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When did Tex start noticing? He could never pin down when pointed glares became different and the energy between them changed. There was no way for him to find the moment where every touch started to crackle between them; or maybe it always had? Memories turned fuzzy with time.
There had always been an angry tension between them, one blow away from sutures and a 20 day sentence, but slowly, it faded, and they had been ok, on speaking terms, even, for years now. The Ranger would smile, or they would have a conversation that didn’t end in a fistfight, and Tex would run. Late at night, he would feel his nose, the small crook at the end where he could still remember the crunch of impact, and he would curse himself for being a coward. Again and again, conversations followed him even as his horse took him far away from the Ranger. It didn’t matter how far he ran west, sooner or later, the Ranger would catch up with him and he would relive all of those conversations. He never learned.
The best option was to keep moving, so after a little, he ended up in Nevada, for a few months, but as his cash and supplies dwindled, he threw in the towel and found himself a crew looking for new members. It wasn’t honest, but it was work, and he never cared much about those who had enough money to move it cross country.
Most of those bank carriages never saw it coming, and Tex was living comfortably. He had a roof, built in company, and what more could a lonely cowboy ask for? They enjoyed steady ‘business’ for nearly a year, but those conductors started getting smarter. No more was it a sophisticated 2 man operation, they managed to cram indentured muscle in those stagecoaches to defend the gold.
After two near misses with a bullet, Tex brought up the issue, and everyone decided that it might be better to have another pair of hands. Their leader started sending out feelers, and after a late night at a small mountain bar, he walked in with an all too familiar face. Tex stood there numbly as he was introduced to a man he hadn’t seen in years. He had hoped he would never see the Ranger again. Hoping was a fool's errand, and fate had a nasty way of biting you in the ass when you least expected it.
But there he was, looking at the Ranger’s sly smirk as the other remarked that yes, they had met before. Tex worked hard to keep his face stony as he shook the other’s hand, emotions bashing at his facade of hardened outlaw.
He kept his carefully crafted mask on over their dinner, but fled as soon as he could so he could have some peace. Peace from the other man’s face. Peace from his emotions in turmoil. Looking at the stars comforted him, at least, it usually did...tonight though, as soon as his mind felt comfortably blank, it managed to circle back around to what would be waiting for him when he returned to the barracks.
With a sigh, he heaved himself up from the scrubby grass, and set a painfully slow pace back toward the cramped house. Might as well face this nightmare head on. Oh, and it was a nightmare. It was proximity, the thought of sharing coffee and early mornings, knocking elbows around a table. The sounds of soft but present breathing made it impossible for him to fall asleep because he knew, he knew the Ranger was right across the room.
It all started to build up in his mind. He dropped a plate when the other man brushed up against him in the kitchen, and as he was fumbling with the glass, the Ranger grabbed his hand and snagged a towel with the other.
“Wouldn’t want to mess up that wonderful aim, eh, Tex?” He froze, then stood up quickly and left the kitchen entirely.
He just couldn’t understand. So he stayed up late and stared at the stars, hoping that he would be exhausted enough that he just collapsed in his bed. Even Tex wasn’t stupid enough to know that there was something between them, the way they moved deliberately around each other, an imperceptible dance where they had memorized the steps.
After their 4th or 5th job together, the entire crew decided to go out and celebrate. The bar in town knew its clientele and would turn a blind eye as long as money was involved. Tex was still high on the thrill of getting his (quite generous) paycheck, and agreed.
So, here he was. He had never held his alcohol quite as well, but the Ranger was worse. The fool was a lightweight, and judging by the amount of glasses in front of him, he’d already passed tipsy by more than a mile. The Ranger’s cheeks were flushed, and his leg bounced as he discussed history and strategy and who knows what else. Tex....Tex was tipsy. He had indulged, if only to dull the edge of the loud bar, and maybe sleep better tonight. From the looks of it, though, he would need more. He was getting a headache, and the Ranger’s knee jiggled the table and knocked into his own and it felt like a spark before a fire.
He took a deep breath and tried to focus on the conversation, looking sideways at the Ranger. It wasn’t a good idea. The other man was talking animatedly about...he wasn’t quite sure, but with an enthusiasm that took Tex’s breath away. He pushed his chair back violently, muttered something about fresh air, and attempted to walk away without his legs collapsing.
When he was outside, he let out a breath of relief and leaned up against the wooden wall. Inside, he could hear muffled chatter, and the sound soothed him as he looked at the stars. He had almost calmed down when the door swung open with a resounding crack on the siding of the bar.
