Work Text:
Monday started out as a good day.
Josh closed the door behind him, straightened his tie and strutted -- yes, that was a positive on the strut, Josh Lyman was a man of victory, a man of action, a man of strut -- towards his office, grinning and nodding to the interns as he went. "I am the best," he said in greeting to Bonnie, who rolled her eyes. "Victory is mine!" he relayed to Ginger, who smiled weakly. "Let it ring through the lands that I am a god and shall await my mead and virgin sacrifices."
Donna was waiting for him outside his office.
"Josh," she greeted him evenly, hurrying to meet him and walk by his side. Josh groaned audibly as they made their way down the halls, her following his lead like some strange dance. Except that Josh didn't have a place to go. This was merely his victory lap. She handed over a stack of messages. "Did you get it?"
"Let me think," Josh drew the words out, flipping through the messages and skirting around busy assistants. "I believe that the ale of victory is being delivered to my office as we speak." He checked his watch. "And I have an appointment to romp through some golden fields in, like, an hour."
"Josh, don't say romp," Donna replied, wrinkling her nose. "You got Congressman Gray to vote yes?"
"He's swinging our way," Josh placed an arm on the small of her back, guiding her past a group of tourists in the lobby. They looped their way around and made it back to Josh's office, where he sat and kicked his feet up. "He has listened to my masterful and persuasive argument and is going to be proclaiming the virtues of our education bill. With him, of course, comes the attractive side-package of an additional six yes votes, all influenced by Congressman Gray's y, e, and, oh yeah... the s."
"Congratulations," Donna mumbled, taking the guest's chair for herself and resting her notepad in her lap, her posture perfect. Josh narrowed his eyes and glared at her. She rolled her eyes. "Josh, what are you doing?"
"That was so not sincere," he countered.
She shrugged.
The sun was bright on the back of Josh's neck, filling him with warmth and making the grin on his face just a little bit wider. It really was shaping up to be great day. He put his feet down and leaned forward on his elbows, cocking his head to the side. "Donna, did I not just win this bill for us?"
Donna gave an innocent shrug, wincing slightly as her shoulders fell gracefully in the denouement. "I'm just saying, Josh, be happy, but..."
"But you're going to ruin my mood," Josh cut her off quickly, pushing himself back to relax in his chair. He raised an eyebrow and received a patented Listen To Me look, Donna Moss™, that made him groan and whine out a petulant, "Donna!"
"You should take into consideration all the other things that are going on!" she protested.
"Okay," Josh nodded after a beat. "I am taking things into consideration while I enjoy my good mood," he countered with a smug grin.
"I don't think you can do that."
Like clockwork, she was. Josh groaned to himself in frustration, but he wasn't about to let her see that she was chipping at his armor. "Try me," he challenged, knowing that in a moment, he was going to be reduced to name-calling and possible hair pulling. He gathered a few reports and got up, tired of sitting. She joined him, nearly at the hip, as he made his way through the halls.
"Well, according to Ginger, there's something Toby is writing that's made his mood dark enough to cloud the whole Eastern coast..."
"Remarks for the fundraiser Everett is throwing for us. I know," he replied with a knowing nod of his head.
"And C.J. has been seeing reporters so quickly, it's like her office is a revolving door," Donna commented, spinning her index finger in a circle.
"Getting quotes regarding the new economic policy we just unveiled."
"Would that be the one including a secret plan regarding inflation?" she smirked.
Josh did his best to look wounded as he whined -- hoping it might strike up some chord of sympathy within Donna. "I'm taking you less and less into consideration, you know."
She tossed that off with a shrug. "It happens. Leo is being Leo, and Sam is doing the thing where he locks himself into his office, but he isn't actually writing anything."
Josh paused for a moment before turning on his heel and changing directions. Donna swiveled and hustled to catch up to him as they began to head towards the communications bullpen. Josh tapped his pencil against the messages as they weaved through the halls.
"Sam will appreciate my victory," he finally said, coming to a stop outside Sam's office. To Donna's credit, the door was indeed closed and possibly locked.
"I appreciate it!" she remarked defensively.
"You just won't let me have my mood," he retorted.
"You're somewhat less than infectious."
Josh shook his head, making small chastising sounds with his tongue. "See?" he leaned forward while Donna did the same, making it seem like he was about to confide some great state secret -- which was totally assuming he knew any good ones. "Consideration for you right now...?"
"Out the window?" Donna replied with an affected and mocking sigh.
Josh didn't miss a beat. "You're a bright girl, Donnatella Moss. Now go. Sam and I need to celebrate my victory as men do."
"Just don't drink anything in manly celebration unless Sam's promised to drive you home and put up with your drunken rants and that thing you do where you snore while you're still awake," she said, wrinkling her nose.
"I do not do that," Josh protested.
Donna gave him a smirk as she walked away. "You really do."
Josh waited a moment, nodding his head to a silent beat before pivoting on the ball of his foot and pushing open Sam's door, which, thankfully for Josh, wasn't locked. He could only imagine the embarrassment he'd suffer at the hands of the junior staffers if he'd gone face first into a door, not to mention the cracks Toby would make at his expense. Sam was on the phone, nodding and saying something along the lines of, "Of course. I'll do everything I can. I'll call you in a few hours to see if anything's changed." He paused and looked up, briefly acknowledging Josh with a weak smile. "You too," he remarked into the phone before hanging up, staring into space.
Sam was frowning and there was a furrow of the brow that would become a permanent wrinkle one day, Josh decided. Of course, because this was Sam Seaborn, gift of the gods and lucky bastard to be so dashing, it would be a day in the far future when wrinkles decided to touch the skin of such godly gifts. Josh was only slightly jealous.
"Sam, Sam the man," Josh broke the reverie, grinning broadly, his words quick and deliriously happy, "I gotta say, you're not exactly looking like you're going to herald my victory. In fact, you look like I stepped on your cat, ran over your dog and made fun of your haircut. And really, you don't have any pets, although the hair..."
"It's my father," Sam cut him off, speaking quietly, but it had enough power to it to shut Josh up. "Something happened with the family papers, they need me to sort it out."
He rubbed at his eyes, and Josh sat down in the chair to scrutinize him. He looked worn, tired -- although, there were rumours that Sam and C.J. had gone out for drinks the night before, outlasting Toby at the bar by at least a good two hours, which would account for the bags under his eyes -- and lost. Wait a second here, Josh stopped and went back in his thought process, that's not right. Sam looked lost.
Something was definitely not right here.
"Your father?" Josh asked warily. "Is everything okay?"
Sam looked like he was collecting his thoughts to answer when Cathy poked her head in the office tentatively, knocking on the door. She looked apologetic and almost... afraid, Josh noticed. Although, if Sam had indeed closed his door without reason, a long list of terrible things could have been going on.
"You have staff in five," she said and closed the door behind her. Sam rose, grabbing notebooks and Josh did the same.
"We have staff," Sam repeated.
"You okay?" Josh asked, studying Sam again.
Sam nodded quickly and grabbed a pen. "Yeah!" he enthused. "No, yeah... I'll be fine," he added swiftly and raised an eyebrow, heading around his desk. "We have staff," he said once more.
"I forgot the reports," Josh frowned, patting his person and coming up with nothing. He opened the door for Sam. "Tell Leo I'll be there in a minute, I just have to swing by my office," he said as he began to hustle back to his office, shouting out "Donna!" as soon as the door to his office was in sight. He got no response. "Donna!" he shouted a little louder.
She leaned out of his office, the upper portion of her body showing.
"Yes, Josh?" she inquired sweetly.
"I need the reports!"
"And the magic word?" she asked, holding out a thin stack of papers encased by blue bindings. She stepped out and stood in the doorway, facing down Josh.
"Donna!" Josh nearly wailed. She rolled her eyes and handed him the reports while shaking her head. "Thank you," he said with a triumphant edge to his words. She pushed past him to sit at her desk.
"You have staff," she lightly reminded him, sitting down. She turned back and raised her eyebrows. Josh considered snapping something back at her, but at the last minute, bit his tongue and made his way towards Leo's office. He lingered in the doorway, making his way into the room as Leo finished his sentence.
"...so if we do it that way, there shouldn't be any problems. Josh, good," Leo finished, looking and seeing Josh, giving a barely-there nod. Josh nodded back and stood over the chair Sam was sitting in, leaning down heavily on it.
