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“I never would have thought you’d be so cautious about love,” her friend said.
Jiwan nearly shrugged. “Not love… just Sol. I’m never careless with Sol. We’ve never been like that with each other, you know? Some sort of… unspoken rule, I guess.” She ducked her head shyly. Even though the worst of it was over, confessing to their relationship, just talking about it still made her feel a little too exposed.
Her friends all tittered good-naturedly. Going on about how romantic she is (or in Bitna’s case, how corny).
“But seriously,” they pressed, “you never had trouble dating before. And it was obvious Sol liked you. Was it because of… you know…”
Jiwan snorted and rolled her eyes. She thanked her youthful appearance for tempering what might otherwise look like a rude response, but she honestly wasn’t ready to talk about that yet. Of course, she was happy to tell anyone who would listen that she’s dating the most amazing woman in the world… but she didn’t want to focus on the “dating” or “woman” part of it. As far as she was concerned… this was just another chapter in the book of their relationship. Sol x Jiwan: reloaded (so far it came with extra hand-holding, and longer hugs).
Nabi saved her from their interrogation by reprimanding their behavior. “Its not your business,” she chides, and they all laugh again, good-naturedly. Jiwan knows none of it is ill-intentioned. But as usual, she’s been away from Sol for more than two hours now and she’s starting to get anxious.
“I’ll tell you the rest tomorrow,” she teased, flashing a winning smile before gathering up her things to leave. She needed to find Sol. She needed to talk to her. She needed another long, tight, hug.
“Say hi to Sol for me!” Bitna said cheekily, and Jiwan couldn’t hide her embarrassment this time, feeling her cheeks flush before she was fast enough to turn away.
“I will! See ya!”
Sol was at her station as expected. Her end of year project was massive; a testament to her truly insurmountable art skill. Jiwan hesitated in the doorway for a bit, just to admire Sol while she wasn’t looking, before charging in with a cry
“YOON SOOOOOOOOL!”
It’s a miracle Sol heard her through her headphones. She managed to turn just in time to catch Jiwan who nearly sent them both tumbling to the hard concrete floor.
“Ji-jiwan-ah!” Sol was torn between a laugh and a cry. She took a couple extra steps to steady them but once they were standing upright, she only pulled Jiwan closer. Jiwan could feel Sol smile against her temple. “Did you have fun with the others?”
Jiwan locked her arms around Sol’s waist and buried her nose in Sol’s neck. “Sort of… it would have been more fun if you were there.” Suddenly she remembered their last topic of conversation and shivered. “Actually… maybe it would’ve been better if I were here.”
“Were they talking about us?”
Jiwan sighed.
“I’m happy they’re happy for us… but surprisingly its been a little too much. Even for me.”
“I know…” Sol turned her head towards Jiwan’s, and the smaller girl could feel her lips move against her skin as she spoke. “It’s because you’re more private than anyone else realizes. You always keep the most important stuff close to your chest.”
Jiwan sighed with relief. This is why she had to talk to Sol. Nobody understood her like Sol did.
“I’m glad I found you tonight. I needed to see you,” she admitted.
Her confession only made Sol more giddy, squeezing her too tight and slightly lifting her into the air.
“Sol-ah! Put me down! You’re squeezing too tight!”
Sol indulged herself a moment longer before complying and grinned at Jiwan’s affronted expression.
“Hey now, what’s up with you?” Jiwan brushed out the wrinkles in her dress. “You’re acting very unusual…” she smirked then, “did something good happen to you?”
The smile Sol gave in return was nothing but genuine. “Something great, actually.”
Even though they were clear about being a couple, it was also clear they hadn’t really engaged in many couple things quite yet. And maybe that’s why Jiwan was feeling ridiculously clingy. She knew nobody could take Sol away from her, at this point, but even after becoming exclusive, she only desired her more.
