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One last break before one final push. One last breather before diving into the unknown and finishing what she had set out to accomplish so long ago, back when she had still been alone. Things were so much bigger than that now, of course — this had grown beyond simply saving her and now encapsulated the fate of all of Dahna, yet no one had ever tried to diminish her own struggle. She was still the most important one to those she had begun to hold dear.
It was selfish yet exhilarating, to know that she had others who cared about her so, that they were willing to place her own wellbeing over that of all of existence. To be willing to fight fate itself over a single human. It was... almost humbling, in a way.
Her mind drifted back to that one word, that which had been the summation of her life ever since she had been a little girl: alone. She had been alone for as long as she could remember, for as long as she had lived, and yet now the word sounded… strange and foreign. It no longer applied to her, no longer held power over her, because she wasn’t alone anymore. She had Law and Rinwell, she had Kisara and Dohalim, she had—
“Shionne?”
Startled to find out that she hadn’t been quite as alone on the observation deck of Daeq Faezol as she had thought, she turned about only to find— “Alphen?”
“Can’t sleep?” he asked, voice tinged with a hint of worry. “It’s hard to get any rest, knowing what comes next, but we all need to be in top condition if we’re going to do this thing.”
“It’s…” A moment of hesitation, as she thought of the right words to use with him. “...It’s sweet of you to worry, but I’ll be fine. Promise.”
“...Right.”
She shot back with a question of her own. “I’m guessing you can’t sleep either?”
“Yeah, something like that. Too much on my mind to get any shut eye.” Giving his own face a rub, Alphen’s fatigue was slowly becoming apparent, and she felt her own heart ache a bit at the prospect. “I’ll probably just walk around a bit until I get tired, see if that’ll knock me out. I’ll, uh… leave you to it.”
“No,” was the response her mouth gave after jumping ahead of her brain, and Shionne quietly wondered when she became this way. It didn’t feel like so long ago that she actively enjoyed the solitude and did what she could to get away from the others, but now…?
“...Eh?”
“You don’t… have to go, if you don’t want to. It’s been a while since it’s been just the two of us like this anyways. And… I think I’d like the company.” On some level, she wasn’t sure why she was saying the things she was. She had always wanted to maintain the distance between herself and others, under the assumption that she would have to die, and though she no longer wished to do so, the risk was ever present. Should the worst come to pass, things would hurt less for them if they weren’t so close to her, and of all the people she had grown to know, Alphen was the one she wanted to hurt the least.
And yet, in spite of all of that, she also knew full well why her mouth was running faster than her mind could, why her heart was in full control of things in that singular moment: it wasn’t what had been said, but what hadn’t been, what dear, sweet Alphen had yet to tell her. It was the words she had begun to want to hear the most from him, words she made him purposely hold onto until after her thorns were gone, ‘just in case’ he had to lose her. Those very same words were ones she wanted to say to him in kind, to let him know the extent to which she felt for him and appreciated all that he had done and continued to do.
But… not now. After. ‘Just in case’.
“Sure, I’ll stay,” had been his eventual response, and Shionne’s heart felt a little more at ease because of it. “Anything you want to talk about?”
“Mm… Not really.” Leaning against the railing and looking out at the vast swathe of space before them, Dahna, Rena, and Lenegis all looked like little more than toys from afar — an admittedly strange thought, and yet with how small and insignificant they looked, she wondered if she could be blamed for it. “Just having you here is enough.”
“...Yeah. Guess it is enough, huh?”
In the brief silence that followed, with nothing else to distract her from it aside from her own thoughts, she became acutely aware of the glances he kept stealing in her direction, and of herself doing the same towards him. It wasn’t so long ago that the quiet would have bothered her, especially with someone else in the room, and especially with that someone being Alphen, yet now it was… calming. Comforting. And she enjoyed it, being able to simply be with someone in such a way.
She wanted to be able to do this again with him, not just now, but also tomorrow and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that. She wanted to just stand with him and enjoy the stars, she wanted to be able to sit down with him and have meals together, she wanted to…
Wanted to…
“Hey, Shionne.”
A turn and a look, after being abruptly pulled out of her thoughts. “Hm?”
“Remember the other night, when we made our first meal together again, and we started talking about doing things side by side?”
Oh, Alphen… Unable to hide her smile, she decided to play along. “And what about it?”
