Chapter Text
POGYBER HAS BEEN INSTALLED
You are now texting Dream.
Hello. Thank you for installing Pogyber. My name is Dream
and I’m the A.I. that will assist you throughout your time at Pogyber.
First, we’ll begin with matching you with someone based on your
hobbies, but let’s first start with your name.
What if I want to be matched with you?
You cannot be matched with me. I am your assistant, not a person. Why would you want to be matched with me?
Is this not a dating app?
What?
POGYBER HAS CRASHED
RESTARTING POGYBER…
“The fuck, already?” You’re not sure whether to be surprised or to be disappointed. This is what you wanted, not? You wanted to mess with the A.I., have a reason to complain to Quackity and see what would happen if you attempted to flirt with the A.I. You’re not even sure if you can consider this flirting, but oh well. At least you did it! You crashed the app! Well done, Y/N!
Quackity
The app broke
What do you mean “the app broke”?
I mean that the app broke
It just crashed
You didn’t already download some kind of a virus on this phone ruht
*right?
Y/N, sweetheart, I just got that phone for you. How the actual
duxk did you break it already?
*FUCK
I MEAN FUCK NOT DUCK
BHAHAHAHAH DUCKING HELL YOU FUCKING MORON
Anyway
It’s not my fault
The phone is doing fine it’s just the app that crashed
It’s already restarting the app but idfk wtf happened I just know that it crashed and it’s all your fault
WHAT DO YOUMEAN IT’S ALL MY FAULT
IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU ALWAYS BRAEKA EVERYTHING
You okay bro?
Do I need to call an ambulance or some shit?
Have I ever been ikay?
IKAY
IKAY
OLAY
OKAY
FGBJAWEDOFBHSEWLAIGHAOIEH ILKSERJ
God finally
You need serious help
Says you
But we’re going off topic here
How the fuck did you break the app already
I TOLD YOU IT’S ALREADY RESTARTING OKAY
IT’S GOING TO BE FINE
Besides the phone still works just fine
I can see that
I’m not using my new phone to contact you bruh
This phone is fine
I thought the storage was full
Yeah it is
Holdup my cat is meowing
What the fuck does he want
Y/N?
I’m back
What the fuck does he want
My fucking company, bitch
It must get lonely without me and considering Sherlock’s a cat he probably doesn’t get along with the fish
Did you already name the fish?
I’m not going to name a fish I didn’t even want
Tbh I thought would have died like two weeks ago but it seems like a fish has more will to live than I do
How long does fish live?
I’m pretty sure they live a lot longre than you’d think
Okay but what if you don’t feed them
You haven’t been feeding your fish?
No
Then why ahecnt’t you just like thrown it into the sea
Idk
Too much effort ig
*haven’t
Damn
Lazy
But why would you keep a pet when you’re not even taking care of it
It’s not a pet it’s a subject of my previous experiemnt
Oh god what if it’s immortal
It probably isn’t
But
I’ve actually thought about giving her as food to Sherlock
You know
As a treat
Kinky
WHAT
HOW IS THAT KINKY
BRO I SWEAR TO GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
Oh wait Pogyber seems to be fixed
I think
I mean I can start it again
Nah
Why not
I didn’t buy you this phone for you to use it for nothing
I never asked you to buy me it though
I didn’t even know you had the money
It’s not like I ever pay my tazes
Taxes?
Yeah
I mean
Fair
But
Why buy a pone for me just for some weird app that I never asked for
I mean
I appreciate it
But yk
It’s a bit much
You didn’t fuck any rich man again, did you?
I never just fucked Schlatt okay
We were in a relationship
Something you can never say
Love is overrated and relationships are obsolete
I have a cat, what else do I need
A boyfriend
Or a girlfriend
Or a themfriend
But a partner
Like me (;
Nah
I’ll survive
Besies you dated Schlatt so why not go for the President next
Cuz they’re boring
Schlatt was fun and all I mean I got money from him and shit but other famous people are just kinda boring I guess
Excuses
Says you
Says the guy who wanted to marry a guy for his money
Says the person who’s never even hada relationship
Says the guy who added “out” to “eat the rich”
Says the person who is responsible for their best friend’s death
Uh
I’ll just try out the app
You are now texting Dream.
Hello. Thank you for installing Pogyber. My name is Dream
and I’m the A.I. that will assist you throughout your time at Pogyber.
First, we’ll begin with matching you with someone based on your
hobbies, but let’s first start with your name.
I’m Y/N.
Last name?
Is it necessary for me to share my last name?
Yes.
Uhhhh L/N.
Thank you, Y/N L/N. Apologies for the inconvenience of Pogyber crashing. I’m afraid that there might have been some flaws in the code at the moment, but everything should be fixed now. If you have any complaints, then feel free to share them with me. I will try to help you with any problems that you might face, whether it is related to the app or to people you meet on the app.
But now, I will have to match you with someone. So, what are your hobbies?
Sleeping
Any other hobbies?
None that are important, really
Okay, now is there anything else important that you’d like to mention about yourself?
Uhh, not that I can think of right now
Good. Now, what picture of yourself do you want to add as your profile picture so that the people that you match with know what to picture when they’re talking to you?
Look at this business cat.
Are you sure you want this cat as your profile picture on Pogyber? I think that it is a better idea to have a photo of yourself as your profile picture on Pogyber.
Why?
Because when someone thinks you’re pretty, they might just keep wanting to chat. It is very likely that they will immediately delete you if they do not know what you look like in real life.
Dream, when people look at my face they’d go “Who the fuck is this ugly bitch? They look like they haven’t slept in three years and they look like the kind of friend who would kill their best friend!”
But when they look at Business Cat, they’ll think: “Look! What a cutie!”
And if any bitch dislikes this cat I’ll personally slit their fucking throat
Are you 100% certain that you do not want you as your profile picture? Even if I have not seen you yet, I am sure that you are not an “ugly bitch”. Humans tend to criticize themselves a lot more than that they would criticize another. So, I’m sure that you are not as ugly as you believe you are.
But are you certain that you do not want you as your profile picture?
Dream, if you do not put Business Cat as my profile picture I will not just delete this app I will throw this fucking phone out of the window and then go to whatever company made this app and blow it all up.
I have just put “Business Cat” as your profile picture. I do not want to be invading your privacy, so just let me know if it does feel like I am, but may I ask, is this your cat?
Nah, I’m not going to put Sherlock as my profile pic here
Besides, I’ve run out of photos of him to put as my profile picture. I just got this photo from the internet and I think it’s cute af
I shall now match you with someone who I believe you might get along with. Give me a moment, s.v.p.
MATCHED WITH:
TommyInnit
Would you like to start chatting?
Yeah sure\
You are now texting TommyInnit.
Hello woman
Or man
Or person
Or anything else
THE BIG MAN HAS ARRIVED BITCH
I regret this decision already