Chapter Text
There are 333 rules that a cupid learns before they are released on their first assignment, all of which are detailed in the Cupid Handling of Emotions and Romantic Undertakings Book, also known as CHERUB. Of those many rules, the first three were of the utmost importance:
- Never reveal yourself to a human.
- All instances of Romance must be logged in a timely manner.
- Never become attached.
The first Rule always felt rather redundant; what cupid in their right mind would willingly reveal themselves to a human? The answer was always a bad one. He’s heard of humans capturing hapless cupids and plucking out their feathers to be made into pillows and blankets. Diluc didn’t exactly know what would happen to a cupid after they fell, but he couldn’t imagine losing his wings like that.
The last rule Diluc has never understood; emotions were supposed to be below them, and in fact were a necessary tool that cupids like himself used to make sure the appropriate humans fell in (and sometimes out of) love. That isn’t to say that Diluc has never thought about it, maybe, just a little… But thinking like that is definitely against the Rules. He’s never known of any Cupid that has broken any of them, but he’s heard the rumors -- wings dissolved into nothingness and cast into the abyss to atone for their sins for all eternity. Angels were created to look over these humans. What would an angel be, then, without their wings, without purpose?
Diluc doesn’t even dare to imagine the horror.
At this point, hundreds of years and hundreds of romances into his career, Diluc is ready to retire and leave the world of humans for good . After he gets his full wings, maybe he’ll transfer over to help the Greek Pantheon with paperwork or lounge about in heaven until he’s granted some Heavenly Assignment. If he had any choice in the matter, he would have chosen any other angel-in-training role. That being said, it takes 500 completed assignments (and successful couples) for a cupid to gain their full angel wings. Alas, Diluc is missing one last assignment.
“Great job on your latest assignment, Diluc,” Venti says. He’s slouched against his office chair, feet propped up on the table. It takes everything Diluc has not to snap at his unprofessionalism. “Aether and… whoever. Good stuff!”
“Yes, well, it would have been easier had you told me that my Mark had a twin. I almost got the wrong person!”
“Well it turned out alright, didn’t it?” Venti nudges over a covered bowl with his foot. “Cheese puff?”
“Um… No, thanks.” Diluc watches as Venti tips over the bowl with his foot, using his Angelic Powers to summon a breeze to waft the bright orange snack into his mouth. A useless endeavor, surely; as beings beyond mortal understanding, they required no sustenance and subsided solely on their connection to the Heavens. Eating human food served no purpose except to indulge in taste. As Venti lobbed another cheese puff into his mouth, Diluc had to resist the urge to scoff in disgust. From what he knew of human food, cheese was never supposed to be that color.
“Anyways, now that it’s over and done with, you can go right into your next assignment. Your last one, am I correct?”
Diluc nods. “What about my usual break?”
To assess the quality and longevity of a matchmaking assignment, cupids usually took a break for a few months to regularly check up on the couple. Gone were the days of shooting an invisible arrow and instantly making humans fall in love. Ethics or something, according to Heaven’s PR department. The nudging that cupids did nowadays still allowed humans free will, but it also meant no guarantee that an assignment would result in a good love match.
Venti waves his hand dismissively. “I’ve taken care of it. This is your most important assignment, after all. The higher ups have been impressed with your performance so far, so I’ve taken the liberty of assigning you to a human with quite the impressive future.” He slides a file folder to Diluc, who picks it up and flicks through it. “Kaeya Alberich, private investigator. 26. Scheduled to fall in love on a Tuesday afternoon, about two months from now.”
The picture on the first page is of a man with distinctive blue hair draped over his shoulder. Despite the eyepatch, it’s easy to see the genuine smile through the page. “Popular?” Diluc asks. It’s good to know what he’s working with.
“Yes, but somehow chronically single. Saves more than a few lives in the future, definitely deserves some romance in the meanwhile. As usual, I’ve added the profile of the most likely candidate to match with Mr. Alberich.” He slides a second folder over to Diluc. “Ajax, known to most as Childe. Tartaglia to those who work with him. A scrupulous business man, with some shady business dealings. They will clash in the near future, but I see great potential with them.”
