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I
The last time Erwin saw him Levi had been covered in somebody else's blood.
It was busy that night, inside Mephiticus, Shiganshina's only alternative bar where local bands could go on stage and play at their will. This was widely appealing to young people whose hopes still hadn't been crushed, so its audience consisted mainly of teenagers and adults who were still in denial that they weren't young anymore. By the same token, most other people, including Erwin, never went to Mephiticus—the music was just too dreadful. However, being a self-respecting college graduate in Music, and being a music critic on his YouTube channel, Erwin made himself go to the bar and check out the new bands. This night, of all nights, he was loath to notice, was the first time the place was spilling out with people. And he knew that it was because of Levi.
Noisome, he noted the band's name. Clever, perhaps it'll be an accurate name too and they'll stink! Ashamed of his own jealousy, Erwin, just standing there in the crowd, didn't know what to do with his arms. He crossed them and embraced himself to keep the embarrassment in. He checked around to see if anyone had noticed it, as though his thoughts were written out on his face, but no one was looking—no one ever really noticed him. Unlike Levi, no one knew him; and the fans he'd acquired through his video reviews were only strangers who didn't care to know him further than his filtered opinions. It was hard for him to admit, but even in his work he couldn't be himself. His character was that of the fair-headed geek who was too passionate about songs for his own good. But without this easily memed persona, he knew nobody would ever really like his videos. Most of the comments he got were always about how funny he looked with his face red all over. They only ever like me when they can laugh at me.
He looked at Levi with thunderstorms in his eyes.
Levi stepped on stage. His fragile silhouette concealed everything; he was literature in a world of illiterates; a black hole attracting everything, sparing nothing. Everybody was still, and the bar was quiet; he was the lightning that made the dark dark. He held the world in his breath. The tension built until he released it.
"This song is called Smile," he said. The scarring on his face, slits from lips to cheeks, made him look disturbed when he actually smiled. Still, like everyone, Erwin couldn't help wanting to be crushed by it. He thrilled in the knowledge that he knew something about Levi that no one in Mephiticus that night did—he knew how Levi had gotten those scars.
Like an itch on a phantom limb
Time can't scratch out everything—
Loki forgotten, bound to a rock,
His children starting Ragnarok.
As his mother rotted in a cave
Decay was the boy's only company—
For him the grave steadily came
But then Uncle Kenny saved him.
Intricate markings covered Levi's white arms in black ink, he was like an illustrated man and Erwin could read him all over.
"Be nice to him," his father had said once. "His name is Levi, he's new in town."
Erwin looked at the small, thin boy his father had pointed out to him. "He looks like he's ill," Erwin said.
"I suppose he must be..." his father had a sad, dark look in his eyes. "But don't mention it to him. And don't make fun of him!" he said.
Erwin nodded. "Where is he from?"
"A very bad place. But his uncle took him in just in time."
Though not soon enough, he thought, once Levi looked like the skeleton underneath his paper-thin, almost translucent skin.
"Are you working on his case?"
His father nodded but didn't volunteer any more information.
"Just be nice to him, Erwin. Even if everybody isn't, even if it makes people dislike you. Just be a nice person," he kissed Erwin's wrinkled brow and left him at the school's gate.
In the following days Erwin kept his eye on Levi, because he feared the boy could collapse at any moment—how that frail frame of his kept the weight of an oversized head was beyond the realm of Physics in Erwin's universe.
The light-hearted tanned children ran
From his darkly pale evil—they fought
For their day's domain—seeing pain's reign
Kenny said, "Boy—yours is the night."
It was like he was a diseased child, everyone stared in horror and disgust, including the teachers, everywhere he went. At lunch he ate alone, at a huge table by himself. Everyday Erwin told himself that he'd eat next to Levi tomorrow but tomorrow was always being postponed. He hated himself for it; couldn't look his father in the eyes anymore.
It was a feeble attempt at being nice to him, but Erwin still relented in the fact that he spent hours reading in the library with Levi. They were never close to each other, but they always knew the other was there; Erwin made sure to always give a friendly nod and smile whenever he caught Levi looking at him.