"I'm straining to hear, but the applause for my victory sounds both minimal and quiet," Josh said after a moment, earning an eye roll from Toby, a wide smile from C.J., poker face from Leo, and... and nothing from Sam. Josh really didn't like this.
"Congratulations," C.J. mouthed.
"Which means we're halfway there," Leo commented. "C.J., nothing to the press yet, not until we've got this one in the hole. Keep them focused on the economic stuff, show them the ropes about how much they're gonna like our plan to lower inflation and keep the unemployment rate down and make sure to put a note in about how salaries won't dip as a result. We're also not headed for a recessionary period in the business cycle; I don't want to see that in the paper. Toby, you've still got those remarks..."
"Leo, if you could just convince the President to avoid blatant improvisation. One need only recall the disaster we had with the Women's League of Virginia."
"I'm with Toby on this one," C.J. piped up. "There's only so many times Sam's good looks and charm can do damage control for a joke gone bad."
"He tripped and half the women started fawning over how to take care of him," Josh commented evenly, crossing his arms. "I can do that."
"You wouldn't get the attention Sam did," C.J. replied, a challenging glint to her eye. Sam, for his part, didn't say anything. Josh was beginning to worry that something had gone terribly wrong out in California.
"Write the remarks, and make them nice," Leo commanded, glaring at Toby. "We don't need any more enemies this week. Josh, you've got Congressman Kane for lunch two days from..."
"Wait, I've got Kane?" Josh frowned. "Wasn't that Sam's meeting?"
"It was, and now it's yours," Leo nodded, replying swiftly. "Sam, you've got three days out there, but I expect a draft of the speech for the unveiling of this bill..."
"Whoa, hey," Josh interrupted, a confused look on his face. He laughed awkwardly. "Three days out where?"
Sam angled his head upwards to talk to Josh.
"California."
"Yeah, coastal state. There's a lot of people that hate me there," Josh replied. "The thing with your father, you really need to go...?" Josh trailed off, realizing that he was whining.
"It's only three days. He'll behave," Leo answered for Sam and made a disinterested gesture with his hand. "Go. Run the country, would you?"
C.J. and Toby left first, with Sam trailing after them. Josh gave the chair a dull hit before moving up to Leo's desk, clearing his throat and trying to best make his presence known. He absently tapped his fingers on the desk until Leo looked up from his papers.
"What?" he snapped.
"Why have I got Kane?" Josh replied immediately. "I mean, we talked about this for weeks, and we agreed that Sam was the proponent. He's got a whole file of speeches about the benefits of education in his head, all memorized and ready to go."
"Sam needs to go to California," Leo said logically -- damn Leo anyhow, Josh snapped internally. Logic and Josh Lyman just don't mix, and he should know that by now. "You've got the meeting. Ask Sam for his notes, you'll do fine. Just give him the good old Lyman charm."
"Uh, Leo...?" Josh started warily, furrowing his brow.
"Get Sam's notes, and don't screw this one up," Leo deadpanned. "Are those for me?" he nodded to the folders in Josh's hands and took them when Josh proffered them slightly, busy thinking about the situation at hand -- less thinking, and more panicking really. The meeting was two days away, and Josh had barely any idea what to say to a Congressman who was likely upset that Gray was voting yes.
"You think this thing with Sam is serious?" Josh asked hesitantly, slowly drifting to the door. He stuck his hands in his pockets and swayed on his feet slightly. "I mean, he said it was just some sorting..."
Leo looked up and gave a passive shrug.
"Yeah. You're right," Josh nodded, turning slightly to the door. "Shouldn't worry."
"Josh," Leo called out warningly.
"Yeah, I won't screw it up," Josh replied, waving a hand as he left the office. He smiled at Margaret before heading straight to Sam's office -- where the door was closed again. Weird.
He pushed the door open and leaned against the frame. Sam was typing away on the laptop.
"You busy?" Josh asked. When Sam looked up and waved him in, Josh pushed himself off the door and closed it behind him. He sat down across from Sam and waited until he hit a break in typing. "Sam..."
"Kane won't be happy. He's gonna hear about your victory with Gray and he's not going to like it one bit," Sam started right in, sounding emphatic. "It doesn't mean you can't win. He's going to try and find ammo to hit us with, but you should be equipped to deal. He'll try to hit the values of the White House, in terms of ethics. He might bring up Laurie," Sam paused as realization flickered over his face. He frowned. "Huh. I hadn't thought of that," he murmured aloud.
"Sam..."
"But if he does, C.J.'s got a statement on that. If he doesn't start trumpeting about ethical values then he's going to try and convince you that the money is best spent elsewhere. Defense, most likely. My bet is that he comes at you from the ethical road, though. Something along the lines of, 'what kind of example is the senior staff presenting when should be role models for the children of the future and those kinds of things.'"
"Sam!"
Sam faltered and stopped talking. He closed his eyes tightly and when he opened them, he looked at Josh -- his gaze lingering and making the entire moment shift into something very personal, very different from the business mode they had just been in. Josh simply let himself be stared at, knowing that it was just one of those moments.
"Is everything okay?" Josh asked quietly.
Sam finally stopped to look him in the eye. The blank exterior melted and fell away and there was Sam again. Josh wanted to breathe a sigh of relief. He nodded. "It's a contract issue. Nothing desperate, but it's still serious enough that they want me out there. If things go badly, the house could go up for foreclosure, and a lot of family heirlooms could get lost to second cousins and distant relatives. I think it has something to do with my grandfather's will. They're finally dealing with it."
"You'll be fine out there on your own?"
"What," Sam scoffed with a touched smile on his face. "Are you volunteering to come with me? Josh, I know you don't want to take the meeting, but that's going just a bit out of the way..."
"Nothing's too far out of the way," Josh corrected him. "You've got a thing, don't you?" He tapped his watch as Sam got up, gathering papers as he went. Sam nodded to confirm, and found a folder, passing it off to Josh as he rounded the desk, bumping his hip into the chair and wincing slightly. Sam rested one hand firmly on Josh's shoulder as his other flew to his hip to instinctively clutch it. Josh chuckled quietly. "You're a klutz. I hate to say it, buddy, but you really are," Josh said affectionately. Sam grinned and looked down at Josh, not quite moving his hand just yet. He brushed his thumb against Josh's shoulder, and for a minute, Josh let himself get lost in the feeling before shaking himself out of it.
Sam seemed to do the same, as he stood up and relinquished his hold on Josh. He held out a folder.
"Prep stuff," Sam told him. "For the meeting, you know... just in case."
"When's your flight?" Josh stood up and walked with Sam out into the hall.
"Ginger booked me on something tonight, so I'll be back three days from today," Sam said, stopping at Toby's door. "I've got to talk to Toby before I see the speechwriters. He's either going to give me permission to scold them, or he's going to take his anger out on me in the hopes I transfer some mild irritation to them."
"Yeah, how are the remarks going?" Josh recalled.
Sam grimaced. "It's better for the world if you just don't ask."
Josh clapped a hand on Sam's shoulder, and turned to head off.
"I'm in meetings all day," he pointed to Sam as he walked backwards. "Have a good flight! Don't do anything that you know... Toby wouldn't do out there and we should avoid national disaster."
"You'll read the notes?"
"I'll read 'em twice, and I don't just mean I'll make Donna read them twice and give me a memo. I swear!" He tapped the folders as he headed around the corner and made his way to the office, leaving all thoughts of the education bill, Sam, and California behind him for the moment as he closed himself in the Mural Room and introduced himself to the delegates for the something-or-other from Maine.
Tuesday came and went without much happening. Josh had to step in on a disturbance that involved Toby versus Ed and Larry that just might have resulted in permanent bodily damage by way of highlighter. He'd also dealt with a paranoid C.J. worrying because a reporter made a veiled comment in regards to her posture, and he survived the President going off on a tangent about the many tourism-related facts about California.
It was just a normal day.
Wednesday was the day of the meeting, and marked Sam's midpoint in California. Josh was getting twitchy waiting for him to return and act as the foil in his numerous plots and screw-ups.
And yet, at that moment in time, Josh had to focus on getting past the meeting. He, of course, was focusing on getting out alive and without the blood of a Congressman on his hands, but sometimes that was just too much to ask.
He groaned quietly as he sat down in the boardroom at Capitol Hill, waiting for the Congressman. It was near impossible to hate Sam for anything, but if such a hate were possible, Josh would definitely be filing a grudge in his file for thrusting this meeting, this colossal waste of time, on him. With Gray under his belt, Kane had to vote yes or else he'd suffer a massive inquisition as to why he was opposed, which his office didn't want. Josh was about to order a drink when Kane arrived. He stood and shook his hand before they both sat down.