“Seems like a volatile match,” Diluc says, picking it up. 23 and he has already made a name for himself in Teyvat. Not afraid to jump into trouble and never backs down from a fight. He’s not sure what angle to get them started, but he’s had odder pairings in the past.
Venti shrugs. “All we do is give them a nudge. In the end, it’s their free will that guides them.”
-
The first thing Diluc notices about Kaeya Alberich is his smile. It’s not just one smile -- rather, it’s the tiny variations of that smile that catches his attention. From the smal, understanding smile he gives when he’s delivering news to a client, to the bright cheers he gives the barista as he stops for coffee on his break.
Centuries of Cupid work have long since erased any shame Diluc has had, sprawled in the seat across from Kaeya’s desk, staring at Kaeya. The picture really didn’t do him any justice. If he had to describe it, Kaeya’s eyes were brighter than the ocean on a sunlit afternoon, the hair that spills across his face smoother than silk. But the circles under his eyes belie the hours spent in his office, poring over dozens of files every night.
It’s been a week now since Diluc has started… well, stalking Kaeya, for lack of a better word. Luckily for Diluc, Kaeya usually sticks to a schedule of waking up, going to work, then going home, peppered with the occasional night out with buddies or breakfast at the Good Hunter diner. According to the files he was given, Childe frequents the same diner whenever he’s in Mondstadt, but usually only in the dead of night after he’s finished some probably-shady-work.
All in all, it’s the perfect combination for a meet-cute.
The whole bow-and-arrow thing went out of style centuries ago. Cupids now have a plethora of instruments at their disposal when giving their human Mark nudges . Some might scrape their finger with a paper cut to influence their Mark or plan some elaborate Sign from the universe. Diluc has always kept it simple, though.
“Mr. Alberich hasn’t eaten enough today,” he whispers in Noelle’s ear.
“It’d be more convenient to stop by Good Hunter tonight instead of making dinner at home,” he whispers in Kaeya’s.
-
When Kaeya finally gets up from his desk, he’s hardly eaten during the day; it’s only because of his assistant Noelle that he remembers to get some food in.
“Mr. Alberich,” the note on his door says. “Please don’t forget to eat a full meal tonight!” Attached is a Good Hunter coupon.
It’s not a bad idea, Kaeya thinks. He was starving already anyways, and it would definitely be better to drop into Good Hunter on the way back instead of cooking those awful frozen meals again.
Diluc follows closely behind him as he finally locks up for the night.
With a bit of Cupid magic, he manages to slip in behind Kaeya as he gets in his car. Cars are a newer invention Diluc is still not quite used to, and even now they have changed drastically since he first saw them. Since he’s invisible, Diluc resigns himself to clutching the door handle desperately instead of strapping on the seatbelt like he wants.
Before pulling out of the parking lot, Kaeya turns on the stereo, flipping through until he settles on some late-night chill station. If Diluc needed sleep, the soft guitar combined with the melodic vocals would lull him to sleep. Instead, he watches the flashes of colored light flick across Kaeya’s face as he drives.
-
“Can I get my usual, Sara?” Kaeya slides into a booth in the corner of the diner. Sara, the waitress, scribbles something down on her notepad.
“Did you want some coffee with that, Kaeya?”
“No, I don’t want to be up all night. Ah, actually, decaf would be nice.” Sara nods and scribbles it down quickly.
As Kaeya waits for his food, Diluc takes the chance to poke around the diner, waiting for Kaeya’s potential Match to arrive. Other than Kaeya, there are several other late night patrons. One man, a grizzled trucker by the looks of it, is reading through a newspaper as he eats. This gives Diluc an idea; he had been trying to think of a way to get Kaeya and Childe to meet, and the newspaper would give the perfect connection.
