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For the first few months it's hard. It’s soul crushing. Its suffocation. Years and years of knowing, and loving, and understanding, and piecing together what seemed like an unsolvable puzzle shatters to the ground. The pieces of glass glisten like the diamond Sam should’ve worn on his left hand. Like the tears that refuse to fall from Sam’s eyes. Because if they did, that would mean he was hurting. And he refused to believe that a man who put him through hell and back is the same man he yearns as he lays in a lonely bed in sleepless nights.
If only they had held on to what they had, then maybe it wouldn’t have passed by like a wave on the shore.
~~~~~~~~~~
Like a gust of wind, Bucky’s days and night melted together. He tore this relationship apart and never had the heart to piece it back together. He held onto it, so tightly it shattered in his hands. Cutting deep wounds that Sam’s soft touch and sweet words should’ve patched up. But the clock ticks down. Life keeps moving no matter how much Bucky begs for peace and forgiveness and everything in between. Burning like a flame, the pain of what he left behind lingers.
So does the diamond ring. The box that sits where it always had, in a small drawer, with a note beneath it. What he was going to say if Sam said yes. Bucky was debating on burning it. Burning the final piece of what he and Sam had, and letting their ashes blow in the wind along with the broken words.
You can hurt people with the things you say, but you can burn them, leave them scarred, with things you didn’t say. Bucky slowly started to realize this as the days became longer and the night became darker. Even in the darkest he had Sam. Even in long days and even longer nights, Sam grew in this darkness like a delicate daisy that was bound to blow in the wind. And the wind took Sam from Bucky. Bucky never thought he’d let it.
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Sam always thought Bucky would go running. Running after him like a shooting star in the night sky. Passing by you with only a silent wish. Sam always thought that was who Bucky was. Or, maybe he was only like that when his words flowed like calm waves and not sharp knives. When his movements looked angelic and not searing pain. But, Sam wonders under shinning stars, was that who Bucky really was? He couldn’t imagine it was. Those steel blue eyes told Sam a thousand things, gave him a thousand sunsets, they never burned with fire. They never told Sam lies.
Until they did. Until the sorry look in the ocean of his eyes became a little too familiar. Until Sam realized that maybe Bucky wore a mask. Maybe the soft touches and gentle ‘I love you’s were all an act. An act for Sam to fall for. And Sam fell so hard. Maybe that’s what burned their love to ash.
~~~~~~~~
The story of their lives became a lot less colourful. Days were quiet and nights were loud with thoughts. They wonder if the only sound that really mattered to each other was the other's heartbeat.
~~~~~~~
“I have to go, don’t I?” Bucky asked while on the phone. 3 months after they broke up, another event popped up on their schedule.
“Sorry, man.” Rhodey replied casually. Bucky sighed. He was still being dragged to these things. He hung up after biding Rhodey a farewell, slumping against his couch. The last thought in his mind was that Sam was invited.
~~~~~~~~
Sam got invited to yet another function. After having missions every other day, he finally found a break. But, of course, another event. He shouldn’t be mad about it, he knows that. It's a part of his job, he knows that. If he doesn’t go, they’ll paint him in a worse light than they already do. So he accepted. He doesn’t let his mind wander to the fact that Bucky’ll be there, too. That, he couldn’t bear.
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Ocean blue and an autumn brown meet for the first time in what felt like a lifetime. And two smiles. Two knowing, half hidden smiles. If only these smiles can show what the really meant. If only either of them had the courage to form what they felt into syllables, falling from their lips before they could stop. If Bucky swore up and down to Sam that he never meant to hurt him. He wasn’t thinking. He wanted him back. He needed him back. Life was colder, the only comfort are the nightmares that come to strike when Bucky finally the peace. The nightmares that don’t stop. The nightmares that are always about Sam. Because it's always been Sam. Even in the darkest place of Bucky’s dreaded mind, Sam will forever be at the root of it. Forever the ivy that grows around Bucky’s dagger of a mind. Bucky would promise Sam a thousand more lifetimes under the sun, if only it could be with him.
Because through all the haze of Bucky’s life, looking through the smoke of pain and gruesome fates that never stop, Sam has been clear. Sam has been the blazing forever, the golden ray of sun, the river that flows through Bucky’s heart and soul. But, Bucky broke that down. Blocked the light that could’ve healed him, and instead, lit a fire. He never meant to lose it, he never meant to stop fighting for it.