"Sam Seaborn couldn't make it due to a personal conflict," Josh informed him apologetically. "So I'm the contact until he gets back. I'm Josh..."
"I know who you are," Congressman Kane replied tiredly. He was scrutinizing Josh's face, putting Josh on edge. He swallowed hard while trying to keep a smile plastered on his face. "And I've got to say to begin with, I'm not pleased with the sheer lack of professionalism from the White House in the course of..."
"Sam had a personal conflict," Josh cut in, terser than before. "He didn't exactly have it planned and confirmed in his datebook. Look, we're willing to work with you, and I gotta say... you should be willing to work with us!"
"The likes of you..." he muttered, and Josh knew something wasn't right here. He felt a flicker of the irrational desire to hurt this man go through him.
"Whoa," Josh laughed wildly, feeling outraged. "Excuse me?"
"Sam Seaborn."
And if that wasn't out of nowhere. Josh furrowed his brow before jumping right back into the swing of things.
"Leo McGarry. C.J. Cregg," Josh spat back, his back tensing up as he prepared himself for a battle. "Your turn. You say Toby's name, or else he gets upset. Being left out and all."
"I'm not in the mood for jokes, Josh," the Congressman glared him down and spoke in a quiet, cutting tone. Josh raised an eyebrow, wanting to grin at the sheer ludicrous nature to the conversation. "We're both here on business, and I'm sure we're both perfectly capable..."
"Of respectable behavior?" Josh cut in. "Because that comment of yours from oh, about a minute ago wasn't very business-like to me, not to mention sorely lacking of maturity."
The Congressman settled back in his chair, his briefcase atop his plate and a very threatening air to him. He narrowed his eyes, and spoke slower this time. "Sam Seaborn." He didn't even blink as he stared down Josh, who was beginning to think this whole meeting was a very bad idea.
"You know, I hear if you say his name one more time, spin around, and look in the mirror, he appears!" Josh leaned forward and confided. He ran a hand through his hair as he relaxed in his seat. "Seriously, Congressman, I'm here on business."
"A reporter from the Washington Post gave me something very interesting regarding Sam Seaborn," Congressman Kane began, digging through his briefcase and unsheathing a few papers. He put on a pair of glasses and squinted to read the text. "Apparently, my source overhead Sam and C.J. at a bar the other night."
Josh felt his pulse quicken and he frowned. This wasn't over Laurie, but it sounded like it had the potential to become something much worse. He kicked himself for not asking what had happened at the bar that night.
"Is this... was there..."
"It's an advance copy, Josh," Congressman Kane added acidly -- and Josh knew that it was information forfeited very begrudgingly. "You have very little time to do your precious damage control at this point."
"It can't be that bad," Josh laughed.
"Your administration is leaning a little too far to the left for my likings," the Congressman went on quietly. "This quote is just the tip of the iceberg."
"What," Josh snapped, "quote?"
He shuffled through the pages of the paper. "The quote my source is working with was overheard..."
"This is gossip," Josh coolly interjected.
"...at the bar in no quiet terms. Mr. Sam Seaborn is quoted as saying of one Josh Lyman, I am assuming it's you barring anyone else in Sam's life with the same name, 'Our relationship changed. It changed a long time ago. The door never closed though, and if the option was open to me then I wouldn't hesitate to pursue it.'"
Josh felt like he'd been punched in the gut.
"I'll vote yes on this bill. I have to at this point, and we both know it. But I swear to you that if I don't see some sort of shift in the ideology of the White House in regards to this situation with Seaborn, I guarantee you that I will seek political retribution," Congressman Kane went on. "Liberal is one thing. But this... you're right Josh. This is gossip. I expect better of the Senior Staff. We're going to see a tawdry article in the paper when this should have been a formal and concise press release that could have been forgotten in a news cycle. If Sam has," he made quotation marks, "'interests' in pursuing you in a romantic fashion, he should not have let it slip at a public bar."
"Congressman," Josh started when he found his voice. It sounded weary and shocked. "I assure you, this is the first I've heard of any..."
"C.J. knew. She was there. She was the one Sam was talking to."
Josh clicked his jaw once and sat frozen as Congressman Kane got up. He listlessly shook the Congressman's hand and focused on not losing it. The last thing they needed was more of a mess -- and oh, Josh was trying very, very hard to avoid one at the moment.
"Congressman..."
"Josh. When Bartlet was sworn into office, we didn't expect pride parades, we didn't expect anything from too far left, but it seems to be coming down that road. What's next? Shifts in domestic and foreign policy? Cuts in the budget the far left would approve of? This is just the start of a whole new world that I, and several others do not approve of, Josh," the Congressman shook his head, his words disgusted.
"Yeah, whatever," Josh muttered to himself, his gaze on the paper in the Congressman's hands.
"I'd say it was a pleasure, but I don't go in for lies with fellow liars," the Congressman offered as his parting words. He tossed the advance copy down on the table before walking away briskly. Josh tilted his head to the side and winced. He picked up his backpack from under the table, grabbed the paper with a death grip, dropped a pile off crumpled bills and walked straight out of the restaurant, his mind focused on getting back to C.J. and demanding an explanation.
"C.J.!" Josh bellowed the minute he got through the lobby. "All hell has broken loose in my life and you are nowhere to be found! Where the hell are you?" he shouted at the closed door to her office.
"She's in her office," Carol told him.
"I need her," Josh said tightly.
"Go on in," Carol waved him off. Josh proceeded to push into C.J.'s office and slammed the door shut behind him, causing C.J. to jump slightly at the sound. Josh scowled in the doorway, still clinging to the paper as though it were a lifeline.
"Josh, what the hell is going on?" C.J. demanded.
"We," Josh laughed wildly, feeling out of control. He threw the paper down on her desk and dropped his bag on the floor at his feet. "We have an issue, and I am going to hear absolutely no end about this. You didn't tell me that I was a topic at the bar the other night!"
C.J. looked shocked, that was the only word. She furrowed her brow, took off her glasses and began to open and close her mouth, formulating a response. She settled on picking up the paper and looking at the article on page three, circled in red ink.
"Josh, what is this?"
Josh clenched his jaw before closing his eyes and quoting from memory, "Our relationship changed. It changed a long time ago. The door never closed though, and if the option was open to me then I wouldn't hesitate to pursue it. Pop quiz, Ceej. Were those, or were those not the words of Sam Seaborn at a Georgetown bar a few nights ago?"
"Josh, I..."
"Were they, or were they not!"
C.J. took a moment to quickly scan the article, frowning. She pressed two fingers to her lips before looking up at Josh and folding the paper shut.
"They were."
"What do we do?" Josh exhaled the words, frowning.
"I come up with a statement for the press, I talk to Sam when he gets in tomorrow," she replied with a careless shrug. "It's that simple."
"Yeah," Josh frowned. "That simple."
She studied him for a minute, narrowing her eyes.
"You look like you got some thoughts in your head there, Joshua," she commented, opening the paper to the article again. "So, come on, fess up. Are you going to make my life harder with any of those ruminations?"
"I think it's too early to tell," Josh confessed, leaning forward with his elbows on her desk. "I just... I uh, I need to think some things through. Because... because Sam really did say that about us." He grabbed his bag and stood up straight, slowly drifting out of her office.
"Josh," C.J. called out, stopping him in his steps. He turned around and raised an eyebrow. "Don't do what you think is best for the President, or the country. Just this once, for a change, think about what's best for you."
"Careful Claudia Jean," Josh warned with a playful smile on his face. It felt weary just to have it on display. "That kind of talk will get you a scandal."
"I don't plan on repeating it," C.J. said knowingly. "After working with the same people and under the same people for a plethora of months now, I have the fear of Leo etched in me and know too well the scorn of Toby."
"You're a smart woman, Ceej," Josh remarked with a small smile as he turned in the door. "Call me when you've got a statement, I'll go over it with you." She nodded, and he took that as his leave, heading for his office and closing the door behind him, immediately sitting down in his chair, and hitting his forehead on his desk four or five times, giving a frustrated groan.
Wednesday was not a good day.