“It’s boring sitting here waiting. You noticed the rack of newspapers by the door as you came in. It might be more interesting than sitting here, twiddling your thumbs.” Diluc whispers into Kaeya’s ear.
Kaeya is drumming his fingers on the table, gaze bouncing from the ceiling to the other patrons, before finally settling on the newspapers. He pauses for a moment, debating, before getting up to grab himself a copy.
He skims through the newspaper, not really taking much of it in, until he reaches the crosswords. Kaeya pauses, then, before digging through his pockets for a spare pen. Diluc becomes so engrossed in the puzzle himself that he jumps when he hears a voice speak beside them.
“Ocean blue.”
“Pardon?”
“15 across, water color? Sorry, I couldn’t help myself when I saw you doing the crossword.”
“Oh.” Indeed, the stranger is right. Kaeya jots it in. “Thanks, ah...”
“Childe.” He holds his hand out for Kaeya to shake. “The answer came to me when I saw your eyes.” Childe winks, and Kaeya laughs.
Diluc blinks, surprised. Normally he has to orchestrate things more for his Mark to meet their Match, but it seems like everything has fallen into place so seamlessly. Childe and Kaeya are chatting amicably. He lets a tendril of his angelic power drift over his eyes; already he can see the spark of potential between them growing. Maybe he can finish this assignment faster than the two month deadline and get his wings faster. When Childe slips into the booth alongside Diluc, he has to scramble to get out of the booth without brushing up against either of the humans.
As the two men get to know each other, Diluc passes the time watching as the number of diner patrons dwindle down to two.
“Well, what do we have here?”
Diluc turns around to see his fellow Cupid, Lisa. Technically she’s gotten all of her feathers and is officially an Angel, but her track record was so good that the department begged for her to come back. Now, she works only the most high-profile matches. Diluc can see the shadows of her wings flickering at the edge of his senses.
“Lisa. Your mark is here, too?”
“Of course.” She flicks a hand to the corner. “Over there, by the blue one. The ginger. I’ve nearly got the match settled, all I need to do is wait,” she smiles. Diluc stares.
“The ginger?” he asks. “Childe?”
“Yes, how did you know? You--” she stops, staring at him shrewdly. “Don’t tell me your Mark has eyes on my Mark.”
Diluc hands over his files without a word. She flips through it slowly, then faster. “Absolutely not. If you think you can make a move on my Mark and ruin my streak --”
“Venti himself was the one to assign me this Match.”
“Then find yourself another Match,” she huffs, pushing the papers back into his hands. “There’s no way I’m changing his Match. I’ve been working with them for months! My Match is finally realizing that the feelings between them are mutual! You’re a great friend, Diluc, but this one’s mine.”
“How am I supposed to find another match for Kaeya?” Diluc asks, waving around his file. “He’s scheduled to fall in love in less than two months!” As far as Diluc knew, Venti never made mistakes like this. Maybe he was in a rush and handed Diluc the wrong files?
“Talk to Venti, then. Or find another match amongst your mark’s connections. There’s bound to be someone out there with a bit of potential.” With that, she brushes past him to stand guard by her Mark, pointedly crossing her arms.
-
The Angelic Cellular System was a more recent invention of the Heavenly Authority (“invention” being a very loose term since the technology had technically been “borrowed” from humans).
On his last assignment, this technology was just emerging in Teyvat, so he was already familiar with its use when he was assigned to Kaeya. Unlike the bulky cellular devices created by mortals, Diluc’s cellular device was a small red flip phone, all sleek edges and ultra-modern design. It was much more convenient and discreet than waiting for a comet or meteor shower to send a message back to the Heavenly Headquarters.
After following Kaeya back to his apartment, Diluc ducks around the corner to make a phone call. All of the cellphones were pre-programmed with several numbers, available to dial at just one press of a button; “fast-dial”, it was called. Without hesitation, he presses 0 and holds it to his ear.
“Angelic Headquarters, Jean speaking. How may I help you?”
