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renjun had woken up to a call from the manager. nothing much was said about what will happen except that he must be present in the practice room. renjun had wondered for a second why the practice room in particular if it were to be for something as serious as the tone the manager spoke to him with. but then he figures it’s probably because it would be more meaningful that way. while he’s not exactly sure about what’s to come, he can safely figure out a discussion will be made regarding their status. and if there’s one place to best reveal it, it would be in the same room they’d spend all day and night practicing the same routines over and over again to perfection where they collectively groaned in pain. the same room they’d spend more time in than their dorms. the room that has witnessed all of their breakdowns as they call home and assure them that yes, we’ll be debuting soon. the same room that knows too well the frustrations and their desperation to just debut.
albeit begrudgingly, he tries his best to fight off the urge to get back to sleep once more, wishing the call had not happened in the first place and all of what it could suggest.
when he starts preparing for the supposed meeting is when he finds chenle outside the bathroom, just about to get in. their gazes meet and that’s how they both realize the both of them got the same call. renjun remembers feeling relief in the way chenle’s eyes grew bigger and if he were close enough to the younger, he would probably see the way they glisten with tears except he’ll brush that off because chenle isn’t exactly the type to cry instantaneously.
as he waits for chenle to finish, their group chat pings after pings and it's driving renjun crazy. he figures he should check it, see what the surge of notifications was about. and maybe he was just about to before something quickly advises him to decide against it. wanting it, whatever it is, to come from their manager himself. he rationalizes it’d be thrilling that way too. something he would later find himself regretting because as they walk closer to the practice room, his heart feels like getting out of its ribcage to scold him for not opening the group chat to at least give him an inkling of what he’s about to get into.
“what do you think the meeting would be about?” chenle asks renjun, almost like a whisper, voice tinged with evident worry but also hope. renjun can tell that this is so because it's how he’d sound like too if he were to speak, as he was feeling a lot of emotions strongly, and if he were to name them all the two are definitely on the list. worry stronger and hopeful towards the end and a lot of fearful meshing with everything. it’s difficult to make a further distinction, all he knows is he is definitely feeling a lot. with a hand on the doorknob, renjun takes a deep breath before looking at chenle, hoping it calms him. but god, was he ever just jittery and sometimes unnecessarily honest,
“honestly? our fate.”
+++
“no fucking way!”
donghyuck. ofcourse it would be him. renjun already feels like crying at this alone. knowing that someone he found so easy to hang out with would be in the same group as him. someone who has helped him so much, debuting first before him, always imparting what he’s learned from his own vocal runs to him and chenle, with so much patience and in a manner that made it enjoyable rather than straining and feeling like a chore from how repetitive it could get. if there’s anyone he wanted so much to be in the same group with, it’s donghyuck. the sun to his sunflower. renjun quickly dismisses the latter thought. he can’t be sure yet.
jaemin and jisung follow. jaemin hugging him with the biggest smile plastered on his face, showing off his perfectly good set of pearly whites that renjun finds himself smiling as well, with just about the same intensity because there is no way he could smile as much as jaemin does although to smile in general is just easy to do so too when you're around a certain na jaemin whose optimism has helped him so much when he went through his own fair share of hard times, knowing the exact moment when he needed distance himself and even doing the most to walk with him to their room, dim the lights and sometimes none at all to set off the perfect mood for when he’d just sit back and listen to him so attentively and even when most times, he’s taking too much of the time talking, jaemin encourages him to keep doing so. and despite how frequently this would occur during a period of time when their coaches would be particularly harsher than usual, there’s never a time they both get out of their rooms without renjun feeling better and grateful that he has someone like jaemin whose smile alone could calm him.
jisung hugs him next, brief, like how an adolescent boy seemingly void of emotions would when saying goodbye to his father infront of his friends, and renjun chuckles at his attempt to look brazen, but he knows jisung. feels it in the way he grips his elbow, giving it a short but tight squeeze communicating that he’s glad as he is that whatever’s about to happen, they face it together. Having spent most of his years with jisung, there are certain actions of his that he understands fairly well without the words and that touch was definitely one of them. renjun reaches to ruffle his hair, making an effort of extending his hand with the way jisung’s growth cells seem to be spiting him. They laugh briefly and renjun smiles so fondly at him before his attention turns to chenle.
he then watches as jisung proceeds to chenle to give him a hug with exclamations of glee. renjun warms at the sight. chenle got in the company around the same time as he did and despite already having the experience of being a performer in their home country, china, this was new territory for the younger with a language he has to learn diligently and a culture so rich and he has to be familiar with within a certain period of time. all these were made easy and better to handle when chenle meets jisung, determined to help chenle in any way that he can and somewhere along the way, as they both spend more time together after the many realizations that they had met from previous activities way back when they were younger and could barely make their own sound judgements, inevitably developed a bond making the two inseparable; knowing each other so well and too well.
with the scene playing before him, renjun thinks of how this was going too..right and it should serve as a tell-tale sign that it’s fine to assume the best of things now. but renjun just needs their manager to confirm what it’s about. having seen too many crestfallen faces over hopes getting crushed all over the building and even in the shared dorms he has with his kun and winwin-ges, he’s developed a mentality to never be sure of something, especially when it’s supposed to be something he wants, unless confirmed and stated and with him as witness. he just can’t afford to build his hopes up only for things to fall through and with the industry he is in, there’s bound to be a lot of it.
