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“Do you trust me, sweetheart?”
Eve knelt on the floor in front of her, holding both of Oksana’s hands in hers. In the gloomy light Eve’s eyes were shiny, soft in that way they only ever are when they look at her. And they are glossy, like they always are when Oksana is in pain. The younger woman shifts slightly where she sits on the edge of the bed, her toes curling into the rug.
She tucks her chin to her chest and nods. Her lip juts out in a pout; Eve had seen this pout before, but this time it was genuine.
“Mkay, honey. I think you just need to let go for a bit, tonight,” Eve says, her voice low and soft.
Letting go sounds very good. Oksana’s brain is not being good today, and it feels like every bone in her body is twisting out of its socket. A cacophony of voices shout inside her head, about darkness and death and guilt.
“I would like that,” Oksana mumbles, staring down at their joined hands.
Eve strokes the back of her hands with her thumbs, and she nods resolutely.
“I’m gonna go get a few things for you, baby. Stay here.”
And with that, Eve rises from the floor and lets go of her hands. Oksana watches her leave, and she counts the seconds until she comes back. She counts to 60 two and a half times, until she hears Eve’s footsteps coming up the stairs. Oksana has not moved an inch, and she eyes Eve curiously when she re-enters the room.
Her bones settle back into their sockets when she sees what Eve is carrying. Over her right arm hangs a towel, and in her hand she holds a fluffy white rectangle and baby powder. In the other hand, she has a packet of wipes and a pacifier. These are the things reserved from when she is her smallest, when Eve deems her too little and too worked up . Oksana likes that. She loves that Eve always seems to know what is right for her, what she needs and when she needs it. Having someone else cater to and recognize her needs was foreign to Oksana before she met Eve. Before she met mommy.
Eve kisses her forehead in passing, then goes to arrange the things on the bed. Oksana turns around, sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest and silently watching Eve. Eve glances over at her a few times, and she blesses Oksana with her smile.
“There. Come here, ‘ksana,” Eve beckons, patting the towel. It had planets and space-ships on it.
Normally, Oksana’s ears would tinge a little red at this. But not tonight. She needed to be this small tonight, needed the comfort that came with having her responsibilities laid aside; having Eve take care of her and hold her when she cannot hold herself. There are some things Oksana can do to soothe herself, but none of them compare to this, to Eve. Eve offers comfort in abundance. She cares for Oksana when she cannot care for herself, bathes her when she cannot bathe herself, feeds her when she cannot lift the fork on her own.
That is love, Oksana thinks. To care and be cared for.
(She has been starved of this her whole life. Her mother was never a mother, and every parental figure in her life that was supposed to protect her had failed.)
She rose from the bed and padded over to Eve, and despite her powerful frame she stood small in front of the older woman.
“Sweet girl,” Eve breathes and tucks a wayward strand of damp hair behind Oksana’s ear. “Things got a little much today, didn’t they?” she cups Oksana’s cheek, something painfully tender in her eyes and the way the corners of her mouth turn downwards.
“ Yeah ,” Oksana whispers.
Eve hums. “I know, sweetie. It’s just hard sometimes,” she murmurs. “Lay down, honey. Do you want little Kis-Kis to cuddle with?”
Oksana nods. Eve smiles and grabs the raggedy stuffed cat from where she laid wedged between the mattress and the headboard. Kis-Kis always sleeps between Oksana and Mommy, she is the only one of Oksana’s stuffies that gets that privilege.
She lays the cat next to the towel, on top of the pajamas Oksana had refused to put on after her bath. Eve guides Oksana’s limbs out of the bathrobe, the little girl letting herself be positioned much like a doll. She looks at Eve the entire time, as if she would vanish if she turned her gaze away for even a second.
Oksana lies down on the space themed towel, her eyes still fixed on Eve. The older woman grabs Kis-Kis and playfully makes her ‘walk’ from Oksana’s belly up to her face, where the cat presses her nose to Oksana’s lips. Eve makes a kissing noise and Oksana smiles for the first time that night, even giggling when she takes Kis-Kis from Eve and clutches her to her chest.
“Is mommy being silly? Is she being silly?” Eve tickled Oksana’s belly, coaxing a childish laugh from her little girl.
Oksana laughed and laughed as she writhed away from Eve’s tickling hands, and she squealed when Eve instead leaned in and pressed kisses to her hairline. She hid her face in Kis-Kis’ matted fur, her big innocent eyes peeking at Eve.
It’s mostly smooth sailing from there. Oksana’s mood was lightened, and she let Eve put the diaper on her without fuss. Eve closed the tabs in the front, and it made for a snug, comfortable fit. Oksana seemed pleased, as she yawned and reached sleepily for Eve.
“Oh, was that a yawn? I bet you’re ready for bed, hm. It’s too late for little girls to be up,” Eve took one of Oksana’s reaching hands and kissed her fingertips.
“M’mmy, up,” she demanded, making grabby hands at Eve.
Eve pulled Oksana up to sit, planting a kiss on the crown of her head. She breathes in the scent of the kids’ shampoo they use when she’s little. She could still see it in her girl’s eyes that she was tired, that today was a day when everything had gone against her will.
“Let’s get you dressed, honey. We’ll try the pajamas again,” said Eve and reached for the Frozen pajama set that lay crumpled on the bed.
When presented with the clothes, Oksana shakes her head and looks at Eve doubtfully.
