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"You're sure about this?"
"Big responsibility yay!"
Jules surveyed the shack on the south shore of the Unremarkable Shack with a hefty dose of skepticism. It was no Authority. It wasn't even a Fortilla. But if Bushranger was determined to raise an alien parasite, then she was going to help. Even if he had some very strange ideas about parenting.
She sighed. At least she had Kit with her, having landed himself in the same predicament she had, though with slightly different details. For her, it had started with a fairly innocent question.
TWENTY MINUTES EARLIER
"Dad, do you have any nuts and bolts?"
"What?" Midas looked away from the Corny Complex farmhouse and checked his inventory. He dropped them and turned his attention back, then thought better of it. "What are you using those for?"
"Well I found this SMG, but it's suppressed."
"What do you mean, 'but?' That's the best sort-" His eyes widened as she did the sidegrade. He scowled. "I can't believe you just did that."
Jules admired her new rapid fire SMG. "This is way better. The suppressed is objectively bad."
"It's stealthy."
"It sucks."
"I thought I raised you better than this."
"You barely raised me at all."
This was a mistake on her part, as it prompted a tirade about the difficulties involved in running multiple criminal organizations, bouncing between realities, and balancing being a parent at the same time, to which Jules was largely unsympathetic. Perhaps if she had stuck to critiquing him, none of this would have happened, but she'd decided to challenge him instead: "I bet I could do better than you."
This was an even worse mistake on her part, as it prompted a peal of laughter that went on for quite a long period of time, even as she pointed out that he wasn't even a good pet owner, let alone parent, until he pulled her toward the Aftermath, where Bushranger was, and told her she was on her own for that week's legendary quests, then left. Fortunately, Kit was also in the area, as Meowscles had similarly been angered when his son had crafted a heavy AR into a burst.
So now they were here, helping a tree raise an alien, because apparently that was the sort of thing that passed for plot nowadays. Still better than answering Slone's payphone calls. "So we have a house now," Jules said. "What next?"
"Looklook but no find space baby," Bushranger said sadly. He pouted. "Scribblescribble maptimes?"
Jules glanced at Kit to translate. "Mark an alien egg," he said. "There should be plenty in Holly-"
"Pass," she said, shuddering at the thought of the physics-violating alien biomes ruining the place.
"Or we could go to where Zyg and Choppy are- that's the Aftermath this week."
Jules considered this. On the one hand, she was interested in getting a closer look at Zyg. On the other hand, that was the last place she'd seen her dad. But this was progress, right? They'd accomplished something, at least. "Let's go."
So Jules and Kit set out on the nearby boat to the Aftermath, and tactically used the indestructible Spire fragments to spy on the duo until they were able to sneak over to an egg. Jules poked it. "Do we just... pick it up?"
Kit pointed at it. "I mean, now Bushranger knows where to find it."
"But he doesn't have it yet."
"Do you want that thing attached to your head?"
"Not really. It gives me a migraine."
As they were speaking, Zyg and Choppy had completed their loop and were now heading back along their track to Jules and Kit's position, and upon spotting them, presently began firing their ray gun. Jules and Kit ran behind a nearby Spire fragment and took inventory.
"I have a blue rapid fire," Jules said.
"I have a purple burst," Kit said.
"Okay then what are we waiting for?" Jules said. "This should be easy."
And it was. For the most part. Jules and Kit looked at the mythic ray gun sitting where their opponent used to be. "Dibs," they both said.
"It's an SMG!" Jules shouted. "You like shotguns!"
"But it's like a big laser pointer," Kit protested.
"All the more reason for me to pick it up," Jules said, and did so. Then they started heading back to the island that housed Unremarkable Shack.
On the way past the Aftermath, they passed Midas aiming a rail gun into the pool of water below, for seemingly no reason but to give the shark that lived there hell. "Give up yet?" he asked them nonchalantly.
"No," Jules said.
"Well, how's it going?"
"We have a house."
"Does it have a state of the art surveillance system, several squadrons of bodyguards, and unlimited ice cream?"
"No," Jules said. "But it has a parent, so pretty sure I'm already ahead."
Midas reloaded the rail gun. "I'll accept an apology any time, Jules, and this can all go away."
