Chapter Text
“Can you see me using everything to hold back?”
Bags - Clairo
Lena Luthor could not believe the day she was having. She'd had close to five cups of coffee already, but it was getting harder and harder to stay awake during that endless board meeting - the third this week alone - while grumpy old men drawled on and on about investors and money and...what was this meeting about? She couldn't remember. She was seriously regretting spending the whole night awake working on a new project, on a Wednesday, of all days. Now, working on her projects, that’s what she loved about her work. Not whatever… this was. Her mind was starting to wander to other places when, in her peripheral vision, she caught sight of her cell phone screen lighting up. Not an uncommon sight, after all, she was a very busy woman. She was used to ignoring calls during meetings. Upon closer inspection, Lena saw the name on the caller ID. Her heartbeat sped up immediately. Sunnyside Elementary School. Kelly and Alex made Lena - as well as the rest of their friends - save that number for emergencies. Was this...? Why would they be calling her, and not Kelly or Alex? Her mind jumped through all kinds of possible - terrible - scenarios in the span of a second. She forced herself to calm down, and excused herself from the meeting awkwardly, claiming an emergency.
“Hello?” She asked, trying to hide the hint of desperation from her voice.
“Hi. Is this Lena Luthor?”
“Yes, it's her. What is this regarding?” Lena asked, impatiently.
“Hello, Miss Luthor. I'm Miss Harris, from Sunnyside Elementary. I'm Esme's teacher. I see here that you're listed as one of her emergency contacts, as her godmother?” The teacher said, as if waiting for confirmation.
“Yes.” Lena said quickly, almost interrupting her mid-sentence. “What happened? Is she okay?”
“Oh, don't worry, she's fine. I should have led with that, sorry for scaring you.” The woman apologized.
Lena sighed in relief. She's fine. Esme's fine. Her heart finally calmed down a little.
“Well, it's been almost two hours past the time she was supposed to be picked up, and no one showed up or left any messages. I’ve already tried both of her mothers and her aunt several times. You're the first one of her contacts to pick up.”
Weird. Lena's heart started to pick up speed again for a different reason.
“Oh. I'll try to reach them.” Lena said, apologetically.
“It's just that, we're almost at closing time. We can't keep her here much longer. Is there any way you could possibly pick her up?” The teacher asked sheepishly. “You're on the list of authorized people.”
“Absolutely, yes. I'll be there as soon as I can.” She quickly hung up.
What the fuck.
Lena picked up her bag and sped to the parking lot while dialing Alex's number. Didn't even ring. She tried Kelly. Same thing. She hesitated before dialing again, staring at Kara's contact on her screen.
She couldn't remember the last time she called Kara. Months ago. God, it felt like years, and at the same time, it was like no time had passed at all. It was the strangest of feelings. She thought of Kara, and the last real conversation they had had. That day, at Alex and Kelly’s wedding, she had resolved herself to tell her. She was so sure she felt the same. She couldn’t not feel it, right? It wasn’t all in Lena’s head. All the quiet nights and impromptu dinners and meaningful looks and going home to Kara’s instead of her own apartment more often than not and how Kara’s eyes seemed to glisten whenever she saw Lena and how Lena’s heart would pick up speed at the mere sight of it. She was sure Kara could hear her heart speeding every time Kara looked at her like that. And she was sure she could see Kara beam a little whenever it happened, smiling and blushing lightly. She was sure of it. But then Kara had used that word again. Friends.
Of all the friends I have ever had.
