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The study group sat around their table, all working silently. Annie and Shirley were deeply invested in their textbooks, Troy was trying to do some homework, Abed was writing in his composition notebook. Jeff looked around at them from over his phone, thinking about how it was a little odd that no one was feeling chatty today. Pierce was asleep, and when he turned to look at Britta she had a bored look on her face. She seemed to light up when her eyes met his and he raised an eyebrow at her, “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, totally, I just…” She trailed off and motioned at the notebook in front of her. “I feel like I can’t concentrate at all. I’ve been reading the same sentence over and over.”
Annie looked up from her book with a look of concern, “Well, what are you working on, Britta? Maybe you could switch to a different subject.”
“I dunno, my eyes just hurt, I don’t want to read anymore right now.”
“Well, what do you want to do?” Troy asked excitedly, already putting his homework away. It wasn’t as if he needed an excuse to blow it off, but it definitely made him look better to have one.
Britta shrugged, “We could play a game.”
“Like what?” Abed asked. “There are a few decks of cards in here somewhere. Or did you want to play something involving a little more imagination?”
“I think we should at least talk about our classwork,” Shirley interjected with a smile, “maybe quiz each other instead of shrugging off our responsibilities?”
The group groaned collectively, causing Pierce to stir. Annie patted Shirley on the shoulder and encouraged her to take a break, that it would probably do them some good since they’d been working so hard.
“What’s happening, what did I miss?” Pierce asked, rubbing at his eyes before straightening his glasses. “What are you all planning on doing without me?”
“We weren’t planning on doing anything without you Pierce,” Annie snapped, “Britta was just saying she wants to take a break from studying and play a game.”
“Not that Dungeons and Dragons crap, right?”
“Hey!” Troy and Abed exclaimed. They particularly liked Dungeons and Dragons, and they turned to look at Britta expectantly.
“Uh…” She looked around at her friends and shrugged, “I uh, I don’t know. We could play like, a party game?”
“Shucks, I forgot to bring booze today.” Jeff sneered sarcastically, pulling his phone out again. “I guess no King’s Cup.”
“Ugh, shut up Jeff! I meant like… Marry, Bang, Kill?”
A few of them (namely Abed) raised their eyebrows, some in question and others in judgement. Britta frowned and looked put off, “None of you have ever played that?”
“Obviously we’ve played it, Britta.” Troy smirked at her and looked at the others, “I mean, we were all in high school once, right?”
“I’ve never heard of that game, but it doesn’t sound like something a Christian woman should be participating in.”
“It’s just hypothetical, Shirley.” Annie shrugged and started thinking of some examples, “Like… Who would you pick out of the three: Batman, Superman, Aquaman?”
“I don’t think that one is fair.” Abed said. “Seven different actors have played Batman, eleven have played superman, and-“
“You’re right Abed.” Jeff cut him off and looked at Shirley. “A better one would be, ‘Hey Annie, who would you rather marry, bone, or kill? Justin Bieber, Zac Efron, or Nick Jonas?’”
Annie blushed and rolled her eyes, “Obviously, the only option for marriage is Zac Efron. So I’d have to… bang… Nick Jonas, and kill Justin Bieber.”
“I can get behind that.” Troy nodded.
Pierce was enthralled, “Wait, Wait, do one for me!”
“Eartha Kitt, Katharine Hepburn, or Betty Grable.”
“Oh… Difficult choice there. I’d have to say marry Betty Grable, she’s just the epitome of the perfect woman. Then I’d bang Eartha Kitt, you know, like I did on a plane. I guess I’d have to kill Katherine Hepburn.”
Annie gasped in disgust and shook her head, “Betty Grable over Katharine Hepburn?”
“Yes Annie, when you’re older you’ll understand.”
She scoffed and rolled her eyes, and Shirley seemed like she had relaxed a little at the concept. She smiled at the group and nodded, “Okay, I’ll play. Do one for me!”
Britta cleared her throat and jumped in, regardless of the warning look Jeff was giving her, “Denzel Washington, Taye Diggs, or Idris Elba?”
Shirley’s eyes narrowed, “You think I can only be attracted to black men, Britta?”
Britta’s eyes went wide and she lost all color in her face and she shook her head, doing her best to ignore Jeff’s smirk, “N-no! I’ve just, I’ve heard you talk about them, the actors… before…”
“MMM Lord, give me strength.” She mumbled, thinking about her options, “I’d marry Idris Elba, I’d make love with Taye Diggs, and unfortunately I would have to let Denzel go.”
Annie and Jeff nodded in agreement, that was the only way that specific group should go down. After all, Idris Elba is top notch.