"Over my dead body," Jules said, which made Midas look suitably distraught.
Back at the shack, Bushranger was already tucking in his new alien egg when they returned, because plot. "Egg sit egg sit yay!" he said cheerfully. Then his face fell. "Sad eggs no rhythm sad eggs no soul. Musicsounds good times!"
Jules glanced at Kit. "Collect records," he said. "We could try Pleasant or Craggy-"
"Dibs on Craggy," Jules said.
"But you already stole my ray gun," Kit said.
Jules wasn't normally a nice person, but she decided to be one just this once, mostly because Kit was using his pleading face and it was very hard to say no. So she went all the way to Pleasant Park and looked around and wasn't entirely happy with the results, but was too tired of looking to continue searching.
Kit was already waiting for her when she got back. "What'd you find?" he asked.
"Well I found this in somebody's Halloween decorations in storage," she said, producing a record of the "Fortnitemares 2020" music.
"Oh I was hoping you found something nice," Kit said. "All I found was the 'Storm King' music. Remedy probably left it."
Both of them frowned, recognizing neither was appropriate for an infant. They started to consider trying to find something else, but Bushranger emerged from the shack and snatched their records away. He looked at them thoughtfully. "Scary movie music strange lullaby," he said. "But Bushie open-minded!" Then he pointed at the nearby campfire. "Cold eggs sad eggs! Eggs need fire!"
Jules and Kit glanced at each other. Kit lit the campfire. Bushranger beamed. "Mmmm... Eggy eggy good smell." He paused. "WAIT."
Bushranger ran back inside the shack, then poked his head back out. "Hatchtime soon!" he called. He looked hopeful. "...Bushie ready to be parent?"
Jules and Kit glanced at each other again. They gave Bushranger a thumbs up, then swam across the channel back to the main part of the island. "Okay so we should probably do something about that fire risk," Kit said.
"I know just the place," Jules said.
So they went to Lazy Lake, to the No Sweat Insurance building, and found Agent Jones working the counter. "I thought you were busy being a cow," Jules said.
"That's my other's snapshot's cover," Agent Jones said. "My cover is being an insurance agent. What can I do for you?"
"We were hoping to buy some home insurance for Bushranger," Kit said. "He needs fire damage protection."
"That's pretty hot right now, pun intended," Jones said. "It's been in high demand ever since fire got buffed. I'd have to clear it with my boss." He picked up the phone and made a quick call, and then Chaos Agent joined them a few moments later.
"Why am I not surprised," Jules muttered.
"Probably because your dad and I own Steamy Stacks, Slurpy Swamp, and 30% of Sweaty Sands before it fell to anarchy," Chaos Agent said. "We do still maintain a laundromat there, however."
"You mean, a shell company that's a front for fraud?"
"No, it's an actual laundromat." Chaos Agent looked her over. "You should take advantage of it. I'm sure we could arrange a family discount."
Jules frowned. "We're just here for home insurance."
"Well you are the daughter of the man who convinced me nuclear winter wasn't worth it," Chaos Agent said. "You know, we also provide life insurance."
"I don't think that will be necessary," Jules said. "The parasites aren't that dangerous."
"Well, what about for yourselves?"
"We're loopers."
Chaos Agent tutted. "If I had a vbuck for every time I heard that one, I would have enough money to buy a double page advertisement spread in a magazine. Oh wait." He produced a copy of "Playstyles of the Rich and the Famous," flipped it open, and turned it toward them. "I do."
It was a picture of the last frame before Midas was eaten by a shark from the season 3 introduction video, with the words "I don't need life insurance because I'm a looper" above it and the No Sweat logo beneath. Jules frowned while Kit started laughing. "I'm glad my dad was on the other side of that one."
"Don't fret," Chaos Agent said. "We have an ad with your father as well." He flipped a few more pages and showed them. It was a picture of Meowscles about to get beamed by the Predator from the season 6 opening event cutscene, with the same text and logo. Kit hissed.
Chaos Agent shut the magazine and returned it to the shelf beneath the counter. "Now that I've angered both of you, I believe my work here is done," he said. "Can't miss out on my shows. Toodles!" And he left.
"Well he's as evil as ever," Jules said.