And, of course, it was the Ranger striding out, a slight wobble in his step as he looked around. He smiled when he saw Tex.
“Come here often?”
“I came here with you, you fool.” The Ranger looked almost hurt at his response, and Tex felt a twinge of guilt.
“Was only joking,” the Ranger said, leaning up beside Tex. “Are you ok? Doesn’t look like there’s much to do out here.”
That was kind of the point.
“I’m fine. Aren’t you supposed to be having fun with everyone else inside?”
“I could say the same thing to you.”
“I really am fine, you don’t need to stay with me.” The Ranger’s stubbornness was all quite a bit too endearing for him.
“But I want to.” Tex stopped.
“What?”
“Tex, contrary to popular opinion, or your opinion, or whatever the hell, I don’t hate you.”
“I didn’t think you hated me,” Tex responded dumbly.
“Well, you certainly act like it. Stop walking on eggshells and enjoy a little bit of goddamn decency, will you?”
Tex could feel heat rising on his neck.
“Sure.” He mumbled.
“Good!” The Ranger brightened considerably, then threw an arm over his shoulders. “Back inside we go!”
What could Tex possibly do but let himself get dragged along in the current?
All too many drinks later, they were arguing about the best way of making eggs, and the Ranger grabbed Tex’s wrist as he demonstrated the best sunny side up flipping technique, and this time, Tex didn’t freeze, just kept on talking.
And the Ranger? The Ranger smiled.
He started smiling a lot more, Tex noticed. To his credit, Tex stopped freezing up.
They were friends. Tex never had many friends, and certainly, the Ranger was the closest friend he’d ever had. Sometimes, though, he resented their closeless. His body appeared to be getting mixed signals, the Ranger would brush against his thigh and then he’d need time to calm down, except no, because the Ranger was around him all the time and there was nothing he could do. He liked their truce, and he was decidedly happier with the companionship, but sometimes it was too much.
He reasoned that it was normal for this to happen, close anything was not his speciality, and the Ranger didn’t need to know. It stayed a nagging issue in the back of his mind, though. He started looking a little longer when the Ranger wasn’t. The other man stared into the distance in the mornings, brow furrowed and cup of coffee cold, in his own world. He would start whenever Tex mentioned his name, a hint of color going to his cheeks.
The Ranger used his left hand to shoot, and his right hand for everything else. He was affectionate, more so than Tex was used to. On one particular occasion, Davy, part of their crew, had gone down with some sort of terrible stomach illness, and after days of vomiting when his fever broke, the Ranger hugged him until the man looked queasy. Tex felt queasy looking at the scene. Logically, he knew it was because he might be ill as well, but something about that unabridged affection made him feel that old anger again. It was all getting to his head.
Tex hadn’t finished school, like most, but the Ranger had made it further than anyone around here. He probably had more social experience, right? So, one night, as they sat out under the stars, Tex asked him what it felt like to like someone.
“I like you, Tex.”
Tex was taken off guard by how much that did to him. “Not, like that.” He muttered. “But to -” he stuttered “-want someone”. He heard the Ranger swallow next to him.
“Oh. Well…” the Ranger chewed his nail. “I always felt warm. Like being around them felt too much like a fire, and I would combust if I got too close. What about you?”
“I don’t think I ever did. But...there was someone back east who maybe? I don’t know.” He felt the Ranger quiet a little, thinking.
“Everything takes time. We can’t be perfect Tex, we can just be our best.” He stood up, and made for the barracks, leaving Tex with his thoughts. Tex, for his part, did not want to be left with his thoughts. Like: how the Ranger could effortlessly squat down and stand up with a 50 pound sack of sugar on each shoulder. How occasionally, the Ranger would grab one of his battered novels and climb a tree. Tex found a small smile on his face, then noticed and felt nauseous.
The question hadn’t really meant anything, really. He had just wanted to see how the Ranger reacted.
Over the next few days, it felt like the Ranger was almost too close, constantly behind him or looking him dead in the eyes as he talked or following him around like a lost puppy. He’d look up from a chore or something or other, and the Ranger would look away quickly, as if he’d been intently watching. It was too casual to be casual, the Ranger looping his arm around Tex’s waist after a long night of drinking, bumping his knee under the table, complimenting something about him when he least expected it. For his part, Tex rolled with the (non-physical) punches.