One day, Erwin noticed that Levi was reading the book he'd just finished reading the day before and decided to do the same thing. So they'd exchange books and reading recommendations this way; Levi went as far as to leave notes inside the books saying things like: I liked this one! Creepy, though; or, The last one you read was pretty bad, go read Battle Royale instead! and Erwin always followed the recommendations and was rarely disappointed, though often disturbed, because the books Levi liked the most were always Horror. The last book Erwin remembered reading because Levi told him to was Poppy Z. Brite's Lost Souls, a nasty novel but one that Erwin became obsessed with.
While the boy gently wept on his shoulder
Kenny took him back down into the dark
Where he taught him how to smile large
Even when being crushed by the world.
With this silent back and forth, Erwin forgot about his guilt, and decided it was enough what he was already doing. He could look in his father's eyes, say that he was nice to Levi and mean it.
But one day Levi approached Erwin and his group of friends at lunch and sat next to them. He didn't say anything at all. Not knowing what to do Erwin pretended he wasn't there at all. Already feeling bad about himself, Erwin felt even worse when Levi left his seat stained with silent teardrops.
He never saw Levi in the library after that. But he kept all the notes.
Sardonic grin—slits from lips to cheeks—
Can't help smiling when I see everything—
In these naïve lyrics
Are my worst memories.
It was pouring when the doorbell rang in his house. He opened the door to find Levi shivering, covered in blood.
"What happened?"
"I didn't know where else to go."
"What happened to your face!"
Levi wept without feeling his tears in the rain. "He taught me how to smile."
"Your uncle?"
Levi nodded.
"I'll call my dad."
"No!" Levi grabbed Erwin's arm. "Please, don't tell anyone. I'll just go away... I shouldn't've come. I don't know why I..."
"But you're hurt; you're bleeding all over."
Levi shook his head. "Only on the face. The rest is not my blood."
Erwin didn't know what to say to this. He knew he should be scared of Levi, but he only felt like crying for him; he looked so pitiful.
"Look I... I need to help you, Levi," he said. "You'll die."
"No," Levi said. "This is nothing compared to what I've been through. I can handle it. I'm sorry for disturbing you. I guess I thought of looking for your father since he helps me out a lot..."
Erwin swallowed. "Stay here," he said, and when he came back he had an umbrella, a heavy coat and a first-aid kit. "I'll try and bandage you up."
"You really don't have—"
"I do!" he said. "I'm an asshole to you at school. This is the least I can do," he wrapped the warm coat around Levi's malnourished frame. "Let's go, I know a place nobody will disturb us."
"Thank you," Levi said feebly. Light-headed it was as if he were intoxicating in Erwin's smell. Just lost too much blood, probably, he thought.
He took Levi to the park nearby, led him through a broken kissing gate and an overgrown path to a forgotten bench kept secret from the sky by the wild trees around it. Only a few raindrops managed to make their way through the treetops.
Seated on the bench, Erwin's hands were shaking.
"Do I make you nervous?" Levi said slyly.
"Yes," Erwin answered earnestly. "You look like you're going to die after having killed someone."
"I mean, you're half right. Do you want to know which?"
"Stop joking around!" Erwin said. "Look, I think you need stitches and I can't do that! So after this we'll go to a hospital."
"No," Levi said blankly. "I don't like hospitals."
"But you need one right now. Stop being stubborn!"
"No, I won't let you take me. I'll just live with the scars."
"Fuck, Levi! Fine! But if you die don't fucking come haunting me."
"Oh no," Levi said good-naturedly, "I'll go straight to hell after tonight, Erwin."
Erwin sighed. "Okay, keep still." He touched Levi's face lightly, so as not to do further damage, but Levi suddenly jumped up. "What? Did I hurt you?"
"In a way," he wouldn't look at Erwin now.
"You sound like you're crying."
"I'm fine. I just have to go. I'm sorry for bothering you," he said while taking the coat around himself.
"Wait, but... What?"
"I'm sorry," Levi said, already running away.
When his father arrived from work, Erwin told him about Levi. His father, then, rushed out of the house without saying a word.
Kenny can eat his secrecy—
He loved the fragile teen idol
He saved from poverty—
He taught him how to smile
And now he can't can it.
I fired your desire
For my kisses—you were a vampire—
The iron-y taste of my blood in your tongue
Deafened you to the ire of my song.
After that Levi was sent to a home for troubled youths and Erwin went to college. Years later his father told him that Levi had come from a bad family and that Kenny, instead of taking care of him, abused the boy instead. So it was Kenny who had cut up Levi's face and Levi had killed his uncle.
