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How To Know You’re in Love: An Essay
–by Ahn Seongmin
As someone who is inexperienced, when told to write a 500-word essay on the topic of love, you tend to find yourself in a little bit of a debacle. Love is hard to come by, as all of you may know – so rare and precious it is, that when you find yourself in love, you either a) freak out, because holy shit this feeling just feels so new and weird and oh my god, are they looking at me right now – or b) have no reaction. Zero. Nothing. Nada. I’ll be focusing on the latter, because it makes me wonder, how can a feeling as strong as love make you feel absolutely nothing?
“It’s Valentine’s Day in two weeks. You know the drill.” Hyeongjun slams a thick stack of papers onto Seongmin’s desk, a slight lilt to his voice as he enters the room. Seongmin groans when he finds an abundance of 2000s magazines scattered across his desk with all the “Relationship Advice” sections tabbed.
“Ask Wonjin. He’s the one in love.” Seongmin grimaces, trying not to think of Wonjin shamelessly flirting with his club’s senior and official editor, Koo Jungmo. He doesn’t know if he should be relieved or annoyed that Jungmo is as dense as stone.
“If I wanted a sappy 500-word declaration of love, I would. But this year will be different!” Hyeongjun throws his hands up in the air with the dramatics of a Roman lieutenant riding his chariot into war. “We need something for single people this year. Something fresh . And I’m leaving it up to you , the most single person I know.” Hyeongjun grins, mockingly almost, but his naturally baby-looking face just makes it look like Seongmin was getting teased by a child. He wanted to wrap his hands around his neck and strangle-
“Aren’t you single too?” Seongmin manages to choke out before his train of thought got replaced by a murder plan.
“Not for long~!” Hyeongjun sing-songs, skipping out of the club room. “You have a week!” He yells behind him.
Well, first off, let’s get the obvious out of the way. You always find yourself looking at them. Or searching for them, if they’re not already in your peripheral vision. You can’t help but stare at them, re-memorising the facial features you already know so well. And maybe your intentions aren’t always romantic – they could be a seatmate, an academic rival – anyone, really. Love comes in different shapes and forms. But still, you find yourself staring, and you can’t seem to pry your eyes off them, no matter how hard you try. Ding, ding, ding! You may be in love, congrats.
Contrary to popular belief, sitting in the last row was boring. Nothing ever happens, like, what about sneakily eating the snacks you brought in from lunch? Or taking a quick nap when the teacher had their back turned? Or even doing something as redundant as flicking rubber bands at each other? But that’s Seongmin’s fault for being in the best class of the year. Everyone outperforms everybody, and it keeps Seongmin on his feet, but holy shit , everyone’s a nerd and he’s bored .
It’s not like he’s super smart or anything, only top of his class for English, but he can’t help but think that the only personality trait everyone had in his class was studying .
As he stares at the sentences scrawled on the whiteboard blankly, having an existential crisis about how he’s literally wasting his youth rotting in a classroom with a temperature exactly like that of Hell, his eyes fall on a familiar face.
Taeyoung, second overall for English, wiggling his eyebrows teasingly as he mouthed ‘ stop being cocky and pay attention ’ at him. Seongmin rolls his eyes, a tinge of annoyance yet excitement, the latter being a feeling he refuses to acknowledge, as he scribbles ‘ shouldn’t you be paying more attention?’ in English in the corner of his notebook. He tears the corner out and crushes it into a ball, aiming perfectly so that it taps the roof of Taeyoung’s head.
Taeyoung frowns as he reads the message, writing back on the same piece of paper and throwing it back at Seongmin. Seongmin dodges, but barely, catching the tiny paper ball before it hits the ground. ‘better study hard, i’m gonna beat you in the next quiz.’
Seongmin scoffs, rolling his eyes. He takes out a red pen and makes some minor changes before crushing up the paper and sending it Taeyoung’s way.
‘better study hard, i’m gonna going to beat you in the next quiz.’
Next, you can see the world in their eyes. And, yes, I know that this is a Singles edition of the paper, but hear me out. When you’re in love, you find yourself spending a lot of time with your other half. So much so, it’s like you become telepathic, and you’re able to understand whatever they’re trying to say with their eyes alone, without them needing to breathe a single word. It’s a superpower, almost. So hey, next time you manage to figure out what your best friend is going to say before they actually say it, congrats! You love your best friend. Romantically or not, let’s save that for the next edition.
