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“Who are you texting now?” Yeonjun snapped.
This was enough.
“Huh?” Soobin, who had been busily typing a reply to a message before, raised his head at the seemingly unexpected question.
Idiot. Yeonjun thought.
They’ve been sitting here for a while now, spent all day traveling through Seoul just so they could go on a little hike and watch the sunset and yet Soobin was rather spending time on his phone than with his best friend, completely ignoring the breathtaking view in front of him.
Yeonjun was on edge.
He couldn’t lie, seeing Soobin text people over the course of the day hurt him. Somehow it felt like Soobin didn’t enjoy his presence while Yeonjun merely wanted his attention even when just sitting in silence–and maybe holding hands and playing with each other's fingers.
It hasn’t always been like that. It was hard to accept; that Soobin had other friends and now had a side to him that Yeonjun would never truly know, that his closest friend had a life without him.
Yeonjun would have felt absolutely ridiculous for his feelings if he hadn’t held back for so long.
He really did his best to accept it, to give Soobin the space he needed and deserved but it was tough.
It had never been a matter before, but things changed, his feelings for Soobin changed and it made everything so much more complex. It was difficult and he was feeling weak and hopeless.
His demons took over.
“My mom texted me…” Yeonjun could feel Soobin’s eyes burn on his skin. There was a tremor of anger in his voice and it made his heart stop for a moment.
Oh no.
“What’s up with you again?”
Ouch.
Soobin sighed heavily , his phone still in his hands, screen now locked and focus on Yeonjun.
Well, that definitely wasn’t the kind of attention Yeonjun wished for.
“Sorry. Didn’t know it’s your mom. Say hi from me.” Yeonjun pressed his lips together for a moment before an awkward laugh escaped his throat. This wasn’t going great, he could see it in Soobin’s eyes. He looked tired–tired of his shit.
“I’m not doing that now?” Soobin asked back in disbelief, scoffing softly and turning away from Yeonjun for a moment to put his phone in his bag. “Please like… what’s wrong? It can’t be that you get mad at me for being on my phone from time to time when you do the same? It’s been 8 hours of just us already and it’s not like I’m ignoring you for being on my phone for a few seconds just to text someone back when we aren’t talking anyway?”
Yeonjun flinched at the harsh tune in Soobin’s usually soft and sweet voice. Hearing him speak to him like that really hurt.
It hurt worse than feeling lonely next to him.
He was right though and Yeonjun felt a strong wave of shame roll through his body.
It was embarrassing. Especially the fact that Soobin had already noticed a change in his behavior before made Yeonjun want to slam his head against a wall.
He really thought he hid it well.
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Yeonjun apologized with a soft voice, afraid to speak any louder and to potentially irritate Soobin any further.
And it worked, or at least Yeonjun thought so as they sat in silence for a few seconds, his gaze shifting away from Soobin whose eyes were still lingering on him. He really just fucked up, didn’t he?
You’re such an idiot, Yeonjun cussed at himself in mind, frustrated, pulling his knees up to his chest and burying his head between them in distress .
“Yeonjun–” Soobin started, his voice calmer and it felt easier to breathe again. Still, he knew what was coming and he wasn’t happy about it. “–what was the matter just now?”
Yeonjun exhaled, shaking his head which was still resting in between his legs, arms wrapped around them.
“Nothing. I’m just tired.” He lied, biting his lip and nervously playing with the fabric of his jeans, rubbing it between his fingers.
“I know you and no it's not because you're tired. When you're tired you usually just don't care anymore. You've been different lately. I don't want you to feel bad about it if there's really nothing going on but I don't believe you right now.” Soobin admitted with a heaviness in his voice Yeonjun wasn’t familiar with.
Soobin didn’t sound angry anymore and while that was somehow soothing, he wasn’t quite sure if making him worry was any better.
It was hard to lie to his best friend, not just because it felt wrong but also because Soobin knew him better than he knew himself.
“Soobin… It really doesn’t matter. Just forget it.” Yeonjun tried his best but–honestly–he was really lacking.
He didn’t know what to say anymore, how to stop this and it had him panic. This conversation wasn’t going where he wanted it to go and he couldn’t lose control of it because if he did Soobin would find out...