I guess I know which half I got right now, Erwin thought, though he wished he didn't.
With the song over now, the crowd cheered Levi on, who seemed like he didn't even know there were people in the same place as him. He walked off stage without looking back.
Erwin, then, left Mephiticus, mentally writing his review on the way home.
When the video was finally up he slumped on the bed, exhausted. His brain, though, was a whirlwind. He put on some music to try and relax his mind but Fiona Apple's Every Single Night only led him further away from sleep.
Admitting loss and giving up on sleep Erwin got up and went for a walk to try and clear his thoughts.
II
Levi had been sitting on the couch for the past half hour just looking at his cellphone.
"What are you watching?" Eren said.
"Nothing important," Levi said.
"Lies. Just let me see it."
"It's just some stupid review about our last performance, I wouldn't be bothered by it."
Eren took Levi's phone and started watching the video. "Guys, come see this!" he called the rest of the band.
They all had been hanging out in Eren's messy room smoking weed.
"What is it, Jaeger?" Jean said.
"Look at this shit," he shoved Levi's phone in Jean's hands.
As they watched Erwin's video, the band became angrier and angrier.
"Who the fuck does he think he is?" Reiner said, furious.
"He doesn't even look like the kind of guy to watch our shows!" Marco said, disbelieving.
Jean shrugged. "Whatever, guys. He can think what he thinks. And so can we."
"But this is such bad press!" Reiner said.
"Any press is good press, even bad press," Jean said, lighting another joint.
Levi kept quiet. He didn't want to tell them he actually followed Erwin's content on the internet. He'd bumped into one of his videos and just never stopped watching them. He wasn't particularly interested in Erwin's reviews but he just liked seeing Erwin and hearing his voice. He'd never thought, though, that Erwin would make a video about his band, let alone a pretty negative one. He also didn't expect to be as affected by it as he was.
Having been through a lot in his life, Levi took pride in being quite a resilient person, but Erwin's bad opinion of his music made him feel fragile. Why do I feel like I want his approval?
"Hey, why are you so quiet? Are you upset about the review?" Eren said, sitting next to Levi, noticing his furrowed brow.
Levi shrugged.
Eren touched Levi's knee, caressing it through the small rip on his jeans. "You know, I could cheer you up, if you want me to... Do you want me to?"
Levi shrugged again, his eyes empty and far away.
"I'll take that as a yes," said Eren, kissing Levi's neck, biting it playfully, making his way downwards until Reiner suddenly grabbed his shoulder and yanked him away from Levi.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he said to Eren.
"What?" Eren said, feigning innocence.
"Why do you always have to be such a fucking asshole, Eren?" Reiner said, red in the face and teary-eyed.
"Look, it's not my fucking fault that you're in love with me or something," Eren said. "I don't want you."
"And Levi doesn't want you either, but you're still all over him all the fucking time!"
"You don't know if he wants me or not."
"Oh everybody knows, Eren!" Reiner said. "It looked like you were trying to suck off a corpse! Have some fucking dignity!"
Eren blushed. "Dignity? That's funny coming from you, Reiner. You're not better than me."
"No, but I'm more dignified."
"Oh?" Eren raised an eyebrow. "So when you tried to suck me off in my sleep that was dignified? You're not ashamed of that?"
"That... That has nothing to do with this," Reiner mumbled.
"No? Well at least Levi was fucking awake and I asked for his consent."
"He didn't say yes."
"He didn't say no," Eren said. "I said no to you, or have you already forgotten?"
"You're a fucking asshole," Reiner was trying not to cry.
"At least I'm not a sexual predator," Eren shrugged, turning his back on Reiner and returning to Levi, who hadn't moved during their argument. But before he could reach Levi, Reiner grabbed him again and punched him right in the face.
Not saying anything Eren immediately retaliated.
"Oh no..." said Marco. "What do we do?"
"Either let them kill each other, or stop them," said Jean.
Marco sighed. "We should stop them. We still need to play shows to pay the rent."
"I mean, we could spare one guitar..."
"But not a bassist," said Marco.
"You have a point there."
Levi left the house as Jean and Marco went to stop Eren and Reiner's fight. Levi didn't care if they destroyed the entire house, he just wanted time alone with his thoughts—too fleeting to capture, his head was filled with memories.