Their friendship -she could rest assured- was safe. Almost ten years of foundation had built up and Jiwan knew it was solid. But their relationship… the way it was now… there was no blueprint. There were no instructions, no established traditions… Jiwan knew she wanted more from Sol but she didn’t quite know what “more” meant.
(or she did know and she couldn’t admit it. And maybe this was why she didn’t want to rush into this new phase quite yet. Because it was one thing to admit she desired Sol. It was another to act on it.)
That’s what she was thinking about while watching Sol change, taking her time before re-dressing so she could use a wet towel to wipe off bits of hardened clay and paint. Jiwan had seen those arms many times before. She’d seen them before they’d grown quite so long, when her elbows were still too sharp and her shoulders hung low and uncertain. And she’d seen Sol wash herself before, in the showers after gym class, and in the public bath during the long weekend, but it didn’t look like anything other than a human body to her. It didn’t stand out amongst all the others, equally naked, when she was just 16.
But now she’s 22, and Sol is just in her underwear, and they’re supposed to be going to dinner soon but Jiwan lost her appetite the moment she shed her jumpsuit. Now she was fighting against the bench to find a comfortable position and wondering if it would be more or less polite to avert her eyes.
“Are you okay?”
“Hmm?”
Sol walked over, skinny jeans on (thank god) but wearing only her sports bra from her torso up. “You look flushed. Do you have a fever?” She reached a hand out and it took every ounce of willpower for Jiwan not to slap it away.
“Its just the weather I think… and I didn’t drink enough water today… lets just hurry to the restaurant.”
“Sure. My bad, I’ll be quicker.”
Jiwan was surprised with how quickly she could come up with an excuse. She didn’t like lying to Sol, in fact, after everything that happened recently, she was trying not to lie to her at all.
(but desperate times -and Jiwan certainly felt desperate- called for desperate measures)
The intimacy thing thankfully did not get in the way of sleepovers, which was a miracle, if anyone asked, because Jiwan could not live without sleepovers at Sol’s apartment.
In fact, with only a month left of school (and many uncomfortable, difficult decisions left to make) Jiwan wanted nothing more than to bury herself in Sol’s warmth and never return to the real world again
So she was lying in Sol’s bed, waiting for her to finish typing up the notes of her review, and trying not to overthink lest she give herself a panic attack before Sol even touched her.
As she gazed over her, her wide shoulders, her firm back, Jiwan thought about how stable Sol was. How steady. And here she was, about to get recruited by all kinds of international art programs and galleries and Jiwan was having to figure out how to salvage her degree (or worse… what major to switch to keep any of her career prospects alive).
She wasn’t being melodramatic when she told Nabi losing Sol would be like losing half her life. Sol was her anchor, keeping her from getting lost among a sea of short-term friendships, and petty relationship drama. Sol was the warm floor she could fall asleep on when she was just too tired to make it to her bed. She was her support system, reminding her to turn in all her assignments, and quit after her second beer when it was still a school night. Simply put: Sol was everything and now Jiwan had the responsibility of being everything to Sol… even with no career prospects, and half-formed desires she couldn’t even articulate within familiar confines of her room
Just keep it together, she berated herself. Sol said her feelings would remain the same. You just have to remain the same, as always, and everything will be okay
“Sol-ah”
Damnit
“Yes?”
Jiwan rolled over on her side and poked at the base of Sol’s spine. “Come to bed quickly, I want to sleep”
That’s not all of it though… but I just can’t tell you yet
Sol smiled; the same benevolent smile as always, and Jiwan fell just a little more
“I’ll be right there”
“She might want to kiss you too, you kn-mmpf!”
“Jesus, not that loud,” Jiwan hissed. She clamped her hand over Nabi’s mouth and looked around frantically. Once back in her chair Nabi giggled.
“You don’t have to be so worried. Everyone here accepts you-“
“-what if Sol walked in? She goes here too, you know.” Jiwan crossed her arms, irritated. For some reason everyone felt it fine to air her relationship drama out to the public when her relationship drama had every class with her nearly every day!
