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Evan stared, dumbfounded, at the small box in his hands. It was wrapped in yellowed parchment paper and taped clumsily on the sides. On the top, “For Evan” was written with black marker in Sam’s loopy handwriting. Evan looked up at his three friends. “What is this?”
“It’s a present,” Dream said, with an implied duh .
“I know that,” Evan said, “But why? I haven’t told you guys when my birthday is.”
“Yeah,” Dream sighed, “I’m still working on that. It’s hard, since you’re not really online, but I’m gonna figure it out.”
“There doesn’t need to be a special occasion to give someone a present,” Sam said, gently cutting Dream off. “We just wanted to get you something to say, ‘Thanks for being our friend’, y’know?”
Evan’s eyes filled up with tears. “I should be thanking you guys for being my friends.”
“You say it pretty much every day,” Dream said.
Evan wiped at his eyes with the hand that wasn’t holding the box. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” Jammer said, “Just open it.”
Evan took a deep breath to calm himself, then let it out. “Okay.” He tore the paper open carefully.
The last time he’d gotten a present, he’d been ten years old and it was Christmas Eve. It was a new set of pajamas. His foster parents had given it to him, smiling. One present tonight, and the rest tomorrow , they’d said.
Four hours later, the house had burned all the way to the ground. Two body bags were being wheeled away from the pile of ash. The new pajamas were covered in soot. Evan had to throw them out when he got to the police station.
Evan opened the small white box that had been under the wrapping. When he saw what was inside, his eyes went watery again. “Is that - oh my god -”
It was a digital camera. It shone a bright metallic red, with silver buttons and black shutters over the lens. A gray corded wristlet hung from its edge. He looked up at his friends again, completely lost for words.
“You’re always saying how these are the best days you’ve ever had,” Jammer said. “And we thought maybe you’d wanna remember them.”
“Turn it over,” Sam said. When Evan did, he gasped. There was a black, glossy screen. “So you can see the pictures,” she said with a radiant smile.
Dream spoke up. “And when the memory card fills up, we can plug it into our computers and save the pictures so you can take more.”
Evan turned his head between his three friends, his chest tight with both love for his friends and guilt over the present. “I can’t - I can’t possibly accept this.”
“Of course you can,” Jammer said. “We all chipped in. It’s a gift, and we got it for you, ‘cause we love you.”
Evan fully started sobbing. His friends didn’t hesitate before embracing him.
Being Dream's boyfriend was a lot easier than Evan thought it would be.
Part of that was because Dream chilled out a lot after her pink transformation. Actually, "chilled out" wasn't the right phrase; she was still passionate and excitable and intense. But she told Evan that embracing her new "lovecore goth lifestyle" made her life a lot easier.
Dream's wardrobe had shifted overnight; their goth clothes turned pink and white, the skull patterns turned into hearts, and the chains turned from tarnished metal into glittering gold. Dream obviously didn't completely change in one day, but they really worked on themselves over the next month and a half, and it showed.
"I can be myself, more," she told Evan one day when they were studying in the library. "I used to resent people for being able to embrace themselves when I never could. And now that I'm honest about who I am… I'm a lot less angry. And I'm trying to be less selfish." Evan stretched his hand out across the wooden table, and Dream took it in hers.
Despite Dream’s steady transformation, Evan was still really nervous about the whole relationship thing, because he'd never been in a real relationship before, and Dream was just so cool, and he didn't want to mess anything up.
"And so I understand if you want to take it back," he said, talking to Dream while they were doing their makeup before class.
They turned away from the mirror to look at him. One of their eyes was lined with expert strokes in a bright red eyeliner. They hadn't started on the other one yet. Evan still thought they were beautiful. “Like, take back the kiss?”
“Yeah,” Evan said, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. “Or, y’know, asking me out.”
Dream let out a sigh. They looked down at the floor, then back up at Evan. "I haven't been in a real relationship before, either," they finally said.
Evan was shocked. “Really?”
“I mean, I had a couple of online relationships, but…" They trailed off for a second. "Those weren't the same. I didn't see them in person every day."
"Right," Evan said. "Still. More experience than me."
Dream got out of their chair and walked toward Evan. He was proud of himself for not flinching when they reached out and took his face in their hands.
"I don't wanna take anything back," they said, looking him right in the eyes. "I like you just the way you are. And if you don't know how to do this, that's okay, 'cause we can learn together. Okay?"
Evan's eyes were big. "Okay," he whispered back.
Dream leaned in slowly, giving Evan plenty of time to pull away. He didn't. They gave him a quick kiss on the mouth, pulled back, and smiled. "I gotta finish my makeup. I'll see you at breakfast?"
