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Too many months had passed, too many kilometers were between them and yet Takumi’s heart decided to ignore both.
Any other person would have moved on for long but Takumi’s heart just did not let go of the other one. It was insane, stupid and everything that should not occur but here he was: Longing for someone he could not have.
Takumi rarely fell in love but when he did, he fell deep, so deep that he could not climb out of it by himself.
If there was some magic potion, some trick that could magically wipe the other person from his memory he would use it on the spot.
But all alone he was helpless.
The memories of the past had put his heart in a cage that he was unable to open on his own. Each time he heard the other one’s voice, saw a photo of him or something that reminded him of the other one, his heart skipped a beat only to ache when Takumi realized that his longing was impossible to fulfill.
It was a vicious circle he could not free himself from.
When you could not free yourself, the natural choice was to get help, but it was not that easy for Takumi. He was ashamed of himself - none of this was supposed to happen - and he had a hard time talking about his feelings anyway. His whole life had turned into something new and confusing and he did know where to start to adjust himself.
To his (bad) luck however, someone noticed the agony he was going through. Ren, the person who witnessed the whole drama from the beginning, offered to help Takumi. “That’s what friends do, right? They help each other with a broken heart.”, the older one said with a smile - only for Takumi to discover soon that Ren’s offer was not as selfless as it seemed on the surface.
Ren had the same longing in his gaze as Takumi had himself - when he looked at Takumi however.
The dancer also loved someone who was far beyond his reach - yet with the difference that physically Takumi was right next to him while his heart was with someone else. It was a different kind of agony.
And yet, Ren stayed kind. He tried to mask his feelings as best as he could in order to make Takumi feel better.
At some point Takumi felt like Ren did know that Takumi had caught wind of his feelings - but again it was not mentioned. They danced around each other, trying not to break the invisible eggshells on the floor - dance that was not meant to continue for long.
It only made guilt and pain grow inside of Takumi. Ren deserved better.
Weeks and months passed and nothing changed inside of Takumi’s heart. He could not bear it anymore. Something had to change, he had to find a cure. He felt like he was growing insane and maybe he did.
Because eventually pain and desire turned Takumi into a monster he did know before.
The monster in him led him to blame Keigo for this. Without him he would have never considered the option that eventually made him use Ren for his own selfish needs.
“Why don’t you give Ren a chance? I mean no one here can’t date anyone from the outside anyway and Ren would do everything for you.” It was a typical comment for Keigo - well meant but he did not realise the wave of consequences that could follow.
“I don’t have any feelings for him, save for friendship.” Takumi’s last string of sanity still held strong at this point. He wanted to save Ren from himself. I had to save Ren from the monster growing inside of Takumi.
“So? It could change. You see that so often in movies.”
Keigo’s words did not leave Takumi’s mind.
The angel and devil inside his mind were constantly fighting. But unlike in the universe of the movies the good side did not win.
It was one of the countless evenings when Takumi had ended up in Ren’s room. Besides his preference to be for himself after spending time with the other members the whole day, his loneliness sometimes became unbearable and his steps took him to the only person who did not ask questions but just welcomed his presence - because Ren’s longing was as hopeless as Takumi’s own one.
Ren was in the kitchen, warming up something in the microwave. The area was small, so when Takumi went there to get some water - he did not want to border the dancer with another request - they bumped into each other as Ren turned around.
At that moment their faces were so close, only a small movement was needed to overcome the gap between them and let their lips meet.
Takumi could see in Ren’s face that the older one was insecure. It was such a foreign expression on his face that Takumi let his guard down for a moment - only for the devil in his mind to win.
Without realising it Takumi leaned forward and pressed his lips on Ren's.
Ren kissed him back on the spot and Takumi could feel him smiling. Remorse started to build inside of himself - he gave Ren hope for something that did not exist - but the selfish monster was freed and Takumi could not tame it himself.
Involuntarily his mind went to the one he actually wanted to kiss. Ren tasted sweeter - like milk chocolate - while a certain someone’s kiss was more like bitter chocolate in his memory.
