Chapter Text
There are not a lot of things that are able to faze Tim, but this is definitely on said list.
But let’s start in the beginning, when God apparently created heaven and earth. Okay maybe not quite at the beginning.
Stability was something he had too much of and entirely lacked as a kid. He grew up in a literal mansion but, his parents were only around sometimes. He never doubted that they loved him, in their own way; it just wasn’t the most affirming or healthy way for a child. So, while it was never something he felt was lacking, he still found himself longing for it. Especially later on, striving to create as much stability as it was possible, both for himself and the ones around him.
It was one of the reasons he wanted Dick to be Robin again. Why he ultimately pressured Bruce into making him Robin. Because he knew they needed stability as well, so he created it the only way he knew: by trying his best to be everything they needed at that point. Whether that was being Robin, a son, a brother or simply a distraction, through it all he always knew deep down that this was what he was doing.
Actually, Jason hadn’t been all that far off when he came back, while wasn’t a replacement, he was a filler. He’d never let himself fully give into the illusion that he could ever replace Jason, nor had he ever wanted to. His only goal was to help out while he was needed, slipping back out again, after he wasn’t needed anymore.
Tim had let himself slip, while his retirement had always been the plan, he became complacent. That was why it hurt so much when Dick took Robin from him. He had forgotten to steel himself for it. He had filled the void left by a son for a time and now someone else was going to fill it, even if Damian was supposed to be there. Damian belonged there. He wasn’t just filling a space, like Tim had.
So, Tim moved on, focusing on the next thing that would help him bring back some stability to the people he loved. He knew Bruce wasn’t dead yet, even if no one believed him at the time. Bruce couldn’t be dead yet. And while everything around him seemed to disintegrate, he held onto this sliver of hope. One more possibility to prove to himself and others that he could do it, that he could bring something to the table. This thought was what carried him through everything that those two years threw at him. Whether it was Kon, Bart, Steph and Bruce dying, or the League of Assassins and his battle with Ra’s, or even stepping up as CEO of Wayne Enterprises. Or even finally the hardest part was learning to live again when Bruce, Steph and Kon came back.
Coming back to Gotham was weird to say the least, everything was changing all the time. He loved his family dearly, but they could be chaos incarnate at times. This combined with the fact that now that he was back, Bruce kind of got it into his head that they all should go to therapy. Had Tim running away to San Francisco and the Titans Tower every time things became overwhelming. And with the Titans was some stability, he felt needed as a leader and accepted as a friend.
Considering the first thought in Tim’s head had been “Fuck you, I’m completely fine!” might point to the Bat actually being right about that. He went but he just wasn’t about to lay open and bare his soul to a stranger. He wasn’t ready for that level of honesty quite yet or ever his mind added unhelpfully. So, he tried to deflect as much as possible, talking about seemingly inconspicuous things, like his best friend.
That kind of backfired when he was forced to examine his relationship with Kon. When Kon came back, at first, he didn’t know how to deal with it all, but most of all he was overjoyed at having his best friend back. But the more he talked about Kon, Tim realized somewhere along the line he had fallen in love with him. He was not quite sure how to handle this new information. Tim didn’t know how to function in relation to him anymore, but Kon had just returned from the dead. Kon was still his best friend, and he makes Tim feel more stable than basically anyone else in the world. He is also simultaneously, the only person able to completely obliterate him; physically, mentally and emotionally.
While they used to know each other inside and out, he now had even more secrets. Kon had already been through so much and had trauma of his own. Tim didn’t need to unload his on the man as well. Not that Tim would actually accept that he had any trauma, or at least he didn’t admit to anyone else that he did at this point in time. Therefore, there was a lot of (unknowingly) mutual pining going on in the beginning.
That was until one day sleepy Tim slipped up and accidentally told Kon that he just really wanted to go stargazing with him. Kon just froze, trying to compute what just happened, which left the former Robin enough time to realize what he just let out. This kind of led to a chain reaction that started with the Tim catastrophizing internally and convincing him that Kon would never speak to him again, had some explosions in the middle and ended with the two of them actually talking.