"Yeah," Evan said, face bright red. "I'll see you then."
Dream looked at him for one more second, still smiling, before turning and sitting back down in their chair. They grabbed their eyeliner pen and leaned their elbows on the counter as they got closer to the mirror again. Evan watched them for a few more seconds, then left and headed down to the group's booth in the common room.
After that conversation, Evan was finally able to relax the littlest bit about dating Dream. And once he did, he found that it was a lot easier.
The whole thing was also easier because, as Evan came to find, dating Dream wasn't much different than being friends with her. They still hung out with Sam and Jammer pretty much all the time. The other two kept offering to skip out on things to give Evan and Dream some time alone. But the truth was that Dream and Evan both wanted them to stick around. So, the only two things that really changed were that Dream and Evan now always sat together in the booth, and that occasionally they would kiss.
Evan had his three best friends, and he was dating one of them, and things were almost totally fine.
He should have known that he’d fuck it up for himself somehow.
Thinking crazy thoughts was one thing. Evan did that all the time. You should stab that guy. Set the table on fire. Push her out of the window.
But Evan didn't really want to do those things. They were just thoughts. As ceaseless as they were, he could still dismiss them.
But Evan wanted to hold Sam's hand. He wanted to lean his head on Jammer's shoulder. He wanted to know what it would be like to kiss them, if it was different from kissing Dream, if they’d make him feel like flying the way Dream did.
So those thoughts were harder to ignore. And that made them dangerous.
He couldn’t pinpoint exactly when he started feeling that way. The love for his friends hadn’t lessened in any way as time passed; really, it had only grown, more and more than Evan ever imagined. But the love started to feel different, like it was a different shade now than it was before. Thinking back, Evan realized that it had probably been forming in the back of his mind for months, maybe from the first day he met them. He had gotten used to ignoring things in the back of his brain - it was safer for everyone that way. So, he didn’t know when he started thinking romantic thoughts about his friends. He could, however, pinpoint the exact moment when he realized he was having them.
Dream and Evan were sitting across from each other in a common room booth on an October afternoon. The day was unusually warm, so most students were outside taking in the fresh air.
Dream sipped at her strawberry milkshake with whipped cream and black sprinkles. She was wringing her hands in her lap, which was her obvious tell that she was nervous.
“Thank you for coming,” Dream said primly. Then, she grimaced. “Sorry. That makes it sound like this is a fucking business meeting or something.”
“It’s okay,” Evan said. “Is everything alright?”
“Yeah,” Dream said. “Well, no. Maybe. I don’t know.”
Evan stared at her. “You just gave every possible answer to that question.”
Dream groaned and put their head in their hands. “Can we start over?”
"Yeah,” Evan said. “One second.” Evan slid out of the booth and took a few steps away from the table. Then, he walked back up to the booth and sat down. “Hey, Dream,” he said with a smile that he hoped didn’t look painful. “What did you want to talk to me about?”
Dream was trying to bite back a smile. They took a deep breath in, then out. The smile faded as they tried to prepare themselves. Finally, they blurted, “I like Sam.”
Evan’s vision flashed completely black for a moment. He blinked hard. His voice was high when he spoke. “Sorry?”
“I like Sam,” she said again. She was slouching in her seat. “I thought maybe it was just a friend thing, but I realized it wasn’t and I just - I thought I should tell you. ‘Cause, like, honesty is important and stuff.”
“Okay,” Evan said. He was trying to deal with two nearly unbearable sensations: his heart felt like it was being twisted in his chest from the immediate sadness, and the voices in his brain were starting to get louder as his emotions flared. How dare she? You could make her stay with you. Or you could make sure she would never be with anyone else ever again. With our power -
Fucking let them finish , he told the voices. He put his right hand over his heart and pressed on his chest, trying to untwist it, or calm it down, or something. He swallowed loudly once, then twice. Finally, he could speak. “Do you want me to leave the group?”
Dream’s expertly filled-in eyebrows creased in confusion. “What?”
“Y’know, because you and Sam are going to go out now, and it would be awkward for your ex to be there. I can - well, I honestly don’t know if I could find other friends, but I could at least find other places to be -”
Dream was sitting forward in their seat now, eyes wide and hands waving in front of them. “No, no no no, Evan, that’s not what I -” She huffed out a breath. “I still want to date you.”
Now Evan was confused. “... But you just said you like Sam?”
“Yeah,” she said, “But I can like more than one person at once. I don’t know if I ever did before, but, then again, I never had friends like you before.”
