if he did and didn’t like it. “So, is that the only issue? You waiting for anything else?”
“The right guy, I guess.” Darcy smiled, a little embarrassed at the cliche.
“I did not know you desired romantic companionship!” Thor looked delighted. “I have often thought of men who might be fit to court you. You have but to express your wishes, and I shall find you one suitable.”
Natasha perked up to give Darcy a very thorough assessment. “Steve, you should ask her out.” She said decisively, once her perusal was over.
“I-- What?” Steve asked, then glanced at Darcy and turned red.
“No, I’m kind of liking it.” Tony interjected, sizing Darcy up in the same way Natasha had. “Not a cape chaser, or a groupie, but also not weirded out by it…”
“A ‘cape chaser’?” Steve said, giving Tony a stern look. “Tony, that’s-- you made that up, no one calls anyone that.”
“People totally call them that.” Clint disagreed, still laying on the floor. He had started applying his sticky hand to the counter closest to him to make what was both a huge mess and a reasonably good drawing of a dog. It looked like a golden retriever.
“The Captain would be a fine companion, but there are many who might seek your favor.” Thor told her seriously.
“Oh, competition.” Tony elbowed Steve and promptly got his arm stuck to the man’s abdomen. “You competitive, Capsicle?”
“Not really,” Steve muttered, but if the look on his face was anything to judge by, he was lying.