“Let me guess: Venti’s making you cover for him again?” Jean’s silence is all the confirmation Diluc needs.
“... How may I help you?”
Taking her cue, he decides against making her possible headache even worse. “It’s Diluc. I need to speak with Venti as soon as possible.”
“I’m very sorry, Diluc, but Venti is currently in a meeting. If you would like to leave a message, I’ll be sure to get it to him when he gets back.”
“That’s not an option, Jean,” Diluc groans. He side-steps a pedestrian and huddles closer to the wall. “The Match for my Mark was already assigned to another person. I need Venti to send me another Match or - or do something. ” He kicks halfheartedly at a stray can, ignoring the weird look from another passer-by. “Can’t you do something, Jean? Find me another assignment at least?”
Jean sighs deeply. “I would page him, but he’s stuck in a meeting with the Higher Authorities. I’m sure you understand that he can’t just step out to help one angel.” Diluc hears the shuffling of papers for a moment. “Unfortunately, the Fates have deemed this assignment an absolute priority. You know how they get when things don’t align exactly with their plans. But don’t worry; you still have some time. You’re one of our top performers. I’m sure you can find a suitable replacement.”
“I...” Diluc closes his eyes for a moment. “You’re right. Thank you, Jean. Perhaps I was panicking a bit. Don’t worry about leaving a message for Venti, I’ll drop by later.”
He closes his cellphone with a snap. Now it was time to dig deeper.
-
It’s not hard to compile a list of potential romantic partners for Kaeya, considering he’s been following him around for a while at this point. He jots down his notes on a piece of scrap paper he snags from Kaeya’s desk.
Rosaria - friends since they were children, does not take Kaeya’s shit, fellow wine-enthusiast. Possibly a lesbian (?)
Albedo - co-founder of firm, known each other for years, nice (?), also married to his work. Also does not take Kaeya’s shit.
Wagner - Kaeya’s regular mechanic, very likely thinks that Kaeya is hot, judging by his looks. Kaeya also probably thinks he’s hot.
Diluc sits back. That… isn’t a lot of people. For all that Kaeya knew a lot of people, was friendly with many more, there were so few people that he actually spent time with.
Albedo in particular Kaeya never really saw much outside of work, mostly because Albedo’s cases usually resulted in some extended travel. Other than the couple of times when Kaeya had stopped by Albedo’s side of the office, Diluc didn’t get to see them interact much.
Diluc is debating whether or not to leave Kaeya and snoop through Albedo’s stuff when a series of quiet knocks echo through the apartment.
From where he’s hunched over at Kaeya’s kitchen table, he can’t see who it is, but he jumps up immediately when he hears the “Hey, Albedo.”
Sure enough, when he makes it over to the front door, he sees Albedo at the door alongside a little girl who is bouncing around, held in place only by the firm hand on the handle of her backpack. Diluc has only seen Albedo a few times while following Kaeya to his office, but he looks like he just rolled out of bed. Instead of his usual button down and slacks, he’s tied his hair up messily into a bun and his mismatched socks are shoved haphazardly into sandals.
“... if it’s not too much trouble. I can’t miss this lead, but Alice dropped her off with me on short notice, so I don’t have anyone else. Klee, no, please don’t give Kaeya the bug.”
Klee puts her hand down, and stuffs the beetle into her pocket. “Wasn’t gonna,” she pouts.
Albedo sighs deeply, and Kaeya laughs. “It’s no problem at all,” Kaeya says, patting Klee’s head. “I have the next couple days off anyways, so I can definitely hang out with my most favorite person in the world!”
Klee gasps. “I get to sleepover at Kaeya’s house?!” She bounces up and down, tugging hard on Albedo’s sleeve. “Can we catch bugs and-- and make a huuuge pillowfort --” She spreads her arms out to emphasize. “And hunt for treasure ?”
“Of course! I’ll even tell you about my grandfather’s pirate adventures.” Kaeya winks conspiratorially at Klee.
