Work Text:
"This just can’t be healthy." Aziraphale protested.
"Of course it isn’t." Crowley replied. "But it will be so, so worth it."
Aziraphale pursed his lips in disapproval. "And you know how much I don’t like you going down there. But I suppose it’s useless trying to change your mind at this point. Even though you didn’t have to agree to tell them a secret you don’t actually have."
"Right again, angel." Crowley stretched his wings out. They were at Crowley's flat, where he was showing off the results of his work. Not that Aziraphale was impressed enough to forget that he disapproved of the whole thing.
Crowley rather thought that he wasn’t as impressed as he should be. There he was, standing before Aziraphale, wings conspicuously white.
Aziraphale frowned at the offending feathers as if that was going to change anything. "You can’t possibly think they’re all stupid enough to fall for this trick."
"I can. I do. Think they’re that stupid. They are.1 Honestly."
Aziraphale raised an eyebrow.
"Really. You know why they had me deliver the Antichrist? Me neither. But probably because they didn’t trust anyone else to find the damned hospital."
"Dear, I may not be able to stop you, but I can still refuse to enable you."
"Not like I need enabling. I can enable myself. Self sufficient, I am. Really independent."
Crowley stood before a group of demons who were staring at him like they wanted to rip him to pieces to get to his secrets and pretended that he wasn’t the least bit nervous about it.
"So you’re probably all wondering why I’ve gathered you here today."
At the front of the crowd, Hastur glared at him suspiciously and Beezlebub levelled him with a cold and calculating stare. Someone at the back booed.2
"Thought you’d be a bit more welcoming, with the information I’m bringing. At least pretend you missed me or something."
"We don’t." Replied several voices in unison.
"You’re all boring as heaven," Crowley said, ignoring the offended noises his old colleagues made, "but anyways, whatever. Holy Water. Crazy stuff, that. Can totally and permanently destroy a demon if they’re not careful. And you’d all like to avoid that, so I’m here to tell you how."3
Crowley turned on the projector,4 showing a slide with the words "So You Don’t Want To Die A Horrible Death From Holy Water". Hastur groaned. Several more demons booed.
He quickly flipped to the next slide, which showed him and Aziraphale with the title "The Arrangement". The booing intensified.
"So this whole thing really started because I was lazy."
Crowley's audience quieted down. Stories of demonic vices were something they could all get behind.
"Me and Aziraphale just kept getting assignments in the same places. Complete pain in the ass. We’d travel, put all that work in tempting or blessing people, and for what? Only to cancel each other out. So we started covering each other. We’d get assignments in the same place, and just one of us would go, tempt someone, bless someone, and then we’d send our reports in."
Many of the demons might have asked what this had to do with holy water, had they not been so shocked to hear about an angel performing temptations.
"Anyways, the point is…" Crowley paused for dramatic effect.5
"The point izzzz what, Crowley." Beezlebub cut in, looking unimpressed.6
"…Dolphins!" Crowley exclaimed. "Wait. No. Sorry, wrong point." He switched to the next slide, which showed him with Adam.7 The Crowley in the picture had a big grin, and was holding two thumbs up.
Something flew past Crowley’s head from the audience.
"Excuse me, was that a shoe?"
There was no answer.
"Well, that was rude. Completely uncalled for.8 Anyways, the point is that by the time I was tasked with delivering the Antichrist, I’d already developed a bad habit of doing good things."
Based on the looks of horror coming from Crowley’s audience, he suspected they had an idea where he was going with this.
"So, I thought to myself, well, what’s one more? Not even really that good if you ask me. Downright selfish. Just didn’t want to stop living on earth. So I drove off with the kid, walked into the hospital, and sent him off to the wrong family."
Crowley was forced to duck to avoid a barrage of shoes. He hadn’t anticipated this particular hazard of his plan.
"Of course, that wasn’t enough to be sure he wouldn’t end the world. I kept an eye on him, visited when I could sneak off. Made sure he was growing up normal. Human. Wouldn’t want to destroy the earth."
Fortunately for Crowley, most of his audience was already out of shoes.
"And so… after a few years of that, She forgave me."9
There was a tense silence, and after a few seconds, Crowley revealed his wings. Hastur made an undignified sound that reminded Crowley of when he’d killed Ligur with Holy Water.10
Crowley grinned at Hastur. "Still feeling lucky?"
Hastur answered by fleeing the room.
"Anyways, there you all have it. I just… sauntered vaguely upwards."
Crowley made for the exit before anyone could decide how to respond to that. He thought he heard the sound of a riot breaking out behind him.
"Well? How’d it go?"
After returning to earth, Crowley found Aziraphale at the bookshop. Aziraphale immediately pretended that he hadn’t been pacing the entire time.
"Went off without a hitch. Dunno how many of them actually bought my story, but Hastur definitely did, and they started fighting when I left."
"As long as you weren’t hurt, my dear"
"They threw some shoes at me, but they have terrible aim."
"And you promise me not to go back down there again."
"Course not, isn’t like they’d let me back anyways. But I’m wondering if I could convince Gabriel…"
"Don’t you dare."
1. They really are. return to text
2. Heckling is a popular pastime among demons. In true demonic fashion, they are not very creative about it. return to text
3. Crowley was, at this point, deliberately avoiding eye contact with Ligur, who had been brought back to life when Adam stopped Armageddon but still remembered what had happened to him. return to text
4. The projector was not actually necessary for Crowley to get his point across. For that matter, it wasn’t even really helpful. He was only using it to be as annoying as possible. return to text
5. Crowley invented pausing for dramatic effect. He was quite proud of it. return to text
6. As usual, Hell didn’t appreciate his work. return to text
7. Who was very excited for Crowley to return and tell him how his little practical joke went. return to text
8. Shoe throwing is a very serious insult in Hell. The floors there are incredibly disgusting, so a demon has to really hate someone to take a shoe off to throw it. Most demons consider it nearly as offensive as intentional discorperation. return to text
9. This is, of course, impossible, though not for the reasons Crowley believes. I can’t forgive him because he did not do anything wrong. He did not Fall for rebelling, I sent him away because he needed something humans call "enrichment". return to text
10. Naturally, Hastur was thinking of the same thing. return to text