Evan felt his face heat up from the praise, even as his brain was still whirring at full speed to understand the situation. “So. Are we still dating?”
“If you want to,” Dream said, hands finally relaxing and resting on the table. “But I like Sam. And I’m maybe going to ask her out. And she might say yes. And I would want to date her, too. So you would have to, like, be okay with that.”
Evan didn’t say anything for a few seconds. Dream continued. “And I know it’s a lot to process, so you don’t have to answer right away, obviously. We can talk about it whenever you’re -”
“Okay,” Evan interrupted.
Dream froze mid-sentence. “Okay?”
Evan nodded. “Yeah. I’m okay with that. I mean, Sam is - Sam is great, and I think you guys would make a great couple. But if you’d still wanna be with me, and she would be okay with it, then I still want that.” Dream stared at him. Evan faltered. “I mean, that’s cool, right?”
Dream kept staring at him. “Can I hug you,” she said in a flat tone. Evan realized that she was buzzing from some kind of pent-up energy.
As soon as the word “Sure” came out of Evan’s mouth, Dream was launching herself out of her seat and sliding in next to Evan, throwing her arms around him. He still wasn’t totally used to being hugged, but he tried to move his arms in a less awkward position. The white lace on Dream’s sleeves was scratchy against his arm. Their long hair was tickling his nose. When they spoke, they didn’t move her head from where it was buried in Evan’s chest, so he felt it more than he heard it. “Thank you.”
“Yeah, of course,” Evan said. After a moment’s hesitation, he brought one hand down on top of Dream’s head and started to gently pet their hair. They made a happy noise and held on even tighter.
And as he was sitting there, holding his partner, a thought flashed in Evan’s mind: Wow, I’m kind of jealous.
It was all downhill from there.
Once he noticed that he liked Sam, he couldn’t un-notice it. When he thought about the way she’d easily talked down the blood cobra on the first day of school, he felt the standard wave of gratitude, but he started getting butterflies in his stomach. Literally. Anytime Sam did something nice for him, or complimented him, or sometimes even just smiled in his vicinity, Evan would painfully hack up a moth or two. They were black and gray with four antennae, and they had to be killed right away or they would start sucking all of the light out of the room.
Evan was trying his best to get that shit under control. It got a little better, once Dream and Sam started going out. They’d hold hands in the hallways and cuddle on couches in the common room, and they never minded if Evan joined them. It always felt nice to be included - Evan didn’t think he’d ever get used to that rush - but it made his stomach twist in an especially painful-pleasant way when Sam threw her arm over Dream’s shoulders and her hand brushed against Evan’s shoulder.
The rational part of Evan’s brain knew that, if he told Dream that he liked Sam too, it would probably be fine. If Dream could date multiple people at once, he should also be allowed, right?
But, Evan noted, the rational part of his brain also told him that he was probably just suffering from severe schizophrenia for most of his life. So Evan didn’t entirely know how much that part of himself could be trusted.
Evan and Dream were lying on her bed one night, Dream scrolling through their phone and Evan resting his head on the pillow next to them. He was just about to fall asleep when Dream said, “Y’know, if you want to date somebody else, you can.”
Evan jolted wide awake and shot up in Dream’s bed. Dream jumped a little, startled by his sudden movement. Evan felt like he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t. His voice came out much more panicked and guilty than he wanted it to. “Thanks, but - uh - I don’t - why would you say that?”
Dream’s eyes were wide and her hands were thrown up in surrender. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you, I just -”
“No, no, it’s fine, you didn’t upset me,” Evan said quickly, “I just don’t know where that came from - like, do you think I did something?”
“No,” Dream said, “I don’t think you did something. I was just saying because, like, we didn’t establish it when we had the original conversation about it. And -” She paused for a second. “Nevermind.”
Evan’s heart was pounding less forcefully in his chest, but only slightly. “And what?”
Dream hesitated before finishing her sentence. “And… I dunno, I just… I’ve seen the way you look at Jammer, y’know?”
Evan felt his face contort with confusion. “Jammer?”
“Yeah,” Dream says. “I mean, I could totally be wrong, but, like, you kinda get heart-eyes for him sometimes.”
“Like when?”
“Like, when Digsby and Tallulah cornered you in the hallway last week, and Jammer came up, and he was all like, ‘Hey, don’t forget that we can curb-stomp your private-school asses,’ and he, like, rescued you.”
Evan’s mouth was pressed into a flat line. “Okay. Maybe you have a point.”
Dream grinned. “Yeah, I thought so.” They stretched her arms above her head and set their phone down on their nightstand. “Anyway. Sorry to freak you out. Just wanted to let you know.”