Also, it was easier to kiss Ren - the height gap between them was only a few centimetres with no need for Takumi to stand on his tiptoes or the other one to bend down.
He wanted to enjoy the kiss truly but besides not being able to do so he continued to kiss Ren until they both had to part due to their bodies demanding oxygen.
After catching his breath, Takumi’s last remaining sanity made itself noticeable again. The guilt became stronger. “Ren, I-“
“It’s okay, Takkun, you don’t need to say anything. We will just go at your pace.” Ren’s smile was kind and it was so typical of him that he suggested going at Takumi's pace. The dancer was the opposite of him, who had just acted out of pure vanity.
Still, there was still the angel inside of Takumi’s mind who wanted nothing more than telling Ren that there was no pace, who wanted to apologise to Ren for making him hope for something that did not exist.
But Takumi was weak. Too long he had waited to receive love from someone who was far away and now that there was someone giving him this for free, he just took it.
So he accepted Ren’s embrace and let himself be selfish.
For some time they had a honeymoon phase in which Takumi believed he could finally forget a certain someone. But during each kiss, during each touch, he started to wonder how everything would be if his partner was not Ren but the one he was actually longing for.
No matter what happened, his mind always took the same direction.
There was never just the two of them, because in Takumi’s mind and heart someone else was constantly present - like a curse that did not leave him. No kiss, no touch, no word from Ren was able to lift the curse.
Takumi wondered whether Ren knew.
The confirmation happened when Takumi had already given up on himself. His conscience was exhausted from fighting his egoistic side over and over. Hence, he let himself become a monster that was using his friend who loved him unconditionally.
They were in Takumi’s room for once. The chance of any unwelcome guests entering was smaller and Takumi was demanding Ren’s full attention again - and Ren gave him everything he wanted without asking for anything for himself.
When Ren looked up at him, with a gaze as if he was desperately looking for something in Takumi’s face, something Takumi could not give him, causing remorse trying to make itself noticeable but the monster muted it. Instead Takumi’s mind wandered to the unattainable one again, wondering whether they would do the same.
Back when everything was still as it should have been and yet uncertain, they had never gone that far, simply because the circumstances never allowed that. Still, he was all Takumi was thinking of instead of the one who gave him what he wanted.
And yet Ren did not complain - again. When he got up from his position, he pulled the younger one into his arms. “It’s okay, Takkun.” he said while gently stroking his hair.
Ren kept on giving and giving while Takumi was taking and taking and yet Ren never complained.
“Ren, I-“
“Shh.” With a kiss, full of affection but unable to melt Takumi’s cold heart, Ren stopped any objections. “I’m here for you if you have trouble falling asleep again.”
Little did Ren know that what kept Takumi awake was the guilt Ren’s kindness had caused.
Takumi’s conscience wanted to end everything, to free Ren from his selfish grasp but the monster was stronger. It let him accept the embrace, let him use the one who gave him so much.
During such nights, Ren often fell asleep pretty fast. He seemed to be content to have Takumi in his arms, always sleeping with a smile on his face. Yet, Takumi could not sleep. His mind was a mess. Thousand and one thoughts had turned into a storm that kept him awake.
There was the thought which appreciated the beauty of the sleeping figure next to him.
Next was the thought which wondered how it felt if a certain someone was holding him right now.
This one was replaced by remorse hitting him again, only for the next thought to tell him to sleep too.
All the thoughts were exhausting. It sucked the remaining energy from Takumi and when he was about to fall asleep, too, he suddenly heard Ren talking in sleep.
“Tell me what I should do.”
The voice sounded so desperate and the smile had been replaced by a painful expression, making Takumi’s heart ache.
“Please Takumi, tell me what I should do so that you can love me.”
It was the confirmation Takumi never wanted to hear.
He could have misjudged the look on Ren’s face earlier but that confession - even when it only happened in a dream - was too direct. Ren knew that Takumi was using him and let himself be used while silently suffering. It was the final confirmation that Takumi had indeed turned into a monster.
“I’m sorry, Ren.”, was the only thing he whispered before burying himself deeper into the blanket, hoping to find sleep.