They get back their quizzes and Seongmin is face to face with another ‘100%’ written alongside a ‘Good Job!’ at the top of his paper. Although he expected it, he feels relieved, because he can’t bear the idea of losing to Kim Taeyoung.
Taeyoung not so subtly floats over his table, peering at the quiz on the table. Seongmin shifts his pencil case out of the way to give Taeyoung a better look, grinning triumphantly as he leans against the back of his chair.
“We’re tied.” was all Taeyoung said, beaming at the other boy as he placed his quiz, also marked with a ‘100%’ at the top, next to Seongmin’s quiz. “Oh, don’t look at me like that.” Taeyoung tells him, pouting slightly when he notices Seongmin’s annoyed gaze.
“Like what.” Seongmin deadpans.
“Like you’re plotting to follow me home and kill me in my sleep.”
“You know me so well.”
Taeyoung smirks, taking his quiz off Seongmin’s table and returning back to his desk. Seongmin tries to ignore the fact that Taeyoung hasn’t made fun of him back, and he tries even harder to ignore the Hershey’s Kiss that he left at the corner of his desk. He fails at the latter, tearing the packaging open and popping it into his mouth, letting the chocolate melt on his tongue as he tries to distract himself with the Maclaurin’s Series written on the board. The chocolate was sickeningly sweet. Too sweet for Seongmin’s liking.
Another one about their eyes – sorry. Dear reader, have you ever gone stargazing? Personally, I haven’t. But I think staring into their eyes would feel pretty similar, don’t you think? It’s so distracting that it’s annoying, but you still find yourself staring and staring, and you can’t stop. I think the eyes are the most expressive parts of our body. They crinkle up when you smile, they droop when you’re upset and they widen when you’re angry. The sparkle in them dims when they’re sad or mad, but shines brighter when they’re overcomed by joy. And you notice all of that. So rather than being lost in the sparkle of their eyes, you notice their intensities instead, because who are we kidding, you love them, and their eyes hold stars that never burn out.
Did beating Taeyoung at that quiz really bum him out that much? Seongmin wonders as he stares at Taeyoung from across the cafeteria, his back hunched and eyes sad while he zones out, poking mindlessly at the food in front of him.
“Earth to Seongmin? Hello?” a distant voice yells out to him. He didn’t realise he was zoning out too.
“What.” Seongmin mellows out, looking at the boy next to him.
“What pissed in your breakfast this morning? You good?” Minhee asks, and although his words packed quite the punch, Seongmin knows he means well and is simply trying his best to express a feeling most foreign to him – concern.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I did fine on my English quiz.” Seongmin recalls his encounter with Taeyoung and conveniently leaves out the part that they had the same score to Minhee.
“Ugh, I keep getting a 78%. I have no idea what to do to pull my grade up anymore.” Minhee complains to an unresponsive Seongmin.
“Cheat.” Seongmin replies, not really processing Minhee’s words anymore as his mind starts getting filled with Taeyoung, Taeyoung, Taeyoung.
“Okay, Mr 100%. Okay.” Minhee gives up trying to elicit a response from Seongmin, mumbling to himself as he finishes up his food.
Upon seeing Minhee’s empty plate, Seongmin gets up from his chair, stacking the two trays on top of each other and starts walking towards the tray-return station.
“Love you!” Minhee yells from behind, and Seongmin didn’t need to turn back to know that Minhee was absolutely beaming from ear to ear.
He returns the trays and finds himself in front of a vending machine. His brain isn’t connected to his limbs anymore, as he pulls out his wallet and slips a 1000-won bill into the vending machine, pressing on whatever he thinks would be suitable. The chocolate milk falls into the receiving compartment with a gentle tumble. Seongmin reaches out for the barely lukewarm drink and walks towards Taeyoung’s table.
He ignores Taeyoung’s cries of protests as he tries not to trip over his own legs while he walks back to his table with Minhee. He was shaking, and he’s not sure why. Out of embarrassment? Nervousness? Why the hell was he feeling nervous? His thoughts were way too loud and he realises only on the way back to his classroom that he should have probably explained why he gave Taeyoung that bottle of chocolate milk.
Because now, Taeyoung won’t stop looking at him weird.
When you’re in love, it’s like your inhibitions fail and you find yourself doing reckless, impulsive and stupid, stupid things. But that’s good, if you shine a positive light onto it – you’re not afraid to make the first move, even if it means having your feelings exposed or whatever.