“Thank you, Kaeya. I really appreciate it,” Albedo says, handing Kaeya a small duffel bag. “Okay, Klee. Make sure you listen to Kaeya, alright? And don’t make too much of a mess.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t let her push me around.” Kaeya steps aside to let Klee in. She tugs on his sleeve.
“Kaeya, we’re gonna go fishing, right?” Klee whispers loudly. An exasperated, but fond, look passes between Albedo and Kaeya.
“I should be back tomorrow night, but I’ll let you know if I take longer.”
“Bye, Albedo! I promise I’ll be good!” She launches herself at his waist, hugging tightly and then bouncing away into the apartment.
Albedo is shaking his head but Diluc can see the small smile hidden behind his hand. “Again, I really appreciate your help. I don’t know where we would be without you.”
“Likewise. You and Klee are practically family at this point.”
Albedo and Kaeya chat a little longer, and he really, really should be sticking around to watch. Instead, Diluc ducks into the living room to see what Klee is up to out of curiosity. By the time Diluc has made it into the room, she’s already made herself comfortable. The contents of her backpack are strewn across the coffee table, and she’s singing a nonsense song to herself as she dumps out her crayons.
Diluc steps aside as Kaeya walks past him to put Klee’s stuff down by the couch.
“So…” Kaeya says. Klee blinks up at him, blue crayon dangling precariously from her grip. “WcDonald’s for breakfast?”
-
It takes an hour to get to WcDonald’s even though it’s only a few minutes’ drive away. Most of that hour is spent with Kaeya struggling to put in the child seat.
(“Does this mean I can sit in the front, Kaeya?”
“Not until you’re older.”
“But you’re not doing it right...”
“I know how to install it! It’s just… missing a couple parts. Or a few.”
“...”
“Who taught you to look so judgy, kiddo? Albedo? And he says I’m the bad influence…”)
This would be a great time to leave and tail Albedo, Diluc tells himself. He’s already behind on his assignment, so another couple days of a detour wouldn’t set him back too much. With Klee around, Kaeya isn’t likely to encounter any instances of romance, so there’s no way Diluc will get in trouble for not logging every action, either.
Albedo has the best potential for a Match, he tells himself, urging his feet to move before Albedo gets too far. Instead, he slips into the passenger seat of Kaeya’s car and follows them to WcDonald’s.
Kaeya is… different around Klee.
Not in a bad way, definitely not, but he’s… softer. Even on nights alone, Diluc has never seen Kaeya make these expressions--
Soft. Indulgent. Gentle.
This Kaeya is not quite the flirty, mischievous man that he witnessed at the diner with Childe, nor is he the charismatic and intelligent detective taking apart cases. All of them are Kaeya, of course, Diluc can recognize that at the very least. But there are so many parts of himself that he hides from the world, stripping back the curtain to expose one part of himself to his few precious people.
Diluc wants to find out more about Kaeya, to peel apart his layers and find out what’s hiding underneath. More than anything, he wonders what sort of expression Kaeya would wear if he knew Diluc was there.
-
When it comes to human children, Diluc is utterly inexperienced. As an angel, Diluc was never born as a child or like the cherubs depicted in human art. Instead, he was created, fully formed, into the body he was in now. An angel’s wings were the only perceptible change they would go through. Diluc himself still had the small wings of a fledgeling, not even enough for him to fly back to headquarters on his own power.
The closest he’s ever been to a human adolescent was the occasional offspring of his matched couples. He would peek over their shoulder and peer down at the tiny things, with their scrunched up faces and wailing cries. Klee is... different from what he expected. Bigger than the babies and definitely not crying. Just as messy, though.
Kaeya gets them each a small meal, chicken nuggets for her, and a burger for him. By the time Kaeya has unwrapped his food, Klee has already started on her nuggets, ripping off the skin and dipping the meat into the piles of ketchup that she had squeezed haphazardly onto a napkin. It gets on her hands and chin, but Kaeya doesn’t seem bothered by it -- rather, he seems pleasantly amused instead, wiping her chin with a napkin in between bites.