Thursday morning came about too quickly in Josh's opinion. He got something like three hours of sleep, tossing and turning and being generally bothered by the day he'd had and riddled with thoughts that wouldn't go away, mainly thoughts about a subject that rhymed with 'camage dontrol'. He and C.J. had gone over their statement for about an hour before giving up until Sam got back and could give his input.
And Sam was due back in town.
Josh made it into the office and heard from Donna that Sam was back in the office, having gone straight from the airport to the West Wing. Apparently, Sam and Toby were verbally sparring over something or other, according to Donna. Josh, however, was on a mission to talk to Leo and give him a heads-up on the situation, because this was 'your mess, and your funeral' according to C.J. and he wasn't going to get around telling the whole sordid story to el jefe.
Leo was on the phone when Josh got to his office. There was a copy of the paper -- no longer an advanced copy, which made Josh just start to sweat and wonder if Sam had read the paper for the day yet -- and Josh looked at it with deep anxiety finding its roots in him while Leo was angry with the person on the phone.
Josh hung around Leo's door, wringing his hands and feeling like the kid who'd just broken a neighbor's window with his baseball and was awaiting his scolding. Leo hung up the phone and beckoned him in, the seemingly permanent scowl seeming angrier than ever.
"Leo, before you say anything..."
"Oh, no, Josh," Leo cut him off in clipped tones. "I get the first say in this mess. First of all, where do you get off not telling anyone about this history? I don't care that I didn't know, but C.J. had no details. She was ill-equipped to deal. That's not how we do things around here."
"I assumed it was common knowledge that there was something..."
"Yes, something," Leo interrupted again, his eyes wide and wild. "We thought it was a spring break or something. The word 'feelings' and 'relationship' just never factored into the equation."
"Leo, I..." Josh waited to be cut off. He blinked hard and still nothing came from Leo. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Nothing's happened. Not for... not since... the last time either of us said a word about this, it was the campaign. And it was only words! The words 'feelings' and 'relationship' haven't been in any equation we've had for... god, years! So, you know, excuse me for not knowing what the hell is going on."
Leo just looked at Josh, seemingly gauging the words.
"Nothing's happened since?"
"Unless you're going to hold us accountable for the stray comment or look..."
"If only I could," Leo muttered to himself.
"Well then, it's been nothing. We're probably gonna have to..." Josh cleared his throat, straining to get these words out. "Sam and I will have to talk."
"Yes," Leo growled. "You two really do. At length. With a witness and records."
"Leo..." Josh started hesitantly. "Thirty second hypothetical..."
"I already don't like where this is going, but fine," Leo replied tersely, rolling his eyes and sitting down in his chair. Josh took a few steps into the office and leaned down hard on a chair. Leo waved a hand at him impatiently, and Josh took that as his cue to talk.
"I talk to Sam, and he talks to me, and he tells me that what he said at the bar is true. He said it, and he means it, and we're just so fucked because hell, now we have gay rights issues and activists start to approach us. But then, but then he says that now that he's sober, he still wants it."
"Josh," Leo started warningly.
"Leo... I..." Josh sighed, laughing hysterically and feeling control stumble and spin out of his hands. "There are times... I have days where I wonder if I made the worst mistake of my life the day I told Sam that Bartlet is the real thing. When I sacrificed him and turned our relationship into the dirty secret to keep in the closet because we had a candidate worth fighting for."
"President Bartlet is the real thing," Leo swore passionately. His voice rose as he went on, "and you know it! Are you questioning your choice to come on board, Josh? Because we've got ourselves a whole different discussion in that case."
"No, Leo. I know. I get it. But I start to wonder if the price I paid was too high," Josh quietly added. "We ended it the second night I brought him on, you know? Wasn't even a long conversation. Twenty minutes, and by the end, we were good and Sam was already writing a draft of something for Toby."
They sat in silence.
"Where does this thirty second hypothetical end?"
"It..." Josh swallowed the lump in his throat. "It ends with me having second thoughts. It ends with me thinking about asking him to try again, just to see if I did make a huge mistake."
"You're gonna cause us trouble," Leo warned him.
"I know," Josh replied.
"A lot of trouble," Leo went on, glaring at him.
"I know," Josh said, feeling lighter than he did two minutes ago. He cracked a small smile. "When don't I?"
"You talk to C.J. first if you do decide to go down that path. You talk to Sam, you have him talk to C.J., and you're gonna talk to the President if you really intend to do this," Leo warned, his tone serious. "Josh?"
"Yeah?" Josh replied, ready to get the hell out of there. He leaned in the doorway.
"Would it make you less miserable?"
"You want the word happy, right? Happy?"
"Yeah, whatever that word is," Leo waved it off.
Josh paused, considering this.
"It might," he replied.
"Think about it. Try not to tank our administration in the process?"
"I'll try," Josh offered.
He made his way out of the office and feeling much better than he had just seconds before. He'd told Leo and made it out alive. The next thing he had to do was talk to Sam about things, which really was going to be the worst part of this whole mess. He heard Toby and Sam going at it long before he made it into the Communications department.
"Come on, Toby, we can make a difference!"
"The only difference I want is this speech to go from a first to a second draft!"
"Toby!"
"Sam, write a speech," Toby commanded. Josh lingered in the doorway, not knocking just yet. Sam's movements were frenetically charged, eyes blazing, his pen pointed towards Toby like he was trying to make a point.
"Toby, I'm just saying..."
"Then stop saying, start writing," Toby cut him off.
"We can have the President set an example for..."
"We can do that later," Toby interrupted again, a little louder this time with a terse smile that betrayed exactly how much patience he had left -- something bordering zero, Josh supposed. "At the moment, my deputy is going to hole himself in his office after his sunny foray into California, and he is going to write a speech. And so help me, Sam, but if I find any quotes about how the people of America should join the Big Brothers and Sisters, you won't be worrying about how loose your metaphors are anymore because you're going to have to worry about me..."
"Hey, uh... Toby," Josh interrupted, biting down hard on his cheek to prevent a wide smirk from appearing on his face. "Can I have a minute with Sam?"
"Take all the minutes he's got, but make sure he's writing," Toby nodded, sitting down at his desk.
"I've been writing," Sam muttered as he pushed past Josh and headed into his own office. "It's nearly done!" he said to himself, throwing his pen down on the desk and reclining in his chair. He looked up to see Josh. "What's going on?"
"You been to see C.J. today?" Josh asked hesitantly, drumming his fingers on Sam's desk.
Sam narrowed his eyes. "I was just about to... I got a message there was something important that she needed to talk over with me," he said, giving Josh a suspicious look. "What's going on? Can you give me a heads up on this?"
Josh tried very hard not to give anything away. Bad poker face, indeed. He cleared his throat and relaxed into the guest chair. "I really think you and Ceej ought to talk first. I'll stick around though and wait for you. She shouldn't take long."
Sam narrowed his eyes and furrowed his brow.
"Am I going to get yelled at?" he worried.
"No," Josh laughed, almost too quickly and too loudly. "God, Sam, no. Seriously, the last thing she'll do is yell. Well, not at you. Look, just go. The sooner you go, the sooner the mystery is unraveled."
"A good mystery never hurt anyone," Sam quipped -- he was cheerier since his return. Josh almost wanted to prevent C.J. from ruining Sam's renewed enthusiasm. Something obviously went right in California, which was good. It wouldn't have been fair if they'd both had lousy weeks.
"If you keep talking like that, the only mystery around here is going to be what happened to your body when you get to be too annoying," Josh retaliated.
"Are you saying I'm not infectious?" he gathered a few papers and slipped on his glasses.
"The good or the bad kind?"
"Never mind," Sam replied, grinning widely. "You'll be here?"
"Barring a national emergency," Josh confirmed. "Or hunger pangs."
"It's all the same to you," Sam commented, heading for C.J.'s office. He stopped at Cathy's desk and she joined him, the two of them chatting away about something, probably mysteries, if Josh knew Sam. And he did, which was part of the problem.
Josh got to enjoy solitude for a solid two minutes before there was uninvited company. Toby stood in the doorway, unmoving, emotionless, and not about to go anywhere it seemed. And immediately, Josh felt himself grow uncomfortable. He shifted and stood up, needing to be able to match Toby in height if he couldn't challenge Toby's enigmatic stare.
"Sam went to talk to C.J.?" Toby asked finally.
"Yeah," Josh breathed out. "He hasn't read the paper yet, has he?"
Toby shook his head. "It's a writing day. He doesn't read anything but his own work and my corrections until the final draft is sent in. Tell me, are things always destined to fall apart when I'm not present at a bar?"