It should have been the moment to leave, to end everything but the monster, he was, made a bunch of excuses why not - he did not want to wake the sleeping one, he was actually not supposed to hear this and so on.
However this night changed something - Takumi started to pay more attention to Ren, looking for the little signs that his facade was breaking in front of Takumi.
In a way, the younger one wanted it to happen, hoping it would give him the final push to fight the monster he had become, but each morning Ren woke him up with a smile and continued to give him everything he could give.
Yet the signs were there - albeit small ones. Ren lost weight - he claimed it was due to the intense dance training but reassured Takumi that he was still eating well - and often there was that hopeful gaze looking to find a sign of Takumi’s feelings finally turning mutual.
In fact, there was a part in Takumi who wanted that to happen but the monster was too strong. It was content with Ren continuing to give him everything.
What should have been another wake up call was Junki pulling him aside one day. The older one took him out of the practice room as if he did not want anyone else to hear what they were going to talk about which confused Takumi already.
At the same time Junki was trembling, as if he had a hard time staying composed, making Takumi even more confused. He could not think of any reason why.
“Takumi, whatever you are doing with Ren, stop it now.” It was obvious that Junki had to stop himself from shouting the last words. The struggle not to lose all composure was visible on his face.
“I-I don’t know what you mean.”
Until this day, Takumi had assumed no one knew the full truth. Sure, the members had eventually found out that there was something going on between him and Ren, but that the true nature of their relationship was supposed to stay a mystery.
“He is suffering! And you are the reason for this.”
It was the truth, a truth Takumi did not want to hear. Hence, the monster took over.
“What are you saying? He is happy. Look at him, he is playing around with Syoya right now.”
“Do you even believe what you are saying?” Junki was furious, the trembling got stronger.
“I could ask you the same. What are you aiming for? Are you jealous?”
“I want to protect my best friend! Who is suffering because of you.”
“I still don’t get what you mean.”
But in fact, Takumi absolutely understood what the vocalist meant. He knew that Ren was suffering and he was the reason behind it.
“Stop acting like a selfish bastard. What happened to the Takumi I knew?”
‘He has turned into a monster’ was what Takumi wanted to answer, but instead he crossed his arms and tried to act as upset as possible. “I think you are jealous. I can’t blame you. Ren is handsome, kind and can read every wish from my eyes. If I wasn’t with him I would be jealous of the lucky one, too.” And yet Takumi did not love Ren but used him to mute the pain in his own heart. He was the perfect definition of a monster.
“Are you fucking serious?” Junki became furious and raised his hand. Takumi, on the other hand, closed his eyes, bracing himself for the impact but nothing happened. Instead he registered the presence of another person right next to him.
“Don’t touch him.” It was Ren’s voice which had an unusual tone that promised danger. It was rare to hear the dancer angry like that - something that made Takumi tremble more in fear than an upset Junki earlier. Still, Ren being there, too, made Takumi open his eyes again because his presence was a guarantee of safety.
“Why are you even defending him?” Junki seemed to have become even more furious, struggling against Ren’s grip.
Normally, it should have been easy for the vocalist to free himself since he had more muscles, but the whole suddenness of the situation had left him without the use of those.
“Why are you even attacking him?” On the surface, Ren’s voice seemed calm but his voice was deeper and had an indescribable underlying tone like a predator getting ready to attack.
“Because you came to me crying. Because you told me that there is something wrong with your relationship cause Takumi never told you that he loves you. Because you told me that you suspect him of having someone else. Because I see you suffering every day and I can’t bear to watch it.” Finally, Junki managed to free himself from the grip, yet he did not proceed to attack Takumi physically again. Instead it seemed like he was happy with spilling everything he knew.
“But this doesn’t give you the right to attack him!” After everything, Ren was still protecting him and the monster was delighted about that. It had grown comfortable with the situation and had no plans to change it - unlike the humanity that was left inside of Takumi.
“Why are you defending him?” Junki’s voice turned louder, earning him a displeased look from Ren - who most likely did not want the others to know.