~~~~~~~~
Sam felt like a coward, not talking to Bucky that night, not trying to reason. Not trying to try. But trying to reason with the same man who left him stranded felt impossible. Whose lips shaped words that burned Sam to the core. That once held all the answers, now hold Sam’s deepest fear. That he's gone from Sam’s reach. That every word he said, every kiss he promised made the lie that much worse.
Because, Sam wanted to believe that lie forever. Believe the lie that love could thrive and burn. That it could wash you in sunlight and promise you forever more. That it could cut you open and stitch you back up. Again and again until you became numb to the pain and welcoming to the aide. But the true lie, was the lie that Bucky smeared across their lives, painting in red blood and shimmering jewels. A lie that anything they could have wouldn’t burn from flames to embers to ash.
Because Bucky burned them down. Maybe that wasn’t how they were supposed to go out. Perhaps it was supposed to be beautiful. Sun shinning. Eyes twinkling. Jewels shimmering on each hand as last goodbyes were said with sorrowful smiles. But, as it turns out, the only thing they were left with now is bittersweet wonder if anything could truly be okay. If the lips that promised “I love you” and screamed “goodbye” could be the same to whisper “I’m sorry”.
~~~~~~~~~~
6 months. 6 months and 3 weeks. It felt like Bucky was drowning. Drowning in his own mistake. His million of mistakes he made to have what Sam meant to him shatter like glass. His world going silent, his mind racing. Before, when stars would shine bright and lazy moons listen to soft whispers, the silence was welcoming, understanding. Now, the silence burned, the silence was screaming without saying a damn word.
And, of course, the world was turning. The world never stopped. He had a job to do. Dead silence is better than facing your fears head on. And his fear sure as hell weren't the mission.
~~~~~~~~~~
The mission was looking successful, so far. It was only the two of them, and they had thought they had everything under control. That’s when a blast went off in the building Sam was in, and his comms went dead.
Sam could feel the dust filling his lungs, his head heavy, and the ringing in his ears echoing in his skull. His legs felt weak, he felt weak, steadying himself against a collapsed beam. The pain was unbearable, the adrenaline from the fight already wearing off already. Sam’s chest began to burn, his throat as sharp as sand paper. His legs were giving out, and all he wanted to do was shut it all off.
He slumped to ground, his body shaking as he coughed. Sam felt as if the world was slipping. Like reality was slipping from his mind. Like his grip on life was faltering.
Thats when he felt a strong grip on his forearm. “Buck?” Sam muttered weakly, his voice raspy.
“Yeah, it’s me. We gotta get you outta here.” Bucky slipped his arms around Sam’s body, holding him tight to his chest as Sam shook. His face was twisted in pain, cuts littering his face. He sounded as if he was holding onto life as much as he was holding onto Bucky.
Bucky’s mind was racing a million miles a minute. They see each other for the first time, real time, in 6 months, and here they are, Sam injured in Bucky’s arms. And Bucky wasn’t there to stop it. He felt the weight of world crashing around him, but the weight of Sam’s life in his arms was heavier. The weight of losing Sam forever, truly forever, was a lot heavier.
Bucky got them back to the jet as soon as he could. “Sam.” Bucky whispered, laying Sam down on one of the benches lining the walls. Sam’s only response was a weak groan.
“Sammy.” The nickname sounded foreign on Bucky’s tongue, like he hadn’t yet earned the right to say it, but it fell off his lips all the same. “You stayin’ with me?”
“Always.” Sam whispered, his voice still hoarse and weak, fighting to keep his voice level. Bucky smiled weakly, grabbing the first aid get and a water bottle from Sam’s duffle bag.
After tending to every wound, lots of water, and some Advil, Sam was leaning against Bucky, his breaths long and careful. Bucky was thankful for it, to hear Sam’s steady breathing against his cheek, to know he still had Sam on some level. What made Bucky panic was the reality of what they were. When Bucky wouldn’t try, and Sam gave up on him. When they were the same part of the same pain, just worlds away. And, now, they’re right here. And Bucky doesn’t know what to do.
“I’m still mad at you.” Sam told him, his voice still a bit uneven.
“I know.” Bucky sighed, “I’m sorry.”
“I know.” Sam turned to face, his hand finding Bucky’s. Bucky felt as if his heart was going to leap out of his body. “I wanna make this work. Please, let us make this work. Promise me you’ll be there. Show me you’ll be there.”
“I’ll be there, Sam, I swear-”
“Show me.” Sam said simply, squeezing Bucky’s hand. Bucky smiled softly, no other words needing to be said. Maybe they shouldn’t try to pick their pieces back together. Maybe the flames been out far too long, and now the cold they were left with is something they’ve grown to accept.
But, what if it wasn’t?