“Thanks for the chocolate milk, by the way.” Taeyoung is back to his normal cheery self by the fourth period. “I’m surprised at how you guessed my favourite flavour.”
“You looked like shit.” Seongmin did not mean to say that in that tone. It’s concerning how this normally dormant tone tends to sneak out whenever he’s conversing with Taeyoung. “Also, it’s a thank-you for the chocolate.” He tries again, making sure his voice is softer this time round.
“Ah… I wasn’t trying to make it obvious or anything.” Taeyoung scratches his nape, finally averting eye contact with Seongmin.
Seongmin once again finds his mouth working faster than his brain. “You know, I suck at comforting people, but if you want to talk about it, I’ll listen, okay?”
“Ahn Seongmin cares for people? Unheard of.” Taeyoung teases, looking scandalised.
“I just don’t care for you .” Seongmin definitely did not want to say that. He blames his ingrained instinct of needing to bitch-fight Taeyoung at any given moment.
“Sure, says the one who bought me chocolate milk because he thought I looked like shit.” Taeyoung grins, obviously enjoying the reactions he got out of Seongmin.
“Do you want to talk about it, or not ?” Seongmin properly threatens this time.
“Hmm, I’ll consider it, only if you buy me bingsu.”
Seongmin finds himself in front of a bingsu store later that afternoon.
That, on a side note, is dumb, by the way. To all my Singles who are potentially Singles-Who-Might-Be-In-Love, there’s no point in hiding your love for someone. Trust me, I’ve tried and I’ve failed. Tell them how you feel. “But what if they feel burdened by what I’m feeling?” Dear reader, sometimes, it’s alright to be selfish. The longer you keep it in, the longer it’ll build upon itself and turn into hurt. Sometimes, knowing you’re in love means knowing that you’re being selfish. But that’s just you looking out for the other person, don’t you think?
The bingsu was good, and the company was better , but Seongmin would rather get a brain freeze and die before admitting that second part. Maybe he’ll let Taeyoung beat him at English once too.
Taeyoung was even more talkative out of class than he was in class, if that was even humanly possible. They’re barely halfway through their patbingsu , and Seongmin already knows that Taeyoung has an older sister, is good at English because he lived in Malaysia for two years and has an unhealthy obsession with white boy music. Seriously, Justin Bieber and the Chainsmokers? Seriously?
“So, what about you?” Taeyoung asks as he waits for the ice to melt in his mouth.
“Um, I’m a middle child, I have two brothers, one older and one younger-”
“Oh, do you get like, middle-child syndrome?”
“Kinda,” Seongmin shrugs, “But it’s still nice, I guess. Like what Hannah Montana said, you get the best of both worlds.”
“And you say that I have an obsession with white boy music.” Taeyoung rolls his eyes.
“I still stand by what I said.” Seongmin teases, before feeling the tip of his nose turn ice-cold. He blinks once, registers the look of mischief of Taeyoung’s face, then blinks twice. “You did not.”
Taeyoung’s laugh, airy and boisterous all at once, gets cut short by Seongmin flicking bingsu back at his face, watching it land splat in the middle of his right cheek.
“Oh, it’s on .”
Five minutes later with bingsu all over their uniforms and an empty bowl toppled onto the ground, they find themselves being nudged out of the store by an angry part-timer who definitely doesn’t get paid enough to work there. They’re laughing – hard – with tears in their eyes and their faces sticky from the sweet dessert. And they don’t stop until they see the intersection that divided into two roads down the street.
They calm themselves down, regaining their composure from the giggly messes they previously once were. They fall into a comfortable silence, their footsteps slowing down and falling in sync as they approach the intersection. Seongmin feels like he should say something, he doesn’t know why he feels the need to, but he needs to say something , maybe something about how he enjoyed today, and he wouldn’t mind doing this again. Whatever this is.
Taeyoung beats him to it.
“I had fun today, I feel a lot better now.” He says aloud, not facing Seongmin, like he was announcing this to his invisible guardian angel, telling it, ‘Hey, thanks for making sure the short guy didn’t strangle me to death.’ Seongmin realises only then that Taeyoung never ended up telling him why he was upset. Taeyoung continues, “We should hang out again soon.”