“is this all of us?” chenle asks in unconfident korean and jisung laughs endearingly, responding with a no it can't be and before even finishing what he was about to say, the ever so boisterous voice of donghyuck fills the room.
“jeno lee!”
renjun finds himself in those kind of films where everything just goes in slow motion and the only ones that aren’t affected are him and Jeno, the boy whose eyes are already turning into crescents as he looks around the room as if already knowing who were in it and what it was all about, and when his gaze settles on him, the world goes back to its regular pace. except for renjun’s already beating heart, it’s cadence familiar but something he just can’t get accustomed to, always making him hold his breath as he looks at the boy before him who in turn is looking at him intently, the crescents gone and renjun wonders what the hell that could mean. should he be offended? does he not want to be in the same group as him? which, to be fair, is understandable. He, himself, initially didn’t want to debut in the same unit as jeno and when the latter knew of this.. let’s just say it got renjun to resort to being sickeningly sweet like honey to the younger. but did jeno really have to shove it in his face, his distaste at the possibility of being together in this very crucial and sensitive moment for all of them? Honestly, renjun knows it is wrong to think of jeno's intentions this way when the boy is always about sincerity and kindness but he can’t help the intrusive thoughts when jeno’s simply looking at him almost in a deadpan.
“you.”
renjun doesn’t answer for a couple of seconds. he’s taken aback! it’s not like him to pick himself back up almost immediately after being rendered speechless. and it’s jeno. The past few weeks he’s been finding himself in a stuttering and incoherent mess when having to deal with the boy.
“me…?”
the smile is back on his face again and renjun can’t see his own reflection but he just knows he’s hot in the cheeks. he feels it all throughout his body so it should be safe to assume that his cheeks are showing it. and he hates that it does. never knowing discreet, always open for the world to see that yes! i blush a lot! and what about it! renjun's gaze follows him as he takes a seat across him and beside jaemin and when their eyes meet again, jeno gives him a small smile, a knowing one, something renjun can confidently say is a smile reserved between him and the boy. it brings renjun back to the reality that he’s been staring far too long. and that everyone’s eyes are on them.
“love it! subtlety is off the list!” donghyuck exclaims and the room is filled with teasing laughter, jeno laughing along but also hitting jaemin's lap as if telling him to tone down his cackling.
what renjun thought of pinching donghyuk’s sides are suspended when not a moment later, the absolutely fully capable mark lee enters and donghyuck immediately stands up, gasping as he and mark stare at each other. mark smiling in glee and the younger in disbelief. it’s almost comical how the expressions on their faces are at both ends of the spectrum.
“it’s the dream team!” donghyuck exclaims running to mark to give him the biggest hug renjun’s ever seen him give out to someone, and he already gives big hugs as it is.
“dream team,” renjun hears mark repeat with a chuckle, muffled, but in a room that has all eyes and ears on the two, even the slightest hitch of their voices can be heard. their hug lasts especially longer this time, the 5 of them looking at them fondly, understanding immediately what the sniffs they hear from donghyuck entails, being the most adamant advocate of the dream team, something he’s dubbed all seven of them one night after practice, confessing that while it’s nice to be debuting with their hyungs from 127, he wishes he could also be performing on stage with them too. they respond with silence that they all understand to wish of the same thing. mark pats his back, letting donhyuck cry it out and renjun notices how calmly he's taking control of things, already envisioning how much of a great leader he would be if he were to spearhead this group.
mark turns to all of them, that proud smile still on his face and renjun lets himself loosen up. a little. maybe, just maybe, it’s time to grab the light, the one he thought was never tangible but right now right now, as he takes a quick look at everyone, is just beyond his reach.
their manager comes shortly after and when he closes the door, renjun allows himself to properly scan the boys in the room, all looking at the most awaited man in anticipation.
jisung and chenle’s hands are held together, donghyuck already in his face a confident borderline smug smile, mark beside him looking as if he’d want to say the news himself, jaemin’s habit of biting his lips done even more rapidly and when renjun’s eyes land on jeno, he sees him already staring right back at him giving him a smile, and it’s one of his smiles. the same smile he first flashed renjun, making him rethink of what was a poorly constructed and shallow first impression, finding out how cold is what jeno isn’t and he later realizes, jeno could never be. jeno is warm. the kind you need embracing you, the kind of warm that you revel in and never want to be away from.
