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(...)and in our darkest hour, the heir will come, hammer ablaze and eyes of blue. He from the land of wind and shade will call upon a great gale and the darkness shall subside(...)
- transcript, lines 3-4 of the seer's First Prophecy.
On your way home from school, you are kidnapped by radicalists. (You aren't entirely sure what that means. You've definitely never bothered looking it up in a dictionary. It's used, mainly, by newscasters commenting on political rallies, pinned to pictures of kids waving signs and calling for actions. Tricky things like prophecies and scapegoats and you just kind of ate your dinner instead of thinking about it because politics were never your strong suit.)
There's three.
The one in the middle (a girl) is pointing a rifle at you and this is what makes you stop and pay attention to them instead of running straight home.
uh, you say, and then, hi.
The girl with the rifle cracks a grin at you, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.
hey! she says. hows it going???
haha, well, it's going pretty good, you say, setting your backpack down and lacing your fingers together on top of your head, or at least it was until i got shot by these wacko radicalists.
The one on the left (another girl, wow) smiles at this. She reaches out a hand and you flinch.
Your bag, monsieur, she says, but you get the feeling she is not actually French and is just saying that to mess with you. You go, oh, fumble with it, and toss it to her. She catches it, unzips it, and plucks out your wallet.
okay, i'm sorry, you say, putting your hands back on top of your head, but i thought mainly you guys spraypainted things and made angry signs? there's no money in there, by the way, i spent it all on food.
Petty larceny, I'm afraid, is rather below us, she says, opening your wallet. Excuse me, how perfunctory. I mean to say it's below me. I don't doubt for a second that my compatriots here would have the quote unquote 'time of their lives' as desperados.
The one on the right, (the only boy-- he is, as one would say in grade-school, girl-trapped) is looking up and down the street uneasily.
lets get this show on the road mamacitas i got things to do places to be
The girl with the rifle scrunches up her nose and makes a face at you, like, can you believe him? You give a weak shrug.
His name, says the girl with your wallet, flipping through your ID cards, is John Egbert. Let it be known that Jade, bless her heart, has the all-encompassing right to say 'I told you so.' Anyone care to take a guess as to his original place of residence? A minute hint, if you'll have it: The answer is most certainly not Prospit.
ill take land of wind and shade for five hundred alex
Astounding, she says, snapping your cards into place and picking up your backpack.
dave wins the gameshow!! hurray! and he gives aaall his hard earned cashola to the starving tadpoles in lofaf, the end, the girl with the rifle says, slinging the gun onto her back and giving you a thumbs up. lets go, new kid!!!!
is this a kidnapping? you ask, bewildered and bemused, scratching the back of your foot with a sneakered toe because you are itchy and tired and you've had kind of a long day an you were really looking forward to going hoem and watching the Crypt Keeper. is this some kind of cult?
yeah our initiation rits can get pretty intense just a warning, the boy with the sword says, tugging at his sleeve. lalonde here had to watch willow once a day for a year to make it into our little pro bono circlejerk
Initiation "Ritz"?
yeah
rits
ritz crackers??
not even close
that was so far off the mark you hit the other guys target
bowling ball bounced right over the bumpers and into the galactic bowling lane with all the discount seniors hobbling around with their half price bowling balls
An oblique reference to the Ritz Hotel? I'll admit it doesn't make much sense even in context.
okay look goddamn its short for rituals
You turn around and make a break for it.
woah red alert the chickens flown the coop
oh fuck!!!!!
The two of them dash after you. Heart pounding as fast as your feet, you jump over hedges and take shortcuts through neighbors' yards, ignoring the surprised yelps of dogs and small children.
come back you dumb jerk!!
fuck off! you yell, rounding a corner and skidding to a stop, coming face-to-face with a fence. You whirl around and they're coming right at you, the girl wearing a fierce expression that gives you the motivation you need to scale the fence.
shit, shit, shit, you say, wedging your sneaker between two planks and hoisting yourself up. shit. They're closer now, only a few houses away, and you fling one leg over the fence and then the other and you start to twist your torso but something is shoving you--
oof.