"He still would have said it," Josh groaned, rubbing his eyes, "if you'd stayed. He would have been just as drunk, and it would have been worse. Because then it goes from confiding in a friend to being a Senior Staff Conspiracy."
"Are you going to screw things up? Make it worse for me? The President?" Toby was glaring, letting Josh know that this was a tentative subject and he had a feeling he might be able to convince the whole world that the situation was under control, but Toby Ziegler would still protest.
Josh paused and let his head roll back as he closed his eyes tightly. "Yeah."
"In typical Josh Lyman fashion, you can't leave a bad situation alone. You need to make it worse," Toby replied tightly, snapping every word out. "Fine. I'll let it be. But so help me, Josh, if you somehow manage to make Sam feel pain, then I will make sure to hurt you."
Josh opened his eyes and frowned, looking at Toby. He felt confusion run through him, and he furrowed his brow.
"This is one of those big brother things that'll disappear in a few minutes, right?"
"Yes."
"Good," Josh said, and let out an uncomfortable bark of laughter. "For a minute there, you were actually scaring me."
"I still want him writing the speech," Toby warned, facing his office. "So you know, talk to him and get gone so he can have a draft on my desk in the next few days. And you can make the situation a hell of a lot better if you somehow manage to keep his speech from becoming a public service announcement, telling me that the 'more I know' the happier I'll be or, whatever."
"Knowledge is power Toby. Didn't you listen to G.I. Joe?" Josh yelled as Toby headed back to his office. He crossed his arms and leaned back against the desk. He should have left with Toby, gone to deal with the ninety things on his own desk, but he waited a few more minutes, pacing around Sam's office and watching the seconds tick by, trying to get his thoughts in order.
He was stuck on the thought of whether Sam would physically hurt him if he read the speech when Sam returned, looking dazed. Josh snapped into action immediately, straightening his posture and clearing his throat. Sam looked at him, wanly.
"The newspaper..."
"Yeah," Josh cleared his throat. "Today's edition."
He sounded confused. "They printed my quote. The lead-in said, 'Are the best interests of the Senior Staff the same as your best interests?' They..." he scoffed. "They make it sound like I'm selling crack to kids."
"Yeah," Josh agreed.
"God, Josh, I... I was drunk," Sam spoke slowly, the words panicked. He leaned on his desk for support. "I swear, I didn't mean to say it, but, you gotta know that I was drunk."
"Sam," Josh replied tiredly, groaning slightly. "You couldn't have held back?"
"I was drunk!" he insisted, his eyes going wide.
"Well, somebody overheard you," Josh snapped back with a sarcastic laugh. He nodded quickly as he raised his voice. "I guess they knew how to write!"
"C'mon, Josh," Sam replied disgustedly. He scoffed and shook his head. "It's got no credibility. It's not even newsworthy! I was drunk and having what I thought was a private conversation with C.J."
Josh threw his hand up in the air, shouting back at Sam, "A reporter heard you!"
Sam glared and stood at his full height, staring Josh down. "Why are you yelling at me?" he snapped loudly, his voice raising.
"Why are you yelling at me!" Josh snapped right back.
"You started it!" Sam yelled accusingly, his chin jutting out as he took on a standing position that Josh knew meant that Sam was up for a battle. His back stiffened and a wave of irrational anger went through him before he realized that this was Sam, and this was their problem, not Josh versus Sam.
"Well, then I'll stop it!" Josh snapped. He sighed and took a deep breath. Sam relaxed as well and leaned against the desk, sitting beside Josh and staring out the glass window. Past that, everyone was busy at work.
Josh looked at him. "Sam," he started quietly. "Sam, why'd you go and say that?"
"Josh," Sam replied quickly and just as quietly. "Get out."
"Sam, I..."
"Out. We'll talk when I've had time to think this over," he added softly. "Yeah, Josh, I'm pissed. I'm a little pissed because my privacy got invaded and the news is continually taking to my life like it's a buffet to be feasted on. I'm pissed because I said it, and I'm a little pissed at how you reacted just now, but I need time to think."
He fidgeted with his glasses.
"Just give me some time," he requested quietly.
"Yeah," Josh swallowed hard. "You... you're really pissed at me?"
"Maybe more disappointed," Sam conceded. "But yeah, there's some irrational anger."
"Please don't be mad," Josh pleaded, standing up and heading to the door. "I mean it. Take your pick of any other emotion there is. Although, I don't exactly like the disappointment, but Sam, you have to know that I..."
"Josh!" Sam raised his voice. "I said get out!"
Josh nodded and walked out of the office, closing the door behind him.
"Yeah," he muttered to himself. "Yeah, that didn't go well," he murmured as he slowly made his way back to his office, intending to close the door, lock it, and throw himself into some obscure policy work that wouldn't matter for a few weeks.
On Friday morning, Josh discovered that there was an even lower level of hell he hadn't known about yet. Not only was his name in the papers, but the entire office was using him as the punchline of their jokes, and Toby had a hanging threat above his head because Josh had pissed Sam off. Sam was upset with Josh, and apparently, when Sam was upset, Toby was upset.
The coup de grace though was when Josh realized that Sam was avoiding him. Toby took over all of Sam's meetings that involved Josh, Cathy took all his calls, and when they absolutely couldn't avoid being in the same room, Sam just flat out avoided acknowledging Josh's existence.
It seemed the entire world was intent on making Josh's life a living hell.
To make matters worse, Donna didn't seem to be thrilled with him, either. He figured that out all on his own when he finally had enough downtime to catch the look on her face. The scary face and the sad face all at once. Not good.
"Donna, what's with the face? I swear, I didn't kill any of your roommate's cats over the last few days," Josh commented as he hung out of his office and received the cold shoulder from Donna, who kept typing away. "Donna!" he whined, stepping out and hovering behind her. "Don-na! Talk to me," he pleaded, bouncing slightly on his feet.
"You upset Sam," she coolly said, holding up a small piece of paper.
"What's this?"
"Memo."
"From who?"
"Me."
Josh read the words, and his eyes bugged out as he read the language.
"Donnatella Moss, did your mother teach you those words, and is it her sense of violence that you inherited, because I gotta say, I'm a little afraid of meeting your family now if this is the kind of thing that gets passed down the family tree," Josh laughed nervously, reading her typed words on the memo.
No response.
"So you're not talking to me?"
Nothing.
"Not until I uh, I do this thing," he flicked the paper. "I guess."
She turned around and glared.
"And I guess you won't talk to me, and I'll be on the receiving end of possible violence."
She gave an affirmative nod, but there was no verbal confirmation. Josh swallowed hard, and shifted slightly on his feet while studying her words on the pink piece of paper one last time.
He cleared his throat. "So, uh, I'm going to go see C.J.," he announced.
"Smart move," she murmured to herself as he hightailed it away from his desk. Dear Lord, but she frightened him some days. He made it to C.J.'s office in no time, and hung around Carol's desk for just a moment before taking steps to the doorway.
Josh lingered in the door to C.J.'s office, watching her make notes and glance up every so often at the television screens. Eventually, she looked up and found him, beckoning him in while scribbling on a notepad.
"Don't just stand there," she urged. "It's creeping me out."
"Donna won't talk to me. Well, she will, but it's just work stuff. If I try to just talk to her, she... she glares," Josh offered, collapsing on her couch.
"Did you break her eardrums calling her?"
"And Sam is avoiding me ever since we had that fight," Josh added, quieter than his previous news. He pressed his elbows against his thighs as he leaned forward, waving the memo in the air. "Donna isn't talking to me because I'm being, I quote, a paranoid idiot who can't find your way out a paper bag, never mind find a solution to this problem and if you don't go see C.J. about this, I'm going to do things to you that will make you wish you were born a woman, unquote."
"Gee," C.J. commented innocently, looking over at Josh. "Think she wants you to come talk to me?"
"You were at the bar with Sam that night," Josh said; just to hear it out loud.
"I was," C.J. agreed.
"He... he really said that stuff? About me? About the way we used to..."
"He said all that and more. The reporter just left in the middle of the drama. Honestly, Josh, it was maudlin. I was waiting for him to break out into a tragic song about how he'd given up all hope. It would win Grammy's, bridge the gap between alternative and rock, and bring tears to my eyes at the same time," C.J. elaborated, capping her pen and getting up, leaning on the front of her desk and idly playing with the fish food.
