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Padmé stood at her mirror, delicately draping the white beaded veil over her loose hair, tears threatening to spill from her eyes as she looked herself over. She ran her hands over the silk, draping it perfectly over her shoulders, imagining that she was in her wedding dress, and that there’d been more than one witness, and that they’d spent more time together on their newlywed nights…
But those fantasies were purely that--fantasies.
Yet as she stood there looking at herself, her wedding veil adorning her head, she allowed herself to slip into that longing that she’d been suppressing for so long. She closed her eyes, letting her head loll, and the delicate lace skimmed across the skin of her face as a tear rolled down her cheek.
“I can sense you’re distressed,” said a voice from behind her.
“Ani!” Padmé said, quickly wiping away her tears. “I wasn’t expecting you so soon.”
Without a single word, Anakin walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her on top of her head, the beads on her veil pressing into his lips. Padmé wrapped her hands around his wrists as he did so, and leaned back into his body, savoring his touch.
“I wish we didn’t have to hide it,” she whispered.
“I know,” Anakin said.
“I’m tired of hiding it, Anakin,” Padmé said suddenly, spinning around to face him. “Just once I’d like to walk outside of this house wearing the headdress of a newly married Naboo woman! Just once I’d like to attend a senate hearing wearing a bridal cloak and let it be displayed all across the galaxy! Just once I’d like to stop hiding it and adorn myself like the wife that I am!”
She shook her head and closed her eyes, tears threatening to spill over again. Angling her head towards the ground, she sighed sadly, knowing that she’d never get the opportunity.
Anakin put a hand to her cheek and guided her gaze back up to his eyes.
“I’ve been thinking about that, too,” Anakin said. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About you. About this war. About the Jedi.”
“And…?” she asked.
Anakin opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He just couldn’t muster the strength to say them; saying them would make them too real, too permanent. Once he said them, he’d never be able to take them back, and it would linger on both their minds for decades to come. He closed his mouth and shook his head.
Padmé turned away from him, looking back at the mirror.
“You can’t,” she said, seeming to sense his thoughts. “This war is too important to lose.”
“Not everything rests on my shoulders,” he said softly. “No matter how much it seems like that, sometimes.”
Padmé slipped her wedding veil off and put it back in the storage chest by her bed, right on top of the neatly folded and stored wedding gown. She ran her fingers over the lacy, beaded fabric, savoring the memory of when she wore it so many years ago on that fateful day. She remembered the sun dipping below the horizon as the two of them stared out across the lake, coming to terms with the fact that they were now officially husband and wife. With a regretful sigh, she closed the storage chest and walked back over to Anakin.
“Padmé, you’re not the only--” Anakin trailed off, not knowing what to say or how to say it.
She waited patiently for him to continue. She knew that he wasn’t always the best with words, but he’d eventually say what needed to be said.
“Padmé,” he tried again, putting his hands on her shoulders. “There’s more to this than you.”
“Forget it,” Padmé said. “It’s not that important anyway.”
“No, no; listen to me,” he said, grabbing her hand before she could walk away. “I’ve been thinking about this long and hard. Not just because of you but because of me too. And Obi Wan. And Ahsoka. They’ve all made it quite clear where my place is, and that place isn’t with them. It’s with you.”
Padmé shook her head. “Don’t say these things.”
“Just listen to me,” he pleaded. “Padmé...when the Clone Wars are over...I’m going to leave the Jedi Order.”
Padmé turned away from him and walked outside to the balcony, looking out over the fiery orange lake and purple mountains darkened by shadows. It was just like the sunset when they'd been married, and she couldn’t help but feel nostalgic at the thought of it. It was beautiful, perfect, everything she’d wanted…
She heard the soft creak of hinges, heard his footsteps on the stone, and then felt his arm draping over her shoulders.
“Look at me,” he said, and Padmé did as he bid. “I know that you want this. You’ve been wanting it for so long, and now that I’m offering…”
“It’s not that, Anakin,” Padmé said. “I know I’ve said that I want what other married couples have, but I can’t let you give up your life for me. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”
“The choice isn’t yours to make,” Anakin told her. “It’s mine and mine alone. Once this war is over and I’m no longer needed, I’m leaving. You and I can finally be together; we won’t have to hide anymore! We can let the whole galaxy know that we love each other and that we’re married.” As he said this, he draped her bridal veil back over her head, moving the beaded lace delicately over her features until it perfectly framed her face. “You and I can finally be husband and wife. Forever.”
He leaned in to kiss her, and Padmé parted her lips. His lips were warm and his kisses soft, his arms coming to wrap around her body and hold her up against him. He felt so warm, so safe, so solid. It was like she was clinging to the stability of his body while the galaxy fell into chaos around them; it was like he was the only thing that kept her from drowning in her own fear and guilt and confusion.
“I’d love that,” Padmé said once they broke apart. “But I don’t think it’s possible.”