When you open your eyes, you're lying flat on your back and they're standing over you. All three of them.
you pushed me, you say accusingly to the girl who took your wallet, and she gives a gracious nod. You groan.
The girl with the rifle offers you a hand and you take it. She hoists you up with a little upsy daisy! and dusts off the back of your shrt.
im really sorry about all that, she says, and you rub at a scraped elbow.
what the hell do you want from me? you say, and the girl with the rifle looks at the boy. He shrugs.
Strider, the girl who took your wallet says, you alone talked with the seer.
youve all heard it
Yes, but we were not chosen by her.
chosen
more like licked in the face and soundly beaten at any multiplayer xbox game of her choosing
great gal
the neighbors are staring, says the girl with the rifle, twisting a strand of hair around a finger. can we leave and explain on the way???
Simultaneously, they all look at you.
You dig your fingers into your palms and look at your shoes.
okay, you say.
/
In the back of the truck, hours later, Jade holds your hands and knocks her knees against yours.
if were wrong, she says, watching you, then thats really the best case scenario for everyone.
You smile nervously.
and if you're right?
She chews at her lip.
Of course, that's when the truck accelerates to a manic speed and Dave opens the door to the back and says derse fighter got a lock on us captain and Jade stands up and says all power to the warp core!!!! and clambers over seats (almost kicking you in the face) and into the front. You follow her.
whats up?? she says, shoving you into a backseat and checking the rearview mirrors.
There's a vehicle with Derse license plates approaching at-- don't you dare, driving a car with you in the passenger seat is the vehicular equivalent of doing brain surgery with a crescendo of screaming babies in the operating room, she says as Dave tries to take shotgun.
no cmon im your copilot
i come with a free bumper sticker
I'll require a license plate tray that reads something to the effect of 'my other ride is a tractor.'
The radio crackles.
unregistered vehicle, it says, please pull over. we wish to examine your cargo.
rose, says Jade, clenching her fist. you need to say 'examine this!!!!' and then floor it!
Examine this, says Rose, smiling thinly, and floors it.
wow, i've never been in a real car chase before, you tell Rose, who is gripping the steering wheel too-tight.
It really is a unique experience. Personally I'd recommend that all driver's education courses require a car chase at ungodly speeds to test reflexes and quick thinking under-- excuse me.
She makes a sharp right turn and sends Jade tumbling into you and you tumbling into Dave, who makes a funny oomf sounds when your elbow catches him in the rib.
sorry, you tell him, and spit out a strand of Jade's hair.
watch where you drive my baby, says Jade, buckling you in and reaching under the seat. dave, are you buckled?
yeah im strapped in tighter than a
no, he's not, you interrupt, and he stomps on your foot.
Jade pulls out a nasty-looking gun with a scope on it and hops into the passenger seat, rolling down the window. She jabs a finger at Dave and yells at him over the wind, her hair whipping into her face.
buckle up, mister too-cool-for-traffic-safety, before i buy you a booster seat!!! She leans out the window and begins firing at the approaching vehicle.
traffic safety, says Dave. right harleys such a paradigm of good health and safe decisions
hell i know the first person id elect to talk to my impressionable kids about traffic safety is a lunatic who leans out of car windows at 90 mph and takes potshots at limos
there's a limo following us? you ask, turning in your seat to look behind you.
i swear to god thats the most excited hes looked all day, says Dave, toeing the back of Rose's seat. try telling him hey kid guess what youre the savior of oh i dunno the entire goddamn world
hes just like shrug
but man chase him with a limo and suddenly its like his fucking birthday
Dave, says Rose, and careens wildly into a sidestreet, there's something I must ask of you.
shoot
Somewhere in that godforsaken brain of yours, there is a certain central corvex (fried and misused though it is). Therein lies, however long buried, the capacity to shut up. I'd like you to do me a favor and access that damp, dark region of your grey matter. Can you do that? Or must I unceremoniously dump your still-warm body into a ditch between here and our destination?
He mouths "oh shit" at you. You laugh, surprised.
YES!!!!! eat bullets, fuckass!!!