"We're taking it one step at a time," Agent Jones said. "Midas got him down from 'constantly planning armageddon' to 'r/PoliticalCompassMemes shitposter' and now the HR department here is trying to get him down to 'mid-aughts phishing email sender.' So there's been progress."
"On what scale?"
"It's more of a spectrum," Agent Jones said. "So do you guys want life insurance or not?"
"Pass," Jules said. "Home insurance only. Thanks."
However, when they left they realized that home insurance wasn't exactly the most effective way of convincing someone they were ready to be a parent, and they considered their options. Neither of them had any experience but figured it couldn't be that hard. "I mean, it's just gonna attach itself to Bushranger's head and let him jump really high, right?" Jules said.
Kit didn't look convinced. "Maybe we should ask our dads for help after all."
"Absolutely not," Jules said. "We need to do this on our own."
"We could just ask for advice," Kit said. "Maybe see if they have any useful books on the matter."
Jules scoffed. "You do that. I know for a fact that my dad didn't read any parenting books. I'll go shopping for my own." And so she headed off to Retail Row.
Once there, she checked the summary of every book in MacGuffin's but didn't found anything that a new parent would find helpful. It wasn't just that there weren't any parenting books; there were barely any books involving parents, period. And the books that did didn't exactly feature very effective ones, either. She considered just buying something suitable to be read to a child, as she figured that reading benefitted any growing organism, but there weren't any of those either.
Maybe this was a bad plan, she thought, as she realized that she wasn't even sure if Bushranger could read. Wait a minute, could Kit read, for that matter? Maybe ingenuity wasn't the only reason he had never seemed to follow those blueprints to the letter...
"Having trouble?"
Jules tried not to grind her teeth. "No, Dad," she said, without turning around.
Midas appeared in her peripheral vision anyway, leaning against the shelf she'd been browsing with his hands behind his back. "You know, you probably would've had better luck if you'd come earlier. But you're the one trying to rush through the legendary quest the day before it expires, after everyone else has already cleared the place out-"
"I don't need your help."
"Fortunately for you," he continued, as if she hadn't spoken, "I happen to have something from my personal collection available." He brandished a book he'd pulled from behind his back: The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Guide: Parenting edition. "Unfortunately, it will cost you one apology."
"Nope."
He pulled out a jar of fireflies in his other hand. "One apology, or I burn it."
Jules stared at the manic sneer on her father's face and realized how wholly unsurprised she was by this threat. She had wronged him- again- and he would have his revenge, however petty. It was what he did. But Jules was not really in the mood for games. She looked over his shoulder. "Oh look, there's Kit, and he's brought us a shark," she said.
Midas' eyes widened as he checked behind him, and Jules took the opportunity to snatch the book out of his hand. "Thanks!" she called as she ran out of Retail Row.
Back at Bushranger's shack, she found Kit already waiting on the beach, taking some time to fish. He reeled in his line when he spotted her. "Find anything?"
Jules raised the book in the air with great gusto. "It's perfect, right? I can't wait until he sees it." She started to flip through it. "Bushranger is gonna be so excited when he sees advice about..." She frowned, realizing the pages weren't set up the way she expected. She slipped off the dust cover and read the title on the span. It was not, in fact, The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Guide: Parenting edition. It was, instead, a charming war story of genocide led by a child prodigy without his knowledge. "Okay so, never mind. Did you find anything?"
"Yes," Kit said. "My dad was in Holly Hedges making deliveries and collecting on the aliens' debts, but they all paid him back, with interest. It's like they all got a huge influx of cash from somewhere. Anyway, Dad used that money to write his own parenting book." He held it up. It was called, If You Give a Cat a Yacht.
Jules had a bad feeling about it. She grabbed it and flipped to the first page. "If you give a cat a yacht," she read, "you had better make sure there are no rogue superhero mercenaries hiding out in your spy base." She turned the page. "If there is a rogue superhero mercenary hiding out in your spy base, you better not-" She broke off as she realized what she was reading, and threw the book into the campfire.
Kit frowned. "My dad worked hard on that."
"I'm sure he did," Jules said. "But it's not really about parenting."
"Sure it is. It's about cat parenting."