Talking about your feelings with each other turned out to be actually healthy for them and resulted in the two of them starting to date, to just about no one’s surprise. Well, no one, apart from their emotionally illiterate dads, Bruce and Lex. Clark had picked up on Connor’s crush along the way. Lex wouldn’t have been much of a surprise before when he had no contact with his child. But Connor had decided to try have at least some kind of relationship with his other father, to get to know him a bit and maybe be able to influence him at least a little. This had resulted in him being presented to the world as Connor Luthor, the estranged heir to Lex, which resulted in quite a media frenzy. Especially considering he decided to still remain largely private, silently attending the press conference where his existence was revealed, just to drop off the radar completely (read: laying low at the Tower for quite a while).
In the following year Tim started, with the help from both his family and his boyfriend, to open up a little more and taking therapy more seriously. His family dynamics would probably never be considered normal, or even healthy if we’re completely honest; but he finally felt secure enough to trust in them as one of his major pillars that were responsible for stability. Kon was the other one.
At this point in time, it became clear that both the infestation of LOA moles in different government agencies via the FBI was becoming a serious problem and that Ra’s creepy obsession with Tim was not going to stop anytime soon. Especially the obsession thing was starting to become a great nuisance in his daily life. The obvious result was to revive Neal Caffrey, an alias Tim had started cultivating back during his years alone and whom he had let one Peter Burke send to jail. They instigated a series of events that lead to Neal getting out on work release as a Criminal Informant for the White Collar Unit of the New York branch of the FBI. This marked the start of Tim’s long term undercover stint as conman extraordinaire Neal Caffrey.
But this specific story began in early December at the office of the White Collar Unit of the FBI field office in New York City. Outside of the windows in the 21st floor, you were able to see the snow fall and even though not every one was equally as excited about that, the general mood of the agents was pretty chipper, the holiday spirit had fully moved in by now. But this meant that it was time for the long-established tradition: the annual holiday get-together. It didn’t actually have much to do with the holidays, that’s what the department holiday party was for, but this was usually a lot more chill and helped immensely with team building. And a huge plus for it all was that no higher ups were allowed, which lowered possible anxiety about making a fool of yourself in font of them by about 1000%.
Okay, it actually wasn’t that big a deal, though the origin story was rather ironic. A few years back the department decided that they needed the agents to be more efficient. So early in December they implemented a set day for an annual team bonding outing. To be fair to them, it actually helped the agents’ bond, just not quite in the way they had planned on it. Trying to avoid any lawsuits about them interfering in their employees’ personal lives, each outing was in smaller groups of people, who already worked together and without any superiors present. Again, the general idea wasn’t the worst and there were quite a few reasons it was still going strong, but it had evolved quite a different character than what the original vision had been.
What exactly happened, always depended on the specific group. But in this group of the WC Unit, it included alcohol and drinking games. They aren’t entirely sure, who specifically started this particular tradition, but it was always a blast and really helped them to come together as a group. Of course, there was one important rule through all of it, ‘what happens at Group Night, stays at Group Night.’ Especially once the alcohol starts flowing everyone kind of let’s loose at those gatherings and secrets are revealed. Basically, it seems like a stereotypical high school party of a close-knit friend group, just with grown adults that are also trained FBI agents. It’s a blast for everyone involved.
Peter might be a little bit sad that he was never really a part of that, but he consoles himself by cuddling with El at the end of the day.
The groups in itself are ever changing and evolving. The team had changed a lot since last year. Lauren had since moved onto a new position and Diana was now back from DC. Her and Jones were currently debating on whether or not they should invite Neal this year.
The possibility of taking over his apartment, drinking his wine collection and getting to know their friend better. Out weight the cons of him being quite literally a con on work release and the inherent trust issues with that. Plus, they think he’d probably be a great person to gossip about Peter and Hughes with.
A week before it is all supposed to happen Diana informs Neal about the tradition. He invites them over to his place and offers to buy the alcohol. One thing he insisted on though, after learning that it would just be the three of them, was bringing Mozzie into the mix. The two agents thought it over, decided that they were both interested in learning more about the absolute character that was Neal’s friend. Additionally, they doubted he’d actually stay the entire time, considering his well-known paranoia. So, everything was settled for a exciting night off, with possibly quite a few revelations to come out of it.