“It’s okay. I appreciate you saying that,” Evan said.
Dream looked at him. “You wanna sleep here?”
Evan’s eyes widened. “Is that -”
“Yes, it’s okay,” Dream said. “I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t want you to.”
“Okay,” Evan said cautiously. He got under the covers - black with red hearts.
Dream turned off the lamp on her bedside table. “Goodnight, Evan,” she said quietly, kissing him on the temple before settling down on her side of the bed.
It wasn’t long before Dream broke the silence. “Hey, Evan,” they whispered. “You awake?”
“Yes,” Evan whispered back. “It’s been, like, two minutes.”
“Are you gonna ask Jammer out?”
Evan could feel his face grow hot. He was glad the light was off. “Um - I don’t know?”
“You should,” Dream said. “Sam thinks he’d say yes.”
Evan’s whisper was a little louder and more indignant than before. “You talked to Sam about this?”
“Well, yeah,” Dream said. “She is my girlfriend.”
“Oh my god,” Evan said, covering his face with his hands and succumbing to the familiar feeling of mild misery.
“Goodnight, Evan,” Dream said again. A few minutes later, her breathing evened out.
Evan didn’t fall asleep for a long time.
Almost a week later, Jammer and Evan were running drills on the scuppers field. Dream and Sam didn’t go; Sam was filming a Q+A video about her “cool new private school” and Dream was acting as her cameraman.
“That’s alright,” Jammer said when Evan explained the situation to him. “We can practice with just us. And then when they show up next time, we’ll kick their asses.”
Evan smiled. Jammer was one of the only people who could get him to smile in a way that wasn’t painful. “Hell yeah, dude.”
Jammer threw one leg over his broom and glanced over at Evan with a smirk. “Race you around the field?”
“Fuck yeah,” Evan said, jumping on his broom, and the two of them took off.
After an hour or so of Jammer trying to score on Evan and Evan playing goalie, followed by some rounds of running drills on the ground, Evan and Jammer collapsed on the grass of the field. The sun was starting to set, but Evan couldn’t feel the cold through how sweaty he’d gotten during practice. Jammer looked to be in the same position; they both seemed to sink into the grass, cold and fresh on their necks and under their bodies.
“Good hustle out there, Kelmp,” Jammer said, looking over at Evan and grinning.
“Thanks, man,” Evan said. “I’ve said it before, but this is the only kind of magic that makes me feel good, so. I try as much as I can.”
“That’s good,” Jammer said. “I’m glad you’ve found something here that you really like.”
“I like you, too,” Evan blurted. He immediately backtracked. “I mean - I meant to say - I like you, meaning our friend group, also including Sam and Dream, of course, not, like, you specifically.”
Jammer had an amused half-smirk on his face as he watched Evan fumbling his words. “Well, that’s good,” he said, “‘Cause we like you too.” The half-smirk turned into a full grin as he rolled onto his side to face Evan. “Which, speaking of… how’s that whole thing going?”
“What do you mean?”
Jammer gestured vaguely with his pointer finger. “Y’know. The you-Dream-Sam situation.”
“Oh,” Evan said, his face instantly flushing. “Um, good. I think. I mean - yeah. It’s good.”
Jammer opened his mouth to say something, then closed it, then opened it again. “Can I ask you a question?”
Evan’s body tensed up on instinct. “Sure.”
“Are you - are you and Sam, like, dating? Or is it just her and Dream? It’s confusing to me, ‘cause I’m on the outside, but I don’t wanna pry, y’know.”
Evan felt a bit of relief when he heard the question and realized it was something he could answer with confidence. He copied Jammer and rolled onto his side to face him. “Oh, okay. I don’t - I don’t know what I thought you were gonna ask, but that’s fine. Um, no, I’m not dating Sam, that’s, uh - Dream and Sam have their thing, and then me and Dream are dating.”
Jammer raised his eyebrows. “Now, Kelmp, I’m no expert, but…” He poked Evan lightly in the shoulder. “Kinda sounds like you might like Sam.”
“What - no, I wouldn’t - I don’t -”
Jammer started laughing, not unkindly, and Evan stopped frantically searching for a defense. “It’s okay,” Jammer said. “Sam’s awesome. I get it. I might’ve asked her out, if Dream hadn’t beaten me to it.”
Evan’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh?”
“Yeah,” Jammer said, waving it off, trying to sound casual. “I mean, it’s no big deal, no hard feelings or whatever.”
“You could still ask her out, though,” Evan said. “I mean, she’s cool with Dream dating me, so maybe she’d be okay with seeing more people, too?”