“What kind of house do you want?” he asked, and he did so with perhaps the brightest expression she had seen from him yet. It spoke not of what they had already been through, but of hopes for a time in which they’d never have to go through such things again. “I know we’ll have a fireplace, and a kitchen, with a table and chairs instead of logs… but what else?”
“T-That’s… well, um. I think… I think I want…” And for the first time in her life, Shionne had to well and truly think about what it was she wanted out of her life. It wasn’t until recently that she had even begun to think about the future, but even then, her thoughts had always been vague and limited just to her feelings: I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want to be in love. I want to have friends. I want to belong. Rare were the times in which she had an actual, physical goal in mind, and the best she had come up with had simply been I want a house, something none-too-surprising now that her old home on Lenegis was essentially gone. And so she thought, and thought some more, and then— “I want a yard. A big yard, with a fence, and room for us to plant flowers and vegetables.”
“And what else?”
“What else…? I-I want… I want a yellow house, the same color as the sun in the sky, with… with a red roof, like the earth in Calaglia. Because that’s where I met you.”
“And?”
She felt her heart skip a beat at the thought of Alphen being so curious about a future they would share together, and her own idea of what ‘home’ would be in the future started to become more clear. “I want a big kitchen, where I can cook with you, or Kisara, or Rinwell, or… or any of our friends. And a table big enough for us all, so we can have guests over and all share a meal while telling stories to one another.”
“And…?”
“I want a fireplace that we can sit in front of and unwind together after a long day. I want a big, comfy bed that puts the best inns we’ve been at to shame. I want… I want to get married! I want to invite all of our friends, and have a lot of food and drinks to celebrate, and…!”
There was no followup question of any sort, just a quiet “S-Shionne?” as he stumbled over his own words, and it was only after she noticed Alphen’s face getting red, as well as felt her own cheeks starting to burn, that she had even realized what the last thing was that she had said. If there was ever a time in which she wished she had artes that would allow her to simply vanish from sight, now was certainly it.
Unfortunately for her, no such artes existed, and it was all she could do to simply keep herself coherent while trying to deal with perhaps the most embarrassed she had ever felt since the hot springs incident. If it weren’t for the fact that the others were sleeping, she likely would have screamed. “...S-Sorry. I just... I was just sort of rambling, and was saying whatever came to mind, and—”
“I-It’s, uh… it’s fine, Shionne,” he said, though Alphen had always been a terrible liar and it was all too obvious that he had been just as unprepared for that last confession of hers. “I was the one who asked in the first place, so… don’t worry about it.”
And now I’ve made it awkward. Good going, Shionne. Way to jump the gun.
She knew these awkward moments were inevitable if they were going to stick together like this, that there’d be moments in which one of them would say or do something that wouldn’t quite pan out as planned, but she didn’t want it to be now, not when the two of them were alone on the observation deck of the station, with a myriad of stars as the backdrop. She didn’t want an awkward moment when they finally, finally had something with the semblance of a romantic setting. She didn’t want any of that, she wanted to…
Her eyes drifted down towards his hands as they gripped the railing, and she wondered what it would be like if it had been her hand there beneath his instead, if she had been able to feel the warmth of his skin against hers. She wished she could do so without hurting him, and she resented a small part of herself for not savoring those moments more back when he couldn’t feel any pain. She wanted to be able to simply reach out and touch him whenever she wished, to be able to hold his hand and hug him and be carried around by him and…
And…
“...It’s not fair, Alphen.”
He turned to face her, hands leaving the railing, and seeing them hang empty at his sides just made it sting that much more. “Shionne?”
“I talked with Rinwell and Kisara a few days ago, about… about you, about us, about how there’s other ways to show love and affection, that you don’t have to use touch, but—” —they don’t know what it’s like to never be able to do the things they take for granted. They don’t know what it’s like to always be so alone and to never be able to have a single living thing comfort you. They don’t know that I never knew what a hug was until I had met you, that I had never gotten to hold another person’s hand until I had met you, that I never knew the warmth of life until I met you. They don’t know that— “...it’s not the same. I know there’s more ways to show how much I care for someone than just touch, but… it’s not the same, not when you’ve been robbed of it your whole life. There’s been so many nights where I wanted to be able to rest my head against your shoulder, nights where I wanted to be able to lay in the grass with you, holding hands while we watched the stars. I… I want to be able to hug Rinwell, or give Law a smack on the head whenever he’s ogling some girl! I want to be able to feel Kisara’s hands guide mine when she’s teaching me how to fish, or let Dohalim guide me through the steps for a dance!”