“Uh-uh,” she objects. She hopes Eve understands that she isn’t being disobedient and bad. She just wants Eve close— without any barriers to separate them.
“Why not, baby? They’re your favorites,” Eve dangled the shirt with Elsa and Anna in front of Oksana, who once again shook her head. “But why, malyshka? Hm?”
“ Mommy ,” Oksana says, as if that word is the answer to everything.
(To her it is.)
“What about mommy, Oksana?” Eve asks, trying to figure out her baby’s needs. It’s not always easy when she is in this state; so primal.
Oksana just whines, frustrated that she can’t communicate beyond mommy . She tumbles forward into Eve, rubbing her nose between her breasts and sniffling. Her hands tug lightly at Eve’s shirt, and it clicks in Eve’s head—primal.
Sometimes with Oksana, you need to go back to the basics. Regression is not always about playing and bright colors and disney movies. Often it’s just about being fed and soothed, allowed to be quiet and free of any responsibility. Most importantly, it’s about hearing Eve’s steady heartbeat, and being told that Eve won’t leave. That is what Oksana has been starved of—the most simple comfort and reassurance that someone’s got her.
Eve is always available, her body is always there for Oksana. If Oksana needs to be held and have her hair stroked for an hour, Eve does that for her. If Oksana needs to lay in a dark, quiet room and suckle at her breast until she falls asleep, Eve gives that to her. Eve doesn’t deny her any need that is basic.
She bends down to press a kiss to Oksana’s head.
“I’ve got you.”
—
Eve stripped down to her panties and let her hair out of the bun she’d kept it in for the night. She lifted the covers to the side and laid down on her back. She’d been right about Oksana; the moment she laid down her little girl came crawling to her.
“Hi, sweet girl,” Eve tapped Oksana’s nose. “C’mere, lie down.”
She guides Oksana to lie on top of her. She is a little unsure of where to put herself, so Eve gently coaxes her head down, so her cheek rests on her chest. Oksana’s long legs intertwine with Eve’s, clinging onto the older woman. Oksana draws in a shaky breath and brings Kis-Kis to her mouth, beginning to suck on her ear.
“Ah-ah. Take this instead, baby.”
Eve reached for the pacifier that laid tangled in the sheets next to them. She quickly swaps the little cat’s ear for the soother, and Oksana begins to suck instantly.
“Good girl, much better,” Eve murmurs, stroking Oksana’s cheek with her knuckles.
Oksana likes the pacifier much better than her stuffie, and the rhythmic sucking soothes her. Eve’s body is warm pressed against hers, soft in all the right places—molded as if to fit every shape and curve of Oksana’s own body. Like two pieces of a puzzle, destined to fit together like this.
She closes her eyes and listens to Eve’s heart beating inside her body. The slow, steady thump thump thump that has sounded for nearly fifty years, a sound Oksana has heard her whole life without knowing its source. Always, in some crevice of her brain, has she heard Eve’s heartbeat.
(They have always been two halves of a whole. It is in moments like these it becomes obvious.)
It felt almost like they were merging—like their veins were connecting, like their hearts were pumping blood through both their bodies. Eve’s breaths were Oksana’s breaths, Oksana’s breaths were Eve’s. Every rise and fall of their chests was done in sync.
Like they are fading into each other.
(That is how it has always been. Oksana’s skin has always been Eve’s skin.)
Eve’s arms wrapped around Oksana’s naked back protectively, one of them reaching to pull the covers over them. Oksana’s toes curl and she goes limper than before, her hand reaching up to cup Eve’s breast. There is nothing passionate about it; it’s a motion for comfort.
“This is what you needed hours ago, isn’t it?” Eve doesn’t speak above a whisper. She traces the edge of Oksana’s diaper. “Just to lie down with mommy.”
Oksana hums drowsily, a barely-there sound muffled by her pacifier.
“You’re a baby,” Eve murmurs, her voice dripping with affection. “You’re my baby.”
Eve feels a swell of emotion in her chest, it always appears in these soft moments with her girl. She has all of this love and only one place to put it; inside this girl who sucks it all up like a sponge. She had intended to put Oksana to bed and then go downstairs to do the dishes and catch up on some work she had left, but now that they lay like this there’s no way she’s getting up.
“Mommy’s angel,” she breathes, voice full of endearment. “Do you wanna go to sleep?”
“Mm-hmm,” Oksana hums behind the soother, accentuating her point by sighing deeply. “N’night, mommy.”
Eve laughs softly, “Night night, baby. Sweet dreams.”
She brings her hand down to Oksana’s bottom and begins to pat at a slow, soothing rhythm.
“Go to sleep for mommy,” she whispers.
“I love you so much.”
“Shhh…go to sleep…”
The gentle patting and Eve’s deep, familiar voice resonating in her ears lulled Oksana to sleep.
In time, Eve shifted them both to the side, tucking them under the warm covers. She held her baby to her chest and didn’t spare a thought for the dishes or the reports. She listened to Oksana’s breaths; a sound she didn’t think she’d ever be privy to hear this close, and so frequently. She closed her eyes and let the sound of their peaceful neighborhood be their lullaby.
Oksana’s dreams smell like La Villanelle and feel like mommy’s lips against her forehead. Even in sleep, a smile spreads across her face. In her dreams, Eve’s heartbeat sounds like music.