“You caused us to get kicked out of my favourite bingsu place.” Seongmin wants to put some edge to his voice, but the words come out sounding rather fond instead.
“You had fun though.”
They reach the intersection. Seongmin finds himself turning to look up at the other boy. Taeyoung was already looking at him. His eyes were shining.
“Yeah, you’re right. I did.”
Taeyoung smiles, unabashed. “So, we’re still hanging out?”
“Yeah.”
“Good.” Taeyoung says. He pauses for just a second, slightly hesitant like he was choosing the most befitting words that can turn his thoughts into sentences. “I really like spending time with you.”
Seongmin freezes. He doesn’t process what he says next.
“Me too.”
Finally, how does one know that they’re in love? You’re going to hate me for this embarrassingly basic answer, but it’s when you want to be with them all the time. Texting doesn’t cut it, although their texts make you laugh just as hard. You wish to see them. You may be having the shittiest of days, but you feel, if you see them, those shit days will just dissipate, and they could just be standing there, doing nothing. I guess that’s what makes love so powerful. So, don’t be afraid to show them how you feel, because as much as you think that the chances of them feeling the same way are close to nothing, there is still a chance. And what’s life without a little gamble?
“So what you’re telling me is that you accidentally went on a date with Taeyoung, which made you accidentally notice your undying feelings of love for him.” Minhee speaks, low and unhurriedly. “Congrats, you’re in love.”
“Fuck you, can you actually give me some real advice?” Seongmin mumbles, head in his hands as he tries to figure out what to do with the pounding in his chest and his racing pulse like he just injected caffeine straight into his veins.
“As my friend for five whole years, I’m sure you knew very well that I wouldn’t pass up this opportunity to make fun of you.” Minhee starts laughing for the third time that hour. “Plus, I’m as single as you are. I’m virtually useless at this.”
“Hyeongjun is interested in you. Get it in your head already.”
“He’s just being nice!” Minhee screeches, his cheeks immediately being tinted red.
They’re in Seongmin’s room – the perks of having your best friend live two streets away from you – and they’re both teenage boys having boy problems. Seongmin feels like this is his coming-of-age moment.
“How long have you liked him?” Minhee asks.
“Uh, since today?”
“No, like, seriously, think about it. What I think, is that you’ve liked him for a long time, except that you only had your italicised ‘oh’ moment today.”
“Italicised ‘oh’ moment … dear God, I really should have thought twice before asking a fan fiction reader for relationship advice.”
“Fan fiction teaches us single people more about love than any real person could!” Minhee gasps, offended. “But really, don’t you think that one day is too fast for someone to fall in love? You know what happened with Anna and Hans, so, the next reasonable explanation would be that you have been in love with Taeyoung for a very long time. That, or when eating bingsu today, you guys went on a mission to get your crazy sister with ice powers to unfreeze your kingdom. Either one.” Minhee shrugs.
“I hate how smart you are sometimes.” Seongmin finally gives in.
“I’m good at things other than Physics, you know. Although Physics is way simpler than the emotions you’re facing right now. Do you need me to leave so you can gather your thoughts? It’s kind of showing on your face.”
“Gee, that’s a really nice way to say ‘you look like ass’. But no, please stay. I refuse to go through this emotional turmoil alone.” Seongmin groans into his pillow.
When exactly did Seongmin start liking Taeyoung?
Maybe it was that time when Taeyoung beat Seongmin in that one grammar quiz, stuck his tongue out at him, and from that day onwards, Seongmin swore to always score better than him. Or maybe it was when they both couldn’t solve that one Physics question and turned to Minhee for help, and Seongmin got mad because Minhee decided to help Taeyoung instead of him out of pure childishness. Or maybe it was that day when Seongmin had run out of pen ink before his Korean essay exam, and Taeyoung coincidentally picked a pen off the ground and asked him “Is this yours?”
It could be that time when Taeyoung saw that Seongmin didn’t do too well for Maths and offered to share his notes with him, even though Seongmin knew very well that Taeyoung was as equally bad at the subject as he was. Or it could also be that time when Taeyoung gave him a Hershey’s Kiss because he saw that Seongmin was disappointed with not beating him in that stupid English quiz.