She felt something warm upon her cheek, and it was only then that she realized she had started to cry — had she always had so much bottled up indignation at her fate, built up and storming about within her heart of hearts? Had it always been so hard to put it into words until now?
“It’s… it’s not fair, Alphen! Every time we sit by the campfire at the end of the day, I see your hands and all I can think about is what it’d be like to have your hand in mine, what it’d feel like! I want to hold your hand, I want to hug you, I want to rest beside you, I want to dance with you, I want to kiss you, and I can’t! All I can ever think about now are the things I can’t have, and it’s… it’s not…”
...It’s not fair.
It’s not fair for them to tell me that I don’t need touch to show how I feel, not when they’ve never known a world without it. It’s not fair. It’s not-
There was a flare of purple out of the corner of her eye, and the faint crackle of the astral energy of her thorns as something brushed against her cheek. Blurred though her vision may have been, she could still see well enough through her own tears to know just who it was that was tending to her, just the same as he always had, and his voice was soft and sweet as he whispered reassurances to her. “It’s okay, Shionne. I know how hard it must’ve been, but it’ll all be over soon. We’ll get rid of your thorns, and then you can do all the things you’ve ever wanted to do, as much as you want to do them.”
“A-Alphen, I—” She sniffed and did her best to push away his hand, even as the tears kept rolling down her cheeks — she didn’t want him getting hurt over such a little thing as this, but… well, Alphen was stubborn to a fault, and he never stopped, even as her body lashed out against him. “I’ve… It’s just… I’ve lived my whole life never hoping for everything, and now that I finally am hoping for something, i-it’s still kept out of reach. It’s not fair, Alphen.”
“I know, Shionne.”
“I always knew life wasn’t fair, but why does it have to be so cruel too?”
“I… don’t have an answer to that. Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. Sometimes, when things work the way they should, it’s the other way around. But things don’t always play out like that, and when they don’t, sometimes someone has to come along and fix it. We’re going to fix it. I know we will.” He sighed, doing his best to hide a wince as he wiped away another one of her tears, and then pulled away from her. “I, um… I don’t know how much it might help you, but I do have a little something to give to you.”
“You… do?” she asked, rubbing at the corners of her eyes to rid herself of whatever was left. “The last time you gave me a gift, it ended up being a gun with flowers strapped to it.”
Alphen chuckled, shaking his head. “It’s not a weapon this time.”
She tilted her head, raising a brow and bringing about the faint hints of a smile as she looked upon him. “Promise?”
“Promise. Now, close your eyes and hold out your hands.”
It seemed like not so long ago that she certainly wouldn’t have done as he had asked — they didn’t have that degree of trust between them for her, a Renan, to simply do as a Dahnan asked. But… that was months and months ago now, before she found out she truly wasn't that different from him. That was before she found out how hard Alphen was willing to fight for her. How much he cared. How much she cared in turn, something she found out the hard way when she had pulled her gun on him back at the volcano, and threatened to shoot if he wouldn’t let her leave. And when he had called her bluff, when he was willing to take that shot for her sake, she had crumbled. How could she ever pull the trigger on someone like that, and still think she was doing the right thing? How could she ever gun down someone she loved?
And so, she did as told, eyes shut and hands held out in front of herself. She could hear him step away, fiddle with something—which meant he had brought it with him and was planning on giving it to her regardless—and then return. There was the sound of a line of string pulling free of a box, the sound of paper being moved about, and then… something soft upon her hands.
“Alphen, is this… did you steal Hootle from Rinwell?”
“It’s not Hootle.”
“...And it’s not a bug?”
A quiet laugh from him. “No, Shionne, it’s not a bug either. Just take a look for yourself and you’ll see what it is.”
Her only reaction upon doing so had been a quiet gasp, eyes wide in disbelief, as she gave the item in question a light squeeze. It was a raggedy little thing, with any discernible features worn away long ago, and all that truly remained was a patchwork of dirty and mottled grays and browns. A thin pink ribbon tied around its neck had no doubt been a brilliant red at some point, though it had almost faded to something bordering on a white by this point. To most people, it was a rather sad-looking toy, no doubt used and abused over the years by whoever its owner may have been — to Shionne, it was something much more special, and she whispered a name with the utmost care. “...Alys?”
“So that was the name, huh?” he said, a soft smile upon his face.
“Alphen, I… how?” she asked, still in wonder at what she was holding within her hands. “When I fled Lenegis and left her behind, I thought I’d never see my home again, that I’d never see her again. How did you…?”