"C.J.," Josh exhaled, rubbing his hands over his face and groaning softly. "Ceej, I don't know what to do." He looked up and met her gaze, collapsing against the back of the couch. "Tell me what to do. Just say words, say 'Joshua Lyman, rekindling anything is a bad mistake and I will kill you for even thinking about it.' And then tell me again that it's a bad idea. C.J., beat it into my... my head," he sighed, pointing to his temple and slouched forward, resting his elbows on his knees.
He looked up to find C.J. looking down on him pitifully.
"You can start now," he prompted with a half-smile.
"I'm not going to," she replied after a moment, leaning up against her desk and tapping fish flakes in Gail's bowl.
"Ceej, come on," Josh sat up a little straighter, pleading. "Bad idea. Say it with me. Bad!"
"Yes, it will be a PR nightmare," she agreed. "Yes, you will make my job harder. There will be endless editorials, and there will be lobbyists coming at us and accusing us of secreting a gay agenda, saying that we're further left than any previous administration has been just because of gay rights. Hell, we might start seeing you two on the cover of magazines wondering when Queer Eye for the President Guy is slated to air."
"I'm waiting for the 'but'," Josh interjected.
"But I'm not going to let you walk into that man's office and make him even more miserable, because then you start to brood, and Toby's in permanent bear mode, and Leo is Leo, and I'll tell you what, Joshua, that is something I can't deal with. Bring on the sharks in the press room any day over an office that's a perpetual hellhole," she finished, slamming the fish food down on her desk.
"I wouldn't brood," Josh petulantly retorted.
"Whatever it's called when you sulk in your office, yell for Donna at the top of your lungs, and take it out on Congress. I cannot deal with that, and a miserable Sam, and a scowling Toby, and Leo being even more Leo-like than before. And God, when the President hears about this, we'll all be in counseling. Go talk to him. You don't necessarily have to move the Earth, but is it possible for you and Sam to sort this out without making an even bigger mess of this?" C.J. pleaded, taking a deep breath.
"I don't sulk," Josh muttered to himself, getting up slowly and running a hand through his hair.
"Now, Josh, I know when it comes to you, this is asking a lot, but," C.J. said seriously, glaring at him, "please, Joshua, please minimize the mess."
"I don't make messes," Josh complained, feeling as though he'd been cornered and defeated from every angle during the conversation.
"And I'm Miss Sports Illustrated," C.J. retorted with a chuckle.
"Oh, but you're my Miss Sports Illustrated, Claudia Jean!" Josh told her as he rested one hand on the doorknob.
"You just went up ten points in my books, Joshua," she commented evenly.
"So I'm at what," Josh leaned against the doorway the door and swayed slightly, "negative thirty?"
"Plus or minus three points, but within the margin," C.J. replied back swiftly. Josh laughed to himself, giving her a wave as he turned and began to make his way back to his office. He stopped about halfway and checked his watch. Ten o'clock. The calls he needed to make weren't going to happen that night, and Josh was feeling fatigue creep in. He stopped and slapped his folders against his thigh before making his decision.
"Donna!" he yelled out as he headed to his office. "Go home, I'm done!"
"You have to call..." she began to protest.
"He'll still be pissed about what we're doing in the morning, and he'll whine and cry just as hard then," Josh cut in and rummaged through his desk for things he'd need at home. "I'm giving you an early night."
"Gee, Josh," Donna replied sarcastically with a roll of her eyes. "Whatever am I going to do with the hour or so of extra free time?"
"I hear you can shop around for a decent sense of humor," Josh smirked, shrugging on his coat and grabbing his backpack. "Though, I don't know if an hour is long enough to do that. I'll be at Sam's if you need me."
"Really?" she asked curiously. Her face flickered into passive disinterest. "Wait, I'm still mad at you. Go away. Make Sam feel better."
"Take it easy," Josh called out over his shoulder as he left the building.
"Fix things!" she yelled back in response.
Sam let him into the apartment. It took Josh about five minutes knocking at the door, alternating between strange patterns and some choice musical selections, but after about five minutes, Sam opened the door. He walked away before Josh could greet him.
"Sam, you have to talk to me at some point," Josh told him as he closed the door behind him and followed Sam inside. "I mean, if you don't, I think maybe the President is going to start noticing that something's a little off."
"I don't talk to you for a week or so. That way we forget about everything that happened. Things go back to normal." Sam stood in the entry to the living room, drying his hands on a dishtowel. His eyes were tired, his posture slouched He'd been home for a while, it seemed, because he'd already gone and changed out of his work clothes and into a Princeton t-shirt and sweats.
Josh did the worst thing he could possibly do, and allowed himself to just look at Sam. There was something about him that screamed 'open book'. Not in the easy-to-read fashion, but rather in the sense that Sam was a chapter of Josh's life that he just couldn't seem to close for good. Deep down, Josh liked it that way. With the sheer lingering possibility, it made things all the more interesting. It was interesting every other time, except for right then and there, when that possibility was coming back to haunt them when there was so much at stake.
"Sam," Josh exhaled and pressed his back to the wall, closing his eyes and absorbing the impact of his body against the wall. He gave a chuckle mixed with a scoff and ran a hand through his hair as he slowly opened his eyes. "Sam, you know, you really make this harder than it should be."
"Well, Josh," Sam began -- and he sounded like he was going to be pragmatic. Josh hated when Sam took this role. This was his Sam. Sam was his idealist. Yes. His. It'd been a long-ass day, and Josh was allowing himself to indulge in possessiveness -- "you just like to make everything as complicated as it can be."
"It is complicated!" Josh insisted, taking a step closer to Sam, making it to the doorway to stand beside Sam.
"No. It isn't," Sam snapped back, crossing Josh and standing as his own island in his living room. "I was in a bar with C.J., I made a few drunken comments that a reporter heard. C.J. will straighten it out, provided that you go talk to her because if you don't, I hear Donna is planning to emasculate you..."
"I talked to C.J.," Josh cut in, but it didn't seem to slow down Sam any.
"And then we go on like we always have."
"You said," Josh started in a high-pitched, shrill voice. He cleared his throat and started again, "you said, and I am quoting this verbatim buddy, if the option was open to me then I wouldn't hesitate to pursue it."
"I was drunk," Sam quietly replied, casting his gaze downwards. He looked up and met Josh's eyes. "Come on, Josh, you mean to tell me you mean everything you say after you get three beers in you?"
"I can hold more than three...!" Josh began to protest.
"No, you can't," Sam cut him off, raising an eyebrow. "Because if we held each other accountable for everything we say while we're drunk, well I think that our lives would have turned out quite differently, if we can just recall the last spring break we spent together," Sam enunciated, bringing back old memories involving Josh, Sam, and a hell of a lot of tequila.
"That was a long time ago," Josh said after a very long, very painful minute.
"Josh, I said it, okay?" Sam added quietly, holding Josh's gaze steady. His voice sounded cloudy and he had a tired look to him. "I said it, and we both know what happens now. We ignore that this ever happened, C.J. diffuses the press bomb, and we change the world a little more every day."
"Sam, I don't want to," Josh breathed out the words, almost biting them back at the last minute, but it was too late. He'd gone and said it.
"You," Sam started, frowning and furrowing his brow. Josh could see the gears shift and start to move in a new direction to go with Josh. "Wait, you don't want to work for President Bartlet?"
"I don't want to forget it ever happened," Josh said as he took cautious steps towards Sam. "Of course I still want to work for the President. I miss you. I haven't gone and decided I want to quit so I can have a whole mass of people hate me. I haven't gone insane."
"That's questionable," Sam cracked, his mouth quirking up in a half-grin. He paused, the grin on his face softening as the air between them thickened and crackled with a silence so long that Josh was afraid it just might never end. "You miss me?"
Josh felt flattened. It was that thing that Sam could do with his eyes and his smile. It made Josh go back in time, and it made him want to pretend that things had never changed. He swallowed hard and moved just a little closer.
"I talked to C.J. today," Josh said, "and uh, there was something resembling a talk with Leo the other day. And then Toby threatened physical violence upon me, and I actually think he might just hurt me because I hurt you..."
"Toby's defending me?" Sam interrupted, sounding surprised and pleased.
"He said it would pass," Josh offered.
"It always does," Sam waved it away.
"None of them had the answer I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear, 'Josh, you can't do this because it would screw everything up.'" He cleared his throat and looked down at the ground, shaking his head and murmuring. "None of them said that. Hell, I know they were thinking it, but it just didn't pass their lips."