He touched his scarred smile and it was like his heart was an alien creature eating him inside out. There was a painful lack that ran through his veins. He felt like he was dying from the absence of something vital, like a fish without water. It's his touch that I'm missing, he realized, remembering the moment that scared him so much he had to run. I'd never been touched with such tenderness before or since that night... Pathetic! He regretted having run away from Erwin. I'm a stupid fucking coward! He was bitter and his eyes stung with the tears he kept well hidden.
Not knowing what to do with his yearning, Levi strode along the empty streets of Shiganshina. His thoughts were like butterflies fluttering in his head. Restless and far past exhaustion he had no destination in sight. He followed the instinct of his feet until he saw himself standing at the old, broken kissing gate. Through it he followed the overgrown path to the abandoned parking bech. He felt safe amidst the trees, protected from the infinity of the night sky.
Levi expected to sleep on the bench but when he found it somebody was already sleeping there. And he knew that it was Erwin.
III
Erwin's review had affected Levi's band, because the night Noisome debuted their next song Mephiticus was almost empty. He felt guilty about it but Levi didn't seem to mind it at all—he just kept glancing at Erwin from the stage, unable to keep himself from smiling, to which Erwin had to bite his lower lip to contain his own feelings for Levi.
"This song," Levi said, "is called The Beholder," he winked at Erwin and the band began to play. And just like the first time Erwin heard Levi sing, memories surfaced.
I'm not pretty to look at—
Don't have the eyes for it.
Mirrors insult
But he beholds me with love.
He'd heard somebody approaching but he thought he was dreaming.
"Hey," Levi said.
Erwin opened his eyes. "Am I dreaming?"
"It depends. Is this a good dream?"
"I think so."
"Then you're definitely not dreaming," Levi smiled. "Nobody ever dreams about me."
"You don't know that," Erwin said, scooting over the bench.
"I do," said Levi, sitting next to Erwin. "I'm only ever a character in people's nightmares."
"Not in mine," Erwin mumbled, looking down. There was a pregnant pause where Erwin breathed in and Levi didn't know what to say back. But before he could figure it out, Erwin blurted, "I'm sorry! I still think about how much of a piece of shit I was to you in high school, like when I didn't talk to you at lunch because I was afraid other people would hate me and I can never move past that day I made fun of you! I didn't mean what I said, I don't remember what I said, but I know that it hurt you because you stopped going to school after that and then I only saw you when you came to my house all hurt and cold! And I'm sorry I let you run away, and that I never made an effort to see you after that! I knew where you were because my father told me you were in an orphanage but I just never had the guts to go see you! I'm a selfish piece of shit and I don't blame you if you hate me and I'm still a piece of shit because I made a stupid, dishonest video talking about your how I didn't like your music! I'm sorry!" He was pleading, almost begging; he felt pathetic and believed he was a pathetic person.
As Erwin drowned in guilt and tasted his own tears Levi burst out laughing.
"Damn, I didn't know you had all of that in you!"
"What do you mean?" Erwin said, resentfully.
"I didn't know you still feel guilt about the past," Levi said. "You know, all children are pretty much assholes. I remember being a total snob when it came to books. I never liked any of the books you read and still had the guts to recommend better versions of those books," he smiled, shrugging.
"Some kids are more assholes than others," Erwin said. "Being a snob isn't nearly as bad as a coward."
"Maybe not," Levi said, "but you can't fix the past, Erwin, so don't shackle yourself to it. Set yourself free."
"I can only do that if you forgive me."
"No," he said. "I won't do that."
"Why not?"
Levi shrugged. "Feeling regret is all well and good, but wanting to be forgiven is selfish. I can never forgive you, or anyone, Erwin. I can never forget either," he sighed. "Oh well, that's life," he patted Erwin's back lightly.
"So you hate me," Erwin said, sullen.
"I never said that."
"I feel so embarrassed right now, I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing all the time!" Levi said. "It gets old really quick."
"I'm sor—" Erwin stopped himself, blushing.
Levi laughed appreciatively. "That's a start."
He knows how I got these scars
And still loves my nasty laugh.
His touch makes me die a little—
Ma petite mort.
"How did Noisome start?" Erwin said to fill the silence.
"At the orphanage. We bonded over having fallen through the cracks of society—we were like the people who lived in the sewers of London in Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere," he said.
"Oh, I've read that one."