“Okay, wait, this one is for everyone and anyone,” Jeff smirked and leaned forward. “The Chrises. Specifically, Chris Pine, Chris Hemsworth, and Chris Evans.”
The group all oooed (except for Pierce, who still hadn’t seen a single Marvel movie), and Abed was the first to answer, “Marry Hemsworth, bang Evans, kill Pine.”
Troy nodded in agreement and did his best friend high five with Abed, and Britta gave them a raised eyebrow, “You’d murder Chris Pine?”
“Yeah,” Jeff agreed, “what the hell?”
“He’s the least substantial of the actors. I’d miss seeing him in films the least.”
“But he’s such a good person!”
“And he’s SO good looking!” Jeff scowled, and everyone turned to stare at him. “What? I’m secure enough to admit that bro is hot.”
Pierce laughed, “Gay.”
“I think I’d choose differently,” Annie mused, looking thoughtful, “I’d marry Evans, bang Hemsworth, and kill Pine.”
Jeff and Britta’s mouths fell open and Shirley nodded in agreement with Annie, “Chris Hemsworth is a whole lotta man, but Chris Evans is the whole package.”
“In what world is Chris Evans better looking than Chris Pine?”
“Well first of all, Chris Evans is living in the 21st century with the rest of us.” Troy snickered and Abed nodded, “Pine still uses a flip phone.”
“What’s wrong with a flip phone?!” Britta exclaimed. Jeff shrugged, “Nothing, if you’re a drug dealer.”
"Why did you chose to include Pine over Pratt?"Abed asked, looking confused. "Chris Pine never appeared in any Marvel films. On screen, anyway."
"Because, Abed." Jeff growled. "You know how I feel about Chris Pratt."
“Ah, enough with the gay talk.” Pierce grumbled. “Throw out some more chicks!”
“Pierce, what women are you even aware of that any of us might have any recollection of?” Jeff rolled his eyes and crossed his hands over his chest.
“Plenty! Michelle Pfeiffer, Julia Roberts, and Demi Moore.”
“Easy.” Abed chimed in again, “Marry Michelle, bang Demi, kill Julia.”
Everyone in the group nodded in agreement, and Pierce looked offended, “Really? You wouldn’t kill the lesbian?”
They were all quiet, and confused, and Annie asked, “Which one of them is a lesbian and why would we kill her for it?”
“Demi Moore!”
“Wrong.” Abed deadpanned. “She was married to Bruce Willis from 1987 to 2000, then to Ashton Kutcher from 2005 to 2013.”
“Yeah? And what about after that?”
“What about it? She hasn’t been with any women.”
"I have someone you may know, Pierce." Jeff smirked, "Salma Hayek, Shakira, or J.Lo."
"Oof." Troy groaned. "That's... that's messed up. They're all so fine."
"I'd kill J.Lo." Abed nodded. "Not a good actress. Shakira doesn't act much, but her music is influential. I'd keep her around, probably bang. I'd marry Salma. Beautiful and talented."
Troy groaned again, "Why is it so easy for you!?"
"He's not attracted to any of them," Britta rolled her eyes. "He bases it on how it would interfere with his hobbies."
"None of them interfere with my hobbies." Troy mumbled under his breath.
"I uh, I know Salma Hayek, I was acquaintances with her mother-"
"Oh Lord." Shirley mumbled, hugging her purse to her and looking above.
"Not like that!" Pierce scoffed. "Though, I wouldn't have opposed-"
"She's not one of the choices, Pierce." Jeff sighed, rubbing at his eyes.
"Right, right, well, obviously knowing her I wouldn't want to kill her. Marriage would be fine, and then I think I know of Shakira-"
Annie was quick on her phone and promptly showed Pierce a photo of the singer. His eyes widened and he nodded, "Yes. Bone. So I'd kill J.Lo. I don't know who she is anyway."
"Excuse me?" All three women exclaimed at once.
"Jennifer Lopez?" Annie squeaked, horrified and offended.
"No, he'd know her as Jenny from the Block." Shirley said with an eyeroll.
"Oh! Yes, I do! I knew her when she was on the block, we were doing a North American tour for distributors of Hawthorne wipes and I met her in New York when she was performing in New York in 99."
"Pierce! Then you didn't know her when she was on the block!" Annie scowled at him and folded her arms over her chest.
"Yeah." Abed nodded, "Her first big work was in the early 90s when she was on In Living Color."
"Well I don't know any of that!" Pierce grumbled. "I just know we were both in New York in 99."
“Speaking of New York in 99“ Annie interrupted, changing the subject, “How about the women on Friends?”