And suddenly Lena wasn’t sure of anything anymore. All the insecurities and uncertainty she’d been harboring for years, all the fear, of rejection, of not being loved back, came crashing back all at once. The tears that threatened to fall from her face as she hugged Kara were from happiness, but also from sadness. From bone deep, immeasurable sadness. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to Kara. It wasn’t fair to her. She had her best friend back. After almost losing her time and time again, after every mistake they’d made that had driven them further apart, they had found their way back to each other. That should be enough. Why couldn’t it be enough? She wanted it to be. But the blow Kara had landed so inadvertently at her last shreds of hope, the pain threatening to cut her and break her down right there and then, told her it wasn’t. It wasn’t enough. After quickly excusing herself to go see Alex and Kelly make their grand exit, she settled for a different resolve. Kara’s friendship was enough once. It would be again. She just needed some time. That’s it. Time. Time would bring things back to their right course. Time would make the pain stop. It had to.
And so, she distanced herself. She distanced herself because being around Kara was starting to hurt too much. Things couldn’t continue the way they were. The endless texts and late night calls and sleepovers and being so comfortable in each other’s spaces was just a reminder of everything she couldn’t have. So she put up walls around herself. She was good at doing that. Growing up in the Luthor’s household, she had a lot of experience in being emotionally distant. She stopped going over to Kara’s. She started finding excuses not to hang out with her alone. She stopped calling. She would still answer Kara’s calls, though. She wouldn’t cut Kara out completely. Couldn’t. They would still see each other very often, in game nights and karaoke bars and teaming up to stop super villains who were trying to take down their city. They would still see each other in Esme’s school presentations and at birthday parties and dinner dates with their friends. Always with their friends, though. Being alone together was something that they simply didn’t do anymore. Never getting themselves caught up in the easy conversations that lasted for hours, the rest of their friend group forgotten while they drained the rest of the wine and just talked. Never showing up unannounced at each other’s workplace with takeout to catch up on conversation, simply because. Not that Kara hadn’t tried to continue doing that. Not that Kara hadn’t tried to continue doing any of that. During that first month, Kara wouldn’t stop texting, wouldn’t stop calling, wouldn’t stop trying. She knew something was wrong. She tried to talk to Lena about it. She tried, tried, tried. What’s wrong, she would ask. Just talk to me, Lena. Lena would always assure her it was nothing, she was fine. Just tired, just stressed, just something. After enough polite excuses, polite conversation stoppers, polite invitation declines, Kara just slowly stopped. She knew it wasn’t because she wanted to. But she also knew Kara still carried a lot of guilt with her for hurting Lena in the past. She would give Lena what she wanted, and if what she wanted was space, Kara would give it to her. Even if it broke her heart. Lena knew Kara was confused, she knew she was heartbroken, and that in turn broke Lena’s heart. That was the hardest part. But Lena couldn’t tell her, and she couldn’t not do it. It would all go back to normal soon, she promised herself. Just a little time.
Ultimately, she decided against calling Kara. She was almost halfway to the school when she opted to call Nia instead. She picked up on the second ring. Thank god for Nia.
“Lena, hi. What's up?”
“Hey, Nia. Are you at the DEO?”
“No, I'm at CatCo. Why?” Lena could hear the sounds of Nia chewing something in the background.
“Do you know if Kelly or Alex are there?” Lena asked expectantly.
“They were this morning. But they left to go check some lead Kelly got on that missing alien children case.” Nia paused to slurp on a drink. “They should be back by now, though. Esme’s school hours must have ended already. They're probably home with her.” She finished.
“That's just it, they're not. Esme's school called. I'm on my way there right now to pick her up. Alex and Kelly are nowhere to be found. I tried calling, but it didn't even ring."
“Wait, what? That’s weird. What do you think happened?” Nia asked, alarmed.
“No idea. Hopefully nothing bad.” A pause. “Is Kara there?”
“No, she left a couple hours ago to take care of some Supergirl emergency.”
“That’s probably why the school was also not able to contact her.” Lena thought out loud.
“Probably.” Nia agreed . “I’ll just go to the DEO to see what’s up. I was just about to head home anyway.”
“I’m a few minutes away from the school. Meet you there as soon as I got Esme.” Lena said.
“‘Kay, bye.” Nia blew a kiss and hung up.
