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Finn was frustrated. He was so, so angry. He hated when his brain acted like this, when it wouldn’t listen to him. It was his day off and all he wanted was to get some things done. His laundry for one, calling the bank- something he’d been meaning and trying to do for at least three months- for another. And every suggestion his boys made that he ended up shooting down, made him feel worse.
All he wanted was for his brain to function like it was supposed to. Finn felt like screaming. Logan and Leo had left him alone after he’d asked for some space to become un-whatever he was feeling, but now he was regretting it. He wished they were back in bed with him, tucked into his side, soothing him with their words, with their hands. They always helped, but he didn’t want to be any more of a bother, a burden.
He knew they loved him but sometimes it was hard to see how he didn’t constantly annoy them. He was always getting distracted in the grocery store, getting lost and making impulsive buys, he would forget to take his meds, or accidentally take double his dose, he practically forced them to take care of him. When they watched movies on his laptop they always commented on how many tabs he had open, and kissed his cheek, but maybe they just hated his visceral inability to close any of them. (Who cried over that kind of thing anyway?) He couldn’t cook without burning everything because of how often he forgot what he was in the middle of, and one time it led to the toaster catching on fire, his boys definitely hadn’t appreciated that.
And now he was ruining their day off. Finn thought about just going to the rink, maybe trying to workout and work off some of his frantic energy, or at least tire his body out so he could sleep. Finn sighed, today was just too much.
He got out of bed glancing at the desk where several different projects which had been started and abandoned lay, and grabbed his skates. He’d go to the rink, to the gym, whatever it took so that he could just chill out, so that his boys would love him again.
Finn didn’t think about how often Loops stressed the importance of rest days or how Cap would tell him working out with so little food and water in his system was a bad idea- Finn had been so unable to pause on one thing long enough that he hadn’t even eaten.
Shoving everything in his bag he walked out of his- their- bedroom. Leo and Logan weren’t in the kitchen or living room where he expected to find them. He tried to ignore the voice in his head telling him they’d left, for good, and sent a text in their group chat, letting them know where he was headed, just in case.
While walking he couldn’t stop scratching his nails against his palms, and looked for something else to fidget with in the pocket of his sweatshirt. Or, as he realized when he pulled out a packet of M&M’s, Leo’s sweatshirt. He always kept them stashed around “in case of emergency”.
Deciding M&M’s were better than nothing he snacked on them the rest of the way to the rink, saving a single blue and yellow M&M for last, just like Leo always did.
Once there Finn ran drills and lifted weights, skating until his legs were numb and bench pressing his max weight until he could barely think. Only when he felt like he couldn’t take another step did Finn make his way home.
By the time he arrived at their apartment all he wanted was a hot shower and to fall into bed with his boys, but the feeling he’d been carrying all day hadn’t left him. He opened the door slowly unsure what he’d find in the apartment; he hadn’t checked his phone since he’d sent that text- too scared of an answer- too scared there wouldn’t be one.
Logan and Leo curled up on the couch, watching a movie. It was a sight that normally made his heart grow three sizes, it was a sight he loved. Today though, it felt like a reminder that his presence was unwanted. Finn quietly snuck into the bathroom, even if they didn’t love him, he loved them, he didn’t want to disturb their happiness.
Finn stripped quickly and climbed into the shower, letting hot water run over his tired muscles. Despite the day he’d had, his brain still refused to stop racing and he knew he wouldn’t sleep well that night. Finn let his forehead rest on the tile.
Then there was a knock on the door.
“Yeah?” He croaked.
“Finn? Can we come in?”
Finn couldn’t recognize the voice over the sound of running water. He nodded in response before realizing he had to speak. He felt like his body was shaking with the effort to vocalize a simple “yeah”, like he had to work extra hard to translate his thoughts into something others could understand.
He heard the door open then someone speaking, but he couldn’t distinguish it. He couldn’t move his head from the cool tile. The shower curtain pulled open and he caught Logan’s voice.
“Oh- Finn…”
Finn wondered how he looked at that moment, with his hair plastered to his forehead and his muscles shaking. He wished, not for the first time, that he could be better for his boyfriends, that he could be sexier, and more in the moment. That instead of clutching his hand to his chest he could pull them into the shower laughing and giggling and run his hands over their bodies. But he couldn’t do anymore, he couldn't be any better.
Without Finn having to say a word Logan got into the shower with him, gently taking the hand Finn had been pressing harder and harder into his chest and intertwining it with his own. Finn looked at their hands, the contrast and mingling of pale and tan skin, and finally pulled himself upright, turning to collapse into the shorter boy.
“I really spiraled today.” Finn whispered into Logan’s neck.
“Oh, babe, I know. I’m sorry we weren’t there.”
“It’s not your fault, either of yours. I- I really just- I don’t know-” Finn cut himself off with a question, voice shaky, “- where’s Leo?”
“Just in the kitchen. He went to go make some food for when you’re ready to eat- he thinks- have you eaten today Finn?”
Finn shook his head, then gave a slight nod, “some of Leo’s M&M’s on the way to the gym, that’s all.”