Jeff and Britta groaned, causing Annie and Shirley to shoot them dirty looks. Abed grinned and looked like he was genuinely thinking about it. “Marry Phoebe, bang Monica, kill Rachel.”
“No way,” Annie scoffed. “Marry Monica, bone Rachel, and kill Phoebe.”
“Phoebe is a classic character; she’d be missed if she wasn’t in the series.”
“Nah, she’s TOO much for me, I couldn’t take it.”
“Also-“ Jeff added, “Annie is right, Monica is the hottest and would definitely be the one to marry.”
“You would say that.” Abed said quietly.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Well what about the men of Friends?” Shirley asked, “I personally find them all unsuited to have any sort of relationship, but-“
“Marry Chandler.” Annie and Jeff said together, giving each other a look before continuing, “bang Joey, kill Ross.”
Abed smiled to himself and nodded, and Troy raised an eyebrow, “Uh… Not to be that person, but I’ve never seen Friends, so I don’t really know if that should have been funny.”
“It wasn’t.” Britta said with an eyeroll. Pierce sounded annoyed, “Alright Jeff, a question for you, who’d you pick? Burt Reynolds, Marlon Brando, or Tom Selleck?”
“Depends, Burt Reynolds in Cannibal Run, or Dukes of Hazzard, the remake?”
“Who cares?”
“Cause that man was fine in Cannibal Run.” Shirley mused, nodding while clearly reminiscing. “So… Suave.”
“Yeah.” Abed and Troy agreed. They had recently watched both Cannonball Run movies at Jeff’s suggestion and were still reveling in the swagger Burt Reynolds had brought. Also, they loved Sammy Davis Jr. and Jackie Chan, so it was all a big plus for them.
“You’re all gay.” Pierce scoffed.
“Well, who would you pick Pierce?”
“I’d marry Burt Reynolds, bang Brando, and kill Tom Selleck.”
“Ugh.” It was Shirley’s turn to match faces with Jeff, and they looked at each other before shaking their heads. He nodded at her and asked, “Tom Selleck?”
“Mhmmm. I’d marry that man today.”
“But I don’t know if I’d bang Burt Reynolds or Brando, cause like… Burt Reynolds has the looks, but Brando has the practice, you know.”
“Jeff! Don’t be gross!” Annie exclaimed and Britta and Pierce furrowed their eyebrows. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Jeff looked at them, dumbfounded, “For real?”
“For real? For real, what?”
“Because he was… openly bisexual?”
“No he wasn’t.” Pierce scoffed. “Brando was a man’s man.”
“Yeah, that’s what I just said.”
Annie and Shirley both made a face and Pierce looked at Abed for confirmation (his face fell as Abed nodded stoically).
“I think I’d marry Tom Selleck too.” Annie mused. “I was so into him and his relationship with Monica on Friends.”
“Of course you were.” Abed mumbled again, and Jeff and Annie both turned to him, “What?”
“Nothing.”
Britta sighed and slouched in her chair, “I don’t know who most of these people are.”
“That’s because you live under a rock, Britta.”
“Shut up, Jeff.”
“Oh, Britta! I have one for you!” Annie smiled and folded her hands in front of her. “Stephen Colbert, Trevor Noah, or Anderson Cooper?”
“Oh my GOD.” Britta made a show of rolling her eyes into the back of her head, “This is so hard.”
“Is it though?” Jeff wondered, giving her a smirk.
“Yes, because do I marry Trevor Noah? Do I bang him? And if so, where does Anderson Cooper fit in, because he is so… so much.”
“So… you’d kill Stephen Colbert?”
“Oh definitely, his weird ear thing freaks me out.” She paused for a moment and nodded, “I’d marry Trevor Noah, and I’d bang Anderson Cooper.”
“Would you though?” Jeff mused. “He’s also gay.”
“This is a hypothetical game, Jeff.”
“Yeah, Jeff, you said you’d bang Burt Reynolds.”
“Actually, had you listened to me, I provided no answer to that question.”
“Whatever.” Britta scowled. “You know what, for that, your options are the cast of Queer Eye?”
“Oh, the current group?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Oh, well obviously I’d marry Karamo, bang Antoni, kill Jonathan.”
Annie and Shirley gasped, both clutching their chests. “Jonathon?!”
“Yeah, he’s just too much for me.”
“I agree with you about Karamo, but Jonathon?” Shirley looked devastated and shook her head. “I don’t know about you, boy.”
“What about us?” Abed asked.
“Oh, well, everyone is welcome to answer-“
“No, I mean, us. Who would we marry, bang, kill in the group?”
Jeff narrowed his eyes and quickly said, “Abed, that’s not a good-“
Troy reached over and gently tapped Abed’s arm, “Just guys, or just girls?”