She pulled up to the school, locked the car doors behind her and made her way to the school’s entrance just to find… Kara. God. She was not expecting to see Kara right now. She told herself that was the only reason for the little jump her heart just did at the sight of her. She was surprised, that was all. It wasn’t the sight of her very blue eyes, or the way she was bent down, eye level with Esme, saying something that immediately got a laugh out of the little girl. That was not endearing at all. She absolutely did not let out a little smile at the sight. She was getting over Kara. She really was. Her plan was totally working. Not much longer and her plan would be completely done. She was crushing it. This, right now? She was just a little startled, that's all.
“Kara, hi.” Lena said, surprise in her tone.
“Aunt Lena!” Esme threw herself at Lena’s legs.
“Hey, Lena. We were just waiting for you, weren’t we, bud?” Kara blinked at Esme. “Esme’s teacher told me you were on your way to pick her up. I got the message a little late, but I guess I was still able to beat you. Super speed and all.”
“You flew here? You weren’t planning to take Esme home flying, were you?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Aunt Kara, we’re going flying???” Esme exclaimed, looking at Kara expectantly.
“No, munchkin, we’re going home in my car.” Lena said, with a pointed look to Kara. Esme deflated.
“Maybe next time, bud.” Kara said, looking a little disappointed herself.
“Aunt Lena, where are my mommies?” Esme changed the subject. Lena looked at Kara, hesitating.
“I was just explaining to her how Alex and Kelly got caught up in some work stuff, and that we were going there to wait for them.” Kara told Lena.
“Yeah, that’s why I’m here” Lena said, picking up on Kara’s little white lie. “I came to give you a ride so we can go wait for your moms.” She said, looking at Esme.
Esme looked a little anxious. It didn’t go unnoticed by Kara.
“What do you think about picking up some ice cream on the way?” Kara added as an afterthought, smiling at the girl.
Esme’s face lit up immediately. “Can I get a big chocolate ice cream with toppings and everything?” Esme asked, her eyes bright.
“You can get whatever you want, bud.” Kara said.
“Awesome!”
“Let’s go.” Lena said, picking up the hand of a very giddy Esme while Kara followed.
Perfect. That was just… perfect.
**********
Kara really wasn’t expecting her day to take the turn that it did when she woke up this morning. Her day was as typical as ever. She woke up, picked up some coffee on her way to CatCo, saved some lives. The usual, you know. So she was definitely not prepared for finding several missed calls from Esme’s school number on her phone, right when she was going home after helping out some victims of a bus accident on the main city road. And she was definitely not prepared for what that had led to.
She had come as soon as she got the message from Esme’s teacher, didn’t even think, just reacted. It wasn’t until she reached the school gates that she stopped to think about the best course of action. She decided for the obvious: trying to reach both her sister and sister-in-law, to no success, as expected. After managing to successfully contact J’onn, all she knew was that Kelly and Alex had left to check a lead on a case, but it wasn’t supposed to be anything dangerous, so no one even bothered to be on the lookout for it. J’onn assured her he would look into it before hanging up, and she promised to get there as soon as she had Esme.
Well. The important thing now was to get to her niece. She knew how the little girl could get anxious when she was apart from her mothers for long, so she did her best to reassure her, saying she would see them very soon. It was just a work thing that was taking longer than usual, that was all.
She was just trying to distract Esme with some lame joke when Lena appeared. And of course Esme forgot all about Kara to go jump into her godmother’s legs. Kara smiled at how Lena’s face lit up with both surprise and affection.
Lena.