Or maybe, just maybe – Seongmin was in love with him from the moment he laid his eyes on him. From his golden skin to his smile that reached the tip of his eyes, Kim Taeyoung is prettier than anyone he has ever seen, and Seongmin couldn’t tear his eyes away. He remembers doing a little cheer when Taeyoung took a seat in front of him, but it all felt so new. It didn’t feel normal – that squeezing feeling in his chest. So, he does the next most reasonable thing – push it so far down that he pretends not to notice it. He lives in denial and ignorance, hoping that feeling will disappear if he pretends to hate Kim Taeyoung.
But he can’t. He can’t when all Taeyoung does is smile at him and gets cheery when they tie on a quiz. He can’t hate him when Taeyoung could see through him despite them speaking occasionally. He can’t hate him. He can only love.
“Done with the emotional rollercoaster?” Minhee asks.
Seongmin opens his eyes, surprised he didn’t fall asleep thinking of Taeyoung. “Yeah. I like him. A lot.”
“Good. Are you gonna tell him?”
Seongmin thinks.
“Yeah.”
So, dear readers, that’s how you know you’re in love. That previous line kind of sounds like a lyric to a Taylor Swift song. There won’t be butterflies nor the exploding fireworks, but rather, it’ll feel a lot like the stars in the night sky. Their shine would be muted because of, you know, light pollution, but you know that they’ll be there, simply existing. That’s what love feels like. Constant and never fleeting. Unmoving. Strong. Something, or someone, you can always find your way back to no matter how exhausted you may be. That’s love.
“If I had known that a bingsu date was all I needed for you to like me back, I would have made a move earlier.” Taeyoung says jokingly, looking at Seongmin with all the love he had previously hidden behind his eyes. Seongmin can’t get used to it.
The confession was extremely anticlimactic – Seongmin had simply waited until the class was empty after the lunch bell rang, and knowing Taeyoung, who refused to go for lunch until he had finished every single one of his lesson assignments, he knew that they would be left alone in the classroom. He tapped Taeyoung on the shoulder and gave him chocolate. “I like you.” he said. Taeyoung was surprised at first, but immediately smiled, reaching out for Seongmin’s hand. It burned, but in a good way.
“Me too.” He replied.
With rosy cheeks and averted gazes, they spend lunch break in class, with Seongmin asking Minhee to buy some bread and chocolate milk for them. Minhee simply places it on Seongmin’s table, winking at his friend and patting Taeyoung on the shoulder before he skips out to meet Hyeongjun at his lunch table.
Seongmin’s excited for where this would go. It’s exhilarating to think about holding Taeyoung’s hand as they walked side by side, their first real date, their first kiss, and he feels awfully like a teenage girl being this love-struck with a boy who has an unhealthy obsession with white boy music. But he wouldn’t have it any other way, he thinks, as he looks into Taeyoung’s eyes, with stars that shine brightly in them. There's no crazy butterflies, just the overwhelming feeling of everything feeling so right.
Author’s Note
P.S. If you’re not in love, maybe send this to a few friends who you think may be in love. This Valentine’s Day, if you can’t be a recipient of Cupid, why not just become Cupid? And then maybe go treat yourself, because a day that celebrates love between people should also celebrate the love between me, myself and I.
Seongmin refuses to look Hyeongjun in the eye during the next club meeting, opting to stare at his empty laptop screen instead, his cursor blinking next to the words “How To Know You’re In Love”.
“I really didn’t expect you to go and get yourself a boyfriend just so you can write this essay, but I truly admire your dedication to this club.” Hyeongjun murmurs as he leans against the door frame, clearly amused with the sudden turn of events.
“I told Minhee you’re in love with him.” Seongmin deadpans.
Hyeongjun freezes. “You… what?”
“Told him you’re utterly, foolishly, head-over-heels in love with my beanpole of a best friend.” Seongmin looks up to see Hyeongjun completely pale. “You’re welcome.” He adds, just to rub salt into the wound.
“So… he knew I was flirting with him during lunch…” Hyeongjun whispers to himself, absolutely mortified. Seongmin snorts.
“He thinks you’re cute, by the way. Go do whatever you want with that information.” Seongmin cracks his knuckles, typing the first line of his essay, speaking to no one in particular because Hyeongjun has already run out of the room, screaming at the top of his lungs.
Maybe he’ll poke his nose into Wonjin and Jungmo’s business later, to get them back for always flirting in front of him. Or maybe he won’t, just so Jungmo can read through his essay later and experience his own love-related epiphany.
That concludes his step-by-step guide on how to know you’re in love.