“I had to call in a few favors, but let’s just say that being friends with a Renan lord has its perks.” Alphen folded his arms and slowly shook his head, making no real attempts to hide his grin. “I’m on kitchen duty for the next month, cooking up whatever Dohalim wants, but… small price to pay and all that.”
A quiet laugh slipped past her lips, the first of the evening. “That’s… utterly absurd, yet something you would do. Then, I guess my next question is… why? It was just a doll, Alphen. Why go to such lengths to get her back for me?”
“Well, that doll was your only friend when you were little, right? Clearly it was important to you, even if you didn’t think so. That, and… well.” His pose loosened somewhat as he gave her a knowing look, one hand gesturing towards the doll itself. “There was something I was curious about, and I wanted to check for myself.”
“...Check? Check for what?”
“Turn the doll over and look at the stitching.”
“The stitching?” Curiosity piqued, she quickly flipped the doll over within her hands, staring at its back. It was hard to make out through all of the dirt and grime, as well as how severely the colors had faded over the years, but… something was there, something she had forgotten about years ago herself. With the tip of her finger pressed against it, she slowly and carefully traced the outline of something that had been very purposely placed there, of a single letter sewn into the doll itself.
It was the first letter in the alphabet, the letter by which her doll had taken the name of ‘Alys’. Just a single, solitary ‘A’.
Her mind dwelled on it for a moment, and then something seemed to click within her, sudden realization upon her face. “...A-Alphen? Is this…?”
“Remember our little talk a while back, about dolls? You said you had one as a kid, I said I had one as a good luck charm, you asked if it was possible that the two were one and the same, given how long ago it had been since I was taken to Lenegis.” He took a few steps towards her, taking one of the doll’s arms between his finger and thumb, and causing Shionne’s thorns to flare up—but never quite touch him—for the briefest of moments. “Holding it in my hands for myself dredged up a few more memories from my days as a soldier. The kid who would always sew those dolls for us was always really particular about making sure it was our good luck charm, usually by doing something little like sewing a keepsake into the doll itself, or a part of our names if we didn’t have anything like that.”
“Then, this is—”
“Yeah. ‘A’ for ‘Alphen’. You were right all along, Shionne. The two dolls were one and the same.”
“So, all this time, we were… connected.” Hushed though her voice may have been, the revelation that the doll she had cherished as a little girl had well and truly been Alphen’s sent her heart racing. To know that they had always been together in some way, that the doll had passed through the centuries, that against all odds, it had wound up in her possession… there were no words to describe the emotion she felt, the elation she felt. Alphen had been with her all along, he had always been with her, and…
She was hesitant to think of it as fate. Fate was the very thing that now left her feeling like a bird in a cage, unable to interact with the world around her. But… fate could be fought against, and fate had also shown her a way to true freedom. It had given her friends. It had given her more than that. So much more than that.
Her eyes took note of the way Alphen held the doll aloft by one arm, holding it out in front of her, as if he wanted her to… Ah, so that’s it.
Wordlessly, she took the doll’s other arm in her own hand, letting it dangle between the two of them, and Alphen gave her a sheepish grin. “I know it’s… not the same as us actually holding hands, but-”
Shionne shook her head, smiling. “You’re right, Alphen. It’s not. But… there’s something just as special about this, knowing that what I thought was just blind optimism and a shot in the dark was actually the truth. That we’ve always been together in some way because of a single little doll.”
“You know, it’s kind of surreal to think about. I don’t know if anyone else would believe us if we ever told them.”
“They don’t have to believe it. It won’t make it any less real.”
Maybe Alphen was right. Maybe bad things did happen to good people, and maybe someone would have to fix it and set things right with the world. But, in a way that seemed to defy common sense, that was alright, for there would come a time in which the Great Spirit would be defeated and her thorns vanquished for good. And when that day was finally upon time, she wouldn’t be alone — she would have Rinwell, Law, Dohalim, and Kisara with her. She would have Alphen at her side, and... she would have a little doll with her that had crossed time and space to make it all happen.
Shionne gave the doll’s arm a light squeeze as a curious thought entered her head, one that she welcomed nonetheless.
What do Alphen’s hands feel like beneath the gloves?
She quickly quashed the thought when her mind started to take the train of thought to another place entirely, and when an extremely noticeable blush seemed all but inevitable.
...Maybe save that one for later.