Jammer made an indecisive noise. “Ah, I don’t know about that. I don’t wanna mess anything up that they’ve got going on.”
Evan looked at Jammer intently, one hand gesturing to himself. “That’s why I haven’t said anything, either.”
Jammer huffed out a laugh. His breath was visible in the air in front of his face. “But you’re part of it, right? Kinda? You’ve got, y’know, a foot in the door.”
Evan replied without thinking. “You could be part of it, too.”
Jammer’s easy-going attitude was instantly dispelled, his face turning serious. “What?”
Evan felt the panic take hold of his chest again. He was so focused on trying to breathe normally that he was having trouble finding the right words. “I mean - you just - I think - you know you’re - uh -”
“Kelmp,” Jammer said, putting his weight on his elbow and leaning toward Evan. “Do you like me?”
Evan’s face felt like it was going to catch on fire at any second. That had actually happened, once, but he was too focused on Jammer to worry about that. He’d been caught out. He said something stupid, and now Jammer was going to think he was weird, and maybe want to stop talking to him. But, he cared about Jammer. And before everything came crashing down, Evan thought he owed it to him to be honest.
So, after a moment’s hesitation, Evan nodded. He took a deep breath, then started to speak. “Whitney -”
“Aw, don’t call me that shit,” Jammer said, and then he kissed Evan on the mouth.
Evan made a muffled sound of surprise, but only hesitated for a second before he started kissing back.
When they got back to the main castle, they had to stop by Nurse Stichnit's office and make sure they hadn’t gotten hypothermia from staying outside for so long.
After that, it all happened kind of fast. Evan told Dream that he and Jammer were seeing each other, and then Jammer told Sam he liked her, and then Sam kissed Evan in the astronomy tower.
“It’s just - I don’t know. It’s weird, but not in a bad way,” Evan said, when he and Sam were still up in the tower. They were sitting side by side, backs leaned against the stone wall. “It’s like, I never had friends before I met you guys. And now we’re all - well, we’re something else. And part of me kind of wonders… whether or not I always wanted this, or if I just wanted the friendship to, like, get stronger, and this was how to do that. Does that make sense?”
Sam nodded. “Yeah, it does.” Her hand was resting on his. She thought for a few moments before she continued. “Maybe you meet somebody and it's more than one thing,” She said. “Maybe some people are so right for each other that it's outside of any other kind of relationship.” She looked right at him, her big brown eyes shining in the starlight. “So maybe we're friends, or we're friends that kiss, or we're dating. Or maybe none of that even matters, because the truth is that we're just meant for each other. All of us.” She tilted her head slightly at him and smiled. "Y’know?”
“Yeah,” Evan said. His smile was so painless, he almost didn’t notice it. “Yeah, I do know.”
The four of them still acted the same, for the most part. They wore matching pony-bead bracelets that Dream made for everyone. Before every scuppers match, Sam gave each of them a good-luck kiss on the cheek. All of them had stolen at least one of Jammer’s jerseys, and one time they all accidentally wore theirs on the same day. When they walked through the hallways, Evan was almost always holding at least one other person’s hand.
Penfrew squinted at the four of them sitting together in the great hall. "Is it just me, or are the pilot students, like… even weirder now?"
Axelby glanced over at them, looked back at Penfrew, and shrugged. "I dunno. Probably just an American thing."
Late at night, when everyone else was asleep, Evan scrolled through the pictures on his camera. Sam and Jammer in the common room booth, laughing so hard they couldn’t breathe. Dream posing on a set of marble stairs in a dramatic, stunning outfit. The Chimeron scuppers team, all in their uniforms, standing in a line with their arms wrapped around each other. Sam getting a kiss from Dream on one cheek and a kiss from Jammer on the other. Jammer’s awkward thumbs up as he stood beside his miserable attempt at braiding Dream’s hair. Sam casting a spell in class, her smile almost as radiant as the streaks of light coming from her wand. The four of them sitting on a blanket in the grass on the castle lawn, holding hands and smiling. Evan didn’t even look awkward in that one - concrete proof that magic exists.
The light from the camera screen caught on his watch and made it glint. He looked down at the date, written in smaller numbers below the time.
His appointment was in a week.
Evan sighed. He turned the camera off and put it under his pillow so nobody would steal it. He wondered if they would take it away from him when they wiped his memory. They probably would, if they knew about it. Evan hoped they didn’t.
His last thought before falling asleep was that, if he looked at the pictures after he was sent back to the real world, he wouldn't recognize the faces. But, at least, he would know that he had been loved.