Nabi gave her a placating smile. “It’s really not a big deal though. I’ve seen the way she looks at you.”
Now Jiwan focused on her hands, twisting them together anxiously.
“Its… its not that I think she’d hate it-“
“-hate?”
“Oh hush… I just mean… this is all so new. I know we agreed to be in a relationship, and I’m so happy, but its like… I’m also scared? I already had so much on the line going into this, with the possibility of losing our friendship, but now that we’re together, its like… I have twice as much to lose!”
Nabi tilted her head, giving her a strange smile. “Or you might have twice as much to gain?”
Jiwan felt something cold and heavy drop down into the pit of her stomach. “Oh no… I’ve been messing this all up haven’t I? By worrying? Sol looked so happy when I confessed to her. She looked so relieved and here I am ruining everything by worrying.” Jiwan shook her head relentlessly, as if the action might shake the stupidity right out of her.
Nabi reached over for her hand and squeezed it. (yet another reminder of why she was completely in love with Sol… nothing quite felt her hand… wait… in love?!)
“Oh shit,” she muttered softly
“hmm?”
“I know I said I should stop worrying but… what if I’m right?”
“How do you mean?”
Jiwan bit her lip. Everything -all of it- their whole friendship since middle school came flooding back to her at once. Not two weeks after they met Jiwan was begging her parents to sign her up for art classes.
“I… I… I know I like her, because I want to hold her hands and… kiss,” she peered up, and was relieved to see Nabi’s expression hadn’t changed, “but… what if its more than that?”
To her credit, Nabi remained unshaken. “I mean… I don’t personally know how it works between two girls but there’s lots of sources-“
“-I’m not talking about that!”
Jiwan pulled back her hand and clutched it to her chest looking scandalized.
“You’re not?”
Jiwan’s cheeks burned. Of course… she had thought about it but she was still sweating over a kiss, that… that would come much later (hopefully…)
“no it’s… I’m…” she heaved a giant sigh, “I’m in love with her.”
“Oh.”
When Jiwan looked back up she felt her heart crack. This time Nabi couldn’t hide her confusion.
“I… I won’t lie to you, Jiwan. I might be a bit out of my depth.”
Jiwan leaned forward frantically, “no, but you- with Jaeoen, I mean, you guys were-“
“-maybe…” Nabi stared off into the distance. “Honestly I’m still not quite sure what I felt for him. Even after all my experience… it feels like I’m still inexperienced with love.”
Jiwan sighed again. “Its… difficult.”
“How can you be sure?” Nabi’s demeanor perked up all of a sudden. She wore her curious artist gaze. “I mean… what does it mean to you? Being in love?”
Jiwan blushed. Truthfully she hadn’t thought about what it meant, she just knew as soon as she said it, that it was how she was feeling.
“I think,” a memory of Sol waiting at the bus stop for her at sunset, when they were just 15 years old, comes to mind, “I think its… well… I’ve known her for almost half my life, more than that, if you only count the years I remember things… I know I love her because I can’t imagine my life without her. Because who I am would be fundamentally different if we’d never met. I wouldn’t be at art school. I wouldn’t have gone to as many classes, probably… and I’d smoke a lot more, and maybe I’d even be dating a guy… maybe I’d even marry him, and I would have gone my whole life unaware-“ she choked suddenly, and realized that she was near crying, and allowed it when Nabi scooted closer and hugged her.
“Sol just makes everything clear. When I’m indecisive she helps me decide. When I’m confused she clears it up. When I’m lonely she answers my calls, when I’m hungry, we go out to eat. Without Sol I’d only be half-functioning, forget the aspects of my personality I built entirely around her.”
Nabi squeezed her tighter. “Doesn’t that scare you?”
“It terrifies me,” Jiwan laughed, wiping tears from her eyes, “but that’s why I can’t give her up. No matter how intimidating this all is. Or awkward. Or embarrassing. I know I love her because of all of all of those reasons, all the ways that she’s good for me, but I know I’m in love with her, because if I was given the chance to reinvent myself, a new life, built around a new person, I would turn it down every time.” She shuddered, the last of her sadness slipping away being replaced by a hard, heavy, resignation. “If I didn’t want this, I could’ve turned her away many times before. But I never did.”