She sits back down, rolls up the window, and smooths down her hair.
i got em, she says unnecessarily. Rose loosens her grip on the steering wheel.
Yes, well done, she says. You do realize what this means.
Jade looks at you.
It means our gamble was right, and Derse knows it.
what does that mean? you ask, folding your legs up into the seat.
you cant go home, Jade says, and you watch the scenery flash by the window and wonder what your dad was going to make for dinner tonight.
/
cant go there, says Dave, marking up a map with a fat red Sharpie. riots and shit im talking hate mail wrapped around a brick and thrown into windows because apparently people still do that outside of yuppie flicks
You lean over and read the map upside down.
what are they rioting about? you ask, taking a bite of your sandwich. Dave crosses out another location on the map and takes the other half of your sandwich off the plate. oh, that has mustard, bro.
thats just sick, he says, opening the sandwich and wiping off the mustard with a napkin. you are a sick man
riots, dave! please stay on topic. and you are the sick one for not liking mustard.
right okay, he says. sicko
He puts the sandwich back together and points at the map with it.
ever been to the chain of prospit
that really big bridge? yeah.
got bombed, he says. atm no one knows if it was derse or prospit
why would we bomb our own bridge? you ask. also the lunchmeat is falling out of your sandwich.
He eats it.
everyone thinks the king is just this incompetent tool, he says, tapping the table and chewing. this sandwich is nasty
haha, well, it's basically bologna and mustard. and you wiped off the mustard.
so you add up civil unrest plus an unpopular leader plus an upcoming war that nobodys doing jackshit about, he says, putting the sandwich back on the plate, and voila
riots?
riots
i don't get what this has to do with me, you say, resting your chin in your hands. i never even watch the news.
He checks his watch.
they should be back by now
jade's always late, you say, picking at your sandwich, but Dave's already up and getting his sword, unlocking the door. You stand up.
stay here
and do what, guard the truck?
He opens the door and shrugs.
that
or you could play solitaire
we only have a canole deck, you say. He jumps down to the ground.
then build a two tier card deck gothic cathedral with all the trimmings
im expecting architectural fucking grandeur when we get back
make me proud
if they really are in trouble, you say, leaning out the door, won't you need my help?
signs point to no
i can't make flying buttresses out of cards! you yell, and he walks across the desert leaving little puffs of dust in his footsteps.
You start on the foundations for your card house for all of fifteen minutes before locking up the truck and traipsing across the desert after Dave.
i hope they're okay, you tell the desert. The wind whistles forlornly and you kick up sand around your feet.
hello, hello, hello, you sing softly. is there anybody in there??
The setting sun promises a freezing night, so you start speedwalking.
There's a dark spot on the horizon, which turns into a block, which turns into a store. You hear a gunshot and burst into a run.
guys? you say, reaching the front doors. There's silence. You push open the left one and peek inside. guys?
It's dark. You walk inside and it's roomy, with a kind of warehouse-appliance-store smell.
anybody in here?
The unseen man behind you cocks his gun, and the sound is so loud it startles you into a shelf. You crash into a display case of power tools. A packaged electric drill jams into your back.
oh christ, you say, and the man takes a step forward. Then another. You scramble for something, anything, but he's walking, and raising his gun, and--
A thought occurs to you.
Did he kill your friends?
Did he bring that barrel up to JadeRoseDave and pull the trigger, puncturing lungs, tearing skin, the dull thud of a bullet hitting the brain--
In the darkness, on the floor, you imagine them bleeding out onto the cold linoleum, rasping, drawing breath but unable to breathe.
The man pulls the trigger with an ear-shattering BLAM (there's pain there, somewhere, blinding and bright) and you get a grip on the rubber mallet behind you
and you swing it up and smash him in the temple.
/
i cant believe you did that!!!! says Jade for the tenth time, punching you in the arm and hugging you.
ow, you say, laughing. sorry for leaving becquerel, he could have been stolen.
bec is a truck, she says sternly, moving a few feet when Rose shoos her away. you are a john.
We removed the bullet and set the bone, but the left side of your clavicle is shattered, she tells you, fingers pressing along your collarbone. A sling, of course, will be in order.
of course. who was that guy? you say.