Soobin couldn’t find out.
Never.
“Forget what? That you got mad at me for checking my messages? I can't lie, I'm a little upset right now and worried.” Yeonjun could hear the pout on Soobin’s face and it pulled on his heart. He regretted all of his decisions that lead up to this moment.
He didn’t want to worry and especially not upset Soobin. This sucked.
“I’m sorry for making you feel that way. Didn’t mean to.” Was all he could bring over his lips, eyes pressed shut and head buzzing in discomfort. He hid his face so he wouldn’t have to look at Soobin but it made no difference anyway. His face was engraved in his mind and he could visualize his expression perfectly with every change of tone in his voice.
“That’s not enough…”
Yeonjun’s head was suddenly spinning, the dizziness driving him crazy and so did the pressure Soobin put on him at that moment. What wasn’t enough? This was more than enough for Yeonjun, it was too much actually.
Yeonjun felt absolutely defeated. He tried his best to ground himself by inhaling deeply before finally daring to raise his head and to look at Soobin.
“Say Yeonjun…” Soobin started before nervously chewing on his bottom lip, voice low and soft but Yeonjun knew this voice and braced himself for the following question. “Could it be that you're… jealous?” Soobin asked ever so carefully but it wasn‘t any help because Yeonjun felt like he would faint on the spot. Jealous? Heck yeah. He was jealous and it was no secret apparently.
It all started when Soobin switched schools and they couldn’t see each other every day anymore. It was their normal, it was Yeonjun’s normal and when Soobin was taken away from him it hurt so much. They had been best friends for so long, spending so much time with each other in school, after school, on the weekends and now? Well, they never saw each other in school anymore, barely did so afterwards and on the weekends Soobin often had plans with his new friends.
Yeonjun wasn’t mad at him for that, happy actually, because Soobin used to worry a lot about finding new friends. That he did find some so fast actually filled him with joy but it still kind of left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth.
He really wanted to be 100% supportive of his best friend but it somehow felt like he was sacrificing his own happiness at the same time.
Of course they still saw each other quite often and Yeonjun even hung out with Soobin and his new friends before, but it just wasn't the same.
Before that, Yeonjun never had to share Soobin and their dynamic just wasn’t the same when other people were around. Yeonjun felt embarrassed for his feelings towards Soobin, not the romantic but the platonic ones.
Their friendship used to be so intense, they were basically one person and while he was able to see how this could potentially be really unhealthy and result in a toxic relationship in the future, he was still grieving it.
He never really got the chance to say goodbye to what used to be and it left him hanging in a gutting cocktail of confusion and heartbreak.
Although he had so much on his mind and a thousand answers to Soobin’s question, Yeonjun was still unable to open his mouth. Fear robbed his voice. All he was able to do was to stare at Soobin in shock.
“You are, right?” Asked Soobin with a slightly raised eyebrow.
Yeonjun couldn’t help but laugh at the question. It was one of his coping mechanisms.
Slapping his knees, he looked at Soobin with an amused expression, shaking his head.
“Why should I be jealous?” He asked. Soobin didn’t have any of that attitude though.
“Because I know I don't have as much time for you as you'd like…” He explained, certainty written all over his face and he had all right to feel sure about his observation.
It indeed was factual and it was a huge part of Yeonjun’s jealousy if not the actual origin of it.
At this point it was all just a chaotic mess.
It hurt. It hurt so bad to hear these words out of Soobin’s mouth. Yeonjun would have never thought that Soobin was aware of that.
His breath got stuck in his throat and his eyes were burning. No. He thought to himself. Don’t cry now.
But it was hopeless. Within seconds the burning sensation in his eyes turned into hot tears.
One after another was rolling down his flushed cheeks, dripping down from his chin, on his shirt, on his jeans, on the blanket.
All this pain he held back for so long was finally set free, his mind and heart caving in to the pain, unable to withstand this emotional torture any longer.
And it was valid, Yeonjun knew that. He was never afraid to show his feelings freely. It was human after all but just the thought of admitting to being jealous had him close to fainting .
It felt so out of place. Jealousy. That shouldn’t be an emotion felt by best friends, right?
