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It was a lovely morning Queepie thought as he began to wake up. “Good morning house.” He said enthusiastically.
“It’s three in the afternoon!” The voice of his older brother Dion shouted from the other tent.
“Huh, I really need to get my sleep schedule fixed,” Queepie said. “Oh well, time for my morning hot pocket.”
Queepie then got out of bed to get himself some breakfast (or late lunch in this case).
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to have my morning-” The boy then stopped in his tracks as he turned his head slowly to see something sitting on one of the barrels. The thing was a hot pocket, sitting perfectly still and as silent as a log.
Queepie stared at it for a few seconds before screaming for dear life and then running to his older brother’s tent.
“Wow, I thought that this Sega SG-1000 was gonna suck, but I'm having a lot of fun so far,” Dion said but was interrupted by his little brother’s screaming.
“DION!!!!!!” Queepie shouted as he then jumped on his brother, causing the both of them to fall off the side of the bed.
“Ow, oh god my head,” Dion said as he rubbed his aforementioned head.
“I think I landed on a nail, 'cause now my butt really hurts.”
Dion sighed before shouting at his youngest little brother. “Queepie, what’s the meaning of this?!”
“Oh, Dion, there’s a wild hot pocket out in the camp area.”
Dion just looked at Queepie, dumbfounded at what his youngest brother just said.
“A wild hot pocket? There’s no such thing you idiot!”
“Yes, there is Dion, they're vicious, evil little monsters that’ll hurt anybody that goes near them.”
“All right, no, I'm not gonna do this with you.” Dion just looked angrily at Queepie before continuing. “Just show me this wild hot pocket, then I’ll believe you.”
“Okay, but just be sure not to get too close,” Queepie said to his older brother. “Otherwise it’ll attack you.
“Whatever.”
--
Dion and Queepie then made their way outside to find this wild hot pocket.
“Okay Queepie, where is this so-called ‘wild hot pocket’? Dion asked his younger brother.
“Right over there, on the barrel,” Queepie said as pointed toward a barrel that did in fact have a normal-looking hot pocket on it. “Can you see how evil it looks?”
Dion looks at Queepie then to the hot pocket, then back again. “Queepie, you’re being ridiculous, that's just a regular hot pocket.”
No, it’s not, I swear. It’s a wild hot pocket.
“That doesn't look wild at all,” Dion said. “It doesn’t look any different, from any other hot pocket. It’s probably just one you left there by mistake.
“Dion, do you really think I would leave a hot pocket anywhere?”
“Okay, you had me there. but it’s still probably a coincidence, all right I'm gonna go touch it.”
“Are you crazy Dion,” Queepie shouted. “That thing will kill you.
“It’s. Not. A Living thing. Watch, I'm gonna go touch it.” Dion said as he began to head towards the hot pocket.
“Dion no, don’t do this!”
“See Queepie, Look how close I am, it’s not doing anything,” Dion said but was interrupted by the sound of a growling animal, but when he turned around, he saw no animals. Just the hot pocket.
Dion suddenly put two and two together.
“Did that hot pocket just growl at me?”
“Yes, Yes it did,” Queepie said.
The hot pocket then began to move closer to Dion “Oh my god. OH MY GOD!”
The next thing Dion knew was that he was being mauled alive by the hot pocket, Queepie tried to avert his eyes, but couldn’t as he watched his brother being torn to shreds.
The wild hot pocket then left Dion in a bloodied mess, claw and bite marks left behind as Queepie came up to him with what appeared to be a cup of water.
“Don’t worry Dion, I’ll use this wild hot pocket attack cure. It’ll cure any wounds caused by a wild hot pocket.” Queepie said as he began pouring the cup on Dion.
Suddenly all of Dion’s injuries seemed to magically disappear, in fact, he appeared to not have even been attacked by the hot pocket in the first place.
“Holy crap I'm alive!”
“The power of wild hot pocket attack cure.”
“Speaking of which, where did the wild pocket go?” Dion asked his younger brother.
“I'm not sure actually?” Queepie said as he began to look around, only to see the wild hot pocket right behind him. “Oh, there it is.”
The two then paused for a moment before screaming for dear life and running as far away from the hot pocket as they could.
--
For the past hour, the two had been completely silent as they were hiding in their family’s caravan. But that silence was broken when Dion then asked Queepie a question.
“So Queepie, that uh, wild hot pocket cure you used on me earlier does that work with any kind of injury or-”
“Oh, it only works with injuries inflicted by wild hot pockets,” Queepie said as Dion looked confused at him.
“That’s it?”
“Yeah.”
“...So if I were to get my arm cut off?
"No, it wouldn’t help you." Queepie said.
“But if I were to get my arm cut off by a wild hot pocket?”
“Yeah, it would help you,” Queepie said as Dion just began to get a confused look and question the logic of what his little brother just said.
“…Okay, that’s not only stupid, but that’s also beyond illogical.”
“I don’t make the stuff Dion, I can’t tell you why it’s like that.”
“Ugh, This is ridiculous we’re trapped in the caravan by a piece of fucking food!”
“A piece of food that an hour ago tore the skin off your face.”