Nabi slipped her arms under Jiwan’s and pressed their fronts together fully, hugging her tighter than she ever had before. “I think that sounds wonderful. And I’m so envious of you it makes me a little mad,” she let out a strained laugh, “but I’m also so happy for you. And I get why you’re scared. Because something this good can be burdensome.” Jiwan nodded. “But it doesn’t have to be, you know?” Nabi pulled away, and the smile on her face was more genuine than any smile Jiwan had ever seen from her. “It can be tiring to carry that burden alone, but you don’t have to carry it alone. You have Sol.”
Jiwan’s eyes widened. She gripped the edge of her skirt and felt a new feeling wash over her. Just like Nabi said, all the fear of a new relationship also came with equal parts excitement. An equal measure of thrill.
Now all Jiwan wanted to do was kiss her.
“Go,” Nabi said, as if she could read her mind.
(Jiwan wasn’t sure she couldn’t).
“You’re the best,” she said sincerely, and even gave Nabi a fat kiss on her cheek to prove her point. “And for what its worth, I think you’re a lot closer to figuring out love than you think.”
Sol was just sitting there, painting, looking beautiful as ever. Though Jiwan had spent a better part of the week just standing and watching, afraid to break the fragile tension that had been building between them, her heart had just taken a sharp left turn. There was no more time to wait. She’d already done ten years of that.
She stormed forward, and even though there was a fire in her, she took her time to greet Sol gently. Pushing off her headphones and giving her a tentative smile. Sol smiled back, as benevolent as ever, and that was the last sign she needed before finally leaning in
Kissing felt like doing sprints. Liquid fire rushed through her veins. She was shorter so she had to push up on her toes a little bit and as the two threatened to tip over Sol reached out desperately for balance, and found Jiwan’s hips.
The sensation only made her blood boil hotter. When their mouths parted Jiwan heard herself gasp, sharp, like she’d been running, and didn’t give herself time to breathe before leaning back in. This time was even better, Sol pursing her lips back into the kiss, gripping her waist tighter, with conviction, and the way Jiwan’s head swam made her dizzy and happy. So so happy beyond comprehension
This was what she understood
The way the body folded under someone else’s touch. The way the heart warmed to someone else’s warmth. She leaned into Sol the way she always had, the way she was an expert in doing, and let Sol catch her, and it was easier than breathing
A moment later when they were resting their foreheads together, panting softly into the inch of space between their lips, Sol confessed, “I’ve been wanting to do that for so long”
“me too”
Sol laughed. “I wasn’t sure… I didn’t want to rush you”
Jiwan laughed too. “We waited ten years to admit we were attracted to each other. I don’t think its possible to “rush” anymore.”
Sol nuzzled Jiwan’s cheek with her nose, embarrassed, apparently, and Jiwan felt her heart soar. It was always okay to act a little foolish when Sol was around. So Jiwan was glad Sol felt okay to act foolish in front of her as well
“So we can do it again?”
Jiwan giggled. “I hope so.”
Sol was silent for a moment, contemplating
“What about in front of other people?”
Jiwan shrugged, and they folded their bodies into a proper hug, where Jiwan had her arms wrapped securely around Sol’s middle, and her chin hooked over her shoulder. “We’ll figure it out as we go along, I guess.”
Sol turned and kissed her neck, and Jiwan shivered. “That sounds nice.”
“Everything with you is nice,” Jiwan sighed, and Sol kissed her again in thanks.
As they packed up their things, fingers already twisted together and palms pressed tight, Jiwan added, “by the way, we might need to take Nabi out to lunch or something, for like… a week, for all the free therapy she’s been giving me.”
“Oh, me too,” Sol said sheepishly.
Jiwan nodded then; serious. “Make it a month.”