An agent of Derse, she says. We'll discuss this later, when your pupils are returned to their normal size and the painkillers flushed out of your system.
i can talk now, you tell her. dave wanted me to build a house of cards, can you even believe that?
No, she says. No, I hardly can. Do you think yourself capable of putting a shirt on?
yes? maybe? You use your good arm to wrestle yourself halfway into the shirt.
Jade laughs at you.
are you seriously stuck???
wow, wrong. i'm not stuck. i'm resting.
Rose helps you into the shirt, giving you a look when you start giggling.
all righty, im gonna go get this baby back on the road. She grins at you one last time and heads into the front. yell when dave wakes up!!
he's still un-conscience, you tell Rose solemnly.
The word you seek, John, is 'unconscious,' Rose says, strapping the sling together behind your neck.
oh. right.
The engine starts with a rumble and the truck kicks back into motion.
i'm glad you guys are okay, you say. you had me really worried.
You're maudlin like this, she says, snapping the first-aid kit closed. More so than usual, I suppose.
you talk to people like you expect them to have a dictionary on hand, you say. that's not actually a thing that people do.
Why, what's this? she says, pulling something from her back pocket in mock suprise. A pocket thesaurus, how serendipitous. She hands it to you. Remember me when you look up synonyms for naughty words.
i would never, you say, holding it to your heart. She raises her eyebrows. okay, maybe sometimes.
There are only three synonyms in that volume for 'ravish,' a fact I find woefully inadequate, she says.
one of them is violate, says Dave from the bed, rolling his shoulders. christ did a ballet troupe hold a dress rehearsal on my head
They performed Swan Lake, that ever graceful and sublime axiom of high culture, says Rose, leaning over and checking his head. You'll be pleased to note they were in fine form.
god i fucking hope so
You'll get a box seat come performance night, she says, prying his eyelid open. Compliments of the lead ballerina.
is she hot, he says, blinking blearily.
She, says Rose, pouring a glass of water, is beyond comparison. Mere words would render her breathtaking beauty obsolete. After laying unworthy eyes upon this woman, Helen of Troy herself developed a crippling inferiority complex.
He looks at the offered water.
not thirsty
Don't be ridiculous.
hi dave! you say.you got blood on my pants earlier but i don't mind.
He squints at you.
what are you on
a chair, you say, swinging your legs.
smartass
what is he on
Far more painkillers than necessary, Rose says, setting the glass of water next to him. How are you feeling?
the ballerinas are now elephants
swan lake is now the cancan
et cetera
Stop talking, says Rose, and he gives her a grateful frown. She smiles, and he falls asleep with his hand curled loosely around hers.
/
theres like fifteen daddy long legs holding a conference above the shower, Dave tells you, crunching on an ice cube. You laugh into your glass.
man, cheap hotels are the best.
this place is a gyp
i didnt even get a complimentary mint on my pillow its like opening up a christmas present the size of your mattress and surprise
its just a bunch of bricks
i ate it. sorry dude!
its cool, he says, writing his name in the condensation. wonder how long well get in this one
i should get a disguise, you say, grinning and taking a sip.
grow a mustache, he suggests, and tops off your glass. You make a sound like a punctured balloon and collapse onto the table.
jade said she was going to sneak in and paint our nails during the night, you say, head resting on your arms. Dave pretends to examine his fingernails.
god i hope she can fix my nail beds theyre like the dilapidated ruins of what was once a prosperous fingernation
oh, cmon, she doesn't know how to do manicures. she's just going to spill nail polish on your face.
if she uses the wrong shade of red im going to flip a tit
jesus dick i said carmine
not this maroon bullshit
don't worry, i'll lock the door.
since when has a solid object ever stopped harley from getting her way, he says, and glances at the tumbler. bad news were out of sprite
i'm not going to get more, you say, pushing your glass towards him. that vending machine is haunted.
it is eternally infested by the tortured souls who pressed e4
all we wanted was root beer they cry
but they got a coke, you say, lifting your head. coke... and death.