Neal was really excited being invited at all. He had heard a few things about it the year prior, it was basically impossible not to. But back then he was still acclimating and definitely didn’t have that kind of relationship with his colleagues just yet. While he had heard some rumours about what he’d have to expect, he still preferred to be prepared for all individualities. This was one of the reasons he had offered to host the entire thing. It gave him some much needed control in a situation with quite a few unknown variables.
Now over one year into it, he was still surprised at how well it all seemed to fit, how comfortable he had started feeling with the people around him. He hadn’t expected to genuinely like his coworkers this much and he treasured the friendships he had build. Of course, he’d still prefer to be himself again and to see Kon more than he was currently able to, but all in all his life went surprisingly well.
This was why he couldn’t afford to slip up now, why he wanted this gathering to go well. It really calmed him to have it all happen in his apartment. At a place he felt comfortable in. So, he arranged for an extensive cleaning of his apartment and hid everything, that still seemed suspicious to him. He didn’t actually need to get much alcohol, his siblings somehow always seemed to leave some behind.
Another very important preparation was making sure none of his caped friends or even worse his siblings came by that night. This he managed by bribing the Titans with a promise to stop by as soon as possible and getting Alfred on board for corralling his siblings. He’d already bought an antique tea set he knew the butler would like, in a small antique shop and had some of his favorite tea imported, all of which he had planned to gift the man, the next time he’d see him.
The last thing he still had to do was inviting Mozzie and convincing him to come by for at least a little while, even if it was just to get some more info on Jones and Diana. He managed that two days before the event and with that everything was set for the WCU tradition to commence.
The day of the party started pretty slow, which as usual meant mortgage fraud, that somehow still hadn’t become interesting. But unlike most days people were actually relieved, because it meant no stings or overtime would get in the way of their evening plans. The mortgage fraud still sucked though. Neal made miniature copies of some famous painting on the border of his notes. Peter did not appreciate them.
The anticipation in the unit became more tangible with every second closer to five o’clock. The moment the clock showed five, the bullpen was a bustle of packing up and exited leaving. Neal was actually one of the last ones out, bidding Peter goodbye and wishing him a nice weekend, telling him to say hi to El from him. Then he stepped into the elevator, where Diana was already waiting for him. She drove him home and told him she’d see him at eight pm. Diana went home to unwind a little bit and to change into a different outfit. Neal on the other hand started preparing some finger food for later on, knowing he needed to do something to do and not be alone with his thoughts and spiral. All of which lead to some really elaborate and meticulously prepared food for later.
Right on time he heard a knock at his front door and he let Diana in immediately, offering to take he coat, as she stepped into the room. While he put it aside, she took the apartment really in for the first time. It wasn’t her first time in here, being the one to pick up the conman whenever Peter wasn’t able too. But those times were few and far between and usually rater hurried, with her not trusting the infamous New York traffic. She realized how nice the place was and appreciatively looked at both Neals bookshelf, which over the last few months miraculously had another Jane Austen novel show up every now and then over night, and the beauty that was the extensive charcuterie board that was crafted beautifully on the kitchen table.
It was at this point that she saw there had been some reorganisation going on. At least she couldn’t remember seeing a comfy looking couch and two armchairs between the table and the terrace before; right where Neal’s easel used to reside. A smaller table was placed in between, some fancy looking wine bottles and corresponding glasses placed on it. Going over everything she knew about the alleged forger, she probably shouldn’t be quite as surprised at the amount of careful and decisive preparation that seemed to have gone into this, but she was. While exchanging some hellos and a little small talk the suave man showed her to the couch, as she told him she preferred it.
Shortly afterwards Jones arrived, having slightly underestimated the time it took to walk from the Subway. He actually had a similar reaction upon entering, as Diana had had just minutes earlier, having been here even less. Preferring to take the couch as well, he sat down next to Diana and greeted her, while rubbing his hands in an attempt to warm them up a little. Neal took a seat in the green armchair to Diana’s right and checked his phone, that had just pinged a second earlier. “It seems like we’ll have to start without Mozzie”, he told the other two. “He seems to have lost track of time again and is on his way, but he says we should start without him.” None of the people present actually believed any of that, being fully aware that the shorter man probably just wanted the added security of being unpredictable.
