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Vander sometimes wonders about who he is in his children’s eyes, his place in their lives. They are, without a doubt, his children. Always will be. That he knows with a certainty that is sometimes overwhelming. Until the day his heart stops and the putrid air of the Undercity leaves his lungs for the final time, they are his in all the ways that matter. They all, however, had fathers before him. Even though they are his first, he is their second. That is fine. He knows they depend on him to act in the role of a parent and all of them show affection towards him in their own ways. As long as they are happy, he doesn’t care what they think of him, but there is one word that never fails to make his heart skip a beat when he hears it.
Dad.
Mylo had been the first to ever call him that, and to this day is the one who uses it the most. That first time, Mylo had looked so uncertain, as if he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to use it. Scared, even, as if he’d done something wrong and was about to get a slap for it. It was a look Mylo had had all the time in the beginning, when he was still distrustful of all adults and trying to suss out if he could trust Vander, or if he was just another abusive piece of shit like his biological father.
Vander had startled, almost dropping the glass he had been cleaning behind the bar, but quickly schooled his expression when he saw the look on Mylo’s face. Even while his heart fluttered inside his chest, he did his best to act natural, answering whatever question Mylo had asked as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Mylo had gradually relaxed, and Vander was rewarded with the small, genuine smile that was so rare coming from his youngest boy. After that, as if a switch had flipped, Mylo more often than not called him Dad when speaking to him. His actual name made a reappearance only when the children talked among themselves.
Mylo would later confess he’d never called his actual father Dad – that the man had never earned it. Vander had to look up at the ceiling and blink rapidly to not cry like a baby, hoping Mylo wouldn’t notice and get uncomfortable from where he sat close against his side. Vander had sworn then and there that he’d do anything to continue to be worthy.
On the other side of the spectrum was Vi. Even when both Powder and Claggor had also started to sometimes call him Dad, Vi never did. They never talked about it, but Vander knew Vi was afraid of forgetting her parents. Especially in the beginning, Vi had been very sensitive of any actions that could be perceived as parental, even when they were directed at Powder and not her. She would get angry if Vander told her or her sister what to do. She’d descend into hysterics if he tried to comfort either of them when they were sad. It was, to say the least, a difficult first couple of months. It got better, though. Vander was gradually allowed to interact with Powder without having to step on eggshells, as Vi reluctantly let go of some of the responsibilities of raising a four-year-old in favor of running off to play with friends.
Then, one night about a year after he had taken the girls in, there was a knock on the door to his room. Vander had no idea who to expect. Despite knowing all his children suffered from nightmares, none of them had ever come to him before. Vi was furiously independent, Powder sought comfort in her sister, and Mylo was at that point still terrified of him. That left Claggor, who barely said a word but wasn’t quite as skittish. So Claggor had been his best bet.
However, when he opened the door, it was the child he had least expected. Vi had tear tracks down her cheeks and her eyes were large and haunted. Vander immediately assumed something was wrong with Powder, but Vi shook her head, tilting it down so her short bangs covered her eyes. Then she sniffled, once, then twice, before her breathing caught in a sob so heart wrenching Vander couldn’t stop himself from kneeling down to hug her. To his surprise, Vi had allowed it. Leaned into it, even, wetting his shirt with her tears. Vi would never call him Dad, but from that moment Vander knew they’d be alright, anyhow.