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“Dean are we ever gonna talk about Cas?” San’s freakishly large forehead creased with worry and Dean felt his temper spike.
“What’s there to talk about?”
There really wasn’t anything to talk about. Dean didn’t want to talk or even think about Cas anymore. Cas was in purgatory, Dean let him down, and thinking about it made him want to jump off a fucking bridge.
Dean went to the tiny fridge and pulled out a beer. He took small pleasure in the fact that this motel was nice enough to provide bottled water. He suspected Sam only booked such a nice place in Pontiac, Illinois as a small token of apology for leaving him to rot in purgatory.
Right.
“Well,” Sam continued, apparently hell bent on getting something other than anger or indifference from Dean, “you never really told me what happened down there, for one.”
“Listen, I did tell you. Cas let go, he didn’t try hard enough, and I don’t know why.” Dean’s hand tightened around the bottle and he sat down heavily on the motel bed, “I couldn’t save him, and now he’s still down there.” Or up there, or wherever the hell purgatory was located.
Only Cas wasn’t in purgatory, maybe. So far he’d seen Cas twice; once outside of the motel room last night, and once yesterday morning while he was driving. Cas looked just how he looked in purgatory, complete with the dirty trenchcoat and thick beard. Either Cas had somehow gotten out and was reverting back to his creepy old stalking ways, or Dean was actually going insane.
Dean didn’t know which one he’d prefer.
Because if Cas really was out, Dean didn’t want to know why he would just pop up everywhere and anywhere without even bothering to flip Dean off for leaving him in the first place.
I’m not leaving here without you.
Yeah. Right.
“But what happened?” Sam wouldn’t let it go, “He’s my friend too, Dean. And I’m curious. Why didn’t he get out with you?”
It was just the condensation on the bottle that made Dean’s fingers numb. “Look,” he finally gritted out, “I get it, you’re confused or what the fuck ever, but dude, he couldn’t get out. I could. Let it go.”
“But Dean-”
“I said let it go.” He focused his gaze from the floor and back to Sam. Something on his face must have told Sam to back off because he shook his head, tsked, and looked back down at his laptop.
“So,” Sam said after a pause, “I found a case. Five bodies. All drained of blood, there were even puncture wounds on their necks.”
Dean felt a surge of gratefulness melt away at the block of ice that Sam’s abandonment created. “So, vamps.”
“Yup, pretty open and shut.” Dean watched him skim through the article and visibly force himself to sound interested. “A whole nest. Probably no more than three or four of them. About thirty miles from here. You in?”
I’m not leaving here without you.
Dean honestly didn’t know.
Because what if Cas really was stalking him, and if they drove thirty miles from here, what if Cas couldn’t follow? Dean hadn’t seen him in a car or flying. What if his powers were down and he really couldn’t fly? And did he even know how to drive? Dean didn’t want to go where Cas couldn’t follow. Not again.
But that was only if Cas was out. Which he wasn’t. Cas was in purgatory, because Dean couldn’t save him, and Dean just saw Cas everywhere because purgatory obviously fucked with his head.
Dean realized he hadn’t responded yet and shook himself. “Yeah, okay,” he was surprised at how strained the words sounded and cleared his throat, “we can leave in an hour.”
I’m not leaving here without you.
“I’m pretty much already packed,” Sam closed his laptop, “want me to make a supply run?”
“No.” Dean said, “I’ll go.” He grabbed his keys off the nightstand and shouldered his duffle bag. “Take a break, don’t go anywhere. I’ll be back in 20.”
Sam rolled his eyes and nodded.
Dean felt better climbing into his baby, and it was nice focusing on her and the road and not the biting knowledge that Cas was still in purgatory. He was probably fighting vampires and leviathan and shapeshifters. If he was even still alive. But Cas barely tried to survive while Dean was there, while he had a reason to fight.
To keep them away from you.
But Dean wasn’t there anymore, Cas didn’t have anyone to protect but himself, and Cas had almost died so many times while fighting alongside Dean and Benny. What if he wasn’t strong enough? What if Cas didn’t bother trying to fight because there wasn’t anything to fight for? What if Cas just gave up and Dean was just fucked up and Cas was just dead.
To keep them away from you.
Dean shook his head and refocused on the road.
The convenience store wasn’t far, and he was back at the motel within half an hour. Sam was packed and had just finished checking out. He climbed into the car and looked at Dean expectantly.
Despite the doubt and the anger and the almost suffocating feeling of being not good enough for freaking anyone, Dean smirked at Sam and handed over Sam’s favorite protein bar. He pretended to gag and started up the car. Sure, the icy feeling of abandonment still made him feel like punching a wall, but they’d been through worse.
The thirty mile drive would only take a little under an hour, and normally Dean would be excited to be back in the game. Hunting vamps was easy. He should be thinking of the best strategies and ways of attack. Sam was even musing on how many were in the nest and explaining every detail of the case. He should be feeling that pre game excitement hunting always brought him.
But then he saw a ‘Now exiting Pontiac, Illinois’ sign and almost drove them off the road.
I’m not leaving here without you.
Yeah. Right.