"I know you have!" Levi grinned. "Anyway, one of them tried to give me a blowjob but I didn't let him. Still, we got closer after that, and then he introduced me to the others. They were already a band—all of them very musical. They needed a vocalist and lyricist so I just thought 'why not' and that was that," he finished.
"Oh, that's nice..." Erwin said without having anything else to say.
"No, it really isn't," Levi said. "Just a bunch of orphans trying to gain anybody's love by being seen under a spotlight, by shouting, by covering their bodies in tattoos and piercings, by wearing stupid clothes..." he sighed, "by doing anything and everything to have attention... See, Erwin? I'm shackled to my past too. Which, I guess, makes me a hypocrite. Me telling you to free yourself when I'm also not free," he frowned, annoyed at himself. "You know what's also sad? I want your approval; I need it... I saw your video—I've been a silent follower for a long time. And when I heard what you said about Noisome I felt sad because I want you to like it; I even felt worthless."
"I'm sor—"
"Don't apologize!" Levi interrupted him. "Just... I don't know."
"That review isn't a good one, Levi," Erwin said. "It's dishonest. It's cruel because I envy you, Levi, and I was in denial about that when I made the video."
"Envy me?"
Erwin nodded. "People actually see you, and you're not scared of it. I wish I were like that."
"I'd switch places with you gladly, Erwin," Levi said. "I don't want to be this under-developed little thing that scares people off. I'd love to just be like you, to look like you—to be beautiful."
Flushing, Erwin said, "I don't know about that—"
"I do," Levi said, helpless. "I just can't get over it, wanting to be like everyone else."
"It's not your fault, Levi. You're a result of what the world did to you," Erwin tried to comfort him. "If it makes you feel better, I think you're beautiful."
Blushing, Levi looked down at his own knees.
He's not afraid of getting near,
He's the sun blotting out the other stars
And his heart is like a hearth
Warming me on Christmas Eve.
"My life is cold, Erwin," he said. "I feel dead, living in a morgue. I'm being autopsied by everybody. My bandmates. The social workers. Everybody. There's nobody who'll just treat me like a normal person. I'm a mad scientist's dead foetus in a jar, swelling up until I burst... That's the future I see for me... I ran away from you that night because I'd never been touched like that and it scared me. I thought my heart was going to burst out," he was teary-eyed.
"What do you mean?" Erwin frowned.
"I'd never been touched by anybody's love," Levi said, not looking at Erwin because he was too ashamed of himself. "I only ever knew what I thought was love—I only ever knew Kenny's touch, which always hurt and left me scarred for life."
Levi was red in the face, trying to keep his expression free from emotions, trying to keep all of his pain inside.
Erwin nudged closer, wrapped Levi in his arms and said, "It's okay. I'm here now."
When Levi finally gave in and let free his tears Erwin noticed that he was crying too.
Stuck in the shackles of my birth
Hope never hatched in my breast.
My chest was suffocated by my past
When he breathed into me self-worth.
Erwin lifted Levi's head gently until they were looking into each other's eyes.
"Levi," was all Erwin said before kissing him.
Their lips parted.
"Erwin," was all Levi said before kissing him.
Embraced, they fell asleep on the bench, under the overgrown trees, unbothered by the sky, as the morning sun gradually blotted out the stars.
He roped me into loving him
Until I loved myself—
He's the hell I burn in
Never minding what's in heaven.
"The band is getting worse, you know," Erwin told Levi.
"I know, I'm leaving, though, so I don't care."
"Why are you leaving!?"
"I've never been a very musical person," Levi said. "And I don't really want to be in the spotlight anymore."
"I'm sure they'll be sorry to see you go."
"No, they already have a replacement. A guy called Zeke or something. Sounds like a dick."
"Oh... I'm sure he sucks!"
"You mean worse than me?" Levi raised an eyebrow.
"That's not what I meant," Erwin rolled his eyes.
"I know, I just like to annoy you," on his tippy-toes, Levi kissed Erwin's cheek.
"You're not leaving Noisome because of me, are you?"
"I totally am."
Erwin frowned. "Oh..."
"Don't worry. The band isn't the only thing I have in my life anymore. My future is not an explosion anymore."
"What is it?"
"You really need me to say it?"
"No, I just like it when you say sappy stuff about us."
Levi laughed. "My future, our future, is just, I don't know, happy!"
"Awww," Erwin mocked.
Levi punched him on the shoulder. "I love you."
"I love you too," Erwin said back.
And together they made their way home without looking back.