"Whatever. Did you find anything else?"
Kit pulled out another book. It was Go the Fuck to Sleep. "Apparently this was very helpful to him when I was growing up."
"Aren't cats supposed to sleep, like, 20 hours a day?"
"Jules, why would you think I come from a family of normal cats?"
"Good point," Jules said. "Well, it's better than nothing." They went inside the shack and gave it and the insurance policy to Bushranger, who looked thrilled.
"Bushie have good feeling," he said. "Good times ahead."
And with that, the questline was over. Jules and Kit left the shack feeling good about themselves. They had done it. They'd really proven that they could be parents. They were proud of themselves and their accomplishments, and returned to their battle royaling with a new level of confidence and resolve.
At least, for a week or so, until they noticed Bushranger was missing from his usual spot near the Aftermath. They checked around the area, hoping to spot his speech bubble, but could not find him. They did, however, find a small patch of newly dug ground where sad music seemed to echo.
Kit and Jules stared at it in silence for a while. "Well, it's probably a coincidence," Kit said.
"Of course," Jules said. "He's probably just living at Unremarkable Shack full time now, to look after the baby."
"Of course," Kit said. "I'm sure if we go check on him, we'll find him and he'll be just fine."
"Of course," Jules said.
So they found a boat parked near Risky Reels and rode north to the island, and checked around the shack they'll built, but there was no one there. There were some splinters on the floor that they didn't remember being there previously, however, and they left the building rather quickly and stopped to catch their breath on the beach.
"I think we're accessories to murder," Kit said.
"It's fine," Jules said. "We kill people every half hour. It's fine."
"But he wasn't a looper," Kit said.
"It's fine," Jules repeated. "We'll just ignore it. I mean, he's a tree, right? He'll just, grow back."
"Oh of course," Kit said. "Something goes wrong somewhere off the island's coast, and you decide to just ignore it. Why am I not surprised."
He started staring at something off in the distance, and Jules looked over her shoulder, wondering what it could be. There was a shark fin out there, and when she turned back to Kit, he had his fishing rod out, although he quickly switched back to his gun.
Jules glared at him. "Were you thinking about killing me?" she asked.
"No," Kit said, rather unconvincingly.
"You're a terrible liar. You totally were."
"The sad thing is," Kit said, "this wasn't even the first time I considered it."
Jules almost started yelling at him, but then something occurred to her. "Listen to us," she said, burying her face in her hands. "We're becoming our parents."
"That's right." Kit and Jules were both startled by the voice; they looked towards its source to find Chaos Agent. "No Sweat can't stop you from becoming your parents. But we can help you save by bundling your home and life insurance."
Kit and Jules were both silent for a moment, as the frowns on their faces grew deeper. "So this whole thing has been an ad?" Kit asked.
"Are you really surprised?" Chaos Agent replied. "This is pretty on-brand for us."
"So is this a Progressive Insurance collab?" Jules asked.
"Not yet," Chaos Agent said. "Maybe in 5-6 years, however. Our models indicate that more players will be in the 18-40 age group by then. Until then, we just have to settle for blatant ripoffs."
"So you're admitting to plagiarism."
"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery," he said. "Now, fortunately for Bushranger, your fathers were smart enough to buy the life insurance when they did the questline, so he'll grow back in a week or two. Did you two learn your lesson?"
"I learned the aliens can't be trusted," Jules said.
"I learned that the suppressed SMG and the heavy AR both suck," Kit said.
"I'll take that as a no," Chaos Agent said. "But that just means there are future marketing opportunities to be had. Would you be interested in taking a short survey-"
But they had already started walking away, and, after a short internal debate, Chaos Agent decided not to follow them. Some of the questions pertained to clothing brands, and with her fashion sense, Jules' opinion was hardly useful anyway.
Jules and Kit had meanwhile decided to get some food and headed to Sticks at Craggy Cliffs, where they had the debatable fortune to run into their respective fathers. They shared a lovely meal and conversation punctuated by plenty of instances of "I told you so" from both sides, which was only mildly interrupted by the sudden appearance of a very ambitious but ineffective shark, before leaving to complete the Week 8 questline by erasing Human Bill's memory of his own father.
The end.