"You wanted to hear that?" Sam caught his gaze when Josh looked up. He sounded soft, nearly disappointed in something. "I can say that, Josh. I mean, it's why we didn't stay together. President Bartlet is..."
"...the real thing," Josh finished with Sam. "I know. But, but there have been second thoughts. Lately, it's been me wondering if I made a huge mistake."
"With me?"
"No, I'm deeply torn because I picked the turkey on rye instead of potato salad at lunch," Josh snapped sarcastically. "Yes, Sam, with you. I wonder if maybe... what if we could have made it work?"
"We couldn't have," Sam said, sounding very sure of himself. He crossed his arms. "Someone would have slipped, there would have been an exposé and a ton of bad PR and it would have been a mess."
"We're in office now though," Josh offered.
"There's still a second term to win," Sam countered. Josh was reminded why he hated debating with Sam. For someone who liked to win so often, he picked fights with people who had an endless reservoir of counter-arguments. Sam, Mandy, and Toby were just the first in a long line of such people.
"I'm having second thoughts, Sam," Josh said, licking his lips and watching Sam's face for the reaction to those words. It was a good reaction. Sam looked slightly taken aback, but there was the hint of a pleased smile forming on the corner of his lips. Josh just watched, kept that moment to himself. "I keep thinking about those spring breaks, and... and then I think about trying again..."
"Josh," Sam cut him off.
"Yeah?"
"Are you actually making this an option?" Sam asked quietly.
Josh drifted to the door and rested his hand heavily on the handle, chewing on his lower lip and nodding wordlessly, leaving before he could allow himself to get lost in Sam's reaction to that.
Josh felt his stomach growl as he made it back into the West Wing. He'd had lunch with Congressman Kane at Leo's request to do some damage control to keep relations civil, at the least. Those were Leo's words. Toby's words were more along the lines of, 'you screwed this up, and now you will fix it or you will regret ever having woken up this morning.' It was fixed though, and now Josh's lists of things he needed to do was significantly shorter. Down to two items, in fact: mending his relationship with Donna, and sorting things out with Sam. So a short list, but a complicated one.
Josh headed straight for Sam's office after the lunch meeting, figuring he might as well lay the foundation for paving the way to a healthier existence between the two of them. He and Sam hadn't spoken over the weekend, but Josh left a few voicemails on Sam's phone, and there were messages from Sam waiting back at Josh's place. He closed the door behind him and watched as Sam took a pen to a legal pad and scribbled away madly.
"I met with Kane," Josh started. "For lunch. Can't eat around that man, but we met for lunch. He said that he was prepared to drop the issue so long as we put his name on the bill, and I think C.J. is going to get him a photo op with the President."
"Seems too easy," Sam murmured, tapping the pen on the desk.
"Yeah, but you know what? I'm going to take whatever I can at this point," Josh conceded. He nodded to the speech. "That done?"
"For now," Sam nodded. He offered a few loose pages. "You can read it."
Josh looked at the section of the speech that Sam handed him. He cleared his throat and shuffled the pages slightly while looking at the words. Sam had given the command. The one that meant he was actually allowed to look at the words. Josh knew that Sam could be freakish, but that whole thing where no one could see his writing without verbal permission was just bordering on creepy-weird.
Now that he had the speech in his hands, he stood up a little straighter and indulged in the secret thrill he only sometimes allowed himself to feel. Joshua Lyman, standing on a podium in front of a sea of faces, speaking the words that Sam had written just for him. He allowed himself just a moment in his rarest of fantasies, President Lyman, indeed.
He scanned the words and picked it up in the middle. "Let us go forth and nurture the minds of today's youth to create new Renaissance men and women who are already looking to the stars and reaching for what lies beyond them." Josh paused, rifling through the pages and shot an amused look at Sam. "You do like your imagery, don't you?"
"I thought that was common knowledge," Sam replied, ducking his head as he gave a smile -- and a blush, Josh could swear he saw it, which was a footnote to be made in the mind. Sam Seaborn was not going to get away with blushing and live it down. "After all, Toby put out that weekly newsletter, you know, the 'Sam's Writing Tips of the Week'."
"Yeah, Mandy's letterhead really made it look really good," Josh said absently. "Those were some good issues. Ed and Larry's comical renditions of you were art at its best."
"C.J. put a stop to it," Sam said, leaning back in his chair. "She works for me," he informed Josh proudly.
"Except that she works for Leo, and she's really just hiding all the copies from you in her office. Bonnie and Ginger were offering subscriptions to it for the low, low price of something I'd never pay when I can just sneak into C.J.'s office and find them," Josh replied. He handed the speech back to Sam, who seemed to be turning over the idea of those newsletters still being available for circulation and was looking a little worried.
"The speech any good?" Sam managed to find his voice.
"Don't know," Josh shrugged. "Do something for me."
And this was it. This was the fantasy that got played over and over again in his head. He entertained it nearly every damn day now. Joshua Lyman for President was inspirational, was a dream to revel in.
Sam Seaborn for President, however, was bound to happen.
"Read it."
Sam cocked an eyebrow and looked down to the page, about to laugh. He even gave a tiny chuckle and opened his mouth, looking like he was about to say something. Josh shook his head quickly.
"Seriously, Sam. Just... just read it like the President would," he rubbed his eyes and cleared his throat. "I mean, no, I don't mean like he would. Read it like you think he should read it. If you could get up there and..."
"And what, make a fool out of myself by tripping over my words and then a table or two?"
"Sam, read the speech."
Sam picked up the papers, put his glasses on and sat up a little straighter in his chair. He cleared his throat and began to read.
"I'm proud to stand before you today and even prouder that I have the chance to look out into this crowd and glimpse into the endless sea of possibility and prospects. The faces I see today have shaped the world and made it all the better to live in. The faces I see today have helped to shape our present, and whose forefathers created the storybook that is our past. That is not why I have come here today, though," Sam began to speak and Josh relaxed in his seat, simply watching. It wasn't golden yet, though Josh knew the final draft would be perfect. Still, it was pretty damn good to him.
"Years ago, a man stood up and challenged what he knew was right. The world accepted something as fact, and he disputed it. The world is flat. No, he said. The corners of the earth do not simply drop away. The sun revolves around the earth. No, he countered. We live in a heliocentric universe. The atom was thought to be the smallest possible object in existence. Once again, the cry came. No, he said, and proceeded to splice the atom and discover a whole new realm of science. Time and time again, the unbreakable tenets of history have been broken. The impossible has been achieved. Today, I am here to talk about tomorrow, and the day after that, and all the rules we plan to break from then on out. I'm here to talk about our future. Great words came from a great man who said, 'It is in fact a part of the function to help us escape, not from our own time -- for we are bound by that -- but from the intellectual and emotional limitations of our time.' T.S. Eliot held great passion for education, and his example is one to be followed. As we gaze into the future, there are many stumbling blocks, but we have the tools to persevere. The strongest of all these tools is the power of the mind. We have in our hands the gift of education and it is up to us to bestow it upon the children of our country. Let us go forth and nurture the minds of today's youth to create new Renaissance men and women, who are already looking to the stars and reaching for what lies beyond them."
Yeah, that imagery did the trick, Josh admired, watching as the words came together so simply, so easily. He watched as Sam commanded each and every syllable, and he swallowed a lump in his throat as he realized he really did miss this. He missed having deeper feelings for Sam, missed the possibility that maybe at the end of a speech like this, Josh would give him a congratulatory kiss -- and possibly, just maybe more. He missed Sam.
"The children of today are the future of tomorrow. They will conquer the highest mountain, and achieve what we could not in a perpetual quest for knowledge. We must do our part and create that thirst for knowledge. We must allow for a better future and to do this, we must provide the education. I stand here today, proud to unveil five hundred million dollars to benefit the public schools of America..." Sam trailed off, grabbing a pencil and making a few notes before he looked up at Josh.
"That it?"
"All that's fit to be said aloud in this section," Sam conceded. "It's only the third draft. I'm due for an hour-long Toby session soon. He plans to rip apart the speech, my self-esteem, and my optimism."
"All in an hour."
"Toby manages his time well," Sam replied. He smiled and relaxed in his chair, taking off his glasses. "It sounds weird."
"Yeah, I know. The thought of Toby using time management skills for good is a thing that..."
