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Haru closed his eyes, willing himself to fall asleep faster. For some reason he always seemed to have trouble sleeping in hotel beds, and this one in Australia was no exception. Even with the exhaustion and stress of suddenly traveling to a new country, not to mention his current mess of an emotional state, he had been lying wide awake for what felt like hours. Of course, it didn't help that Rin was tossing and turning on the opposite side of the bed, just inches away from his pointedly turned back.
His heart still felt so raw in his chest, clenching painfully every time he thought about what had happened with Makoto, which was basically every moment Rin wasn't distracting him with something else. The image of Makoto's serious face as he said the words that had broken Haru into pieces kept swirling through his thoughts no matter how hard he tried to push it away.
What hurt even more was that it was all Haru's fault. Looking back at the last several weeks, he could see that there had been several times when Makoto had clearly been trying to talk to him about what was going on, and he had just brushed him off. And he couldn't even make the excuse that he was just going through a rough period. He had always been so bad at listening to Makoto and reaching out when he needed support in return, even when Makoto had always been there for him. And Haru hadn't even supported him when he told him his dream. He was so selfish, only thinking about his own feelings and running away rather than supporting Makoto. Why wouldn't he want to leave a terrible friend like Haru behind?
Rin rolled over with a dramatic sigh. "Alright, Haru, I can't fall asleep with you brooding so loudly over there," he complained. "You're not gonna like it, but there's only one solution here. We have to talk about what happened with you and Makoto."
Haru curled in on himself tighter, clutching the blankets around his body. Why couldn't Rin just leave him alone? "There's nothing to talk about," he mumbled. Makoto was leaving, and there was nothing he could do to change that now. He was being abandoned, and frankly, he deserved it. What could Rin possibly tell him that would help alleviate such a deep pain?
"Alright, then, let's try something else," Rin said. "I know you said it was your first fight with him, but this can't be the absolute first time you've ever disagreed on anything. Hasn't there been some time where, I don't know, he got the wrong flavor of popsicle or something? Literally any kind of conflict at all?"
A long moment passed, and Rin sighed as Haru stayed silent. "C'mon, Haru. We both know you're too stubborn to figure this out on your own. I'm really just trying to help you out. If you know what helped you feel better in the past, you can figure out what might work now. Makes sense, right?"
Haru wanted to keep ignoring him, he really did, but he found his thoughts treacherously beginning to follow the path Rin had laid out. It took him a moment, because he had never considered it a 'fight', but there was only one other time when he had ever been upset with his best friend that was even remotely similar to the current situation.
"...Middle school," he eventually said, forcing the words through his lips. "He was… trying to change too much. He thought about leaving swimming… without me. But it's not the same. This time he's really…" Abandoning me, he wanted to say, but the words refused to leave his mouth. He had thought them hundreds of times by now, but saying them would make it even more real, he was sure of it.
Rin let out a long breath. "Alright," he said, his voice strained with what was clearly all the patience he could muster. "I wasn't there, but I can see Makoto doing something like that. So, how did you two get through it?"
Another long pause stretched out, their breathing and the cars going by outside the only sounds in the room. Haru's memory was fairly good, and he wasn't actually struggling to recall what had happened. He knew exactly what he had done, and it was painful. Even allowing for the immaturity of a middle schooler, he had always handled emotional situations with his best friend so poorly.
"I… yelled at him. Again," he finally admitted. "I didn't know how to deal with it, so I avoided him. Then one night he confronted me, and I got upset with him. I told him… he'd always be himself and that he shouldn't force himself to change. Then he dragged me to the SC, and…" Haru abruptly cut himself off.
"Yeah? And then what?" Rin asked, his patience clearly running thin.
Haru's face was suddenly burning. He remembered what Makoto had said to him then, all right. He remembered the words exactly, and the adoring smile on Makoto's face as he had said them.
I love swimming and I love Haru-chan, so I want to swim with you!
At twelve years old he had no idea how to handle such a sentiment from his best friend. He had pushed it to the back of his mind, focusing only on the relief that everything was going back to the way it always had been with Makoto. They were swimming again, and that was what had mattered to Haru. But now that he was thinking about it with a little more perspective, it seemed much more like… a confession.