“Well regardless, we gotta do something. This thing can’t stay here, it might hurt somebody else.”
Queepie then thought for a moment before coming up with a solution. “I know, let’s look on the internet about how we can fight wild hot pockets.”
“But I don’t have my phone with me though,” Dion said as Queepie then pulled out their solution.
“Well, it’s a good thing I’ve got my 3ds,” Queepie said as he pulled out his blue 3ds.
“You know, it’s funny, I keep forgetting they put internet browsers in video games nowadays.”
“I always thought it was stupid and pointless, but hey it may just end up saving our lives today.”
“Just to clarify, we wouldn’t be complimenting the 3ds for having an internet browser if my phone was here.”
“Oh absolutely not,” Queepie said as the two began to do their research.
“Okay, how to fight wildhotpockets.com, this looked good,” Dion said as he began to silently read before being interrupted by Queepie.
“Uh, I can’t read, can you read it out loud.”
“Ugh, fine.” Dion then began to read out loud. “It says here that the 100% guaranteed way to kill a wild hot pocket is getting it into your microwave and turning it on for two minutes.”
“Well, that sounds simple enough,” Queepie said.
But how are we supposed to trick it into getting into the microwave? Dion asked.
“Simple, we'll bait it with its favorite food.”
“What’s its favorite food?”
“The colors Brown, yellow, blue, and a lot of hair gel.”
Dion then looked at himself before realizing what was gonna happen.
“…Oh crap.”
--
5 minutes later Dion and Queepie began to put their plan into action.
“Okay Dion, are you ready?”
“I hate my life right now, but yes nonetheless.”
“Alright, first we gotta find that hot pocket,” Dion said.
“Oh, I see it, it’s over there sleeping on the chair!” Queepie said as he pointed to their nonna's rocking chair with the hot pocket on it.
“How can you tell it’s sleeping?”
"Well, it’s obvious just look at it, how is it not sleeping? "Queepie said as the hot pocket looked no different than before in Dion's eyes.
“…yeah, okay?”
“Oh by the way when you’re over there, throw this at him.”
Dion, then looked at what Queepie had in his hands. “Wha-, is that my copy of dark souls?
Yes, wild hot pockets hate frustrating video games more than anything,” Queepie answered, “This will make him chase you for sure.”
“Uh, okay, I’ll give it a shot,” Dion said as he grabbed the dark souls' case and started making his way to the wild hot pocket. “Okay, Here we go.”
Dion was soon faced to face with the sleeping hot pocket. “Okay Dion, get some nerve up man, do it for the Sega SG-1000 You're gonna play after this.”
“Alright, here we go. Hey, you stupid wannabe burrito!”
The wild hot pocket then got up and pointed one of its ends in Dion's direction.
“TAKE THIS!” Dion shouted as he threw the dark soul's case at the hot pocket causing it to hiss loudly.
“Uh oh”
The wild hot Pocket then began to chase Dion all over the campground as he was getting closer to where Queepie was.
“Queepie, microwave!”
Just as Queepie opened the microwave the hot pocket tried to lunge at Dion but he dodged its attack causing the hot pocket to fly into the microwave.
It let out one final hiss before Queepie slammed the microwave door shut and Dion set it to two minutes. Thus ending the hot pocket’s life.
“Queepie, we did it, we killed the wild hot pocket!” Dion Said Triumphantly.
“Job well done, Dion.”
“I couldn’t have done it without you bro,” Dion said as he high-fived his little brother.
“So uh, you think it’ll taste like any other hot pocket?” Queepie asked.
“I don’t know? Let’s find out!” Dion said enthusiastically.
--
2 minutes later Queepie and Dion both looked at the hot pocket with wonder in their eyes.
“Wow, that actually looks really good.”
“Smells really good too.”
“So, who gets the first bite?” Dion asked.
“I think you deserve the first bite, Dion. Because you were so brave throughout all of this.”
“Ah Queepie, I couldn’t have done any of this without you.”
“How about this, let’s both take our first bite together.”
“Alright, sounds good to me.”
“On the count of three.”
“One.” Dion started.
“Two.” Queepie continued.
“Three!” The two said in unison as they took a bite out of both ends of the hot pocket.
Queepie’s reaction to the taste was as if he could taste the clouds as if every hot pocket he ever had in his four years of life were combined into one delicious flavor.
Dion’s reaction, on the other hand, was the exact opposite as he tried to spit the taste out of his mouth. “Oh god, that’s disgusting!”
“You don’t think it tastes good?” Queepie asked.
“No, It doesn't taste good at all!” Dion said. “It doesn’t even taste like a hot pocket at all! It tastes like a wild animal we threw in the microwave!”
Dion then let out one last ‘Bleh’ before walking away.
“Oh god, keep the rest I don’t want anymore, keep the rest.”
“Huh, okay then. More for me!” Queepie said as he was about to take another bite of his hot pocket but was interrupted when his eldest sister Frazie suddenly appeared from the treetops.
“Hey, uh, I just heard Dion screaming about something that apparently tasted like a wild animal put in the microwave?” Frazie asked. “Whatever it is, can I try some?”