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It takes everything in Sehun to not kiss Junmyeon.
To not grip his face in his hands and rub his thumb across those cheeks he couldn't get out of his head. To pull him in- in front of their families- and connect their lips because God, he'd missed Junmyeon so bad.
He hadn't even been gone- not fully. He would still come back from his duty every night. Would still curl into Sehun's chest after each sunset and turn around to kiss him every morning.
It was only like he'd been working a 9-5 job, but Sehun couldn't escape the heartache seeping from his limbs every time they had to leave each other.
It was hell, but here Junmyeon was, across the room in their kitchen, talking to everyone, being a great host even though this whole thing was supposed to be a party for him.
He wouldn't be going anywhere, not yet. Not so soon. They would be able to talk all day, Sehun would have the opportunity to bring him on set and pull him into the bathroom stall when he remembers that specific, unwavering feeling of loss and that he doesn't have to again for a few more months.
It takes everything in him to not cry.
Because Junmyeon is back and Jongin totally would laugh at him and say, "He never left.".
It's then when he feels a push into his side. He looks over and sees the said male looking smug.
"What, are you making yourself sad again?" the older teases. "Junmyeon hyung is here and you're standing across the room moping about the past when he wasn't. During a party, no less."
Sehun rolls his eyes to look back at Junmyeon. "I'm not moping," he clarifies. "Just thinking." Jongin only laughs again.
"Yeah, about how much you can mope without it being seen as unacceptable. Not very much by the way," he laughs. Sehun only pouts in response.
The two sit in silence, watching as Junmyeon seemingly glides across their apartment- a nice one in Seoul where they can hear the cars pass and the Noraebang rooms blast throughout the night.
"Do you ever think about it?" Jongin starts up. Sehun jolts only a little because aside from the party playing out in the background, the atmosphere had been mostly silent.
"Think about what?" Sehun replies. He already knows, and it's been why he's been moping for the past 30 minutes.
"It's crazy, right?" Jongin only continues because he knows Sehun already knows. He knows that's why he's been in the corner not clinging onto Junmyeon as he normally would. "That we get them back for a while and we have to go so soon."
"It's sad," the younger agrees. He sees Junmyeon's mom coming up to him from the corner of his eye and excuses himself quickly. He's only somewhat thankful for the distraction.
"Sehunnie!" his mom cheers. She smells like lavender and soap from afar so Sehun breathes deeply when she pulls him in for a hug.
"Last time I saw you was Christmas Eve. How are you doing?" she asks with a bright smile that resembles Junmyeon's in a painstakingly familiar way. The male smiles warmly as he responds.
"Great, Mrs Kim," he answers. "Better now that Junmyeon's back." Mrs Kim chuckles. She smiles at him so knowingly that he has to look away for a second.
"You and I are so alike," she laughs. "Only you've gotten my son the whole year. I can hardly remember when he used to belong to me," she jokes. Sehun laughs at that. It's nervous but genuine and he hopes she can sense that.
"I promise to bring him home, Eomeoni," he says through his laugh. Mrs Kim smiles again and flutters away as she glides in the same way Junmyeon does.
"He always is," she says warmly while she removes the hand she had just put on his arm.
-
"I'm so tired," Junmyeon groans, reaching back to rub his shoulder blades.
Sehun looks at him fondly. The scene is so simple, but Junmyeon is in his sweatshirt- the one he loves because it smells like him, or so Junmyeon says.
Junmyeon catches him staring and cocks his head. "What?" he asks. Sehun is pulled out of his reverie and smiles softly.
"Nothing," he replies. He slinks up to behind Junmyeon and wraps his arms around his waist. He inhales deeply. "I missed you," he says. The shorter laughs quietly.
"I never left," he reassures. He knows Sehun's not looking for something big, he just needs to be reminded that Junmyeon has always been his. That for the six years they've been together, there's nothing he wants more than to be in his arms. So he does so. He turns around in Sehun's hold and pulls his head down. He slots his lips against his and hopes the grip on the other's neck conveys his desperation.
He hopes that his feelings show on his sleeve, that his heart is plastered on his forehead, and that his adoration is written in the fingers he has dancing across Sehun's skin.
The sun is setting through their window and Junmyeon has never wanted more.
He takes what Sehun gives- always everything- and holds him with his all.
