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Everything still felt cold.
The water back on Virmire seeped a chill into Shepard’s bones that no amount of adrenaline could shake. Her seat in the meeting room had lost all of its usual support when a round of ice shot through her veins as habit commanded her eyes to look over at Ashley’s empty seat on her right.
Jesus, she was freezing.
None of them had the chance to change; the smell of battle and dried salt worn like a thin layer of armor. Garrus recounted being pinned down at Saren’s base while Shepard clamped her hands between her knees for any sense of warmth she could find. Fighting off the geth was one thing; after months the AI army was nothing new, but trying to simultaneously keep a nuclear bomb safe while drowning in bullets and rising waters marked one of the hardest days of her life. Kaidan had worked as fast as he could to arm the device but then Saren showed up and shit really went sideways. He could practically fly for god’s sake; how were they supposed to fight that?
Slowly she pulled her hands back to her lap. She owed it to the team to at least look like she was not completely lost in her own head.
“...and did you see his face? It’s more than indoctrination, Saren is becoming one of them!”
“That blue crap will just make him an easier target.”
“The indoctrination process, scientifically, is fascinating. He’s a live subject and we’ve never seen something like this play out over a long span of time.”
“Don’t the husks look like that? Once they lose their...humanity? No offense, Shepard. I’ve just never seen a quarian husk.”
The voices of her squad grounded Shepard. For a fleeting moment she closed her eyes and imagined the sounds rushing over her; soothing the aching chill and the raw, ragged hole that beat ruthlessly through her chest.
But being a leader meant her needs came last. Shepard drew in a deep breath and pushed herself to her feet.
She could not crack.
“There’s just too many of them, I don’t think we can hold them off...I’m activating the bomb.”
“What the hell do you think you’re doing, Alenko?”
Shepard’s heart had never slammed so hard into her ribs before, the feeling shaking her hands as she pressed the comm in her ear.
“I’m just making sure this bomb goes off. No matter what.” The implication behind his words was heavy. “It’s done, Commander. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here!”
They had never discussed what they were. The stolen glances, the lingering conversations, that time Shepard got too drunk at Flux and Kaidan caught her around the waist right before she fell off her chair only to hold her for a few heartbeats too long; it couldn't all be for nothing. It couldn’t end just like this.
“Screw that!” Ashley’s words broke through Shepard’s train of thought. “We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Alenko.”
Ashley was her friend. Her confidant. Someone who could share a shoulder and a drink in the same sentence and make it seem as natural as anything. At 25 she was younger than Shepard, but it was clear to see how fiercely she cared for those around her after raising her sisters herself.
“I…” her words dried up before she could continue.
How could anyone make that choice?
Shepard cleared her throat. “Ashley was one hell of a soldier. She was a friend, a fighter. And she knew the risks going into this mission. She gave her life to save the rest of us and we all owe her an unpayable debt.”
Five sets of sympathetic eyes stared up at her. Well, four. Shepard could never really read Wrex’s expressions.
“I’d like to propose a toast before dinner in Ashley’s memory. It’s not much, but with what we’ve got and what we’re up against...”
Garrus shifted in his seat. Liara let one tear slip down her cheek before stopping it. The room was heavy with unsaid words and raw emotions, and Shepard could feel them all. She held her hands together behind her back, desperate for some sense of warmth.
“I think it’s a great idea.” Her shoulders sagged in relief at Kaidan’s words. “This wasn’t your fault, Shepard. It wasn’t any of our faults. The only one to blame here is Saren.”
“I know. And we’ll make him pay.”
It seemed her time in the meeting room would never end. Liara wanted to know if the pieces of her vision had been filled in and joined their minds together before quickly taking her leave, and the council was breathing down her neck for a mission report. They dismissed her claim of Reapers and Shepard was too tired to try and make them acknowledge the threat they were too afraid to see and reluctantly accepted their request to return to the Citadel.
As the council video flickered out, the room went quiet and Shepard’s knees buckled beneath her. Slowly she sank to the floor and felt the cool metal beneath her fingertips. This shouldn't be happening.
“You okay, Commander?”
She chuckled darkly. “You spying on me, Joker?”
“After a day like this? You bet your ass I am.”
Good old Joker. Always knew when to push her buttons in the right way.
“Thanks, but I’m fine. Just need to get back to my room.”