Remembering his upbringing by both Janet Drake and Alfred himself, he offered his guests something to drink and some of his better wines to sample, all of which they gladly accepted.
While sipping on wine Neal decided to get some more insight to what was actually going to be happing that evening. It might have been good to know more beforehand, but he had known that the agents wouldn’t let anything slip if they didn’t want too, and he respected their desire for some shenanigans as well. And in case it all got to much, he could always throw them out. Theoretically at least, in reality there had to have a whole lot happen, for him to actually do that. But it was a nice safety blanket in the back of his mind.
With more flair than probably strictly necessary, he leaned back into the comfortable armchair he had gotten shipped over from the manor, while swirling his wine glass. Sue him for having adopted some of Dick’s dramatics in all his years of knowing him.
“So, how about you two tell me what I have to expect this evening? I would hope nothing too involved; I am not quite dressed for that.”, he joked.
A short, silent conversation between the colleagues on the couch later, Diana leans forward to set her wine glass down, while Jones raised his to his lips for another sip.
“I haven’t had the privilege of attending a lot of these yet, but last year it mostly consisted of Jones, Cruz and I sitting together, enjoying a nice evening together and it may or may not have involved some alcohol fueled high school sleepover games. Think Never Have I Ever, Truth or Dare and I’m pretty sure at some point we played Fuck, Marry, Kill; though I can’t remember any alcohol for that one. That was our plan for tonight as well. After all, we all want to get to know you and Mozzie a little bit better?” Diana said with a sly grin.
“While that is true, it is mostly us getting to know each other a little better, with some alcoholic beverages, because why not and it helps lower some barriers. And everything that we discuss here stays between us. Well, everything not too illegal I should probably say due to present and expected company, we do still work for the FBI after all,” she added shortly after, a little more serious.
If he was being totally honest with himself, which he usually was in similar situations, this was not at all what he was expecting, but simultaneously it all kind of fit. And he wasn’t opposed to the general direction of the evening. Though he would have to be careful about the mixture of alcohol consumption, probing questions and two excellent FBI-agents. But he was a Bat after all, he could definitely evade any too problematic questions. A quick mental check on his façade as Neal later, he made sure to casually lean forward, with the signature Neal Caffrey grin on his lips.
“Now that does sound like a lot of fun. While I cannot promise that Mozzie will like all of this for an extended amount of time, I am thrilled to have been invited to this. Maybe I’ll even let you find out a few new things about me.” And to his own slight surprise, he actually meant the last part. After all he considered Jones and Diana as friends after their time working together, and he was really excited to get to know them better over the span of the evening. That meant he might even sprinkle some of the real him into his answers, at least in the inconspicuous stuff, that didn’t endanger his cover at least. Actually, he was going to answer everything as truthful as possible, after all they wouldn’t just take his word for everything anyway. And it would be rather funny to see their reaction to some teasers of his escapades over the years.
They sat together contently for a while, sipping their wine and starting to taste test the snacks.
“Thank you again, Neal, for hosting, even without much knowledge of what is going to happen and for providing both the alcohol and the food. I vote we just start already and just explain everything to Mozzie later, in case he does decide to show up.” Jones suggests to the other two, they just nod in agreement.
“Okay, after deciding that, what rules do you guys usually play with? The fingers, just free, how many shots do you have to take and do you have to explain how it happened if you have done something?”, asks Neal now, trying to get the full picture and avoid any misunderstandings. Different expectations of rules lead to a lot of holes in different walls at home, a fact that Alfred does not appreciate. He’s pretty sure that there was still a uno card stuck in one of the rafters in the library, from that one-time Dick wanted them to have a family game night. It did not turn out quite how the acrobat had expected.
“Our usual rules are that we go in a circle, with the youngest going first, then we continue on counter clockwise. That would have you starting, I hope that is okay with you?”, Jones asks, mid explanation, continuing on after seeing Neal nod.
“Okay, that being cleared up, if you have done the thing that is said, you take either a shot or a bigger sip of wine, if you don’t want to drink hard liquor. Explanations are generally voluntary, though there might be some attempted peer pressure, but that’s just part of the game. If anyone isn’t comfortable with answering they don’t have to and after a few rounds we might change to a different game. Is everyone okay with those rules?” Both Neal and Diana nod in agreement.