Abed shrugged, “Guys first.”
“I’d marry Abed, bang Jeff, kill Pierce.”
“Hey! Why me?”
“He said just guys.”
“I’m flattered, by the way.” Jeff said rolling his eyes, “But I really don’t think we should-“
“I’d bang Troy, marry Abed, and kill Pierce.” Britta nodded. “None for Winger.”
“A little late.” Annie scoffed quietly, but Jeff and Britta still turned to give her a look.
“This is a little out of hand-“ Pierce was frowning and looking around.
“Well I’d probably also marry Abed,” Shirley nodded, “and sleep with Jeff, then kill… Pierce.”
“Jeeze louise-“
Annie cut him off, “I’d marry Jeff, bang Troy, kill Pierce.”
Jeff leaned forward slightly and raised an eyebrow at her. She wouldn’t want to marry Abed, probably her closest friend? Interesting.
“Alright, enough, what about the girls!” Pierce exclaimed.
“Not participating in that one.” Jeff shook his head, “I know better.”
“Well screw you, Jeff. I’d marry Annie cause she’s my favorite, bang Shirley, and kill Britta.”
“She’s not a lesbian, Pierce.” Troy sighed, rolling his eyes.
“She doesn’t have to be, she’s still annoying.”
Jeff noticed that Shirley and Annie were both looking extremely uncomfortable and sighed, “I’d…”
Abed sat up a little straighter and looked at Jeff, and he thought that maybe Abed had orchestrated this on purpose. Jeff narrowed his eyes at him and continued.
“I’d bang Britta, marry Annie, … and kill Pierce.”
The entire group (sans Pierce) burst out laughing, and Pierce grabbed his bag and huffed out of the room yelling, “Screw you guys! You’re no fun to play with.”
“You’ve just lived so long already, Pierce, you gotta save some for the rest of us!” Jeff called after him, eliciting a middle finger in response.
Their laughter died down after he left, and Jeff looked at the remaining friends, his eyes lingering on Annie, who smiled at him sweetly. “Well… That was fun. Thanks Britta.”
“Don’t mention it.” She mumbled, still put off by Pierce choosing to kill her.
Abed was looking at Annie, who blushed and raised an eyebrow at him. He nodded to her and looked at Troy for affirmation of an unspoken question, and he also gave a nod of agreement. Annie rolled her eyes and mouthed, “NO.”, but no one seemed to notice as they began gathering their belongings.
“Annie, Troy and I are going to Target before we go home, will you get home okay without us?”
“Uh, yeah, I’ll get a ride, that’s fine.”
“What time do you need to leave?” Britta asked, slinging her bag over her shoulder.
“My last class ends at four, so, after that?”
“Ohhh.” Britta grimaced, “I’m sorry, I can’t, I have a date that I need to get ready for.”
“What time is your date that you can’t give her a ride at four?” Jeff scoffed.
“If it’s such a big deal to you, why can’t you give her a ride?”
“I can. I will. You just stepped in first with your non offer.”
Shirley rolled her eyes at the two and put a hand on Annie’s shoulder, “Annie, I can give you a ride, but you’d have to wait until 4:30 if that’s ok? I have to pick up the boys at 3:15, take them home, get their snacks, then I could come right back for you.”
“Oh, I’d hate to impose like that-“
“So literally no one is hearing that I can give you a ride literally as soon as your class is over?”
Shirley and Britta glared at him, clearly annoyed that he continued to make every situation about him. Annie, however, smiled and nodded. “Thank you, Shirley, I so appreciate it, but I’d hate for you to rush home and make your boys anxious just to give me a ride. I can go with Jeff, he has nothing going on.”
Jeff glared at them for a moment before shrugging, realizing it was true.
“That’s fine Annie, but just know I’m always here if you need me.” Shirley smiled and walked out of the study room, giving Jeff another cold stare on her way out. Britta and the boys quickly followed, both of them giving Annie a smirk. She narrowed her eyes at them and turned to Jeff, “Thank you, m’lord.”
“Don’t mention it, m’lady. I’ll be waiting for you at the drop off area at four, is that cool?”
“Totally.” She giggled before checking herself and throwing on a more serious face. “I’ll see you then.”
She quickly hustled out of the library, throwing a small smile at him over her shoulder.
. . . . .
Jeff was playing Fruit Ninja on his phone when Annie tapped on the passenger’s window, and he quickly smiled and reached over to open the door for her.
“Headed my way?” Annie smiled coyly and slid in, quickly buckling her seatbelt and putting her hair up into a ponytail. Jeff looked at her curiously and handed her an iced coffee (his last class ended at 2:30, so he'd had time to kill), “Why the ponytail now?”