“I can call Alenko if you w- ”
“No.” That was something no one had ever spoken of on board, and she intended to keep it that way. “I mean…I don’t...”
“Don’t worry, just a suggestion, Commander. I’ll see you at dinner.”
She didn’t remember the stairs being that long before, or the hall to her one bed, lifeless room on the mid floor of the ship being so goddamn cold. After wrapping two N7 jackets around herself, Shepard pulled out her secret stash of liquor. She poured two fingers of gin into a cup with a sigh and settled in front of the window seat, slowly letting herself relax out of the carefully crafted control she built around her.
The soft knock on her door broke through the loop of memories of Ash that Shepard has been replaying while she drank, and Kaidan's form filled the frame, worry etched on his face.
“I’m sorry to barge in, Commander, I wanted to check on you. Are you...are you okay?”
His words were gentle but Shepard swiped at her damp cheeks nonetheless. Kaidan gave her a soft smile and moved to sit close by. Not close enough to touch her, and she felt a twinge of annoyance at the thought.
“I’ve never lost a soldier before. I’ve served for years, been to the frontlines. But nothing like this. Nothing quite so...personal.” At first Shepard thought Kaidan was pushing her. But that was absurd and she set the mug on the table to give him her full focus. “To be honest it doesn’t feel real yet. I’m waiting for it to hit me that Ash is gone. Maybe it gets easier with time to lose someone like this.”
“It doesn’t.” Shepard’s voice came out with a crack, realizing the soft brown eyes may have been looking for advice his words couldn’t form. “You get used to the numbness. But you’ll still turn around and expect to see them behind you in the mess hall or the gun range and still be surprised by how hard it can hit you they’re gone. I try to remember every single person I’ve lost in the field, and Ash is no exception.”
Kaidan had never seen the Commander with her hair down, so to speak, and relished the woman showing behind battle-worn armor.
“Have you contacted her family?”
Shepard nodded. “Three sisters. Abby, Lyn, and Sarah, each call harder than the last.”
“You did the right thing.”
Unable to answer that, Shepard looked back out at the stars moving past her window and felt a small sense of comfort in her favorite view. It gave her the strength she needed to continue.
“Do you ever miss it?” Shepard looked over at her companion with a question in her eyes. “Living planet side, that is.”
“I grew up on ships. My parents were Alliance and we bounced around a lot for their assignments. You lived on Earth though?”
“Yeah, just outside of Vancouver. Most nights I’m glad to be out of there. My family is still around so I visit when I can, but there were too many people to feel safe somehow, always a shadow behind you. But I do miss the rain; it used to help me sleep at night and it always felt cleaner once it came through.”
The notion was so romantic Shepard couldn’t help but smile. Kaidan; the Alliance frontman, dreamed of his time in the rain. She felt a spark of warmth in her chest as he spoke.
“I’ve only been to Earth a handful of times. My mother won an award and we went to London when I was twelve for the ceremony, but I only remember the space station and the belltower.”
“We’ll have to get you to Vancouver sometime. You’d love it there.” At the implication he would take Shepard to his hometown, Kaidan blushed and pushed his thumb down the back of his hand to distract himself.
“I’d love to someday.”
Her response must have caught him off guard because he didn’t move away as Shepard’s hand closed over his, her fingers calming his nerves but setting off butterflies in his stomach. Her soft smile gave him a touch of courage.
“Shep - Brianna,” Shepard’s first name was almost never used by the crew. She wasn’t even sure they all knew it. But something about the name falling from Kaidan’s lips made her feel more human than she had in a long time. “Why did you save me?”
“You know why.”
There was no hesitation to her soft words. Through tired eyes Shepard took in the man before her and it finally settled in her mind she had made the right choice. Kaidan was an Alliance career man, had biotic abilities, and was the higher ranking officer over Ash. He was kind and caring, but ruthless in battle when he needed to be. The team needed him. She needed him. But deep down Shepard knew her heart had won out in that moment; the thought of losing the man she cared for so strongly was something she just couldn’t live with.
“The thought of losing you was too much. I couldn’t leave you behind and know I made the right call. It came down to who the mission could go on without, and I knew it couldn't be you. I...couldn't go on without you.”