What would Soobin think of him if he told him that, yes, he was jealous of everyone around him?
Yeonjun couldn’t help but scoff at that thought despite feeling utterly mortyfied.
“That’s so pathetic of me, isn’t it?” He then asked with trembling lips, defeated, more and more tears streaming down his face. It was too late anyway. Holding back wasn’t even an option anymore.
“No…” Soobin whispered, his voice so soft Yeonjun could barely hear it over his loud sobs.
He didn’t waste any more time to move closer to lovingly put his hand over Yeonjun’s, lower lip trapped between his teeth and eyes caringly monitoring Yeonjun.
There was an attempt to hold eye contact and Yeonjun knew Soobin liked to look at him when they were talking but it just wasn’t possible. There was no way Yeonjun could face Soobin at that moment .
He was still too afraid and too ashamed of his feelings.
“It's not. I just wonder what I could do so you wouldn’t feel this way.”
And Yeonjun’s mind went crazy once again.
What he could do? Maybe pull him into his arms and confess his love back to him and kiss him right on the spot but that was absurd and he knew better. These feelings were to never be expressed because then–Yeonjun was sure–he would lose Soobin completely and that was much worse than to feel left out while standing in last place.
“Nothing.” Yeonjun whimpered, failing at pulling himself together in order to speak normally. “You’re not doing anything wrong.” He added, finally having strength to raise his free hand to his face in order to wipe away some of his tears. “It's me.”
“You're my best friend, Yeonjun. Please be sure I'll never replace you with anyone. Never ever.”
Funny.
Yeonjun felt like laughing at Soobin‘s statement and the angles of his lips may or may not have twitched in amusement.
Yeah right. Never replace him. One day Soobin would find someone he would want to spend all his time with and that’s when that would definitely happen.
The thought alone tore Yeonjun apart.
“You don't believe me?” Soobin then asked, pressing his lips together and slightly furrowing his eyebrows at the other’s reaction. There was definitely a hint of disappointment in his voice.
Yeonjun didn’t want to hurt Soobin‘s feelings over this, he just wanted it to be over already. It didn’t matter anyway as it would never change. He knew he was doomed to watch Soobin grow up, meet new people, fall in love with them and spend his life with them wishing it was him for the rest of his days.
Why did he even bother thinking about it still?
He really felt hopeless at this point.
Soobin sure was sweet to him and they were acting like a married couple, all their friends said so, but Yeonjun never got the feeling romantic love could be a mutual thing in this relationship.
“Soobin, please let's stop here.”
“What can I do so you believe me?” There was urgency in Soobin’s voice now which Yeonjun couldn’t remember ever hearing before. It had his stomach twist.
“Soobin look, let's just forget this okay?” Yeonjun tried once again, afraid of what would happen if this continued on.
“You can't just run away from this? You’re obviously hurt.” Soobin said, visibly stunned by the appearance of a suspicious gleam in Yeonjun’s eyes.
“I can’t?” Yeonjun then asked, his heart racing with fear but he also started a desperate attempt to literally flee this confrontation. Without further ado he got up on his wobbly feet, Soobin’s eyes following him carefully, watching his every move.
“Stop that.”
“Stop what? You won't stop either.”
“I have good reasons.”
“So do I.” Yeonjun could barely hold himself together at this point. Soobin’s persistence could drive him crazy sometimes.
Before Yeonjun was able to do anything stupid, Soobin reached out for him, his grip tight around Yeonjun’s left wrist. “Then tell me what's your reason.”
“Ouch, you're hurting me.” Yeonjun hissed at Soobin.
“Tell me.”
“No.”
“Tell me already.” By now Soobin’s voice was louder than ever.
They never raised their voices at each other and something snapped in Yeonjun that moment.
“Gosh! Because I love you, you idiot! Are you satisfied now?” Yeonjun impulsively yelled back at Soobin before pulling his wrist out of the other’s grip once he could feel it loosen on him.
His heart was pounding with dread as he stared down at Soobin while rubbing his hurting wrist– and there they were again–the tears.
Soobin’s usually so tired looking eyes were widened in surprise? Shock? Disgust? Yeonjun‘s mind was racing, one thought following the next, interrupting another and creating the biggest mess in his head.