“Anything’s possible. It’s all as the Force wills it,” he said. “Ahsoka is gone. Obi Wan is pushing me away. The Jedi Council is ostracizing me. You’re all I have left; it’s pushing me to you. You’re where I belong, and nowhere else.”
Padmé’s hands tightened in his robes and her mouth pressed into a hard, thin line as her brows furrowed. She didn’t know what happened in The Order, no matter how hard he tried to keep her abreast of everything, but she doubted that Obi Wan was pushing him away. The way he and Obi Wan were--they were like brothers. More than brothers, even. He wasn’t seeing clearly, and she had to stop him before he started spiraling downward.
“Ani,” she said, petting his hair, “don’t leave The Order for me. They need you--they need you more than you realize. Please don’t do anything rash.” Before Anakin could protest, she put a hand to his lips. “Please. Promise me.” Her eyes swam with tears.
“I promise,” Anakin said at last, kissing her fingertips. “But think on what I’ve said, at least.”
xoxo
The next day, as Padmé dressed herself for another casual day on Naboo, she found herself wandering into the back of her closet, searching out the bridal headdress that had once been her mother’s. It looked the same as the last time she saw it; just as beautiful with not a color dulled nor a bead missing. She delicately took it off of the mannequin, examining it.
As she held it, she pictured it atop her mother’s head, remembering just how radiant she had looked wearing it. Padmé knew that she had been conceived out of wedlock, and that by the time her parents were married she was only a month away from being born, but it mattered not to her. Her mother had always seemed so happy, no matter how scandalous her pregnancy had first seemed to the Nabooians.
Now, as she placed the new wife’s headdress atop her own head, her face lit up just as radiant as her mother’s face had been.
When she stepped out on the lower balcony that led down to the lake, the sunlight hit the headdress for the first time in over a decade and it felt like a long forgotten ghost waking up and remembering that they were once alive.
She watched as Anakin swam back up to shore, having sensed her presence.
As he waded out of the water, grabbing a linen towel to dry himself off, she stepped down the stairs, a fresh robe in her hands waiting for him. Anakin smiled at her as she slipped the soft robe over his shoulders, tying it securely around his waist.
“Have you changed your mind, then?” Anakin asked, his eyes focusing on her headdress.
“I don’t know, yet,” Padmé said, “but I know that I do wish we weren’t a secret anymore.” She put a hand to his chest, her eyes roaming down his body before returning to his eyes. “You would make such a beautiful Nabooian bridegroom.”
“Hopefully someday soon…” Anakin whispered, leaning in to kiss her.
“I don’t know if we ever can. But I do know that I love you, and that I want you to be happy, even if that means you leave The Order. But please, don’t leave it for my sake. I can pretend all day today that the whole world knows I’m married, but when we return to Coruscant, all wedding tokens have to come off,” Padmé said.
“I understand,” Anakin said. “But you have to have been considering it. Seriously considering it. Otherwise you wouldn’t be wearing this.” He gestured to her headdress.
“What would it be like? If you left The Order?” she asked him.
Anakin hummed in contemplation. “I don’t know; I’m not sure. When Ahsoka left The Order, she had nothing with her--not even her lightsabers--but I’m positive she was able to make her own way in the world. It would be different for me; I would have you to come home to. We’d be together, and I could find work somewhere. I could be a Senate Guard, or an Imperial Mechanic, or...or anything. It wouldn’t matter so long as I’m with you.”
“You think about Ahsoka a lot, don’t you?” Padmé said.
“When she left The Order, it was a sign. I don’t belong with the Jedi, just as she didn’t. She came to realize it, and now I’m realizing it too,” Anakin said. “How can they preach about the ennobling power of love and yet pull people apart like they do?”
“I’m no Jedi,” Padmé said, “I don’t have any answers for you. All I know is that The Order is your life, and if you were to walk away from it, you might not ever forgive yourself.”
“You want me to be a Citizen, though,” Anakin said. “A Citizen; not a Jedi.”
“We can’t always get what we want, Ani,” Padmé said. “We all have sacrifices to make.”
“If I can’t be with you, then nothing else in the galaxy would matter to me,” he said. “Nothing. Not even the war.”
Padmé didn’t know what to say to that; she knew he was being honest, and his passion sometimes bordered on selfish recklessness. As she uncurled her fingers in his robe, thinking over his words, she could only say, “Let’s get out of the sun. It’s getting kinda warm.”
Before she could take a single step, Anakin picked her up bridal style, carrying her up the balcony and into the living area of her lake home, setting her down on the couch, him almost sitting on top of her. He pressed heated kisses to her skin, and Padmé wrapped her arms around him as he did, surrendering to the feeling of him ravishing her. It reminded her of their wedding night, the way he had fumbled with her and yet his passion for her had more than made up for his inexperience.
“I’ll leave The Order for you,” he said between kisses. “I’d do anything for you...anything in the whole universe. No matter what.”
“Just be my husband,” Padmé said. “Right now, that’s all I want. Just for you to be my husband.”