They fall back onto their bed and Junmyeon laughs into the kiss.
-
That morning Sehun wakes up, he opens his eyes to see Junmyeon's bare shoulder peeking out from under the covers. The older is always cold so he never likes to have his skin exposed to the air in their room so early.
Sehun pulls the covers over him and slips from under them carefully.
His walk to the kitchen is slow. He realises that he can take his time this morning. Junmyeon has nowhere to be and Sehun doesn't either. Their schedules are clear and they have each other. They can love all of each other for the whole day.
Sehun is so wrapped up in his thoughts that he doesn't hear Junmyeon pad into the kitchen and doesn't notice until the other wraps his too small frame around the other's large one.
"It's cold, Sehunnie," he whines. He's wearing "his" favourite sweater again and after all the years, Sehun still can't understand how something so large can't keep the older warm.
The younger turns himself around at the same time he spins them around so Junmyeon is pushed up against the kitchen counter. He wraps his large arms around Junmyeon and rubs his back in an attempt to warm him up.
"I was thinking," the taller begins. "We should go out today," he finishes into Junmyeon's neck.
"Where?" the other prompts. Sehun hadn't even thought that far. He just knew that there was a small velvet, black box in the back of their closet that had been nagging at him for the past two weeks.
"Anywhere you want," the younger decides. He wanted today to be perfect, to celebrate Junmyeon in every way he knew how.
-
"The aquarium? Really?" Sehun raises his eyebrow at the building they'd already been to twice this month. Junmyeon pouts for the second time that morning and Sehun's heart melts in the same way it always does.
"You said I could choose!" he shouts indignantly. Sehun chuckles at his yell and grabs his hand and brings it to the gear shift between them.
"I didn't say anything bad, I enjoy it here," he replies truthfully. Every time they walk down the halls together Sehun is reminded of stolen kisses next to the prawn and quick moments where they bring their fingers to brush against each other.
"Good," Junmyeon says as he sends a final text to Baekhyun. "Because we were going to stay regardless," he adds, pocketing his phone and getting out of the car.
-
The whole day, Sehun's chest is beating wildly in his ribcage. It pumps with blood and anxiety and it feels like every time he remembers the little velvet box weighing his pockets down, it beats faster.
He enjoys the day thoroughly, but it's hard to show it when Junmyeon accidentally brushes his fingers against his right pocket and he doesn't calm down until he remembers the box is in his left.
He's sure Junmyeon has noticed his behaviour by now. The older notices everything about Sehun. He's had the chance to memorise the patterns of his eyelashes throughout the years and can trace the outline of Sehun's smallest birthmark on his shoulder with his eyes closed.
But he doesn't say anything. He pulls Sehun along throughout the arctic animal exhibit and takes a break to pull him around the corner and whisper how much he loves him into his lips.
Sehun closes his eyes like if he opens them, the moment will fade away and whispers like a prayer, "I love you."
*
Sehun never says "I love you too." He's too sure Junmyeon knows Sehun would love him even if he didn't. But he still says it without the "too" to let him know that's the case if he doesn't already. He whispers it like a plea and prayer all at once and calls every emotion from the bottom of his gut to spill out like bile and it's such an ugly comparison for a feeling so beautiful.
When they hide in closets during music shows, Sehun whispers his "I love you"s like he's shouting. The breath he lets out is always warm like he was holding it in too long.
He just hopes Junmyeon understands he has been. That he holds in his three words like a secret. Like a confession is tumbling from his lips, and Junmyeon is a priest.
*
By the time they get home, a new sunset has painted the sky, different from the night before.
The last one was purple and pink, like an angel was enamoured with them, but tonight, the sky burned like the end of the world was near.
It's red and orange, and the sun is blazing like it wants to take them all. Like it wants to swallow them all like a feast.
Sehun thinks the comparison is fitting.
-
Sehun has been trying to find the right time to drop onto his knee and tell Junmyeon that he loves him, but every time feels unfit.
He thinks of them in the park, light snow falling onto Junmyeon's hair and can feel the want like he's still living the moment. He thinks of them behind the prawns again and wanting to remind Junmyeon that they'd been there before. He wanted to do it again when they were looking at the dolphins under the arch. He wanted to see Junmyeon in that blue light forever.