He felt so dizzy again, his vision turning hazy. This was really happening. He really just confessed his feelings to his best friend of 9 years.
“Junie…”
“Don't Junie me right now… I know you don't mean it.”
“What are you even talking about? Can you please calm down for a moment?” Soobin huffed, his gaze hard, Yeonjun’s lips shutting in a slight pout, his eyelashes laced with tears and his cheeks gleaming in the warm light of the sunset.
“Could you sit back down?” Soobin asked, gently patting the space next to him where Yeonjun sat before, his other hand reaching out for Yeonjun’s who accepted the offer hesitantly.
Holding Soobin’s hand, he slowly sat down a little further away from him, his knees feeling extremely weak.
“You okay?” Soobin asked caringly and Yeonjun nodded, rather slowly plopping down on his butt afterwards, huffing.
”Yeah.”
It didn’t take long for Soobin to scoot closer to him and Yeonjun felt like passing out again. On one side he felt joyful about Soobin's approach, on the other he felt too exposed already and could barely take the thought of Soobin perceiving him at all, let alone that up close.
“I know this question might sound stupid right now please dont hate me for it but you.. Love me? Really?” And Yeonjun had to agree. This question really was a stupid one. Why else would he react the way he did? Just for shits and giggles? But he definitely didn’t hate Soobin for asking. It must be confusing to have your best friend confess to you all of a sudden.
“Yeah.”
“I had no idea.” Soobin started, his eyes wandering off and his mind did so too, seemingly. Yeonjun watched as Soobin stared off into the distance, chewing on his cheeks. There was something unsettling about the view.
Usually, Soobin was the collected one of the two who had everything under control, but at that moment, Yeonjun witnessed Soobin lose his confidence faster than ever before.
Upon closer observation, his eyes caught sight of Soobin’s trembling legs. Not only that, he was shaking all over.
Yeonjun gulped at the sight.
This wasn't good, was it?
“It's okay if you don't feel the same way.” Yeonjun explained with a tiny voice, his breath calmer but heart still racing, aching, aching so bad for the other, for the wish to be loved back.
No reply. As expected.
Yeonjun didn’t know what to do, where he belonged and where this would lead them in their relationship.
He really didn’t want to miss Soobin, ever. The thought alone had him in tears again.
“Please don’t leave me…” He bit down on his lower lip, trying to muffle his body rattling sobs, hands clenched to fists.
“No, Yeonjun, that's not it.” Soobin shook his head, eyes still avoiding Yeonjun’s. “I’m just overwhelmed.” Soobin admitted, a heavy, shaky sigh falling from his lips before he finally managed to turn his head and to look at the other.
Yeonjun‘s cheeks were drenched in tears, lips quivering, shoulders shaking and it broke Soobin’s heart to see him like that. He never wanted to be the reason for Yeonjun to feel this way. It was a promise he made to himself years ago.
“I will never leave you, Yeonjun.'' It was like someone flipped a switch. As soon as Yeonjun heard these words from Soobin, his whole expression softened, the tears and sobs though? Still present.
“I’m so sorry. I know this is a lot.”
“Please don't apologize, okay? Honesty was always our priority in this friendship and I'm happy you told me this…–” Yeonjun didn’t understand. Soobin didn’t look happy to him. What was he talking about?
“– but Yeonjun, look. I have to admit that I haven’t been really honest with you.”
What?
“The truth is, why I feel happy you told me this, I think I do feel about you like you feel about me.” Soobin’s voice was wavering with insecurity. The sound scared Yeonjun but his words did the exact opposite. This.. was this really happening?
“I understand your jealousy. I feel the very same way whenever you meet someone else. Not that I don’t want that but–I think I was scared you’d fall for them instead of me.”
Yeonjun felt more and more light-headed the longer he was listening to Soobin. What was he talking about? Feeling the same? Jealous? Him falling for someone else?
“But you actually never had anything to worry about, you know? Because I always pushed everyone away who wasn’t you.” Soobin chuckled at his own statement, shaking his head in disbelief like so many times before. He felt silly.
“What I want to say is that I really like you, Yeonjun… Gosh, no. I-I love you, too.”
