Chapter Text
Riki was struggling. Sure, he had other members who was older than him to rely on. But neither of them reached out for him, they never cared. He is only a teenager, what is there to stress about. He didn’t have the responsibility of being the eldest or being the leader, but he was still struggling deep inside. He needed help, he was drowning with the endless self doubt he had for himself but he kept everything to himself, he didn’t want to burden the others, they had their own issues.
“Hyung? I’m not sure if I’m getting the dance correctly, can you practice with me?” Riki asked Heeseung for help.
“Riki, I’m tired. Can you ask someone else?” Riki swore he saw Heeseung rolled his eyes.
‘He’s annoyed with you. You made him angry, that’s why he rolled his eyes’
Riki didn’t ask for anyone else for help, he didn’t want to anger the others as well. So he stayed alone, practiced alone. As always. He danced and danced until he couldn’t. He checked the time. 1.05 a.m. He have been dancing for 4 hours alone, yet no one cared. He was fine. He didn’t wanted to go back but he knew it would be irresponsible of him.
When he reached the dorm, it was 2 o’clock. He opened the door. As expected, Jungwon was waiting. He was angry. He folded his arms while glaring at Riki. “Where were you? Do you know how worried we all are!” Jungwon reprimanded. Riki held in a scoff. He hung his head low, mumbled a apology so that he could go to sleep. “ You better not do this again!” He continued.
‘You made Jungwon mad, he probably tired but had to stay up for you. Why can’t you be more considerate? Why are you so useless’ The voices was loud. It made Riki even more down.
After changing out of his sweaty clothes, he went to bed; crying himself to sleep. ‘You’re the youngest, why can’t you be more useful?’ The voices kept on being louder making it harder for Riki to sleep. When he finally got to sleep, he was woken up by Jungwon. Riki didn’t have the strength to listen to the voices, he wanted to sleep. He was so tired. He still woke up, keeping quiet, not wanting to annoy Jungwon anymore, not after what happened during midnight.
Riki sat next to Sunoo, the sunshine of the group, for breakfast. Sunoo cracked up a joke, trying to make the maknae happy. But frowned when Riki faked a laugh. Riki didn’t find the joke funny.
‘You’re so useless. You made Sunoo upset. You’re so stupid.’ Riki started tearing up, quickly wiping it away but someone saw him.
“Riki? Are you crying?” Jake asked. ‘How did he notice? I was being so discreet.’ “Hm? No i didn’t Hyung? I just yawned.” That seemed like a good reason. Sunoo and Jake didn’t buy it, Sunoo didn’t see Riki yawned, Jake just didn’t believe him, but they didn’t want to push him more.
‘Act happy, so they won’t be suspicious of you.’
Riki tried to act happy, so the other two won’t be suspicious. “Alright, hurry up guys! We gotta go to practice.” Riki heard Jungwon. Riki didn’t bother showering, he knew he was going to sweat, so he changed into something clean and suitable for dancing.
While dancing, Riki’s movements were sloppy, it looked like he didn’t try but he did. The members were annoyed, he was pulling them back. “Riki! What’s wrong with you today? Why aren’t you trying at all?” Jay scolded.
‘You made all of them annoyed. You’re pulling them back. You’re so useless. Useless, Useless’ The voices repeated, it was so heavy for Riki.
“Shut up please…” Riki murmured, begging the voices in his head to stop, Jay , on the other hand, heard it and took it as if Riki was being rude. “What did you say? Brat.” Jay was annoyed.
‘Brat, Brat Brat Brat brat. You’re such a brat.’ The voices wouldn’t stop.
“Nothing Hyung.” Riki spat out, it sounded rude but Riki didn’t mean it. Jay shrugged it off. The day felt longer for Riki, 6 pairs of eyes was on him all day. Most of them had an annoyed look, some had worried glances. Riki didn’t notice any of their glances, he tried his best to continue his day without feeling down, ignoring Jay’s comment.
“Alright, enough practice for today. Let’s go back home guys!” Heeseung claimed. Everyone but Riki agreed. ‘I still need to practice more.’ Riki thought. So just when everyone left, he began playing the music. “Niki-san! Are you coming?” That was Jake. ‘Why haven’t Jake left? Why was he waiting for me?’ Riki hesitated but left with Jake. “Come on, the others are waiting for us.” Jake stated.
When they got back to dorm, Riki said he was tired, but he had no appetite to eat. This has been happening more often, the members were slowly getting suspicious but they didn’t ask. Riki was getting skinner each day, his weight had a drastic drop. No one knew and Riki wanted it too stay like that.
Riki never self-harmed, only tempted too. He knew the members will speculate, Riki barely wore long sleeves too sleep, they would find out. He didn’t want their pity, it would make him feel worse, but today was different, everything was different. The voices was too much today, too painful for him. He made Jay angry today, he made Sunoo upset, he made Jungwon annoyed, he made Heeseung annoyed as well. He was sorry, Riki grabbed opened a cabinet from the toilet cabinet, before doing so, he made sure the door was locked so no members could interrupt him.
‘Do it! Do it! Don’t be a coward, hurry up.’
One line became two, two became four, four became eight. Riki couldn’t stop, before he knew it, his forearm was dyed red. The dye didn’t stop moving, it kept coming. Riki was silently sobbing, was he happy? Was he relieved?
‘You made a mess. Clean it up, coward.’ The voices continued
“Ni-ki? You been in there a while now, are you ok?” Sunghoon asked from the other side of the door, knocking on it a little. Riki cleared his throat, “ Yes hyung, I’m okay, you can go.” Riki heard Sunghoon walked away.
‘What a liar. Liar doesn’t deserve to have such caring Hyungs.” The voices said again. It made Riki wanted to cut more.
Riki didn’t, he went to shower, washing away the blood on his hand. When he was finished. He quickly changed into his oversized hoodie, covering all the evidences, not wanting any attention from any of his Hyungs.
”Riki! Are you done?” Sunghoon asked. “Yes hyung.” Riki replied.
Sunghoon’s P.O.V
When i entered the toilet, I was a little annoyed, Riki took forever in here, I wonder what was he doing in here? My thought process was disturbed when my eyes spotted something on the floor. When I went closer to have a little look, I froze. It was a razor blade, the razor blade wasn’’t clean, it was bloody. My eyes started to water. Is this why Riki took so long? I picked up the blade with a piece of tissue paper, I’m going to show it Heeseung hyung.
When Sunghoon finished showering, he picked up the tissue and headed to Heeseung. “Hyung?” Sunghoon spoke with a shaky voice. Heeseung didn’t seem to pick up on the tone but replied with a hum. “Hyung, I found this in the bathroom.” Sunghoon lifted his hand to show Heeseung the bloody tissue paper wrapped around the razor blade.
I saw Heeseung eye’s flash with fear. “D-do you know who’s is it?” Heeseung asked timidly. “Ni-ki used the bathroom before me.” I replied.