Well, lately Lena had been… a mystery. Kara wasn’t sure what had happened, or why Lena was acting the way she was acting. She had wondered if it was just a natural estrangement, just life taking its course and two people who used to be very close just not being that close anymore. It happened all the time. But not in this case, she was sure of it. Something happened. Whether it was something Kara did, or some change that happened to Lena internally, she had no way of knowing. Lena wouldn’t talk to her. It was so frustrating at first, it made Kara want to scream. But Kara understood Lena’s hesitance towards her. Lena was usually hesitant towards everybody. Kara was the first person that had made Lena forget that, the first person she trusted blindly, no questions asked. Lena had given Kara everything, her loyalty, her honesty, her friendship, asking for nothing in return, except, perhaps, Kara’s own friendship. And in turn, Kara had lied to her and hurt her. So if Lena was hesitant again… well, Kara couldn’t blame her. But it still hurt. It hurt to have to see Lena all the time, being so close, yet so far, beautifully distant. To want to reach out, to have something happen to her and want to text Lena about it immediately, just to remember, she didn’t want that anymore. She didn’t want Kara’s closeness, she didn’t want the burden of being her best friend anymore. And Kara couldn’t blame her. And still, it hurt. Especially when Kara thought of those first few weeks after she was back from the Phantom Zone, when everything felt so delicate and fragile with their newly repaired friendship, but at the same time, it felt like they’d never been closer. Lena would show up to her doorstep almost every night, a lot of those times unannounced, and it would be like they’d never been apart. All the talks, the shared meals, the pep talks that made Kara feel like she could take on the world, because she knew Lena had her back. I believe in you. Those four words still haunted her dreams, still gave her strength whenever she thought about it. Lena believed in her. But then…
Lena had been nothing but polite. She had never ignored Kara, not once, or been rude to her. She was just… distant. She would find excuses for everything, so after enough time trying (and Kara really did try), Kara had just gotten the hint. Lena wanted her space. And so Kara gave it to her. Kara was happy, in a way, to have chickened out at Kelly and Alex’s wedding. She wanted to tell Lena, that day. She wanted to tell her. I believe in you, too. I believe in us. She wanted so bad for there to be an “us”. And she wanted to tell her. But… Well, she got scared. And she waited too much. And eventually, it was too late. As it turned out, it was good she waited. Because not long after that, Lena made it clear that she didn’t want Kara to be so close. So, in a way, it was good Kara didn’t say anything. Saved her a lot of drama.
Riding on the passenger side of Lena’s car on the way to the DEO, licking her ice cream cone, Kara felt like she always felt around Lena lately: conflicted. Happy, of course, that she got to spend time with her, but always with that underlying sadness over the fact that she couldn’t get close to her anymore. After all, it was pointless. Lena kept her at arm’s length.
She just spent the rest of the drive mindlessly making small talk to Esme, asking about school and stuff. After a few minutes, they pulled up to the DEO.
“Hey, bud. Tell you what. Race ya to the door, and whoever loses has to bake cookies for the winner.” Kara said as they pulled up to the parking lot, getting out of the car.
“Kara, do you really think that’s a g…” Lena tried, before getting interrupted.
“Let’s go!” Esme yelled and took off at super speed while Kara followed equally fast.
“Aand they left” Lena closed the doors and followed them at normal walking speed.
Kara stopped at the front doors and turned to look at a very pleased looking Esme, with chocolate ice cream smeared all over her mouth and clothes, the remnants of it covering her tiny hands, grinning from ear to ear.
“I guess you won! Good game.” Kara extended her hands for Esme to shake, feigning formality. Esme very deliberately put her ice cream covered hand in Kara’s, smearing the brown goo all over her on purpose.
Kara mock gasped. “Can you believe that, Lena?” Kara said looking at Lena’s approaching figure. “Your goddaughter is a monster.”
“Hey, she’s your niece, too.” Lena said defensively. “And Kara, you also spilled ice cream all over my car. Hope you know you’re both cleaning that up later.”
Esme giggled. “Ah, you just love that, don’t you?” Kara asked Esme, tickling her sides and eliciting even more giggles from her.
Kara turned to look at Lena to gauge her expression, wondering if they maybe went too far in their childish plays and managed to annoy her, but she was barely stifling a smile, looking at them with fondness in her expression. Kara gave her a little smile and Lena stepped to open the door.