And for someone so small, she talks so much . Diluc doesn’t know how Kaeya can keep up with her tangents.
“At school I found the biggest acorn and Qiqi and I wanted to give it to a squirrel, but it ran away and our teacher was teaching us about --”
“Don’t talk with your mouth full, Klee.”
“Shorry.” Klee then proceeds to stuff another fry into her face as she continues talking.
Again, that expression on Kaeya’s face. Diluc can’t help but stare. Even as they drive home and Klee continues to ramble on, Kaeya rarely interrupts her other than to ask a question.
Diluc peeks in on them as they brush their teeth in the bathroom that night. Kaeya helps her put toothpaste on their brush, and they brush their teeth together, with Klee mimicking Kaeya’s every move. Kaeya doesn’t seem at all bothered by having her underfoot, not even when she’s tugging on his arm to get him to read a story.
Diluc follows them to the guest bedroom and slips in as Kaeya tucks Klee into bed.
“Are you gonna tell me a story?” Klee asks, barely muffling a yawn.
“Of course. Did you want any of the books you brought? What about the Dodo King?”
“No, I want --” Klee yawns. “--I want a story about treasure and -- and pirates and things that go boom!”
Kaeya hums, considering. He pulls the comforter higher and smooths it down around her shoulders. “Once upon a time, there was a pirate with only one eye...”
Ah, yes. Family. Diluc understands a little bit better after watching them together. They’re not family, but they are family to each other.
“Good night,” Kaeya whispers, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Sweet dreams.”
It’s nowhere near the most intimate scene that Diluc has witnessed, but he still slips out of the door. What is it like to have that kind of bond with another person? To be able to know a life so young and watch them grow, and also have them know you in return? Diluc presses a hand to his chest. If he had a heart, then maybe, just maybe, it would be aching.
But he is an angel, he reminds himself sternly. Angels and humans are too different to understand each other, no matter how much he longed to forge a connection like Kaeya and Klee’s.
-
The next morning, Diluc trails Kaeya around the kitchen as he attempts to prepare breakfast. ‘Moist and Fluffy Pancakes!’ declares the box that Kaeya pulls from the back of his cabinet. Diluc’s no expert in human food, but the burnt lump on the stovetop doesn’t look anywhere near moist or fluffy. In fact, he’s sure that if he poked it, it would dissolve into ash.
“Kaeya…?” A small voice calls from the doorway. They turn around to see Klee at the kitchen door, dragging her blanket behind her. “What’re you doing?”
“Making pancakes.” Kaeya nudges around the lump on the pan. “Um… What about omelettes instead?”
Klee gasps. “Can you draw Dodoco with ketchup? Pleeeaseee?”
“‘Course, kiddo. Why don’t you get changed first?”
At this point in the assignment, Diluc would normally be up in Headquarters, filing reports and finishing up paperwork. He’d always prided himself on being efficient; his matched couples usually ran smoothly after his initial nudging, so he had little reason to follow them about their daily lives. Honestly, he barely even remembers the names of the last few couples he had matched.
This is what he tells himself, but here he is again, tagging along on Kaeya and Klee’s fishing trip.
It’s research, he tries to rationalize, but what use is fishing to an angel? Klee shouts with glee when she pulls up a fish the size of a fist. How could cream block the might of the sun? Kaeya smudges thick globs of cream on Klee’s face -- “sunscreen”, he calls it. Diluc looks up into the sun, unblinking. He doesn’t understand it.
He doesn’t understand Kaeya, he doesn’t understand humans, and he definitely doesn’t understand the awful squirming in his stomach when he pretends that it’s Diluc that Kaeya is looking at, instead of the scantily clad man in the other boat.
No, Diluc doesn’t understand it at all.
-
Albedo returns the next morning, looking just as exhausted as Klee.
“How was she?”