Neal stands up gets eight shot glasses, a bottle of strawberry vodka Steph had left behind after her last stay and a pitcher of water. All of which he subsequently places on the small table between them. He fills in a bottom layer half the glasses, switching to water for the other half, before sitting back down. All the while he’s explaining that it is easier if everyone has two glasses, due to not always having to fill them back up and them being able to play longer, due to a lower chance of acute alcohol poisoning. He doesn’t tell him how he learned that from his older brothers that were also the reason of the shot glasses presence in this apartment. For himself he decides that he might start with a couple of shots, but to switch back to his wine sooner rather than later. The wine would be already preferable by just having a lesser alcohol content, but he had made sure beforehand that his bottle was filled with water disguised as wine, to ensure he wouldn’t go overboard.
“Okay, let’s start with an easy one”, Neal said seemingly in thought. “How about never have I ever been an FBI agent.”
Jones and Diana just rolled their eyes at the CI’s antics, before both taking the shot. They weren’t entirely sure about the alcohol, but figured it would probably get better with time. But they both more or less unknowingly agreed that they kind of wanted to know how Neal came in the possession of already opened bottle of strawberry vodka, he had always seemed more like the whiskey type, if anything. It seemed like they all decided to softball the first few, to get some social and tongue loosening lubricant in each other for the first few questions.
“Never have I ever been threatened with a weapon.” Jones and Neal both took a shot.
“Never have I ever had a girlfriend.” Diana and Neal both took their second shot.
“Never have I ever gone to Harvard.” Jones took a shot; Diana can’t suppress a grin.
“Never have I ever had a boyfriend.” To the agents’ surprise, both Jones and Neal took a shot. Realizing they had somehow just assumed Neal was straight, they had to quickly reassess a lot of what they knew about him. Along the way they realized that they missed that Neal had flirted with both men and women during his time with the WCU, he was just a little more subdued when flirting with men. They refrained from asking any questions, partially because they didn’t want to have to let the conman know that they hadn’t realized that he wasn’t just interested in women.
“Since you apparently want to target me, let’s go. Never have I ever come back from another city to work with my old mentor.” Jones eyes were directed at Diana, gleaming with mirth. Due to that he had missed at first how Neal had taken a shot as well. While not expected, he didn’t particularly feel like asking for more info yet. Maybe later.
“First off, I think I’ll go back to wine, my tolerance isn’t that high anymore and I don’t think we want this night to end with an ambulance and a pumped stomach. Secondly never have I ever met my partner in the re-enactment of a movie scene.” While talking, he put the shot glass he was holding back down on the wooden table, picking his wine glass back up. With a small groan, about how Neal even heard about that, Diana took her shot in stride.
“Never have I ever been to an active warzone.” This one was obviously meant for Jones, again Neal takes a sip of his wine. He earns a surprised stare. “What, I’ve been around.”
“Never have I ever snuck a nap at the office.” Diana and Neal, having seen each other sneak away for a quick nap in a quiet corner before share a short look, before both drinking at the same time.
“Never have I ever been officially introduced to the parents.” Both not surprised and somewhat surprised at the same time, the two on the couch take a shot.
“Never have I ever gotten detention.” Again, both drank.
“Never have I ever worn a dress.” While Diana generally preferred to wear pants, a dress wasn’t a stranger to her closet and neither was it to Neals, though that fact did come to some surprise to the agents.
Before another round starts, the door flies open and Mozzie enters the room.
“Oh, good, you already started without me.” He waved them away before anyone could get a single word in, which made Neal smile into himself. The somewhat strange man had become a real friend in the last few years.
“No need to explain, I already know everything I need to know, though I have to say that I wouldn’t have expected this from you suits. I have to say I’m reluctantly positively surprised.” With that, he took the last wine glass from the table. Then opened a new bottle of his favorite wine, that Neal made sure to always have around for him, no matter how much it cost. After that was done, he took place in the second armchair between Neal and Jones, but still the closest to the door and took a long, relishing sip. Everyone was still staring at him.