Yeonjun couldn’t believe his ears nor his eyes. Soobin was right there, sitting in front of him, still holding his hand with a raging blush on his cheeks, confessing his love to him? This–No. It couldn't be real.
“Soobin..” Yeonjun whispered, an unsure smile tugging at the angles of his lips. There was immense joy slowly overwhelming his entire body as realization was starting to hit him.
“Are you for real right now?”
“So for real.” Soobin, whose eyes looked a little redder than before, lovingly mocked the other’s way of expressing his disbelief. “You are so cute…” He added afterwards, his free hand approaching the other’s wet cheeks to wipe away some of his newer tears. Yeonjun was only semi aware of how ridiculous his question sounded, his brain was too busy processing the happenings and at the same time he didn’t really care. Soobin just confessed to him.
He actually loved him back?!
Soobin liked him back!
“I'm so happy right now.” Yeonjun spoke softly and it was the moment the last wave of tears rolled down his cheeks. He was glowing now, his eyes shimmering in the colors of the sunset, teeth exposed to the fullest. "I-I uh I–" Yeonjun stumbled over his words, the corners of his lips still so very busy smiling it was hard to speak.
All he wanted was to pull Soobin in a hug and feel him close. All he needed was a moment of security in his best friend‘s (?) arms to get a hold of himself and to really understand what just happened.
It felt a bit awkward, he had to admit it. His mind was rattling, wondering what it would be like to take their relationship to an even more intimate level.
The thought about possibly kissing Soobin anytime soon alone had him blush furiously as he was staring at the other’s lips a little too obviously, he noticed so himself.
"Sorry." Yeonjun apologized, squeezing his eyes shut and rubbing his forehead with the hand which wasn't resting in Soobin's. "I don't know what to say or do, to be honest."
"That's okay." Soobin squeezed his hand reassuringly. "I feel the same." He admitted with a faint and nervous smile on his face. Yeonjun felt relief through the other's words. He was glad he wasn't the only one feeling a little too overwhelmed to really act on his feelings.
Still, he really wanted to hug Soobin and he knew he had to initiate the move in order to actually get what he wanted but at the same time it felt weirdly invasive to just go in for a hug this time.
"Soobin I... really want to hug you right now." Yeonjun finally managed to say out loud, visibly startling the other with his question.
"Huh?" Soobin's eyes widened and lips parted, The usual heart-melting expression he'd make whenever he was confused. Yeonjun's heart jumped at the sight.
"You don't have to ask before hugging me!" Soobin's voice emerged from his lips a little louder than expected, making him jump and cover his mouth with his hand. Blinking, he chuckled a little at his own excitement while Yeonjun charged at him in glee.
With his arms spread, the latter flung himself into Soobin's arms, not even waiting for the other to be ready, just in need of physical affection, of a safe haven.
Here, right in Soobin's arms, he knew it was okay to feel vulnerable, to love freely, to be his true authentic self.
"Oh.. Oh wait–Ahh!"
And before Yeonjun even realized why Soobin was yelling at him to wait, he found himself on top of him, head resting somewhere between Soobin's collar bones with his arms still tightly wrapped around the other.
"Ouch." Soobin laughed out, awakening butterflies in Yeonjun's stomach. Hearing Soobin laugh was the most beautiful sound to him, yet, he felt sorry for possibly hurting him and wanted to make sure he was okay.
"Everything okay?" Yeonjun asked with pouty lips, nonverbally excusing his recklessness through his expression. Soobin could only laugh at the other, raising his left hand to ruffle Yeonjun's hair.
"I'm fine. No worries." Seeing Soobin's healing smile so up close had Yeonjun melt for the other and his expression softened until his lips unconsciously curled up to lovingly smile back at Soobin.
Yeonjun had no idea how long they remained like this, just looking at each other, smiling and allowing themselves to feel whatever emotion would arise.
It felt like the shortest eternity to him when Soobin's hand, which had been resting on the side of his head previously, started to wander towards his cheek, fingertips tenderly grazing over his temple along the way.
"You got a lash there." Soobin pointed out before picking it off Yeonjun's cheek so he could show it to him afterwards. "Got a wish?" Soobin asked while pushing the lash to the top of his pointer finger, holding it right in front of the other’s lips so he could blow it away once he was ready.