“Let’s go, both of you. And don’t touch anything with those hands!” Lena reminded them.
When they stepped into the DEO, Brainy, Nia and J’onn were already waiting for them, all with serious looks on their faces. Kara glanced at Lena once, and she took the cue.
“Hey, you ice cream monster. Let’s get you cleaned up so you can properly greet everybody.” Lena said while carrying Esme out of the room, presumably to the nearest bathroom facility. Kara gave her a grateful look, which she returned by nodding.
Kara looked at J’onn apprehensively. “So, did you find anything?” She asked expectantly, looking from J’onn to Nia, and then Brainy.
“Well, I went to the location they were supposed to have gone this morning. There was not much there, but I did manage to find some vestige of portal activity.” Brainy said, seriously.
“So you think…?” Kara trailed off.
“Well, that is the logical conclusion, yes.” Brainy confirmed.
That didn’t make any sense. Alex and Kelly wouldn’t portal anywhere without telling anyone, and they would definitely not forget to send someone to pick up their daughter. Kara said as much.
“Well, our best guess is that they either got sucked into the portal against their will, or they didn’t know the portal would self-destruct, leaving them with no way back.” J’onn said. He looked tired.
“Do we know anything about the portal? Is there any indication of where they went to?” Kara asked, trying to think of all the possible ways they could work to get them back.
“Brainy was able to recover the remnants of the portal from the scene.” Nia contributed.
“Yes, that is true. I’ll see if I can run some tests to figure out more about the nature of the portal. Maybe it can give us some clue about where it led to, and then we can just work on building a new one to retrieve them. Maybe Lena can help me.” Brainy said.
“Okay, I guess that is a good idea.” Kara sighed. She was frustrated. She wished there was more she could do to help, but until they knew where they were, there wasn’t much left to do.
Kelly was investigating the disappearance of some alien children. As a social worker, the case got brought to her attention, since most of the children who went missing were orphans. All they knew is that most of the children seemed to have been taken around the same area, and they went to go check that out. Kelly took Alex as backup, but no one really thought much would come of it, since they barely had any leads, except for a rough location. After discussing it, they came to the conclusion that whoever was taking the children, was probably smuggling them somewhere else through this portal. Kelly and Alex probably walked in right on the spot, tried to stop them, and, well…
Esme was drawing mindlessly on some paper sheets, far enough to be out of earshot, and they were discussing just what to tell her, since it was getting late, and it wasn’t looking like her moms would be home anytime soon. They decided for the truth. Well, parts of it. They left out the part where they had no idea where they were, or how to get them back. Just said they were on a very important mission to help children just like her, and that they were in a distant place with no cell phones. It would maybe take some time, but they would be home before she knew it. Meanwhile, they said Esme could have sleepovers with her aunt Kara.
Esme, whose body was turning limp from exhaustion, and was leaning heavily against Lena while they explained this to her, just held on tighter to her godmother.
“I want to stay with Aunt Lena!” She said. She was on the verge of tears.
Esme had only just recently turned six, but Kara could see she sensed the seriousness of the situation. She was so little, and she had already been through so much. People had left her before. Kara could see she was anxious over the possibility of it happening again.
“It’s okay, buddy.” Kara glanced at Lena before continuing. “You can stay with your Aunt Lena, if you want. I can pick you up tomorrow morning?” She asked, looking at Esme affectionately.
“No! I want to stay with you too, Aunt Kara. Please don’t leave.” It wasn’t just the threat of tears this time. Kara could see her damp cheeks, the tears running, the way she clung to Lena, the hopeful, sad look she was giving Kara.
Everyone in the room seemed very quiet. Kara looked at Lena. She had the same look Kara knew she had on herself. Her heart was breaking for Esme. Kara didn’t know what to say to that.
After a stretch of silence where no one seemed to know how to proceed, Lena finally spoke. “Well... your place or mine?” She said, looking at Kara.
Kara ran a hand through her hair. Well, that was going to be… interesting.