“Come on, what are you waiting for? I though we were playing Never Have I Ever?”
“If that is how you want to play it, okay. I’ll just assume you already know how we play it, so here we go. Never have I ever had a fiancée.” Jones was the only one taking a shot. Neal thought about suggesting in the next round at the latest, whether they should maybe switch to something less alcoholic as well.
“Never have I ever had a bodyguard.” Diana and Neal take a sip. Not entirely surprising considering the cons they knew about, as well as Diana’s background.
“Never have I ever stalked someone. I am sure you suits have a lot of that in your background.” Mozzie starts strong, but with a short look at his friend he adds, “or have been stalked, just to make it a little more interesting.”
The Tim took another sip of his wine, while the two agents across the table just kind of stare. All the while Mozzie seems kind of disappointed to not have gotten anything out of them, though not actually surprised. And just because they didn’t consider something stalking, didn’t mean it wasn’t. Just what they had done to Neal could be classified by some as such a thing. Speaking of Neal, everything about his current body language told them that he was absolutely not going to tell them anything further. Though it did make them think about how much they didn’t really know about the conman and alleged master thief. While simultaneously remembering how good a conman they knew him to be, which led to credible doubt on the veracity on his claims. But now matter what, they definitely would know him better at the end of the night, whether all his claims had been the truth or not.
“Before we go on, how about we maybe switch to water or something. That might actually be good to prevent a giant hangover tomorrow.” And with that Neal took the vodka bottle and the shot glasses, putting them back in the cupboard and the sink respectively. Bringing back normal glasses and another pitcher of water, he sat back down, placing the items on the table where the others had been moments before. Without giving any of that more attention, he just sat back down and continued on with the game.
“Never have I ever believed In Santa.” Almost in a trance, not entirely sure what just transpired and where Neal had picked up the mother-henning tendencies a lot of team leaders seemed to exhibit, all three of them took a sip of water.
Realizing a few seconds later that Neal probably had had more to drink than any of them, even though he had switched back to his wine earlier, Diana intended to give him a short break.
“Never have I ever disarmed a live bomb.” As she expected Jones took a sip, but for some reasons so did Neal. He had to be messing with them, there was just no way.
“What, did you not expect that? Didn’t you know, Diana, I have layers.” Neal just looks at her smugly.
“Never have I ever met a celebrity.” All three take a sip. No one was entirely sure who Mozzie counted as a celebrity, but they weren’t convinced enough that they wanted to know to actually ask.
“Through my dad’s job I met a lot of people at galas and stuff. Even Bruce Wayne was there a couple times.” Diana just shrugged and offered up an explanation. Now it was Neals turn to be surprised. While he probably should have expected that, he hadn’t.
“Now who haven’t I met?” Quickly deflecting from anything they might be able to read off his face he quipped. “Though I do think my favorite was probably meeting Richie Grayson and Kori Anders a couple years back, before he settled down.” Okay, maybe talking about his brother and his other brother’s girlfriend’s short fake dating stint a few years back might not be the most thought through tactic, but it worked.
“Never have I ever been to Gotham, not that I understand why anyone wants to anyways? The probability of dying is disproportionately high, I am still convinced that our government sends their failed experiments they don’t want us to know about there, which then leads to people like the Gotham Rogues.” Neal and Diana take a sip. Neal for obvious reasons and Diana due to a gala she had been to years ago. She even vaguely remembered a little boy that stood next to his parents like a puppet the entire night, listening, but barely engaging with anyone, much less having physical contact with his parents. But no one wants to drill for more information. Gotham isn’t something the majority of people grasp the reality of and most don’t really want to. Gotham is Gotham’s business.
“I’ll have to bow out now, but let me leave with this one.” While it usually would be Neals turn, Mozzie takes another one.
“Never have I ever lost my spleen.” Mozzie leaves with that oddly specific statement. Neal obviously begrudgingly dinks another sip, cursing himself for ever telling Mozzie about that. Jones and Diana are more and more convinced that they just made this up and everything is just a dream. They would have known if Neal didn’t have a spleen, wouldn’t they? In all of this, which seemed a lot faster for especially the two on the sofa, Mozzie had somehow left the apartment, so quickly and quietly it was impressive. Though he was of course, helped by the alcohol, they all had consumed.