“Because I love him.”
Under normal circumstances Takumi’s heart would have skipped a beat, a blush would have appeared on his face and Takumi would have acted all shy. Instead his heart ached, wishing to make the feelings mutual but unable to do so. Once more the monster took over, trying to copy the behaviour that was expected of him.
Thus, he wrapped his arms around Ren from behind, pressing his face against the older one’s back. “Don’t fight.”
“We won’t. Don’t worry, Takkun. Right, Junki?”
The singer looked displeased but nodded. Still, when he left to return to the practise room, Takumi could hear him whisper: “Don’t expect me to forget.”
It should have been the moment for Takumi to fight against the monster but once more he did not.
Later at night Takumi was in Ren’s room. Laying on the bed, Ren held onto him and Takumi pretended to be happy that the dancer was the one holding him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
The younger one was honestly curious about this. For so long Ren had acted strong and Takumi had hoped he would have witnessed Ren’s breakdown, still hoping it would prove to be the push he needed.
“I don’t even know why… you were having a schedule and I don’t know. I felt so weird… but I’m sure you have your reasons why you never said it.”
Ren was clearly blaming himself for the situation, something that was not supposed to happen under normal circumstances.
“I didn’t know it burdens you that much.” Of course Takumi knew, but he had to keep his act up. He felt like he had no other choice. At the same time, he mentally thanked the acting lessons for helping him in this situation.
“I’m sorry for Junki. He should not have reacted like that.”
“Don’t apologise on his behalf.” Takumi truly believed that Ren should not apologise in any form because in reality he was the least guilty one in the whole situation.
Takumi wanted to tell Ren that Junki had been right and that he had turned into a monster who used the one who loved him. Yet his mouth stayed shut no matter what happened. Instead the devil inside his mind was dominating the angel, whispering instructions ‘to act better’.
“I will talk with him tomorrow. Your friendship shouldn’t suffer.”
“You don’t have to.” Judging from Junki’s earlier reaction, the only way to convince him otherwise was to step up his own game, to pretend better that there was a chance of Takumi’s feelings turning into something close to love. So, he leaned his head on Ren’s shoulder as if he needed more of the older one’s comfort. In a weird, twisted way he needed it - he needed their status quo to continue to get the short lived salvation of forgetting the old who still held his heart in a cage.
“The fight shocked you, didn’t it?”
“Yes…” Rather than the fight itself, it was the fact that the vocalist had found out the truth. Actually, Takumi did not want to drag anyone else into the problem. Too many people were involved already - him, Ren & an invisible third person.
Something needed to change and the only one who could initiate that change was Takumi himself. “Ren… I have something to tell you.”
Gently he took Ren’s hand and took a few deep breaths to get ready. Messing up was no option now - for Ren’s sake and for the sake of peace in their group. “Ren, I love you.” He didn’t not dare to look into Ren’s eyes, instead his eyes were glued on the hand he was holding.
“Oh Takumi…” When Ren pulled his hand away, fear started to bubble inside of Takumi, yet soon enough the older one pulled him closer and Takumi felt something wet dripping on his shoulder - Ren was crying.
“Sorry that I couldn’t tell you earlier… If I had known that.”
“N-no Takkun. I’m sorry that I pressured you.” Again it was the dancer who apologised, the most innocent one in the situation. It broke Takumi’s heart in a way, making his remaining humanity wish he could finally love the man in his arms.
“You didn’t. Don’t say this.” He wanted Ren to be happy. The dancer deserved it so much.
“I don’t deserve you.”
“You really need to stop talking.” Takumi did not want to hear any more of the self doubts he had caused Ren to have. Just like Junki had said, he was a selfish bastard, a monster, but he wanted to make up for it. If he could not love Ren, he would have to become a better actor, one who could even deceive the smart fox Ren was.
So, Takumi moved forward and sealed their lips, as a silent promise to hurt Ren less with his actions. Maybe one day, so he hoped, Ren would find someone who truly loved him back. He deserved better than Takumi.
Because in the end, Takumi was nothing but a selfish monster who could not move on from his past.