Of course, then there was the final straw. Shared barracks had been no big deal, but after one too many entirely too salacious dreams about toned thighs, he had walked in on the Ranger changing, and the man had the audacity to wink. Tex was no blushing barmaid, but it sent his head spinning, and he had about faced before his traitorous eyes could take in any more. He sighed. Even now, the afterimage was burned into his eyelids. The alcohol wasn’t working, just making his head spin faster than a top, pulling his thoughts along for the ride. It just didn’t make sense. Was it some sort of trick?
If it was a trick, it was a grand one. He could almost hear laughter in the rolling thunder outside of the bar. The constant sound of rain on the roof isolated his thoughts so much that he barely registered the Ranger sliding into a seat next to him at the bar. Something small inside of Tex made him stay there, instead of running out into the rain. The Ranger was silent beside him for a few minutes before he started to talk.
“I did have someone I wanted. But they’re long gone.” There was a raw edge to the Ranger’s voice as he spoke, and Tex’s heart fell.
“I’m sorry.” Tex said quietly, clearing his throat.
“It’s ok. I don’t think he was ever interested.” Even with his muddled brain, it only takes a few seconds for Tex to catch on, and when he looks at the Ranger, the man is staring back with an unreadable look in his eyes.
Tex couldn’t speak. The Ranger knew. He knew what had happened and he knew what Tex was, what he thought of late at night and Tex was walking out of the bar into the rain and he was already soaked when the Ranger grabbed him by the arm and spun him around.
“Let me go!” Tex tried to twist his arm out of the other’s grip to no avail.
“You aren’t running again. I’m not going to let you.”
“Like hell you won’t.” With a force he hadn’t expected, Tex shoved the Ranger down, and turned.
“Coward.” Tex wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t finish the fight, or something else. He didn’t want to find out. No one questioned it when he walked into the barracks alone, and if the rain dripping from his hair rather nicely camouflaged any emotion he might have shown.
Tex hadn’t realised how comfortable he’d grown with the Ranger until he had to deal with the other man’s stony silence. He considered forgiveness too many times, when he was tired late at night, and his morals made no effort against him. That was the point, wasn’t it? His entire world poked fun at his abandonment of the one person he could say he truly cared about. If he thought about it too hard, he could even convince himself of stolen touches, long looks that he somehow missed.
It was too easy to imagine slipping back into their comfortable routine, pretending nothing ever happened, and Tex had too much stubbornness in him to hope. Maybe it was just his luck, maybe the universe caught him off guard, but he found himself in the bar, again, being forced into socialization. Even the leader of their little band, James, insisted that he joined them.
“We all need to trust each other, and without you and the Ranger, it’s -”
“We’re not a package deal.” Tex snapped. After seeing the hurt look on James’ face, though, he grudgingly conceded to come along. His gums were itching for a drink, but he didn’t trust himself to not say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Now, in some twisted parallel of the last “family get together”, he was the one whose knee was bouncing, and after almost an hour of conversation drier than his mouth, he excused himself outside to listen to the comforting murmur of far off conversation.
It was a bad idea, of course it was a bad idea. He mentally kicked himself. Because just like last time, the Ranger stumbled out of the bar and looked at him. There was no pick up line this time. Only a soft hello. Tex tried his best to ignore the Ranger, even though he could feel the heat emanating from the man.
“What you said a few nights ago…” the Ranger said quietly a few minutes later. “Do you want me?”
Tex couldn’t move and the Ranger started to back away, about to form an apology.
“No.” He reached out and grabbed the other’s shirt. “Don’t go.”
“Is that an invitation?” The Ranger gave Tex a nervous smile and he was done for. He barely managed to get a response out.
“I - yes?”
“Perfect. I’ve been wanting to do this for quite some time now.”
Tex stood stock still as the other man moved closer. It wasn't fair, how the Ranger could just be casual at a time like this.
“Still ok?” The Ranger asked, breathlessly. Tex answered by yanking his shirt, hard.
“You’re not going fast enough.”
“Well, I could say quite the opposite for -'' The Ranger was cut off when Tex crashed their lips together with much more force than originally intended. To be fair, he had still been expecting resistance from the Ranger, but the other man was pliant under his hands.
Tex flattened his palms against the Ranger's chest, then slid them around to pull him closer. Tex nearly collapsed when the other man fell into him, pressing his back uncomfortably against the side of the building.
Then, the Ranger pulled back, hands on the wall beside Tex.
"It's not polite to leave a lady waiting."
"Just admiring the view." The Ranger said, stupidly.
Then, it happened. Here was the moment on the scales. He could fight away and run and hide and never find peace. He could choose to stay, no matter how much it terrified him. He stared at the Ranger, who looked at him like he was laid bare.
And Tex pulled him back in.