death by coke, he says, and lifts your glass up to the dinky lightbulb, rotating it slowly. hm
wait, what, are you seriously checking for backwash?
yeah
so
so we didn't even eat anything!
you might have hocked a loogie into it while i wasnt looking he says, peering into it. dont even pretend like you havent done that before
because you have
like five times
You chuckle (good times) and run your finger over initials carved haphazardly into the table. Like alphabet soup. AM <3 SC. RL wuz hrere.
rose says there's been a lot of assassinations lately, you say, tracing a chickenscratched K, and Dave looks at you.
jesus dont worry about that shit okay
wasnt anyone you knew
You frown.
dave, if somebody gets shot in broad daylight a mile away from where i used to live, then yeah, i'm going to worry about it. You dig your fingernail into an uneven V. i don't get why we're running.
look, he says, youre not safe anywhere
i'm safe with you guys, you say. i'm safe with jade and rose. i'm safe with you.
He drinks your soda and doesn't say anything so you nudge him in the shin.
go get more soda, you say. you don't even like sprite!
yes i do watch
mmmm corroded battery acid
my favorite
there's always the minibar, you say, scratching your chin.
rose will nail our foreheads to the wall, says Dave, finishing your soda, but what the hell
we don't have a can opener.
use your teeth, he says wickedly, and you kick him in the knee.
asshole, you say, but when you smile it is soft, and when he smiles it is slow.
/
Coming here was a bad idea, you tell yourself. You just have this feeling but you don't say it out loud because then everyone else would freak.
Dave's restless, automatically moving towards anyone who steps within a yard of you. You convinced Jade to forgoe the assault rifle in favor of a small pistol tucked neatly away. Rose is behind you, placing a calming hand on your shoulder when you look at the crowds.
Those are not for you, she says, squeezing your shoulder one last time and letting go. This is not for you.
there are too many people here Jade says, pacing like a guard dog on duty. john, are you sure about this???
You pick at your cuticles and laugh.
hell no. but i mean, jeez, the king's dead, you say, and look up at the poster on the building. we should pay our respects, right? i think it's the right thing to do.
its not like he was a personal friend, says Dave, glancing over the crowd. Rose joins him and they exchange a few murmured words, faces tilted in sharp angles of worry. You frown and Jade starts to say something but.
You become aware:
here's a murmur, there's a new heartbeat in the crowd, pulsing and pounding and shifting the air.
air?
"Air. Air. Air. Air."
The mob mentality, Rose says, bringing up a hand to shield her eyes from the sun. Frightening, isn't it?
why are they asking for air?
There is no speaker, no common cause. There is simply a multitude of Dersites and Prospitians and centuries of pain, culminating in why and where is our salvation and you promised us an--
heir, Dave says, his shoulders stiffening.
Rose breathes, Oh, and Jade brings her hand up to her mouth.
The people surge forward, closer to the capitol, and from your hiding spot you are tugged forward by something in your chest,
like a kite on a string in a breeze.
Halfway there, the crowd is stirred and turns towards you, recognition and something harsher forming into shouts.
(holy shit no)
Jade is screaming at you, really screaming, but the crowd closes in and you know that she can't push her way through and as their feet pound out a morse code message of betrayal and blame, you
breathe
and hope that nobody gets hurt in this, like those old documentaries where the hippies got shot by the police and stuff. That was awful
you watched one with your dad
you wonder if he's watching this on TV. You think that would
be neat, you've never been on TV before
and, for once, you don't listen to your friends
because you think
that you knew all along.)
/
And after you disappear in the mob, three things will happen:
One of your friends will cry.
One of your friends will find, flattened with footprints and dogeared pages, a small pocket thesaurus.
One of them will listen to the radio and hear that the Derse army has drawn back, that peace talks have been arranged, that Prospit is electing its new leader as they speak.
He will go outside meaning to break the radio; to smash it against a wall or crush it with a rock or shoot it until its wires are burntburntburnt--
Instead he fiddles with the dials until he comes to a station that isn't holding a moment of silence.
/
and he will become savior of the waking world.
-transcript, line 6 of the seer's First Prophecy.