“Okay, how we change it up a bit? Play something different for a while.”, Neal suggests.
Something the other two gladly agree to. After a short break, that included all of them using the bathroom due to the sheer amount of liquid they had consumed since entering the apartment, they all sat back down, thinking about what would round out this evening. Somehow, they all agreed to a few rounds of Fuck, Marry, Kill. Though they wouldn’t be able to remember how that came up later on. So, they all threw the names of a bunch of celebrities, society types and superheroes into Neals signature hat and took turns draw three each.
Jones went first and got Green Arrow, Richie Grayson and Cat Grant. Neal very quickly realized that this game would become rather, let’s call it interesting for him. After Jones decided to kill Cat Grant, marry Dick and fuck Ollie, the latter two he did not want to think about too much.
It was Diana’s turn, she got Wonder Woman, Vicky Vale and Starfire. After a short pause to gather her thoughts, she decided to marry Wonder Woman, kill Vicky Vale and fuck Starfire, which he could get behind, while being still weirded out by all of it.
Then it was his turn, not quite sure what to expect and honestly a little scared it was now his turn to pull three pieces of paper out of the hat. Slowly he unfolds them and nearly let’s out a sigh of relief. Clear as day, with a slight tint of an alcohol buzz, he reads Tim Drake, Connor Luthor and Superboy on them. Now this was going to go a lot easier than expected.
“Now this is easy, kill Tim Drake he seems way to busy anyway, decidedly marry Connor Luthor, all the money without all the responsibility and fuck Superboy, have you seen the man?”
Okay, he could admit that this might come off as a little strong, but he had honest doubts about the other two’s ability to remember everything the next day and it wasn’t as if he’d even lied.
Now it was Jones turn again, this time having the choice between Catwoman, Red Hood and Clark Kent. Which again is something he doesn’t want too many details on. So, he registers that Jason gets killed of due to the duffle bad of doom, Clark Kent get’s the ring and Selina the One Night Stand.
Moving on to Diana, quickly packing the previously learned information into neat little boxes, that he never wants to touch again. She get’s real estate mogul Donald Trump, Olympic archer Cissie King-Jones and journalist Lois Lane. Most of these seem objectively rather easy to decide on, but Neal wasn’t quite as objective, though this was the easiest to ingest for him. Donald Trump was killed, Lois remarried and Cissie had an One-Night Stand. Okay, maybe some of all of that had some slightly more colorful language, but Neal couldn’t be bothered to listen too carefully to all that.
Finally, it was his turn again and he was a little more relaxed after the last round. It couldn’t get that bad, now, could it? And then he learned that it could in fact get even worse. There are not a lot of things that are able to faze Tim, but this is definitely on said list. The three names staring at him, laughing at him were Bruce Wayne, Batman and Lex Luthor. For a moment he thought this must be a bad joke, but after blinking a couple times, they were still there in front of him.
‘Okay, deep breath in, you can do this,’ he tells himself.
Obviously kill Lex, there was no question about that, now there is still Bruce and well Batman left. Trying his best to think around it as possible, trying to take into account what Neal would think, he weighed his options. With a heavy heart and the very deep-seated wish to yeet himself off the nearest cliff or preferably the Empire State Building, he came to a conclusion. He could marry Bruce, there were platonic marriages, right? Which left Batman as the one to, how could he put this less disturbingly, have intercourse with? Not actually better, but he didn’t want to dwell on it too much. Just not the Bruce Version of Batman, that left only Dick as Batman which was barely better in the sense that he hadn’t been adopted by his brother. He relays this to the agents as fast as possible.
“Why was that such a struggle for you? Was choosing between Batman and Bruce Wayne really that hard for you?”, Jones joked. Tim, who was still nauseated to the point of being actually sick, thinking about how he had actually had had the most trouble deciding whether fucking his future father-in-law might be worth never having to touch his family that way, but he knew he couldn’t live with himself for letting Luthor roam free without either Nightwing or Batman around. Not that he was sure about his decision, he hated any possible outcome.
So, he honestly answered Jones: “That was the most difficult decision of my life!”