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Kunikida had every part of his life planned out. It was written in his ideals. From his 18th birthday celebration to the beginning of his career as a part time teacher, and then joining the Armed Detective Agency at 22. His notes stated things like how he would marry his ideal woman at 30 after knowing each other for 5 years, and dating for at least 3. About how he would have his first child after 35, after travelling the world with his wife and after they’d settled down.
But this wasn’t part of his plans.
Meeting Dazai Osamu wasn’t something he had expected. The brunette had always surprised Kunikida. Constantly angering him by breaking every, single, one of his many ideals. He wasn’t the ideal partner. No, he was far from it. But after some time Kunikida soon realised he couldn’t have asked for anyone better.
Since their first meeting, Kunikida had taken notes on him. Nitpicking at every single one of Dazai’s flaws and how he didn’t even come close to being his ideal partner. How Dazai dressed, how he would show up to work late, how he would constantly harass the waitress at the cafe downstairs.
But eventually, he didn’t know when things started to change, but he found himself seeing the little things Dazai would do, and found them endearing. How Dazai would blow at the strands of hair that covered his forehead when he was bored. How he would wiggle his pen between his fingers on the rare occasions that he’d finish his paperwork. (Emphasis on rare.) The way that he’d pout pathetically when he didn’t get his way. God, he could go on forever.
It was only one Wednesday night when Kunikida realised this fact. He wondered to himself : when did he start thinking about him this way?
If you asked Kunikida to pinpoint a certain time where his heart would start beating faster whenever he was around Dazai, he wouldn’t be able to tell you, because he wasn’t sure of that himself. Something that was so out of character for someone like him, someone who prioritized noting everything, focusing on every significant change in his life and adapting his habits to suit him better.
Curse you, Dazai. He thought.
--
He wanted to get a third party’s opinion on this situation, because frankly - Kunikida found that Dazai seemed to be plaguing his thoughts more and more, and it needed to stop.
Going to Dazai was a big no-no. The brunette would probably just make fun of him. Christ- he could already hear it now.
“What, do you have a crush on me or something, Kunikida-kun?!” Dazai would say in a mocking tone with a shit eating grin on his face. It would be a playful remark of course, but Kunikida couldn’t see any outcome in which he wouldn’t get overly defensive. And while he had his suspicions on his feelings towards Dazai, he definitely didn’t want Dazai to know - especially not if it was a “crush” as the older would put it.
Asking Ranpo also wouldn’t be the best idea. Don’t get him wrong, he respected Ranpo’s intellect and his Ultra Deduction, but the brown haired detective also happened to be a loudmouth. Dazai’s student, Atsushi, would probably be clueless in what to do. After seeing the way Montgomery-chan looked at him, the young weretiger was definitely oblivious to romantic feelings.
Is that what these are?
Kenji and Kyouka were only fourteen, not to mention the most affection Kenji gave to anything would be his cow, Hanako, from his village back in Ihatov - and Kyouka...well...didn’t really show affection to anything but her precious crepes.
He could always speak to Tanizaki, but then again his sister would somehow find out about Kunikida’s “romantic feelings” towards Dazai and like Ranpo, she wasn’t the best person at keeping secrets.
Instead, he went to Yosano. He explained everything to her. The way his heartbeat would start beating faster whenever he was around the brunette. The odd fluttery sensation in his abdomen whenever the older detective would call him “Kuni-kun”. The way his face would heat up whenever he thought about him. She just gave him a knowing smirk and told him, “It’s about time you realised.”
Kunikida didn’t get much sleep that night.
He’d finally come to the conclusion that he, Kunikida Doppo, 22 years old, had feelings for his asshole of a co-worker, Dazai Osamu.
--
Of course it was all for nothing in the end. It made sense after-all. And Kunikida was foolish enough to believe he actually had a shot.
He’d finally been honest with himself, accepting his feelings for his co-worker, his friend. It took all his courage, this could cause the beginning of something new, or a rupture in their friendship.
And as much as Kunikida liked to tell himself that Dazai wasn’t the kind of person to end a friendship over a crush, he began to wonder to himself if he knew what kind of person Dazai was at all.
How much did he really know?
He didn’t know the Dazai of the past. He only knew this one. The one who’d lived in the light. The one who worked at the Agency for two years. It was foolish of him to think that there wouldn’t have been someone else.
Someone from his past. Someone he cared for. Someone he loved.
Nakahara Chuuya was everything to Dazai that Kunikida couldn’t be.
He was strong, and even though he was a Mafia Executive, he was compassionate and kind.
He was patient, despite Dazai finding ways to aggravate him to no end.
Even though he was constantly telling him about how he’d be the one to kill him someday, it was obvious that he cared about him.
He was perfect for Dazai. He’d heard stories about double black. How they were a fearful duo, unstoppable many would say. He’d even heard Mori, the Port Mafia’s boss ramble on about how they were ‘two diamonds who could bring the best and worst out in each other.’ They made each other better people.
Kunikida would put his life on the line for Dazai, but Nakahara has put his life on the line for him, over and over again.
So when he saw the pair, suspended in midair above the wreckage of Skull Tower, Dazai’s hand gently cupping Nakahara’s cheek as they spoke softly to each other - neither breaking their gaze - he felt his heart sink. He was crushed. The first person he’d ever felt this way about already had somebody else.
Dazai had somebody else to care for.
Somebody else to hold.
Somebody else to want.
Somebody else to love.
And god, if it didn’t hurt him whenever he saw the way Dazai looked at the redhead. Brown eyes captured so much emotion, more than he’d ever thought Dazai would allow himself to express.
So much love in his eyes. As if he were looking at his entire world, as if his sole purpose of living was just to stand by the mafioso’s side.
He couldn’t help but think to himself, if he acted faster - would he have been the one to walk into the agency building, hand in hand, announcing their new relationship - just as Dazai and Nakahara did only weeks after?
If he had told Dazai sooner, would Dazai have looked at him that way?
The two had history. They’d known each other since they were 15, since they were teenagers. They had stories that they’d never shared. There were things about them that no one would ever know.
Even if Dazai reciprocated his feelings, would Dazai have ever cared for him, for anyone, the way he cared about Nakahara Chuuya?
He’d never know. It was much too late for his wishful thinking.
So when Nakahara Chuuya and Dazai Osamu announced their engagement a year later, Kunikida couldn’t help but smile, no matter how much it hurt, and be happy for the two. Even if he wished he were in the red-head’s place.