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Yoo Joonghyuk’s hands are big and strong, but Kim Dokja doesn’t know that. He hasn’t spent an eternity studying them, hoping that one day they would hold him.
There’s something quite embarrassing about admitting that there is something more than admiration behind his feelings for Yoo Joonghyuk. Of course, admiration is a big part of what he feels, but even after spending only days with him, Dokja can tell that there is something more to it.
He wouldn’t call it anything specific, but he’s sure there’s something about the way he feels about the man.
Yoo Joonghyuk traces his fingers over the map, trying to outline their plan properly while Kim Dokja continues to feel absolutely useless next to him. He should be helping, but sometimes feelings like these overtake it and he can’t do anything about it but wait for them to pass.
He knows how concentrated Yoo Joonghyuk is on their mission, and Joonghyuk knows enough about the world they live in to plan out a simple attack, but it doesn’t make Kim Dokja feel any better. Really, he should be helping and not feeling sorry for himself.
Yoo Joonghyuk looks more than concentrated on what’s before him, but every few minutes, he glances at Kim Dokja, maybe to check that he’s still there. Kim Dokja would never leave though, especially not in a situation as serious as this one, and he continues to study Yoo Joonghyuk as intently as he can.
“What are you looking at?” asks Yoo Joonghyuk as he sits there, studying the map on the floor before him.
Kim Dokja doesn’t have time to think of an intelligent, snarky response, so a simple “What?” is the best he can do in the spur of the moment.
Yoo Joonghyuk stands up and stares down at him. “You’ve been looking at me for far longer than you should have.”
That much is true, and even Dokja can’t deny it, but he isn’t about to admit anything to Yoo Joonghyuk, not if he can help it.
“I’m sorry about not helping.”
A smirk appears on Yoo Joonghyuk’s face right there and then, and Kim Dokja immediately realizes that his worries were for nothing. A man as self-centered and proud as Yoo Joonghyuk would never admit that he needs help.
Really, both of them are too proud for their own good to properly do anything.
“I don’t need your help. I can do this by myself, you only have to help in the execution of the plan.” Yoo Joonghyuk gently taps Kim Dokja’s shoulder and returns to the map.
It shouldn’t change anything, but the simple touch—through the fabric, even—is enough to send Kim Dokja’s mind into a world far away from where his body is.
Maybe he should be asking the constellations for help. Some of them would be eager to help a hopeless romantic out, but he can’t do things like these. Not when it would feel like he’s using Yoo Joonghyuk against his will.
He has studied him for years, learning about his motivations, so it only makes sense that things are even more intense now that he finally got to meet the real him, got to fight by his side, and got to do all the other things he couldn’t before.
Kim Dokja truly cares about what Yoo Joonghyuk feels—as unusual as that might be to admit—and he cannot completely disregard his wishes. If he wanted Dokja, he could’ve shown it.
“Is there anything else?” Yoo Joonghyuk asks, as if he could read Kim Dokja’s mind.
The latter shakes his head, because there really isn’t anything else he can say out loud. He can just wait and hope for Yoo Joonghyuk to find out.
For a few seconds, neither of them says anything. They just stare at each other before Yoo Joonghyuk returns to the map, going to continue what they’re both supposed to do.
Kim Dokja internally scolds himself for acting so out of character, but there’s not much more he can say. Not now that Yoo Joonghyuk is back at the fire with the map and he’s left all alone with his thoughts.
The plan seems to finally be coming together, according to Yoo Joonghyuk’s sketches and the interest of a few new constellations. The initial ambush might have been Kim Dokja’s idea but Yoo Joonghyuk is the one who drew it all up from scratch and would in the end be responsible for their victory.
Kim Dokja suddenly feels a giant wave of guilt flow over him and he walks up to Yoo Joonghyuk and the map. “Are you nearly done?”
“Yes.” The answer is short, and it lets Kim Dokja know exactly what Yoo Joonghyuk is feeling on the inside.
Kim Dokja’s gentle smile falters for a second as he isn’t sure what to say, how to explain himself. “I’m not helping much, am I?”
Yoo Joonghyuk nods at that, but his expression doesn’t appear resentful. If anything, he looks understanding which is definitely not an emotion Kim Dokja thought he’d ever see Yoo Joonghyuk make.
“Well, in any case, I’m sorry. I’ll be more helpful the next time around.”
It’s as if things change when he says that. As if a flip was switched and the mood of the entire situation suddenly became very different. Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t smirk anymore, it looked like he was worried more than anything.
“What’s wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?” suddenly asks Yoo Joonghyuk, clearly not understanding how complex the answer to that truly is. “Are you sick? Did you get poisoned?”
“I’m not sick, nor was I poisoned.” Kim Dokja wants to tell him more, but there isn’t much more he can say without exposing himself.
Yoo Joonghyuk studies his face carefully for a few minutes, then reiterates, “What do you want me to do?”
Kim Dokja wants everything . He wants to be trusted, to be loved, to be liked, to be held, and to be adored. But above all, he wants all of those things from him , which makes it even more complicated. He can’t go ahead and say those things because he can’t know how either of them will react, and he sure doesn’t want to lose his head right now.
Kim Dokja wants Joonghyuk to love him, but he might never be brave enough to say those words out loud, not in this life.
So he doesn’t answer at all. He just stays quiet and watches Yoo Joonghyuk as intently as he watches him, waiting for something to happen, not truly surprised when nothing does.
“If I can do something to help you concentrate, I will do it without hesitation.”
Kim Dokja raises his eyebrow and smiles. If only it were that easy, then maybe life would be a lot nicer for all parties involved. But unfortunately, he has to deal with his feelings for Yoo Joonghyuk in his own way and learn how to stop them, or at least learn how to stop them from making him unable to focus.
“Would you mind—” Kim Dokja starts but doesn’t finish. No, he isn’t nearly brave enough to propose something like that to anyone, let alone Yoo Joonghyuk.
Yoo Joonghyuk looks at him with a confused expression in his eyes. “What are you asking about?”
The wave of guilt is suddenly replaced by a wave of newfound bravery, the kind he usually feels when he’s about to find an enemy he knows might hurt him, and he does the unspeakable. He leans in and kisses Yoo Joonghyuk.
Kissing him definitely isn’t the best idea he’s ever had, but he’s had plenty of worse ones. However, when Yoo Joonghyuk doesn’t pull away or stab him, Kim Dokja realizes this might go down in history as one of the boldest, most careless decisions he’s ever made.
He wants to pull away and maybe even pretend that the kiss is the fault of some sort of demonic possession, but when Yoo Joonghyuk puts his strong arms around him, he finally relaxes.
Alright, maybe this isn’t the worst idea he’s ever had.