“Because, I like to look professional at school, but it gets hot to have my hair down so long. I like to have it up when I’m home or studying.”
“Hmm. I like it, you should wear it like that more often.”
“Thanks,” She smiled, sipping her drink, “But I won’t be.”
“Fair enough.” He laughed, starting the car and heading toward her apartment. The ride started off silently, with only the radio making any sound. Annie bit her lip and gave him a sideways look, which he noticed and asked, “Something on your mind?”
“Um. I don’t know. I was thinking about Abed.”
“Dangerous.”
She ignored him and continued, “He said ‘of course you were’ or ‘are’ or something several times and I was just trying to think of why.”
“I try not to dig too deep into Abed. He definitely marches to the beat of a different instrument.”
Annie smiled and nodded, trying to recall what he’d said, “He said it to you because you said Monica is the hottest.”
“She is.”
“Have you… Has he ever told you his Friends theory?”
“Definitely not. Maybe he did. I wouldn’t have listened.”
She rolled her eyes and ignored him. “He thinks all friend groups in television emulate Friends. He gave me some examples, but I forgot, anyway it all boils down to personality types.”
“Okay.”
“Well, he also said our friend group follows that same pattern.”
Jeff smirked, knowing where the conversation was headed. “Okay.”
“He thinks Troy is Joey; simple, sweet, good looking. Britta is Ross; opinionated, usually wrong, a martyr that wants pity. Shirley is Rachel; takes no shit, won’t let a man tell her how to run her life but still neglects her career for one, and is business savvy. Abed thinks he is Phoebe; the quirky oddball that doesn’t fit into the group but is still loved and accepted by them.”
“Wait, Abed thinks Pierce is Chandler? Now I know he’s lost it.”
Annie laughed and shook her head, “Pierce is Gunther; desperate to be included in the group, a little creepy, mostly there for comedic effect.”
Jeff nodded slowly, “Which just leaves…”
“Chandler and Monica.” Annie nodded in agreement.
“I’m flattered he thinks I’m as hot as Courteney Cox, but honestly-“
“You’re so dumb, you don’t have to make a joke out of everything.”
He shrugged and grinned at her. “So he thinks we’re Monica and Chandler. It’s not a big deal.”
“But that’s why he said ‘of course’ when you said Monica was your favorite.”
“Well, you are my favorite.”
Annie was silent, stunned, as they turned the corner onto her street and Jeff continued, “Annie, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. You’re so smart, you’re wise, and you’re kind in spite of everything. I care about you. Why wouldn’t you be my favorite?”
She blushed and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear and smiled nervously, “Thanks, Jeff.”
“Don’t mention it.”
“Is that why you picked me for marry in the game?”
He parked a little bit away from her building and turned to look at her, “As opposed to? Look, I love the others, but I can’t really spend a whole lot of time with them. But you? I couldn’t ever get tired of you, Annie.”
She smiled softly and nodded, pleased that he was sharing his feelings with her.
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Why’d you choose to marry me and bang Troy?”
Annie bit her lip and looked down at her hands, “Um… because, if I ever did… bang you… I don’t think I could stop after just once.”
Jeff’s eyes darkened and his jaw went a little slack, and she looked over at him nervously, “I figured, well, if you’re married you probably do it a little more, but you also get the other fun stuff like grocery shopping, picking out furniture, decorating, Netflix and chilling-“
“You already said ‘doing it’.”
She ignored him and sighed, “Anyway, I’m just trying to say… I wouldn’t want to just bang you. I’d… I’d hope for more.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes, Jeff staring at Annie and Annie looking anywhere but at Jeff. She finally sighed and gave him a tight smile, “Thank you for the ride.”
She grabbed her things and moved to get out of the car when Jeff grabbed her hand and gently pulled her back to look at him. She gave him a quizzical stare and he smiled and her, clearing his throat. “Um… Do you want to go out with me?”
Annie didn’t even hesitate, “Yes.”
“Tonight?”
“Yes.”
“Seven?”
“Yes.” She beamed, her heart racing. She didn’t expect her sudden vulnerability to get her here, but now that it had she felt ecstatic and a little bit nervous.
“I’ll pick you up.”
She smiled with excitement, “Where are you taking me?”
“I’ll take you to my favorite place.”
“Great!” She grinned at him and moved to get out of the car, “But I do have a very important question.”
He smiled at her and leaned in slightly, staring into her big, blue eyes with a goofy level of happiness, “I’ll have a very important answer.”
She smiled innocently and batted her eyelashes at him, “Can we have dessert?”