Yeonjun couldn't help but smile even wider.
How could he wish for anything in a moment like this.
He thought about it though, until something popped up in his mind. It wasn’t anything significant but that didn’t matter at that moment.
He nodded. "Yep." He said carefully, attentively eyeing his eyelash on top of Soobin's finger before closing his eyes and gently blowing out air through his pursed lips, making his wish.
"Yay!" Soobin cheered cutely. "I hope it will come true."
Yeonjun nodded, a familiar heat spreading across his face and ears. "My biggest wish has already come true..." He confessed shyly, ready to just let his head fall back onto Soobin's chest, but Soobin’s hand found its place on his face faster than Yeonjun could hide his timidness from him.
"You're the sweetest..." Soobin finally brought over his lips after a short break of just taking in Yeonjun's beauty, the latter's blush only darkening with every passing second.
There was something slightly different about Soobin's eyes now. Somehow they looked darker than before and Yeonjun noticed, just like his eyes did moments ago, they rested on his lips.
Shivering at the realization, Yeonjun leaned into Soobin's touch, the other's finger lazily brushing over his cheek.
"May I?" Soobin asked, certain that Yeonjun understood what he asked for and he was right. Yeonjun did understand right away and he didn't waste any second showing him so.
Nodding, Yeonjun inhaled deeply, trying his best to calm down a little.
The dizziness returned and although something good triggered it this time, it was still intensely overwhelming.
"Please..." He whispered back weakly, his eyes fluttering shut as he braced himself for the approaching kiss.
This is it, he thought, he would finally kiss Soobin.
Meanwhile, Soobin's fingers were sliding in Yeonjun’s hair just right behind his ear, slowly and gently pulling his head down towards his own. Yeonjun could feel his heartbeat in every part of his body, certain that Soobin could sense it against the small part of his palm which rested on his neck.
He was so nervous. He never kissed anyone in his life before, well, at least not in a serious way.
A peck on the lips during a game of truth or dare didn't count, then again would this end as more than just a peck? His mind was running wild and time seemed to have stopped but also pass way too fast once he could feel Soobin's warm breath against his skin.
At first it was from Soobin’s nose only but it didn't take the latter long to part his lips and to let Yeonjun feel his uneven and slightly heavier breath ghost over his.
For a moment they paused and every thought was wiped off of Yeonjun's mind. Adrenaline was rushing through his veins.
If Soobin wouldn’t lock their lips, he would.
And so he did.
Without wasting another thought, he gathered all his courage and leaned forward, finally closing the small gap left between their lips and his heart skipped a beat or two or maybe three at the sensation of Soobin's soft lips against his own.
it was more heavenly than he ever dared to imagine. The way Soobin's fingers pressed in Yeonjun's nape and his body shifted a little as soon as their lips melted together had Yeonjun shiver in excitement.
There was no holding back anymore.
Yeonjun took the opportunity to let go of Soobin, pulling his hands out from underneath him just so he could take a hold on both of his cheeks.
"Mhhmh." Soobin first mumbled and then giggled into the kiss when Yeonjun accidentally squished them a little too hard in the process.
While Yeonjun gasped at his little mistake and felt a rush of embarrassment, Soobin didn't seem to mind at all. Before Yeonjun could even say a word, the other was all about Yeonjun's lips again, pulling him close again just to continue where they had stopped, Yeonjun's hands still on his cheeks. This time though, it felt like all strength was knocked out of his body, his hands now simply resting on Soobin's cheeks while the latter guided him through a second kiss, sweetly, tenderly, patiently–just the way Soobin had always been with Yeonjun.
This was how it was supposed to be, Yeonjun thought to himself as he tried his best to express his emotions with every movement of his lips, head tilted a little more to the side than before, thumbs gently brushing over the other's soft, dimpled cheeks.
Words could not describe the happiness he was feeling, words could never describe how much Soobin meant to him, so he hoped with all his heart that he was able to show him instead.
And when he could suddenly feel Soobin smile into the kiss before pulling back slowly, half lidded and beautifully sparkling eyes meeting his own, there was no reason left to worry.