Finn’s body tensed as he prepared to be berated over the mistake, the way his coaches would, but Logan just said “Okay, well then we can grab some of whatever Leo’s making after the shower, or bring it up to bed if that’d be more helpful.”
“Thanks Lo.”
Finn let Logan help wash him and tried not to think about how he was forcing Logan and Leo to be his caretakers again. He let Logan wrap him in a towel and lead him to their room, let Logan help him dress, and then let Logan lead him back to the kitchen for dinner.
When they entered Leo was holding two bowls of steaming soup and a third sat on the counter.
“Hey, I was just about to bring these up.”
“Fish requested we eat in here actually.”
“Okay.” Leo smiled and placed their bowls on the table before grabbing them all a glass of water.
They all ate fairly quietly with little conversation as both boys had picked up on how sensitive Finn was feeling to noise at the moment. Even the clinking of the spoons in their bowls of soup was causing him to tense.
When they finished the delicious broth and bread Leo had made both Logan and Leo looked at Finn, a silent ask, a quiet what now?
Finn gestured to the sofa, grabbing Leo and Logan’s hands before either could try and do the dishes. He knew he was being quiet and probably freaking them out: he was always either talking too much or too little. He could never get it right.
They settled onto the couch, intertwining their legs, with a blanket covering them. Finn lay across Leo’s body and Logan sat at their feet gently running a hand over Finn’s ankle. Finn knew he needed to say something, that they were waiting for him to say something.
“I- I’m really sorry you guys, for- for today.”
Leo pressed a kiss into Finn’s fiery hair, “Finn you don’t have to be sorry for struggling, we’re not upset. We just want to be able to help you. Whether that means next time we give you more space, or less, we just want to be here for you however we can.”
“Exactly what Leo said. Is there anything you can think of that we could’ve done to help you through today?”
“I- uh- well…” Finn stumbled over his words, unable to articulate what he felt, what he thought.
“Maybe you could start by telling us what happened today, from your point of view, so we can understand,” offered Leo.
“Yeah,” Finn sighed, his voice heavy and weary. “That’s a good idea. I just, I woke up and my brain couldn’t settle and I was so frustrated because today was the day I was supposed to catch up on like everything.”
Finn shook his head at himself and continued, “I couldn’t do the laundry or- or call the fucking bank which I’ve been needing to do for months! Or even get my brain to slow and remember long enough to make breakfast. All that stuff started me off and then from there I- like I said to Logan- I spiraled.”
Finn paused trying to describe his day, his ADHD, to them. It was hard, like he was fumbling his own thoughts. Finally he said, “I felt like you guys didn’t love me. I couldn’t- all I could see myself as was a burden, an annoyance.”
He watched their faces drop as both quickly tried to reassure him. He chastised himself for his word choice, he was saying the wrong thing again, just like always. He regretted every word that left his mouth, over analyzing each of them. It was like he could never say the right thing, always messing up and hurting others: they were his collateral damage.
Finn forced himself away from his thoughts, his boys were telling him they cared for him, he knew they cared for him, he did, and he had to tell them that.
“I- I know it’s not true but sometimes I can’t hold onto that, it’s like it slips right through my fingers. But I do know it. Today it was just harder to remember and so I thought I could work off some of the extra-” Finn moved his hands and shoulders as though trying to explain the feeling, “but I pushed too hard and today was just bad in a lot of ways, for a lot of reasons. Sorry.”
“What are you sorry for Fish?” Logan asked softly.
“I just talked for who knows how long. All I know how to do is talk and talk and I know it’s- it’s annoying. Sorry.”
Logan and Leo made eye contact over Finn.
“Fish, neither of us are annoyed by your talking- we love hearing you talk. And if we ever really did need quiet for some reason we would let you know, but we love the sounds of your voice.”
“Yeah- I- even when I’m my most anxious I find it calming to listen to you, whether you’re reading out loud or telling me about something new you're learning or just updating me on your day. I love you so much all the time, Finn.”
Logan was nodding along to Leo’s words, “Exactly. I can’t tell you how often, while at Harvard, I just wished and wished for you, to be able to just listen to you, and now I have that. I love it, I love you.”
Finn’s throat felt tight but a smile still crossed his face. “I love you guys too, so much.”
They looked at each other for a moment, basking in the love, real and tangible as it was, before Logan asked, “so next time? Would it be helpful if we were around more to reassure you or came with you to work out that way you could move if you needed to but would have a reminder of safe limits?”
Leo added, “and I’d be happy to pre-prepare some food, or make something for you?”
Finn thought about their suggestions, “yeah, yeah I do think that could be helpful. It’s a little hard because sometimes I need different things, and a lot of the time I end up in a weird limbo where I equally want and don’t want things. I- uh think that trying to ground myself more would be helpful, and that can come from a lot of things, just depending…”
Both boys nodded.
“Maybe we try some of these things next time and also keep this kind of an open ongoing conversation as we all figure out what’s most helpful?” Leo asked.
“Yeah that sounds like a really good idea. Thank you, you guys for everything, for always being here.”
“Always.” Both boys replied in sync.
Finn twisted his neck slightly to kiss Leo, then leaned forward to kiss Logan. Today had been difficult, but he’d made it, and he had his boys at his side.