It isn't until Junmyeon comes out of the shower, hair still wet and a towel around his neck that Sehun decides, this is perfect.
He's in one of Sehun's shirts, just a plain white one and Sehun can't understand how he looks so good.
He's ready and realises he won't be for long, so he walks behind Junmyeon and wraps his arms around him.
"Marry me," he says. He sees Junmyeon's eyes go wide in the mirror as he turns around to face Sehun. The younger lets go and drops to his knee, reaching for the box in his left pocket.
"What?" Junmyeon says. And he says it like he's not even there- like he has to force himself to speak and Sehun almost panics.
"We've been together six years and I can't imagine me with anybody else, hyung. You make me unbelievably happy, but you also worry me and make me feel the need to cry but it's all because I love you so much. I want to marry you and have you whole. I want you to have me whole. I want us to be each other's whole," he says. There are tears starting to spill from Junmyeon's eyes and he looks so pretty all the time, Sehun can't focus fully. He feels like he's rambling, but Junmyeon's face is glossy from the shower and his skincare, and if Sehun kisses him, he'll probably taste like toothpaste and mouthwash. But Sehun doesn't care.
He doesn't care about the semantics- about the world beyond where Junmyeon glows at their shared dresser, outside of their shared room in their shared apartment. He can hardly think about the music shows, the frights when another member has opened the closet door and seen the two of them intertwined. The rational part of him questioning How? died once he saw Junmyeon's eyes linger on the ring shining in the display of a jewellery store in the mall.
All he can think of is how he'd been wanting to do this for ages- at least seven of them. He forgets the How?s and the fear that's been creeping in his chest since they started dating six years ago and tries to show Junmyeon that this isn't some impulsive decision no matter how abrupt it's been.
"I want all of you and more, hyung." Junmyeon finally starts to cry and Sehun's heart breaks a little.
"So," he begins nervously. "Will you marry me?"
-
Junmyeon is on the phone with his mother, gushing about the ring Sehun got him. It's a small emerald one with a silver band because Sehun wants Junmyeon wants to wear it everywhere and Junmyeon wants nothing more than to.
Sehun is texting Jongin and telling him the news. There's still the taste of Sensodyne and Listerine in his mouth as his best friend curses over text and demands they meet up tomorrow. Sehun says he may be a little busy and laughs when he gets a sick face emoji in return.
He puts his phone down and walks into the living room where his fiancé (now that he can say that, he never wants to stop) is. He wraps his arms around him like if he lets go, the other will slip away. He stands there against Junmyeon and breathes him in and takes a second to note the hint of mint and orange he smells as he inhales.
Junmyeon laughs into the phone and Sehun can hear his mother ask if he's there. He makes a noise of acknowledgement and laughs when the older's mother yells through the phone.
"Sehunnie!" she yells. "Why didn't you tell me you'd be proposing to my son?!"
Sehun laughs. "I'm sorry, Mrs Kim," he says. "If it makes you feel any better, everyone else is upset I didn't tell them either," he adds. She only shouts in response that she isn't everyone else and Sehun laughs again as he agrees.
"I have to go," she says with fake indignation. "Your dad is messing with the lights again," she says to Junmyeon.
The older sighs. "Tell him there are people that can do that for him," he laughs. "I'll even pay for one if he thinks it's a waste of money."
"You know your father, Junmyeonnie. He wouldn't even call a plumber if our toilet set on fire," she complains.
Junmyeon laughs into the phone again. "Bye, Mom. I'll see you soon," he sends off.
"Bye Junmeyon, bye Sehun!" she closes and the line goes silent.
Junmyeon turns around in Sehun's arms as good as he can with the tight grip the other has on him. "I love you," Junmyeon whispers into his chest.
Sehun repeats the vow and hopes the vibration of his chest serves as enough of a promise to prove it is one.
Junmyeon hadn't been there for twenty-one months- not fully, but when Sehun holds him in his arms, close to his chest, his heart feels so.
It feels full and whole again. Like those eighteen months on a few months' horizon will be nothing compared to the memory of a silver ring shining against the sunset and the promise that a moment behind the prawns will not be a single one.
It feels like Junmyeon never even left.
-
When Sehun wakes up the next morning, he wonders why he has 13 missed messages from Kyungsoo.
When he opens them he laughs.
You've got Jongin talking about getting married.
I hate you.
And congrats.