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Janet’s gone. I can’t see through the tears as they fall. I’m trying to change out of my blood stained uniform, but all I can see is her face, her skin still felt warm to touch as I closed her eyes shut for the final time.
Shit she’s really gone.
Somehow through the tears I make it out of the mountain, only to tell Cassie she’s lost her mom for the second time in her short life. I tell her that I will love her and be there for her before I leave her with Janets mom.
I can’t get out of bed today, I don’t want to. She’s still gone, my best friend. If I say her name it will all become too real, so I’m staying here in bed where maybe, just maybe it can not be real for a little while longer.
The phone rings several times, I know who it is but I just can’t right now.
At some point I do make it out of bed, but only for coffee. I can’t face food, I can’t face anything.
Today the texts start, he’s worried. He needs me to text, even just to tell him I’m okay…but I can’t do that, I’m so far from okay, so I don’t reply.
She wasn’t supposed to be off-world. That’s not what she did, he can’t change things so what’s the point in talking about it.
Is it possible to run out of tears? She would have known the answer to that, a cruel irony that she’s the reason I don’t think I can cry anymore.
Colonel O’Neill continues to text and call but I still can’t face him, I nearly lost him too. It’s all too soon, I know I won’t be able to avoid him much longer. I know I still haven’t eaten, haven’t got dressed or cleaned anything in days. I can’t get out of this blackness, he will be the one to drag me out... eventually.
His patience has run out, I hear the key in the lock.
“Carter,” he calls, his footsteps are outside my bedroom now. “Carter I’m coming in..”
He doesn’t say anything when our eyes finally meet. I see my own sorrow reflected in his eyes. He moves towards me, unfazed by my appearance but I suddenly feel embarrassed and pull my bedcovers up around me. He sits down on the edge of my bed.
“Sam..” His arm gently moves around me. He pulls me closer, I rest my head on his shoulder and my question is answered, it is not possible to run out of tears.