A rush of warmth met Shepard’s hand as Kaidan slowly wrapped his fingers through hers. She watched entranced as their skin met and the heat spread. Up her palms, her forearms, through the muscles in her biceps. A moment alone with Kaidan was rare due to the nature of their mission and living with dozens of others on an Alliance ship, but Shepard was still surprised at how quickly her body reacted to the intimate gesture of his fingers tracing meaningless patterns over her own.
She licked her lips to hide the emotions bubbling on her tongue. Her heart was pounding too hard to make a coherent thought, anyways.
“I don’t want to hold back anymore, Bri. Not when we know what could happen at any point. I won’t hide what I feel for you, but I know there are regs in place...just tell me if I should stop.”
Shepard gently shook her head. “Don’t.”
The whisper of death that chased them everywhere held its breath for just a moment as Shepard leaned in. Moving slowly she watched for every sign that this wasn’t okay. That she had pushed too far. Kaidan’s pulse jumped as her eyes ran from his chest to his throat to his mouth. But he didn’t shake his head. Shepard watched his tongue dart across his lips and her eyelids fluttered involuntarily. Kaidan’s hand tightened its grip on her, but only to pull her in closer. With only a few inches left between them he reached out to cup her cheek, the pad of his thumb slowly moving across her jawline.
“Brianna…”
Whatever thought Kaidan tried to speak was silenced as his mouth closed over hers. For a moment her mind froze, lost in the sensation of kissing Kaidan Alenko, but her body sprung to life.
In many of her dreams lately Shepard was kissing Kaidan. All over the Normandy, in fact. There were some nights they tangled together near his station, others she dragged him back to her private quarters. Once they were in Joker’s seat but luckily no one interrupted them. No matter how many nights she kissed him in her dreams, nothing compared to the reality. The memory of what she thought she knew was burned away, and Shepard welcomed the change gladly.
Kaidan slanted his lips against hers just so and Shepard reached up to wrap her arms around him. She ran her fingers slowly down the back of his neck and felt Kaidan shiver beneath her, something about it making her smile. The restraint he had to not rush through this was palpable and Shepard knew better than to try.
Aware that so much had changed so fast, Shepard pulled back as her eyes met Kaidan’s. Any fear she had washed away as he smiled down at her with beaming brown eyes.
“I don’t want to leave, but - ” Kaidan was cut short by the dinner bell chiming across the ship. He let out a low chuckle and ran a hand through his hair. “I’ll get out of here so I can pretend to have something else on my mind. I’m sure you want a minute before dinner.”
Shepard nodded and reluctantly walked Kaidan to the door. Her hand hovered over the button for a moment too long before she dropped it.
“What is it?”
“It’s just...once that door opens, I go back to being Commander Shepard. The hero. The leader. It’s been a long time since I found someone who let me be just Brianna.”
Two arms pulled Shepard in and she inhaled the scent of Kaidan’s cologne as the warmth filled her up. “You don’t have to be a hero for me. We’ll figure this out together. Saren, Ash, the Council. You’ve got one hell of a team and...well, I’m not leaving your side, Brianna. I hope you know that.”
Pressing up on her toes Shepard gave Kaidan one last kiss before opening the door. It closed and the silence felt different around her. Like there were promises in the whispers and not just the notes of her failures.
The wound from losing Ashely was one Shepard knew wouldn't heal. At least, not all the way. But that was something she would carry with her as a reminder for who they were fighting, and what they were fighting for. Ashley would have hated it; told her to ‘buck up, soldier’, and do something to make them proud instead of pouting around and feeling sorry for having to make a decision as a leader. Shepard’s friend was a confident, strong woman who knew following orders was the way the Alliance worked. Rules kept the order. But letting loose together made it all worthwhile.
The last time Shepard took Ashley to the Citadel they took shots of something Ashley called an AMF. Shepard never got out of the Gunnery Chief what it stood for. Ashley enjoyed seeing Shepard confused while letting out a whoop to throw back her drink and wouldn’t let anyone answer when her Commander asked. She talked about how drinking somehow brought people together, and Shepard sucked in her courage with the last dregs of gin.
“We lost one of our own today, but that doesn’t make us weaker. Ashley was two parts Alliance and one part Williams, as she liked to say, and would tell you not to look at the math too hard while laughing. All Saren accomplished was pissing me off even more. We’ve got a fight ahead of us, and we’ll drink to those who have helped us get this far.”
Shepard took in her team around her, raising her drink to the empty chair at the end of the table as everyone echoed her sentiments.
“To Ashley!”