"When I read the speech, Josh," Sam interrupted, not bothering to conceal an eye roll. "It's weird to hear the words with my voice. I mean, even when I write them, I do it with the President's voice in my head." He cleared his throat and gave an embarrassed smile. "And occasionally, Toby's voice steps in and starts criticizing a sentence or, you know... all of them."
"Mine is Donna," Josh admitted. "It's scary. I'm working and there's that tiny antagonist in my head, and it sounds like her."
"Does she criticize you?"
"Oh yeah," Josh agreed vehemently. "And it's not just my work. I swear, I'll be out having drinks, and her voice is there, warning me not to drink too much because of my system."
"It is quite delicate."
"Stop talking to her about that!" Josh whined. "Seriously, do you guys have like, meetings about me and compare notes about how much alcohol I can stand?"
"I think C.J.'s got a chart," Sam replied helpfully.
Josh grinned a little, and then hesitated. He hadn't come here just for the banter, fun as it was. He had an idea and he wasn't sure how to go proceed with it. It was all about the timing, really. C.J. was going to offer a statement about the private and personal lives of the Senior Staff remaining just that, and Sam was going to have to lay low for a while. It didn't make things right though. Things wouldn't be right until Josh and Sam could talk and work things out properly.
"Sam," Josh started quietly, "come have a drink with me. I mean, not in a public bar because there's tempting fate and then there's outright stupidity. Come to my place sometime this week, have a drink..."
"And we'll talk," Sam finished the sentence for him. Suddenly, it was all business between them judging from Sam's tone of voice. Josh nodded, and thought back to the speech, to his fantasies, to all his second thoughts. He looked at Sam again and threw practicality and pragmatism out the window.
"We're gonna make things right," Josh said, leaving the office.
Over the next week, things slowly shifted back to the accepted state of normalcy -- normal for the West Wing that was. Which meant that Josh still had his share of strange battles and just plain weird crap happening. By the next Friday, he'd even managed to have a plan to get Donna to talk to him, and of course, give him his messages. One or two were going mysteriously missing per day, though.
After lunch, she walked into his office looking dazed and clutching a box. She stared at him in awe and made a few expressions that Josh translated as either, 'you are the sweetest thing' or 'who are you and what have you done to Josh?'. Then again, Josh assumed it could always be a mix of the two.
"You bought me chocolate," she murmured in wonder as she looked from the box to Josh. A smile was slowly growing on her face as she wandered into his office. "Josh!" she remarked with affection. "You bought me chocolate!" she said again, more incredulous by the second.
"Yeah," Josh replied with a pleased grin.
"Why?"
"It's the nice thing to do," Josh said, as though it were the most obvious answer in the world.
Donna gave him a knowing look and nodded, popping a chocolate in her mouth. She spoke with her mouth full, licking stray caramel from her lower lip where it stuck. "C.J. told you to do it, didn't they?"
"She might've slipped a whisper in my ear, or... you know, the box in my hand and firm orders in my ear," he conceded, a sheepish grin slowly working its way onto his face. He followed that with a genuine one, which he got back tenfold. There really was nothing in the world like making Donna Moss happy. It earned him at least ten instant points on the karma scale.
"Remind me to thank her," Donna replied, drifting back to her desk, popping another chocolate into her mouth. Josh felt good. Toby wasn't keen on injuring him, Leo was back to the less scary version of himself, and everything seemed back to normal.
Except for Sam -- the one thing Josh wasn't sure he wanted to be normal again.
That night, the night after a long day of going around and hearing kudos from everyone for buying Donna chocolates and making things right, Josh was working on a phone call for the economic package, trying to talk down someone on the staff who was worried that the President was prepared to give away things that they couldn't do. He was setting up a face-to-face meeting when someone knocked at his door.
"Yeah, come on in!" he put a hand over the mouthpiece and then turned in his chair. "No, Harvey, for god's sake, we're not giving away the farm! We don't even have a farm we could give away!... Yes, okay, I know that the President's home in Manchester is considered a farm, but he's not going to be givi... you know what! I'm going to set up a meeting, and he can explain to you with all those big words he likes to use that we are perfectly fine and no one is making empty promises."
He hung up and turned around to see Sam in the doorway, his coat on, a bag in his hands, and a playful smile on his face.
"Swear to god, economists are going to be the death of me," Josh complained, tossing his pen down on the desk. He met Sam's gaze and smiled in return. He nodded to the bag. "What's that?"
"Beer."
"You want to get me soused up at the office?" Josh remarked with amusement as Sam sat down, taking his coat off and pressing the back of his palm to his cheek -- reddening by the second, whether from a blush or a change in temperature, Josh wasn't sure and wasn't sure he wanted to know. "You devil, you."
"You really did just say soused," Sam commented with a snort, opening up two beers and handing one to Josh. "Josh, embrace the future. It's nice here. We use modern language and we have magical machines that do our bidding. And you're not having more than two beers."
"I thought I could handle three," Josh said "I checked the chart and everything."
"You can handle three, which is why you're only having two," Sam said matter-of-factly. He struggled slightly as he balanced the beer in one hand and got his coat off at the same time. Josh smirked and felt oddly touched at this simple gesture. He got up and paced around as he took the first few sips and finally sat on the edge of his desk, putting very few inches between him and Sam.
"You'd think there was something important to discuss," Josh cracked.
"Only slightly," Sam replied lightly, the serious set to his face contradicting his voice. "You actually let me think about this a few days."
"Oops?"
"You know that I obsess. You know I get anal, and you still let me have upwards of fifty hours to think about it," Sam continued.
"Have you not been sleeping well?"
"No," Sam admitted. "You?"
"It's touch and go."
"We really do suck at this, don't we?" Sam commented as he took a long sip of his drink and leaned back in the chair -- with Josh leaning forward, like a dance move they'd rehearsed somewhere. "I mean, it should be easy. Just like on the campaign."
"The candidate is more important," Josh voiced the words from before, ghosting past his lips again. He put his bottle down on a pile of papers beside him. "See, but now... I don't know. I think that maybe for once in my life, I should just get to be selfish."
"For once in your life?" Sam scoffed, raising an eyebrow. "You mean there are times when your world isn't Josh-centric?"
"You're not funny," Josh stated flat-out and before Sam could answer, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Sam's, pushing himself off the desk and hovering slightly above Sam, head bowed forward. His stubbled cheek brushed past Sam's smooth one as Josh just let his lips touch Sam's to see if this was still welcome. When Sam didn't pull away, Josh pushed further forward, draping one arm around Sam's neck and casually letting it hang as he tilted his head and worked Sam's mouth open with his tongue.
It was like he was home, all of a sudden.
Sam moaned quietly into Josh's mouth and Josh tugged ever so lightly at Sam's lower lip as he pulled away, breathing evenly and pressing his lips together. Josh knew he wanted to preserve that moment forever, but the next one was substantially more important. He leaned against his desk, took a swig of beer, and watched Sam's face for a reaction.
For a good while, there was nothing but a blank, semi-pleased, dazed stare.
Then, "Josh, if you'd wanted to do that, you should have said something," in a cocky, amused, and light-hearted tone. Sam's eyes were dancing and the grin on his face was growing by the second.
"I thought that was the code of the writer's brethren. Show, don't tell."
"I didn't know I had a brethren," Sam retorted, sounding a little out of it, and a little breathless. He grinned. "So, Josh, tell me. Is that your way of showing me that you've been having some second thoughts lately?"
"Yeah, I guess you could say that," Josh shrugged lightly, unable to wipe the damned, idiotic grin from his face -- Sam's fault, always Sam's fault when it came to the truly idiotic grins. "I mean, we're going to have to tell the President, which... god help us all, and C.J. is going to make statements, and there will be articles, and Mandy is actually, in all honesty, going to kill me..."
"It won't be easy," Sam summed up.
"I think it's worth another try," Josh said, using the neck of the beer to emphasize his point as he pointed to Sam with it. He took a long drink of the beer. "I mean, if you want, I just opened the door for you. So uh, just..." he swung the bottle around slightly. "Just walk on through."
There was a moment of silence between them before Sam was putting down his bottle of beer on the floor and standing up.
"Sounds like a good offer," he admitted, drifting closer and closer to Josh. It was Sam that initiated the second kiss of the second attempt at something more, lingering and putting more into it than the first kiss had held. Josh felt nearly knocked off his feet as his senses were overwhelmed by Sam, and maybe things would end badly, but for the moment, he was happy.
Friday, as it turned out, was a great day.