“Don’t worry. She was perfect. Come in, she’s sleeping in the guest room.” Diluc hears soft murmuring and Albedo walks out of the room with Klee sleeping soundly in his arms. Kaeya beds down, whispering something in Albedo’s ear, and they smile.
Diluc doesn’t even have to use any of his angelic power to see their potential. To share someone you care for and cherish dearly -- surely that was more powerful than any nudge Diluc could give.
-
It’s been over three weeks, and Diluc has made barely any progress on his assignment. Kaeya has gone back to his usual schedule, so he and Albedo barely see each other. He half-heartedly nudges random people into flirting with Kaeya, but it’s just wasted energy without the potential.
Diluc finally has to admit to himself: maybe, just maybe, he needs a little… help.
He takes his chance when Kaeya leaves the apartment to run some errands. He gathers up his precious few notes for his report, presses 1 on his cellular device and waits.
And waits.
And --
Diluc presses 1 again, putting it to his ear this time.
We’re sorry. We are unable to complete your call as dialed. Please try again later.
We’re sorry. We are unable to complete your call as dialed. Please --
We’re sorry --
Panic claws at his throat. His cellular device isn’t supposed to just stop working like that! Angelic technology is the best of the best, there was no way he could drop it off to some human and hope they could understand it enough to be able to fix it.
What was the advice the IT department usually told them? Ah, yes, “have you tried turning it off and on again?” Diluc turns it off, waits a few seconds, then turns it back on.
We’re sorry --
Maybe if he took out the battery and put it back in? We’re sorry. What if he blew on the battery? We’re sorry.
He’s already way overdue on his mandatory report, but since he just called Jean, no one will know to check up on him. He takes the phone apart and puts it back together, dialing random numbers for someone, anyone to pick up. Mandatory visits were mandatory for a reason. An angel who spends far too long away from Headquarters will find that their powers greatly diminish the longer they are gone.
Diluc has never chanced reaching that limit, and he doesn’t want to find out what it’s like now.
He’s still fretting over the pieces that were his cellular device, when he hears the door of the apartment open and shut quietly. Diluc doesn’t bother turning to look at him, pacing back and forth in front of the couch.
“Excuse me?”
Diluc ignores Kaeya and whoever it is he’s talking to, choosing instead to try and use his phone again. We’re sorry. We --
“What the hell do you think you’re doing in my apartment?”
Finally, Diluc turns to Kaeya, only to find him staring.
Back.
At.
Him.
“It… It’s not what you think?” Diluc says awkwardly.
Kaeya takes a heavy step forward, groceries abandoned on the floor.
“There’s not much to misunderstand here. I don’t know you, yet here you are in my apartment. Am I that wrong to think you’re an intruder in my home?”
Diluc doesn’t know what to say to that because yes in a manner of speaking, he was an intruder, and he did stalk Kaeya until he knew his every friend, acquaintance, and former lover. “It’s complicated?”
Kaeya, clearly seeing that Diluc is unarmed, launches himself forward intent on catching him. Diluc shouts and dodges backwards, putting the couch in between them. The lumpy couch does nothing to protect Diluc, as it instead provides Kaeya with a powerful launching pad.
He springs over the back of the couch and tackles Diluc to the ground, tangling them both in a mess of limbs and hair.
“Just lie down and take it! You’re going to jail tonight!”
“I’m not a thief! Just let me explain!” Diluc spits out strands of hair. “I’m --”
“You’re what? A thief?”
“I’m your guardian angel!”
“... What? ” The disbelief in Kaeya’s voice is so palpable that Diluc winces. It does what Diluc intended, though, so he takes that chance to flip Kaeya over onto his back. He doesn’t even resist. Straddled on top of Kaeya like this, some part of Diluc realizes that, oh, Kaeya really was handsome wasn’t he?
“Like I said.” He lets the illusions fall from his wings and spreads them to their widest. Kaeya's eyes widen in shock. “I’m your guardian angel.”