His heart was pounding in his chest. Makoto loved him. And maybe… just maybe, Haru loved him back?
"If you're not gonna tell me, I'm just gonna text Makoto right now and ask him," Rin warned. Haru felt the bed shift as he presumably reached for his phone, and suddenly his chest was full of panic.
"Wait, Rin!" Haru blurted out, finally turning to face him.
Rin met his eyes, looking victorious as he slowly set his phone down again. "Yeah? Are you gonna tell me, then?"
Haru took a deep breath, steeling his nerves. He could hardly believe he was about to tell Rin this, one of his most personal memories that he had never told anyone else. But if it would really help things between him and Makoto now, it was worth the discomfort.
"At the SC, Makoto and I swam together. And then he said…" He repeated Makoto's words, his quiet voice shaking slightly as his emotions pressed against the inside of his chest.
Rin was staring at him, his mouth open, looking more and more incredulous as the seconds ticked by. Just as Haru was about to turn away, he spoke.
"Are you fucking serious? I always just thought that guy was pining in silence, but he said that to you all the way back in middle school?!" Rin hissed. "And then what? What did you say back?"
"I told him, of course we'd swim together," Haru said, fresh heat blooming across his face. He really wanted to kick his younger self sometimes. It was also embarrassing how Rin had already seemed to know there was something between him and Makoto. Haru felt like he was the last person who was just now finding out about all of this. "And everything was fine after that so I… I didn't really think about it anymore."
Rin closed his eyes, letting out yet another sigh. "Okay. Sure. You would be like that. And what do you think about it now?"
"I think… I think I'm in love with him, Rin."
Rin took a deep breath, rubbing his forehead as if Haru was giving him a headache. "Haru, I'm really glad you finally figured it out. But what you need to be doing right now is calling Makoto and telling him everything you just told me."
"But… he's leaving. He doesn't want to hear from me now." Haru's mouth twisted as a fresh wave of emotion coalesced into a lump in his throat.
"Look, Haru, I don't want to be mean here, but I really don't think it's about you."
Haru grimaced at Rin's words, but resisted the urge to interrupt him. As much as it stung, he knew deep down that his friend was telling him something important right now.
"Makoto's not going to Tokyo to, like, get away from you or something," Rin continued. "I mean, he said it back then too, right? He wasn't picking between you and swimming then, and he's not picking between you and his dreams now. He already told you about his dream, and now it's your turn to tell him he'll still have you." Rin grimaced, showing his sharp teeth even as his own cheeks became dusted with pink. "I can't believe I'm talking about this right now. You two are both fucking idiots, I swear. And geez, you've been making him wait around since middle school! I always knew you were emotionally constipated, but this is something else."
"You're one to talk," Haru mumbled, but he felt something loosen in his chest at the words. His reflex was to be obstinate with Rin, tell him that he didn't know what he was talking about, but what he was saying made perfect sense. Makoto had always been there for him, was always concerned for his well-being, and would certainly never deliberately hurt him. He had just been too deep in his own head to remember that, but Rin had reached out and pulled him back to reality.
"I mean it, Haru," Rin said. "Go ahead and call him right now. It's not too late, and you never use your phone anyway, so as soon as he sees it's you he'll jump right up. I'll go out for a walk or something and give you some privacy." He handed Haru his own cell phone from where it sat next to Rin's on the bedside table.
Haru gripped his phone tightly, watching Rin as he stretched, pulled on some shorts, and made his way towards the door. As he slipped his shoes on, Haru spoke. "Rin… thanks."
"Ah, don't worry about it. What are friends for, huh? Thank me later, after you call Makoto and become the grossest couple in Japan." He opened the door, tugging on the back of his baseball cap. "I'm just jogging around the block, so don't take too long, okay? See ya."
The door closed, leaving Haru alone in the silence. His heart was hammering in his chest, the newfound feelings nearly overwhelming, but a smile tugged at his lips as he flipped open the phone and pressed the first number in his speed dial.