it’s the same smile he gives him when he helped him out with his korean assignment one time, messing up what should’ve been something he had already perfected after weeks of studying and coming up with a measly defense of, but i'm a foreigner, this is supposed to be hard. he had taken the seat beside him and with a voice laced with patience and encouragement, he helped correct him and with more complex vocabulary. renjun gets it right in no time. it’s the same smile that listens to him as he talks about moomin, a show he grew up watching during his childhood, adding his own input of liking snufkin's character the most with to which renjun took with a surprise as he always assumed jeno would like moomin himself the best, always enjoying the company of people, easily noticing when things aren’t the same and worry quickly taking over when one is unhappy. renjun, after giving it much thought, realizes that it made sense if jeno liked snufkin; patient, keeps to himself most times but is never hesitant to seek for the presence of another in fact, he actively seeks it and renjun likes to indulge himself with the thought that it’s his presence jeno has been seeking the most.
it’s the same smile that’s always there to remind him how there’s a lot of things to smile about when things are starting to get iffy and not going the way renjun’s wanted for things to be. He would come up with a list of all of renjun’s interests and one time, renjun notices he’s crashed out what he can clearly make out to be his name, jeno. renjun had initially laughed it off before he took it personally. what did jeno think of him? he’s written jeno’s name one too many times to recognize it even under all the scrawny lines he’s drawn over it. and then he rolls his eyes at jeno’s attempt to humor him. the boy is just too much for him sometimes. later that night, unbeknownst to jeno, renjun writes the younger’s name, neatly and prettily, in comparison to the mess beside it. because it’s true. as opposed to what he first wanted which was to not have anything to do with jeno, he’s grown to want everything that meant being with him, even if it could just be to do nothing at all. he doesn’t remember when he’s had a crush on jeno but at that point, he knows there was no turning back. his crush for the boy growing more and more as they spend more time together.
it’s the same smile that he gave renjun in that one particular night where they lie in the field of hangang river, staring at the night sky. the stars have filled its entire expanse and jeno brings up the idea of talking about the most vivid anecdotes they have from their childhood. renjun tells him of the story of how in the darkness, his younger self had found solace in the stars, trusted it to guide him in the walk back home and that enabled him to arrive safely. he goes on to say that ever since that night, when he feels lost, he’d turn to the sky and trust that if he’d seen the same amount of stars as he’d seen that night, he’s in the right track. he remembered the brief pause as he feels jeno’s gaze on him. it would have gotten awkward except renjun had quickly continued to talk about his favorite constellation too, the big dipper. he didn't exactly give a proper explanation as to why it was his favorite except that he used to see it a lot growing up and it being the easiest to locate had made him love it. a comfortable pause ensued until jeno, points his fingers to the sky, locating where the big dipper is and traces it. he would turn to renjun then and softly promise him of togetherness, ‘like the stars that connect to form the big dipper.’ renjun slapped him playfully, cringing at his being corny and, despite knowing that promises made so surely almost always never last. he holds onto it, anyways. keeps it close to his heart, etched into a special corner of his brain labeled all things jeno lee. because he’d want to be together with jeno, too. wanting more than ever to keep his smile where he could see it and keep him tethered to the ground, like an anchor would a ship docked at bay.
their manager starts talking and jeno smiles one last time before turning to his direction. renjun continues to look at jeno who’s intently listening to what renjun has decided to tune out despite been itching to hear about it the moment he got the call that morning. he's beginning to allow himself to trust that whatever it is their manager is telling them, it’s that one thing he’s always wanted that got him begging for his parents to get him on the last train to sm entertainment in the first place.
renjun figured jeno had probably noticed that he’s been looking at him all this time because he looks back at him and gives him a smile once more. renjun had chuckled under his breath and as he thinks about what just happened, it’s then and there that renjun finally relaxes and frees himself from the fear of things not going right, from the fear of uncertainty, especially when he has jeno’s smile to tell him that there’s not much to fear for as long as he’s close.
unsurprisingly, the room had gotten loud when their manager has finally confirmed they were going to debut together. renjun tried to not be fazed, getting more lost in the picture of all seven of them, under one spotlight, and with an audience who came for only them chanting their names in excitement and relief from having been waiting for far too long.
he’s quickly been removed from that image when jeno had taken his hand in his. he didn’t even realize that the boy was already beside him. jeno had given his hand a squeeze, his thumb rubbing slow and soothing circles in his before leaning in close to nudge his shoulder and then whisper, in the most jeno way possible, slowly, carefully, and lovingly, like the big dipper, yeah?