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Poki woke up to Rae's arms around her and a quickly spreading blush on her face. She hadn't intended to sleep over again. Not really. But apparently, they have a cuddling thing now.
It's a new thing in her life, not for the limited experience part, but because she genuinely never liked it before. Being in bed with other people got her antsy. More than usual. Restless nights, worrying if she'll kick the person. Hurt a friend or make things weird with someone more than that. Being a blanket hog is different from shoving them straight out of the bed. Or waking up with everything within reach on the floor, be it her blankets, pillows or even her phone. That she's used to. It's her issue to deal with.
But then there's Rae.
The only person capable of persuading her to watch a movie at one am as if they hadn't been yawning for two hours by then. Too stubborn to stop talking. Not even the first five minutes of the movie stuck on her sleep-addled brain. One more silly rom-com. Rae put the damn thing on her phone and spooned Poki so they could watch with her holding the phone up. She knew what she was doing. They're close enough Poki could feel the smile on her face without even looking at her.
Therefore, she knows that Rae is tricking her into cuddling. But she doesn't hate it…
She couldn't. It's Rae.
With her arm heavy across Poki's waist, using her chest as a pillow, a leg tangled with hers. Effectively pining her in place. Making it so that every fluffy pillow, the dozen or so Rae keeps, Mika, the blankets, and even Mimi stayed on the bed. This makes her heart go wild. Mimi is the cutest thing ever, but she's the one who would have every reason to be reticent about this. Laying on her own little cushion, right by Rae's side, because, of course, she would rather be there. Poki would too if she was in her place. It's the gravity pull Rae has. Natural, ingrained into her whole being. And beyond that, Rae doesn't kick.
Mimi stared at Poki as she woke up. As her heart started to beat faster and all the night’s worth of anxiety came at once. As her body asked her once again what the fuck she was doing.
They have kissed a couple times now. The second, third and fourth times were not nearly as dramatic as her kissing Rae first. Rae did it almost absently. As if in a natural shift. Even though they haven't talked about it, any of it, yet. Rae doesn't even seem to need a talk. She started pulling her away from their roomies, rolling her eyes whenever Poki looked confused or tried to get back to her room after dinner. Doing her best for them to eat together, to spend more time in private. It's killing her. The whole ordeal showed her that Rae could ruin her. She's the only person ever to make her starve for someone's company. To effortlessly calm her.
She would know, her brain gets wrecked every time Rae flat out refuses to call her anything other than Imane. Even to chat. Not any easier on her heart either as she more and more wakes up to cuddling. To a full bed. To the uncertainty of one more day she doesn't know what they are.
It made her wish she was raised more liberal. Or at least be capable of wilding like a college girl and just living the present. That being young was enough she could go on without things she recognises as silly. And labels are stupid. From a theoretical perspective at least.
Yet this is wrecking her nerves. How it's been two weeks since she kissed Rae, the celebratory outburst when she found out they could be something more. That there's someone out there for her as sweet, dedicated and full of life as she is. Someone that might like her back, the real her beneath all these years in the public eye.
Closing her eyes again she tried to call her raving heart. They'll talk at some point this week. It still bothers her. It's been two weeks, almost three, and things are just hanging in the air. A charged static ready to shock her back into reality when Rae stops entertaining her.
With one more deep breath Poki felt the panic attack coming. Swift and coming at her fast. The world was getting more and more distant as she couldn't catch a breath. Rae moves further into her chest. Almost fully on top of her. It shocks her a little, cleaning her tears with a shaking hand. This is most definitely something she doesn't want Rae to see. Never, if she has a choice.
But Rae doesn't wake up as she thought she would.
Head pressed onto her neck, with little sleepy kisses. A hum that let her know Rae was definitely still asleep. Maybe even dreaming. It calmed her heart somewhat. Not the tears that kept coming out. Silent. Her heart felt as if a dam broke on it a few months ago, every time she ends up crying she only feels worse. Rae, or even being around her without talking, made the flood feel more natural. Manageable. Faster then all the therapy she did in the past year.
The humming stopped.
And Poki noticed her booming panic fading away with it.
The humming turned to mumbling, and more sleepy kisses that made her giggle. It was incomprehensible. And a very ‘Rae thing’ she was finding out. The cute talking while she's asleep.
“Love you.” She said, her words clearer then. More than all the others. The smile it brought to her face was out of her control, like the butterflies.
Poki kisses the top of her head, arms tightening around Rae. Who settles down. Back asleep like nothing happened, as if she didn't make Poki's heart feel so much. Like she didn't mess with Poki's whole heart with so little effort.
Yeah, sure, Rae can ruin her. She's more than capable of it.
But she wouldn't. Not in any way that mattered.
Never to hurt her.
Ever.
“I love you too.”